In news ABC wouldn’t like if the media didn’t, we learn that Lincoln, he of the charming accent who cherished a framed photo of himself and Becca all out of proportion to its aesthetic or monetary value, was convicted in May of indecent assault and battery. Just the man you want to marry, if you’re Hedda Nussbaum.
We already knew about Garrett’s ugly propensity to like Instagram memes attacking trans kids, liberal women, immigrants, and other subjects objectionable to those with no ability to be vulnerable. Was the Season 14 casting staff off its meds? Did the legal department spend the time playing Jjgsaw World instead of properly vetting candidates? I know a lot of American voters did that in 2016. Maybe the producers should make the applications a little more comprehensive than “name, occupation, favorite M&M color.”
So what will happen tonight? Don’t worry, no illuminating discussions of the Christian existentialist view of the human condition or clips from a Marx Brothers movie, but it’s possible the president will tweet spoliers. Last episode’s preview featured the same dramatic, tearful moment that must follow, as the night the day, in every episode of The Bachelorette. The gal angrily confronts her suitors after learning that someone among them hasn’t been honest with her, and she doesn’t mean the stylist. Naturally, Becca is thus convinced that she has been making out with an entire nest of vipers, or at least famewhores with lots of big teeth.
But first we must endure the Rose Ceremony postponed from last week, after Clay and his broken wrist decided to return to his job with the NFL, where kneeling is prohibited and the rings are not designed by Neil Lane. Becca’s convo with Jordan, reports the Daily Mail, will end in a surprise, but it’s not that he’s going home or even to the waxer. He’ll be sticking around to annoy us for a few more episodes. Maybe the surprise is that he actually did graduate from community college.
Sans the newly rejected guys, who at least get an extra day’s pay, everyone travels to Park City, Utah. There, Chris will drop a “bombshell,” which I hope is an offer to house some immigrant children in the mansion. Wait, unless they mean Chris, one of the bachelors this season. While they’re improving their casting methods, they should should avoid guys named Chris, especially Soule.
Here we go. Night falls over the mansion as the cocktail party begins. Blake asks how many kids Becca wants. He wants three to five. She wants to name a girl Stevie, while he likes Charlie. They both like boys’ names for girls, much like my one true love and I both like Thoreau and marzipan. Blecca are a perfect fit.
David, he of the broken face, is discussed. Jordan feels God punishes anyone who goes against him, unaware that He gave a previous David a really effective slingshot to thwart his opponent. When David arrives, he looks okay considering his face hit a tile floor in free fall in a vacuum that accelerated at approximately 9.8 m/s2, independent of its mass. The bruise under his eye adds character to his lack thereof. Jordan is seething, but certain that David will be banished for not getting reconstructive surgery the same week he was injured. Behold Jordan, a man as shallow and cold as a jelly roll pan.
Meanwhile, Becca gives David a rose to reward his bravery in the face of his face. He must leave the festivities, but he is triumphant. Everyone else starts plotting to smash their own noses tonight.
The ceremony commences. Colton, Chris, and David’s lapels are already pinned. Becca thanks themall for being patient, and David for being a patient. Jason gets the first remaining rose, followed by Wills and Nick, who is wearing a track suit and resembles a poor man’s David Soul, hopefully without the wife-beating. Christon is next, then Sexual Assaulter, Blake, and Instagram Fascist. Leo and John come after them, followed by Connor, Jordan, and Jean Blanc. Finally, Chris Harrison trudges out to offer his condolences. You could fit all his dialogue for any episode on a Post-It note.
Becca reads from the tourism board’s pamphlet of Park City, and the guys cheer for the upcoming all-you-can-eat buffet of theatrics and disapprobation.
Becca is happy to be in Utah. She feels like a Romney. Her husband is in that group of guys, she asserts. Her first one-on-one is with Garrett, who is more like General Rommel. Garrett reminds her of home, and thinks her dad would like him, but only if he weren’t on social media. Meanwhile, we find out that worse than being a violent felon, Lincoln is a flat-earther. Oh, Bachelorette casting crew, don’t you ever change.
The guys love their rustic cabin, where they discuss their relationships with Becca while sitting on Native American-themed fabrics. Garrett and Becca head up a mountain to go bob-sledding. Becca thinks he is so tall and good-looking and expert at making eye contact, as well as at clicking nefarious “like” buttons. Garrett is pleased that they’ll be sitting very close and holding each other, since that will showcase the best of her personality. Two Olympian medal-winners will teach them how to bobsled, which bodes well because after competing together for years, they’re now married to each other. On the other hand, they weren’t dating a dozen other women at the time.
Garrett and Becca learn from speeding through the snow in a small tube while unable to converse or even make eye contact that they are happy and comfortable with each other. It’s Utah, so they can also marry the two bobsledding champs who took this life-changing ride with them.
Night falls as Becca and Garrett go to their evening date. “He makes me feel I can be me, and we can laugh. I trust him completely,” she rhapsodizes. Just put a block on certain websites and it’ll be fine. Garrett agrees that she’s the Blondie to his Dagwood. Past relationships arise, however. He confesses he got divorced after only two months of marriage, which is even less time than Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine stayed together. Becca is displeased that he’s used goods. “I think I just picked the wrong person,” Garrett muses, much as I picked the wrong size of Birkenstocks and had to return them to Amazon.
