We learned last week that, according to bachelor Cam, ABC stands for Always Be Cam. It’s a policy he’s as committed to as the Kushner family is to federally backed loans. Add another letter, and it’s my motto: ABC’s Drek.
Anyhoo, tonight Cam is going to take more heat over what Hannah perceives as a manipulative attempt to be awarded a “pity rose.” I haven’t been this excited to witness a conversation since Frost interviewed Nixon.
What’s more is that the finalists have already been leaked! That’s how boring this season is going to be! But none of them is Bill de Blasio, so that’s good. One is Pete the Pilot, although he won’t win, despite his being cute as a baby alpaca, and claiming to enjoy line dancing. Hannah is too daunted by a man smart enough to fly a commercial airliner and do the Electric Slide.
Then there’s Jed, the singer/songwriter from America’s Dolly Parton Belt. He had his heart broken in his last relationship, which makes for both an effective after-date convo about being vulnerable, and a hit song on the crossover charts. In addition, as we’ve seen, he’s got a bod like a Greek statue that regularly visits the GloPatrol.
Previews show Hannah in the hospital with an IV in her arm. Is this a crossover with Untold Stories of the ER? The group daters are identified first, including Cam. The guys are irate. Hannah’s jeans are so tight, they may have cut off her circulation and caused her to need fluids.
The group arrives to find some C-List actors enacting a birth without the blood and goo. They then teach a female anatomy class to this collection of dullards. One guy thinks gestation is two weeks. Thank God he isn’t a legislator in Alabama. They must also diaper baby dolls, and comfort them when they cry–and they can’t do what they do to comfort Hannah, since it’s illegal to French an infant.
Even worse, clothespins are applied to their nipples so they experience the joy of nursing. The same s***** requires them to get electrodes applied to their abdomens to replicate the pain of labor. It’s mostly just an excuse to see the guys without shirts. Anyway, the best test would be to ask what names they’d like for their baby. We could immediately eliminate any that chose Braedyn, Cayden, Payton, or Quinton.
At the after-party, Hannah explains that she enjoyed watching the men subjected to physical pain for the sole purpose of entertaining Bachelor Nation. She first goes off with Jed, who won’t be able to play the guitar until he recovers sensation in his nipples. He is amazed at how he feels about Hannah. Together, they chuck chicken nuggets off a roof and make a wish. I would ask for honey mustard sauce.
Mike has a difficult thing to tell Hannah. His ex got pregnant, probably because he failed the female anatomy test when he took it the first time. He was ready to get married and be a father, not necessarily in that order, but they lost the baby. Cue exploitative somber music.
As Hannah hugs Mike and thanks him for sharing such a personal story, Cam tries to interrupt. He has worse timing than Kellyanne Conway. Mike and Hannah dismiss him, then proceed to make out. Yet Cam comes in again, as dedicated to his task as a process server for Congress, and even less welcome. Mike is annoyed, but it doesn’t rate a glam portrait in the New York Times.
Finally, Cam gets Hannah alone, explaining that he’s a deep person that she needs to get to know. He had to resign from his job to be here for her, he tells her loftily, as if he were a neurosurgeon abandoning a bunch of people with brain tumors.
The other guys are really miffed at Cam’s persistent intrusions. Then Tyler C. calls Hannah a “badass woman,” and that he wants her for arm candy. Suddenly Cam seems as charming as Cary Grant.
Mike gets the rose because when he wore those clothespins, it had real meaning. The baby challenge was a positive experience for Cam, too, though. When he changed his doll’s diaper, he finally understood the nausea he induces in others.
Here’s footage of Hannah in the ER, looking ragged weak, but better than any patient on Chicago Med. She sends the one-on-date card to Connor, asking him to visit her in her suite because she doesn’t feel well. He figures this is a good exercise for when she’s crampy, and he doesn’t want her yelling at him.
Hannah is in bed when he arrives, still wearing her hospital bracelet. It’s more attractive than most of her jewelry. She explains she had passed out that morning, likely from finally reading all the guys’ bios for the show.
The others conjecture about what this unusual date will be like. Will Connor hold her hair while she vomits? Look up her symptoms on WebMD? Discuss healthcare coverage reform?
No, he uses the time to snuggle in bed with Hannah and describe how his mother had a stroke. This whole episode is a real downer, especially if you count the special Bachelor vs. Bachelorettes Celebrity Family Feud that follows. Even worse, Connor does not get a rose. Nevertheless, he leaves sweet nothings on Post-It notes stuck all over her room before he leaves. The note scrawled in lipstick on the bathroom mirror is in an evidence bag at the police department.
Later, Hannah finds all the Post-Its, which include messages about how pretty she looks without make-up and that her smile is lovely. Percy Bysshe Shellley does not fear for his legacy. Back at the house, Luke P.,, always the romantic, wants to know what she was wearing.
