Tonight we’ll see the MOST DRAMATIC FINALE EVER, with an even more unexpected ending than in that Twilight Zone episode with the pig-faced hospital staff, or the Duke and Duchess of Sussex naming their baby Archie. In fact, Season 6 Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky assures us that “it does not end the way it normally does.” Maybe Hillary Clinton becomes president this time.
Tonight Hannah must choose whom she will send home from Greece: Peter, Jed, or Tyler. Peter is the only one who doesn’t need the miles. The episode begins with the continuation of the Rose Ceremony Luke P. crashed last week, so we’ll be off and running with the final two. That is, only after many minutes of ads for Olay Regenerist, Humira, and SNHU.
Interspersed in live footage, Hannah will join Chris in the studio, with the usual overmedicated audience. There she’ll be reunited with the pathetic third-placer–come on, we all know it’s Peter–for the first time since she sent him packing, likely with Athenian olive oil soap and one of those traditional talismans to guard against the evil eye, which hopefully will protect him from being cast on Bachelor in Paradise.
Tomorrow night, barring any long-range missiles from North Korea striking California, we’ll learn Hannah’s final choice of life partner and US Weekly cover mate. Or, it is strongly suggested, probably by ABC’s PR office, she may not pick either guy! Maybe she’ll go to law school, or join Space Force, or open a cupcake shop back in Alabama called Talladega Bites.
First things first: Is Hannah going without underwear under her cobalt blue gown? That could be the shocking part Chris mentioned.
We open in the studio with Chris promising that what happens over the next two nights will be like nothing we’ve ever seen before in this time slot on ABC when the barometer reads 29.97 in Pittsburgh. Then we move to the Rose Ceremony, where two blooms await Hannah’s carefully considered distribution. She does not regret banishing Luke, she reports, but which of the remaining three must go next? “This has been the biggest battle of my heart,” she observes, although settling on those tacky earrings must have been quite a chore.
She tells the trio how blessed she feels to have had them all in her life, as well as in the Fantasy Suite. The men gaze at her longingly, hands clasped protectively before their groins, as she lifts the first rose. It goes to Jed. Tyler and Peter grimace.
Tyler loves Hannah Brown, he tells the camera. Peter feels they have an unbelievable, pure love. Apparently Hannah thinks it’s more like Flint’s water, as Tyler gets the rose.
Peter says his goodbyes as Hannah tears up. No discount flights for her. She tries to explain how difficult it is to bid him farewell. It’s like he lost on Wheel of Fortune—nobody’s fault, really, he just guessed the wrong letters. They embrace as tinkly piano music communicates their mutual grief. He might feel better when he notices how flat-chested she looks in that dress.
Peter rides off in the limo with tears dribbling down his face like the sweat from a chef on Chopped who neglected to wear a bandanna. “It hurts like a bitch right now,” he tells us, quoting a lesser-known Wordsworth ode. But he has a ton of love to give, and lots of tiny bottles of liquor, too. He leaves behind a sobbing Hannah whose mascara remains intact. Tyler and Jed are probably thumb-wrestling while they wait for her to return, leaving Peter to become a Wiki footnote on fandom.com.
Back at the studio, Peter has just watched this scene for the first time, although he read it through with an intern before they shot. “Are you okay?” Chris probes, like an HR associate asking where he sees himself in five years. He can tell Peter was very much in love with Hannah, possibly based on Instagram posts with a lot of vari-colored hearts.
The Weber family is weeping in the audience as well. His mom tells us she wishes she could take her son’s pain onto herself, much as the audience must while forced to watch this treacly display.
Peter admits it took a while for him to share his feelings with Hannah, but he knew he was in love with her early on. That was even before his third drink the first night. He tried to open up to her, but knowing there were other guys vying for her heart, he struggled with being frank about his feelings. He probably just should’ve sexted her.
“A little piece of my heart will always love her,” Peter concludes. Now Hannah will join them on the stage, a moment he anticipates as a way to find closure, and maybe check out her legs one last time. If he plays his cards right, he might also be the next Bachelor or at least get an audition for DWTS.
Hannah appears in a one-sleeved draped blue dress accessorized with more rhinestones than in a production of Kinky Boots. Peter describes how he enjoyed falling in love with her, but wants to know what made her decide to send him home. She wishes she could give him a clear, concrete answer aside from “the other guys were hotter.”
Peter is satisfied with her non-answer, but then she tells him she wished he had expressed his feelings sooner. She felt he may have been scared to love her, and that scared her. These nimrods should develop a form to submit online. Next he wants to know why she called their relationship a “slow burn,” like those 48-hour yahrzeit candles. It was passionate, she giggles, then adds that while things between them kept progressing as the writers intended, she needed to hear how he felt, which the producers didn’t agree to. In other words, the same crap everyone says on this show.
Chris wants to know why saying goodbye to Peter was so hard for Hannah. Because the audience would be angry if she just told him to buzz off? Peter notes that he was proud to be himself throughout this journey, unlike Luke, who was Satan’s nephew.
Now Hannah admits they did it four times in the windmill Fantasy Suite. Mom and Dad Weber laugh and clap enthusiastically, while my grandma cries out from her grave in horror that she fled pogroms for this tasteless drivel. Meanwhile, Rush Limbaugh thinks Hannah had to take four pills to avoid getting pregnant that night.
It’s time for Hannah’s family to meet the final two guys in Crete. She has been falling in love with both Tyler and Jed, who each have admirable qualities along with their washboard abs. Hannah joins the kinfolk, who include her Maw and Paw, and hugs are distributed.
Tyler comes first. Hannah describes how their relationship was really physical, and her concern that maybe that was all there was to it. Mom narrows her eyes, while Dad gets out his shiv. It’s okay, though, because Hannah finally realized that she likes Tyler above the waist, too. For his part, he’s ready to meet the potential in-laws and prove his commitment to their daughter, even if she ends up taking an anti-depressant that suppresses her sexual response.