Group date-card time. It includes a lot of people, with Wills left behind to get the second one-on-one. Meanwhile, Becca and Garrett analyze his failed marriage, applying a sledgehammer to the broken rubble of the brief period of marital discord. She wouldn’t be so understanding if it had been Colton and Tia getting hitched in June and hiring lawyers in August. But Garrett insists he’s ready for commitment now. She senses he is, which is odd because he blames his former wife for everything that went wrong. He gets the rose. Somewhere, the ex-wife is watching and laughing.
Satisfied with their version of Can This Marriage Be Saved?, the couple go outside and dance to some country singer as a crowd of Utahans watches and cheers. I would have expected at least a Jimmy Osmond impersonator.
The group date is the largest yet. They head to the hills for a lumberjack competition. Two actual lumberjacks, also married to each other, will demonstrate how not to chop off your leg. Thankfully, the guys will not commit deforestation of the environment resulting in a loss of habitat for millions of species. Instead, they will horrify the woodland creatures by splitting logs in a cliched show of machismo. As Jean Blanc says, “It’s not the size of the axe, it’s how you swing it.” Sadly, he does a very poor job with his own axe.
Then there’s some mindless log-flipping and probably a lot of splinters, followed by two teams competing in events involving more logs. How many trees had to die for Neutrogena to advertise its new light therapy acne spot treatment? Finally, after scaling a log pole with the ease of a gay porn star, John wins the lumberjack contest. He couldn’t have done it without the flannel shirt and suspenders.
At the party, Becca wants to carry the fun energy of flying bits of wood and wool socks into the evening. Jason, who looks like Tony Danza with too much pomade on, he tells her romantically “You’re freakin’ stunning.” He’s a good kisser, she reports. He’s been in love once before, but this is the real thing, but so are her boobs hanging out of her neckline.
Jordan joins Becca next. He’s open about his shiny gold underwear, so he strips off his pants for her. I think the #metoo movement would have something to say about this. Colton confronts him about being disrespectful to Becca, but Jordan is tired of the attacks, partly because those tiny briefs were forcing him to dress left against his will.
The men regard the single rose on the cocktail table with concern. Jean Blanc is determined to win it. He even created a fragrance for Becca, which is far superior to flashing one’s lamé Fruit of the Looms. Becca does not react with the ardor he had hoped, though, and then Leo approaches. Jean Blanc is clearly annoyed that his strategy is being undermined by interlopers. He thinks this is Wheel of Fortune.
Jean Blanc returns to Becca to try to do damage control. He now declares his love for her, which throws Becca off. “We’re not on the same page at this point,” she explains in wildly original terminology. He quickly tries to backpedal. So he doesn’t feel that way? What’s his deal, Becca asks. J’accuse! Adieu, Jean Blanc.
This ushers in the moment of drama from the preview. Becca lectures the men that if they don’t show respect and honesty to her, they can skedaddle, although what Jean Blanc did sounds more like a poorly planned chess move. There will be no rose for anyone tonight because she is so distraught. Becca would be useless during a zombie attack.
Next morning, she is emotionally exhausted. Like in The Nanny, he said I love you, then took it back—and even Maxwell Sheffield can’t get away with that. She doesn’t want the men to waste her time or theirs or the director’s. The guys discuss the issue, and conclude she is correct. Wills keeps this in mind as he gets ready for their one-on-on. Wills he or wonts he?
Becca is nervous for their time together. As she waits in the cold Utahan landscape, she feels off, and remains distressed over Jeanblancgate. Becca would be useless during a nosebleed. But she and Wills manage to go snowmobiling together, then sit in the snow by a firepit. Aren’t their behinds freezing? They discuss how last night brought back all those terrible feelings of Arie’s betrayal of Becca. If she ever reads The End of the Affair, she’ll need to be admitted for observation.
But Wills says the right things and follows the stage directions well. Becca is relieved, her agony soothed by his kind words. Her journey of love is on track again. Time to visit the dining car. Wills continues to reassure Becca, then smoothly moves into flattering her by claiming he admires her self-assurance and confidence. He, too, had a bad experience with love. He and his ex were moving toward marriage, but she blindsided him with the suggestion of an open relationship. A gentleman, Wills demurred, but then he caught her cheating. That’s also a good Graham Greene novel.
Becca asks him about his fears. He worries about not being enough to another person, and about not receiving the same courtesy in return. Becca feels he’s more reserved than the other guys, which translates to mean he’s actually coherent. But tonight he was open and vulnerable, meeting the gold standard for bachelors. He gets the rose, a kissing session, and an A on his multiple-choice exam.
The guys at home worry that Becca might not know that each one is here for the right reasons. Chris Harrison interrupts this scintillating dialogue to tell them Becca does not want a cocktail party tonight. It’s right to the roses for her. Chris the bachelor says this news sends a shock wave through the group, who are apparently unaware of what it felt like when Pearl Harbor was attacked.
Leo gets the first rose, followed by Colton and Blake. Next are Jason, Connor, and Lincoln. John is summoned after them, along with Chris, David, and his face. Jordan is anxious. The final rose awaits. He gets it, but Becca does not look thrilled. So long to Nick and Christon.
Next week they head to Las Vegas, where what happens in Vegas stays on ABC due to copyright enforcement. See you on the strip!
