We had last week off from the The Bachelorette, during which the president suggested forming a cyber security team with Russia, temperatures were in the 90’s, and my dog got the runs, all of which should combine to make this episode slightly less abominable an assault on the senses.
Tonight, Rachel and Peter will talk about his feelings. “His honesty scares me,” reports Rachel, who until now repeatedly demanded brutal openness from every guy on the show, plus the wardrobe assistants and her dry cleaner.
Of the six men remaining–Peter, Bryan, Adam (why?), Dean (what?), Eric (who?), and Matt (evs) –Rachel must choose four to proceed to hometown visits. Let’s examine the inventory arrayed before us:
- Adam: Real estate agent from Dallas
- Bryan: Chiropractor from Miami
- Dean: Start-up recruiter from Venice, CA
- Eric: Personal trainer from Los Angeles
- Matt: Construction sales rep from Meriden, CT
- Peter: Business owner from Madison, WI
Nothing looks fresh. And exactly what kind of business does Peter own? Certainly not a Lumineers supplier.
Anyway, the group will be in Geneva, Switzerland, apparently because Rachel looks good in sweaters. She’ll dispense the four roses during the course of three one-on-ones and one group date. Alas, there will not be a Rose Ceremony, which means this week Chris gets paid five figures to utter only four sentences. My own life is turned upside down by these revelations, but then again, I was shocked when Blac Chyna left Rob Kardashian.
Sled dogs, snowy peaks, and rank bitterness prevail tonight in Switzerland, nation of willowy blond white people. Rachel declares the country gorgeous, breathtaking, and picturesque, just like it says on the tourism site. She will continue to follow both her heart and her gut as she considers her options. Paying for Spokeo helps, too.
The guys are enthusiastic to be there, and to see Rachel in another snow-covered landscape. She joins them at the hotel to discuss how things will go this week. The guys seem concerned that there will be no Rose Ceremony, since it might mean less free liquor is available.
Date number 1 is with Bryan. The other guys scowl, while we ignore them to watch Bryan pulling a shirt over his taut, naked body. He can realign my spine any day.
The couple–I shall call them Brachel–get into a fancy little silver sports car that Chris probably owns three of. First they visit a watch store for some passionate product placement. She “buys” him a hunk of bejeweled metal, likely with a price tag four times my rent. Bryan seizes Rachel in his arms, declaring this moment symbolic of what they have together. Apparently, that’s a Sugar Mama situation.
Drinking wine in a field, as you do, Rachel praises Bryan for being upfront with his emotions. He wants her to do the same, possibly by buying him some other overpriced baubles to show how she truly feels. Pleased with each other, they make out. Bryan expects to talk some more about family and other important topics, but not right at the moment. His mouth is too busy.
Night falls on Geneva, and the guys receive a date card. Dean gets the next one-on-one. Adam is confused and distraught. Dean is concerned about introducing Rachel to his family. Ah, conflict. Maybe they’re Irish Travellers or Jets fans.
Rachel can’t stop enthusing about Bryan, but that makes her wonder why he’s still single. As do we all, Rachel. She wants to know how he became the bearded, Spanish-speaking chiropractor he is today. He grew up in a loving family, he reveals, but his mom stuck him in an all-boy school when he asked for an earring. A common dysfunction among families of future bearded, Spanish-speaking chiropractors.
Next we’re onto past relationships. Why are they always going over that on this show? Did Nancy Reagan pester Ronald about Jane Wyman? Because he got dumped once, Bryan fears a breakup when he’s so close to someone. Please, as if any one of us finds that an enjoyable experience.
Rachel is delighted with his emotional honesty and tight abs, and now is sure she wants to meet his family. Hence, a rose for Bryan. They make out as a string duet plays in a balcony above them. The Swiss Philharmonic Orchestra must have fallen on hard times.
Time now for Dean’s one-on-one. Rachel’s wearing heels to walk on the cobblestone streets, which is how you end up relying on Easy Spirit sneakers before you’re 40. They’re going to a Catholic mass celebrated in French, which seems decidedly less exciting a date than Bryan got. I hope they don’t make out in the church.
Rachel’s faith is important to her. Maybe she should have tried ChristianMingle first. But she wants to challenge their relationship and deepen it, which apparently can be done while other people are invoking Jesus in a foreign language.
Despite being surrounded by the neutrality of Switzerland, Dean is feeling internal conflict. His family is not “traditional,” he warns us yet again. Are they circus freaks? Ayn Rand fans? Have they never seen Groundhog Day? Ultimately, this is going to be a big letdown, you know it.
Another date card arrives at the hotel. Peter gets the third one-on-one. The others are convinced these three lucky fellows get the hometown visits.You can’t be sure, though, in part because this show is so transparent. As Eric says sagely, “You gotta put on your best shoes and your best hat,” and go in with confidence. Many a mime has proven that.
Meanwhile, Rachel is not feeling Dean by the time their evening date begins. She tells him that “something was off” during the day, although she may mean his cologne. Dean giggles and says things were “weird.” Maybe his non-traditional family doesn’t understand how to describe things usefully. Rachel is adamant to learn his true feelings. He has trouble with rejection, he reveals, which explains his auditioning for a show where virtually everyone gets rejected.
