It’s another week for spring weather, presidential insults, and Bachelorette hijinks in cities with shameless tourist boards. Tonight, Hannah and her brothers, now slashed by 50 percent, will visit Providence to enjoy two one-on-one dates and one group gathering, with roses scattered like gold confetti when a kid sings a 70’s ballad on America’s Got Talent.
The good news is, Hannah has not been called “nasty” by anyone in the current administration, although there are probably some Cailynn fans who’ve said much worse. Luke P. is not so lucky. Warned to dial back his pushiness by Hannah and some chicken nugget-brandishing competitors, he will be forced to revise his romantic strategy to be less aggressive, much like Harrison Ford’s performance in the upcoming Indiana Jones and The First Hip Replacement.
Remember, too, kids: It’ll be some basketball players’ quest for love on Monday, June 10th; Episode 5 will air on June 11th from the usual 8 to 10 PM. Since I don’t care for sports, I’ll be tweeting about politics, food, and why not a single paint company has adopted my suggestion of “Brush with greatness” as a slogan.
The sun rises over the mansion as the guys discuss the proceedings, framing the inanity in appropriately vacuous terms. Chris arrives to inform them that Hannah takes care of business with the ruthlessness of a doll-shaming Bernie Bro.
They’re heading to Newport, RI, home to apparently nothing but lighthouses, fishing boats, and docks. The guys marvel at the beauty of New England, which also features seagulls, seafood, and sandy shoreline. Then the first date card arrives: Jed will meet Hannah in Boston, the locale for a lot of American history Hannah is unaware of.
At Quincy Market, the couple encounters lobsters, chowder, and cream pies. Hannah thinks she and Jed are very relaxed and comfortable together as they read from the script. For his part, Jed is thrilled to have a real date with her where he doesn’t have to pick up the tab.
As Hannah and Jed stroll past statues of dead people and background extras who are not much more animated, they pause at a cart to purchase entire pints of Halo Top, branded as a lower-calorie alternative to traditional ice cream. I tried that stuff once–it’s more like a lower-calorie alternative to traditional dishwater. The pair gamely tries to sell it to us, though. Then they sit on the dead grass and make out.
Hannah then brings Jed to the Celtics stadium to meet a couple of the players who probably hate Halop Top, too. They are going to play a game wearing their very own jerseys ($49.99 at the official online store of the NBA). I would rather have dinner at a five-star restaurant and attend the symphony for a date, but that’s just me and and the Duchess of Cambridge.
Hannah discusses her dating situation with one of the team members. He seems wise in the ways of romance, instead of advising her to hold her follow-through and finish with a relaxed wrist. Then she and Jed make out, so some dribbling does figure in.
Back at the hotel, the guys fret and stare each other down until the group date card arrives. What does John Paul Jones’ mom call him when she’s angry? Is there another middle name in there?
Hannah and Jed discuss how much they enjoyed themselves today eating faux ice cream outdoors in winter and running around a court with a couple of very tall guys. Hannah notes that Jed has been completely himself, rather than, say, Kanye West or an enormous sea scorpion.
He reveals to her his passion for music, and how hard it’s been for him at times trying to make it as yet another bearded guitar player with the locution of a Beverly Hillbilly. Carefully, he acknowledges that initially, he thought joining the show was just an opportunity to promote himself in the industry. But now, more than anything, he wants to be with her when he accepts his first CMA.
Hannah is satisfied by this lame attempt to convince her she’s as important to him as replacing Blake Shelton on The Voice, but then she couldn’t recall that taxation without representation is not preferable. She gives him the rose for his honesty and polished PR skills.
Next day, the group date of 13 is at Fort Adams, where they will battle for the freedom of Bachelor Nation. They’re going to play rugby, a full-contact sport that requires no helmet, only a mouth guard so they can kiss Hannah without pain later on. The man explaining the rules of the game seems to revel in the bloody injuries they might sustain, but I would do the same since I’ve seen the show before.
Screaming crowds surround the field as the blue and green teams jog in. The guys tackle each other, breathe heavily, and groan a lot, which is what they anticipate the Fantasy Suite experience will involve. But then Kevin gets a shoulder injury and has to go the hospital. The producers must be heavily invested in their own liability insurance company.
The game play continues. Luke P. swears his allegiance to winning for Hannah at all costs. His intense expression as he watches her hug another guy is reminiscent of the cover of a book about Ted Bundy. Then during a scramble for the ball, he Hulks out on Luke S., who doesn’t buy his apology. S. pledges to tell Hannah how unstable P. is. That should be more fun to watch than rude tweets between our president and the Mayor of London.
That night, while Kevin is still in the hospital calling 1-800-PAIN-LAW, the guys are acrimonious over the Two Lukes Conflict. Luke P. goes off with Hannah first. He tells the story of the rugby rumble as if Luke S. were the aggressor. Hannah doesn’t feel confident about her feelings for him when she hears stuff like that, or that he thinks a cubic zirconia is perfectly fine for an engagement ring.