Pleased to see how happy the couple are, Mom talks with Tyler first. Have they argued or had disagreements, she wants to know. That’s a test of a relationship, and of the responsiveness of 911. Will he be honest with Hannah if they quarrel off the air? The result is that she is happy with Tyler as a future SIL. Nevertheless, she could use some Olay Regenerist on her decolletage.
Dad is immediately concerned about whether this cad is a sex maniac. He is grateful that the two didn’t have sex in the Fantasy Suite, and buys the claim that they played Yahtzee all night. Dad then tells Hannah about this mortifyingly embarrassing discussion about her lover’s sex drive that I wouldn’t even have with my gynecologist. This is one weird family.
Hannah and Tyler are in a good place after this family convo that felt just short of a group Pap smear. She admits she’s falling in love with him. If they get married, the parents are going to be stopping by to drop off sex toys for them.
Now it’s time for the Browns to meet Jed. As a country singer, he’ll fit right in with Kenny Rogers and Tammy Wynette 2.0. Jed sweeps Hannah off her feet as he greets her outside. He wants the family to know how genuine his feelings are for her. But when he tells them he’s a musician, Dad frowns. He’s heard that tune before, and it wasn’t on the CMA Awards.
Dad wants to discuss with Jed, a singer who’s never even opened for Scotty McCreery, how he will provide for Hannah. My grandpa had that same chat with my father, but it was in 1949 and my father went to college on the GI Bill. Jed assures Dad he wants to be able to support a family, although not one with a lot of kids who want to go to summer camp. Therefore, he is proud to have signed a deal to write a jingle for a dog food company. I remember this scene from Lil Abner.
Mom counsels Hannah to consider what’s important in a marriage, specifically, a marriage to Tyler. She cries as she tells her daughter that she wants her to be loved as she deserves, and to be able to get her highlights done every four weeks with a good colorist. Hannah announces tartly that this isn’t about anybody but her, and what she feels in her heart. Realistically, though, it should also be about Jed, and what he’s got in his wallet.
Hannah and Dad discuss his talk with Jed. Dad says Jed doesn’t give direct answers, such as about his life goals and accomplishments to date, beyond being the only Jed this season. Hannah is frustrated. She wants her first husband to be successful, but she also wants to provide for her family with a career of her own. Dad demurs. He asserts that the man of the house must be the principal breadwinner. Or in Jed’s case, the principal cornbread winner.
Hannah and Jed confer. She expresses her fears that her family doesn’t approve of him, and that Tyler is the Catriona Gray to Jed’s Tamaryn Green. Jed wants to hear why because he loves her and needs to know, and also because there’s no fence to jump. She tells him her parents were very enamored of Tyler ,and his construction job, and his prowess in the bedroom. Like Bernie Sanders in most polls, Jed is firmly in second place this week.
“I believe in us,” Jed tells Hannah with feeling. “And most of all, I believe in you.” Whitney already did that song. She is torn, uncertain, and probably needs to reapply her SPF 50 if they continue sitting out in the sun. This is a terrible dilemma for Hannah. Letting your parents pick your spouse didn’t even work in Fiddler on the Roof, and that had a great original cast album.
Morning comes in Greece. Hannah is anxious about the disappointing Jed encounter, so she needs to gain clarity over the next days. First she meets Tyler for a last date. After they embrace, she eyeballs his abs like he’s a dairy cow at the 4H Club.
They’re going on another horseback ride. All animals were disgusted in the making of this production. The two then review how great the family meeting went. Hannah’s dad liked how motivated and driven Tyler is, something I haven’t seen evidence of all season with this Contractor Dude. Even better, Hannah thinks he is so sweet, kind, and funny, and could probably also do it four times in a windmill, even during a hurricane.
That night, Hannah reviews how great their date was. She feels Tyler is confident in their relationship, and now so is she. Furthermore, Tyler loved their talk, and how everyone responded to him. He is so happy, and so is she. They can go wherever life takes them, and be kickass in their marriage. Inanity, they name is The Bachelorette.
The studio audience is thrilled. Chris cautions them, howoever, that after what happens next, they’ll be unexpectedly bowled over, although not as much as I was when I saw how well the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser works.
Time for Hannah’s date with Jed. She’s worried about her family having been less than happy with him. It’s as if she first brought over a corgi in a cable-knit sweater to meet them, and the next day, it was just a Raggedy Andy doll. They meet waterside and board a schooner or something. The seas were angry that day, my friend, and Hannah gets ill. At least Jed knows how she would be with morning sickness.
Jed acknowledges that he might not be the chosen one. He says her dad didn’t understand his life as a struggling musician who can’t sell more on iTunes until the show is broadcast. They muse on this silently, but then she feels so ill, she must move away from Jed’s side and take refuge on the roof of the boat. I feel the same way about this entire season.
When night falls, Hannah goes to Jed’s suite to talk. She is confused and conflicted and needs clarity. Next week she works on her “D” words. Jed assures her how much he loves her and needs her. She refers back to his questionable abilities to earn a living, not to mention that a former beauty queen and reality TV lead can’t exactly build a Roth IRA very quickly.
Jed is passionate in his pleas of love for this simpleton. Hannah is just a wet blanket. When they part, she still doesn’t have clarity. There are so many feelings in both relationships, yet she must break someone’s heart tomorrow. Who wil it be? Jed? Tyler? Chris? The guy who has to hoist her up off the road when she falls?
In the studio, Chris asks if this will prove to be the most shocking ending in Bachelorette history. Only if some aliens from Area 51 show up and dance the lambada, which is difficult if you have those tiny arms. See you tomorry!