Onto his family, finally. They are not going to be the family Rachel wants to see, he asserts. I doubt she really expected to meet Charles and Camilla. Dean explains that his dad did not fill in emotionally for his mom after she died, which affected their relationship. He fears Rachel will not accept that his family is not a warm, tight-knit, Ozzie-and-Harriet type of arrangement. He doesn’t even sing as well as Ricky. But Rachel assures him that she wants to meet the cold, Spock-like beings that raised him after his earthly mother’s departure from the realm. So he gets the rose. They make out as a fountain of water blasts upward from a lake like a bad metaphor.
Peter’s date is next. He sparked Rachel’s interest from the beginning, and things have gotten better and better. Can they take their relationship to the next level, similar to in Super Mario Cart? The couple is going to the Alps, naturally by helicopter, to see romantic views that are less realistic-looking than a Bob Ross painting. Then they’re going dog-sledding, which is not so romantic for the dogs. Unfortunately, all I can think of are those soccer players who crashed in the Andes and ate their dead.
Will Peter not get a rose? Unfathomable! They picnic in the middle of a snow-swept plain as Peter explains his concerns about staying throughout the whole sordid process of the show. Rachel understands, although it’s hard to hear. Nevertheless, there’s still so much to talk about, like their favorite apps and Chipotle orders.
Peter is very pleased with where they are. Now they’re spending the evening together, toasting to their future. Rachel appreciates his honesty. Alright already with the honesty. What’s his family like, she wants to know. Do they have spaces between their front teeth, too? His mom will welcome her, he assures her, and his dad gives him advice. Has he ever brought home a black woman, Rachel asks. No, but he’s watched Black-ish.
Peter’s most recent relationship ended slowly, he explains, not with a bang but a whimper. He blames himself for abandoning the woman, to whom he could not give all his love. He hopes to give his heart to Rachel–but he’s not certain he will be able to propose. This isn’t looking good. It’s like when the castaways think they’re finally going to escape the island, then leave Gilligan alone.
Meanwhile, the group date card arrives. Eric, Matt, and Adam are going, of course. No mention of the doll.
Back to Peter and Rachel. She offers him the rose. He does not accept it immediately, making all of us smug for predicting his departure, but then he does, and with glad cries. “He’s really worth the risk,” Rachel proclaims confidently, which means the upcoming crying scene will be about him.
The group daters are prepped and ready to roll, like a creative marketing strategy for a new snack food. Rachel feels connected to all three men, so saying goodbye to two will be hard. They’re going to France to be dumped. Rachel claims that Adam takes full advantage of every moment, Eric was amazing in Copenhagen, and she has a soft spot for down-to-earth Matt. So goodbye to Matt first.
Rachel walks off to be alone with Eric first. “I miss you, man,” he tells her tenderly. Wait til he sees her without those eyelashes. He further counsels her that life is hard, and she deserves the best. He thinks she’s the perfect girl for him, and he is no longer afraid. She can defend him from malpractice suits when his clients snap a tendon.
Next, Matt discusses Rachel’s evolution throughout the course of the show. He wants to be a part of her happiness. He wasn’t always confident that could happen, but he can still envision it. It’s an effective PowerPoint presentation. Rachel sobs that he reminds her the most of herself; in another situation not being televised, they might have something. But now she must say goodbye. I wonder if at least Matt gets to stay in France for a couple of days on ABC’s dime.
Rachel now has no idea who else to jettison. If that creepy doll stays in the picture, the decision should be easy. This might be the crying part, although the way this show throws up red herrings, Rachel could be crying over a wine stain on her favorite sweater.
Adam and Eric sit down for dinner, or pretend dinner, with Rachel. The final rose awaits as she toasts the two men. Adam feels confident, but he worries she might not make the right decision. He asks her if she could potentially fall in love with him. First she needs to see his brokerage account.
He admits a part of him is skeptical, but when he’s away from her, he thinks about her all the time. That’s like me and the bag of Milanos I forced myself not to buy. Even in a group, he feels like it’s just the two of them. He’s optimistic that way, while she’s a realist, partly because she saw the ratings. This nebbish is like the poor man’s Adam Arkin.
Back at the hotel, Peter, Bryan, and Dean discuss the group daters’ chances, like they were all Norwich terriers at Westminster. It’s very bloodless, but then again, what else are they going to talk about, international relations?
Rachel and Eric talk next. He tells her about how hard it was for him growing up. Drugs, crime, poverty–a regular 70’s TV movie starring Billy Dee Williams. As a result, he rejects help from others. Rachel appreciates how open he’s been, but she’s concerned that at age 29, he has never brought a girl home. Is that a euphemism for his being a virgin, or is he just the artless clod he appears to be?
What will Rachel do? She is tormented by this impossible decision. Sitting with the two men, she describes how hard it’s been for her, almost as difficult as choosing a complementary eye color for the day’s outfit. But the only thing she can do is go with her gut, as is generally recommended in these situations. The rose goes to Eric. Seriously, that doll really is creepy.
She walks Adam out. He’s confused, despairing, aggrieved, mostly that Bachelor in Paradise hasn’t offered him a spot. Rachel tearfully returns to Eric’s side.
“I’m just humbled in my core by this entire experience,” she tells us meaningfully. I’m just humbled in my core by having to recap this shlock.
Lots of crying next week. Also, Rachel forgot to wear a liner under her gown.