Like Rashomon, she must hear the Luke S. side of the story to learn if it’s different from Luke P.’s. Of course S.’s version portrays him as the innocent party. He tries to indict P. further, but Hannah had heard that all he talks about is his tequila business, not her and her leggings. She decides to interview the other guys to solve this puzzle. She’s a modern-day Jessica Fletcher, but without the literacy.
Meanwhile, the other guys confront Luke P., who tries to defend himself, again telling a completely different story of the events. Don’t they have footage of this? They identify criminals from convenience-store video, surely they can figure out whose story is right when it’s been shot in HD.
Garrett has something tugging at him that he must tell Hannah during his turn at the water fountain. His accent is such that I can barely understand what he says, but apparently it’s that he has a crush on her. Even better, he avoids discussing Lukegate altogether. He’s the Wilbur Ross of the show.
Luke S. has harsh words for Luke P., many of them found on a fourth-grade vocabulary list. Luke P. is distressed, or pretends to be. Disgusted, Luke S. stalks away to check the status of the Kickstarter funding for his tequila company.
Peter coos over Hannah next. She tells him all his feelings for her are valid, because she has similar feelings. Someone should tell her that’s not how it works. Peter is starting to get on my nerves, though. He’s too jolly, and sucks on her bottom lip like a Dyson that’s caught the hem of a slipcover.
Hannah present sthe rose to Garrett, who played his cards wisely this evening, aside from that mauve jacket.
Next day, as fishermen toss lobster traps into the water behind her, Hannah is frustrated and confused over the Lukes. Not as frustrated and confused as the lobsters, though. She is not alright today, she sobs, as seagulls echo her cries overhead.
She is in this sorrowful state as Tyler C. meets her for their date. She confesses that despite her make-up being perfect, she is bereft. Will this whole crazy thing work? Is her journey for love as doomed as health care coverage for the middle class? Tyler comforts her. He wants to be the guy who lifts her up, and later the guy who unhooks her bra.
They’re going to catch some lobsters, which is also not something the Duchess or I would enjoy for a date, mostly because there’s no wine list. Also, is there virtually nothing to do in Rhode Island that’s not related to shellfish? nevertheless, when they’ve collected enough of the critters for a Duggar family clambake, Tyler has improved Hannah’s spirits.
That night, they head to dinner, doubtless steamed mussels. Hannah claims she’s excited to learn more about Tyler, then proceeds to talk about herself. He finally gets to explain that he’s ready to give himself to someone. His dad almost died right before the show began, but it turned out alright. In fact, during his recovery, his dad watched the show and advised his son to go on it. Sadly, Dad relapsed after watching Colton’s season.
Hannah is thrilled with their date, and gives Tyler the rose before latching onto his lips like an octopus’s tentacle. They head off to yet another concert by some country dude all in black with a single dropping soon. Tyler and Hannah gaze at each other lustily as they sway in each other’s arms.
Coming up: Luke S. says “Karma is a bitch, and you’re gonna get yours.” He probably doesn’t say it to Jared Kushner, though.
Hannah reflects for seconds as she prepares to join the cocktail party. The men arrive to the nautically-themed room and start tossing back booze among the model ships and mounted anchors. Luke S. is still angry, but wants to concentrate on Hannah tonight. She tells the group that this week made her question some people’s characters, and now she seeks more clarity.
Peter gets ahold of her first, and immediately starts pawing at her. He wants to ask her something because being intentional and direct is a good practice. He asks if she will officially be his girlfriend. She agrees, but will start cheating on him in three minutes.
Mike tells Hannah about his mom and sisters, who are his queens. He wants to add her to the line of succession. Worried that she doesn’t see all the drama going on behind the scenes, he picks a fight with Luke P. back in the main area. They’re back to arguing about what happened at the rugby game, which by now is as tired as a meme about loving yourself at any size.
Luke S. feels it’s been a downward spiral since that incident. He needs to make things right with Hannah since he’s unhappy that his character was called into question. Does Hannah understand that, he pleads. She is still trying to work out her emotions, she tells him. She’s so complex.
Luke S. goes back to Luke P. to attack him again. Luke P. plans to double down on attacking him to Hannah. Behind the safety of his rose, Garrett insists P. tell Hannah he was wrong about S. Instead, he tells her Luke S. is not here for the right reasons.
Flummoxed, Hannah must review the evidence yet again. She goes back to Luke S. but refuses to believe him, either. Can them both, I say. Luke S. confronts Luke P. another time. This is like watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon: Constant altercations with no resolution and inarticulate participants.
The show is almost over when Hannah bursts in and asks the Lukes to talk with her together. We will not learn the outcome until next week. I would rather find out who shot J.R. Again.