Then a man arrives to take Connor to a night-time date at Hannah’s request. Surely Kaopectate and a rose are involved. They attend a private concert by some guys all in black. The lead singer looks pained as he breathily serenades them about some damn thing. Connor feels like he’s falling in love. Hannah is just glad to be conscious.
Hannah tells us that this week was fraught, with all the sad revelations and because Tyler G. had to leave. What? How did I miss that? At least that’s one less Tyler to recall.
Anyway, group date again. The crowd is met by a mod fashion photographer with piercing blue eyes and a mop of blond hair that even David Soul couldn’t pull off 40 years ago. He plans to match the men up with models for some pix. The models are various creatures, including a tiny pig, a snake, and a miniature horse. The animals have more personality than anyone in the cast. Even the hairless dog is more genuine.
Once again, the dimwit Demi is there to spy on everyone. None of her dates will ever trust her again. She and Hannah want to know who will respond to the make-up artist they hired to hit on the guys as she works on them. I’d worry more if they responded to the photographer hitting on them. To Hannah’s pleasure, neither Grant nor Luke P. take the bait. The make-up artist is relieved, too.
Luke P., however, is distressed that Hannah is kissing other guys. He inserts himself into the situation to get more time with Hannah. She refuses to talk to him alone. “We’re good,” she reports tartly. There are lots of other relationships for her to pursue, so Luke P. needs to dial it back.
At the party, Hannah invites Luke P. to sit with her first. She was disappointed that he flaunted their connection in front of the guys. Aren’t guys wearing their roses flaunting their connections every week? Meanwhile, her making out with everyone is not so much flaunting her connections as demonstrating her insatiable lust. She tells Luke she’s bothered that he feels he has the show sewn up already. She doesn’t like cocky. Luke is crestfallen. He thought he was stalking her very politely.
Despite the scolding, he tries to interrupt Hannah and someone else later on. The other guys are worried about him. He’s pacing the room like a jungle cat watching the lioness bring gazelle meat to another member of the pride.
Hannah macks with some other guys until Luke annoys her yet again, and is summarily dispatched so she can talk with the others. He is so upset that he’s thinking of leaving. Luke S. feels he’s not equipped for this challenge, much like Marianne Williamson. Meanwhile, Peter goes more saccharin than a Care Bears cartoon in describing his feelings for Hannah. He then paws her like Gentle Ben.
Finally, Hannah asks to talk with Luke P., inexplicably taking the rose with her. She implores the goon to work harder at obeying her commands. Then she brings back the rose and gives it to Peter. He rhapsodizes at his good fortune while Luke despairs at the other end of the sofa. He was hoping it would work out like Luke and Laura on General Hospital, and they would go on to save the world from the Cassadine family’s weather machine.
Poolside the next day, Chris arrives to say there will not be a cocktail party tonight–but there will be tailgate party. Maybe the liquor budget was exhausted. Then Cam speaks up. He tells the group he has something very personal to discuss with Hannah, something that has been a “downfall” in his last two relationships. He must have time alone with her to discuss it. I think she already knows he’s a major dweeb.
He tells her he is an onion with many layers. He will cause her to cry alright. he describes how he was rushed to the hospital a few years ago, and told he needed an amputation. Then his grandma died and he had to give up his puppy. This is even more contrived than the weather machine story line. And what was amputated? He appears to have all four original limbs.
The guys have had enough of Cam’s dramatics. I’ve had enough of confusing John Paul Jones looking for a young Val Kilmer. Hannah is pleased that no one else is telling any tales of woe to harsh her mellow. But then Mike tells her about Cam’s plan to garner a pity rose. She is acrimonious. She will give Cam a piece of her tiny mind.
The man is taken aback at Mike’s characterization of his motives. “Pity rose?” he cries indignantly. He would never reduce the loss of his puppy to such a triviality. Nevertheless, Hannah is having a hard time trusting him. I mean, did he even have a grandma?
The implications for the Rose Ceremony loom over the remaining hours, but not so ominously that we don’t get to see Dustin in his boxer briefs.
Finally, it’s time for the men to troop in for the ceremony. They wonder what the outcome will be for Cam, who remains a blithering fool suffused with impotent rage. Clad in burgundy sequins and a necklace from Target, Hannah vows to go with her heart. Jed gets the first rose, then Tyler C. and Dustin. Then come Dylan, Luke P., Who?, and John Paul Jones. Next is Matteo, followed by Devin and Luke S. The final rose awaits its fate. Kevin gets it.
Cam is sent packing. He is sad that Hannah did not know his true nature and others questioned his integrity. Little does he know, we were questioning it as soon as we knew he was on the show.
