Kaitlyn admitted this week that dating almost as many men as there are GOP presidential candidates is tough.
“It’s tough because you do separate each relationship and you want to think about the others but you also don’t want to do that while you’re with one person,” she babbles, instead of just saying she’s afraid she’ll yell Nick’s name when she’s having sex with Shawn.
After tonight’s episode, when we’ll see the result of Shawn expressing his fears about her relationship with Nick, Kaitlyn comes to realize something very important about him. “It does show me how much he cares,” she says, confirming our impression that her singular concern is that all the guys remain slavishly devoted to her, even as she treats their emotions like they’re the contents of aisles 6 through 8 at Toys R Us.
Will more guys come around to understanding that Kaitlyn is just what Ian said she is? Or will they continue to be blinded by the free accommodations, liquor, and make-out sessions? Will Shawn be next to throw in the towel, or will he wear it after showering in her suite the morning after? Let’s find out together as another dawn breaks in Dublin, and fresh bowls of McCann’s Irish Oatmeal are served. As ABC’s promo says, brace for a dramatic emotional roller coaster.
“You’re freaking me out,” Kaitlin whines to Shawn as they sit in her room. They’re murmuring so quietly that the mic guy has to adjust his position.
“Are you in love with me? Yes or no?” he challenges.”I’m falling in love with you,” she counters. She’s three-fifths of the way there, but is staying in a motel for a few days before continuing.
He explains how terrible it feels to watch her go out with other guys, give them roses, and scrape their soft palates with her tongue. He’s having a hard time with it. A very hard time. It’s hard for her, too. The only part that’s fairly easy is depositing the large paycheck every week. “You have to decide if you can do it,” she tells him earnestly. Then they make out, since that requires little to no effort and virtually no decision-making skills.
In the talking-head, Kaitlyn talks about feeling guilty about being intimate with Nick, but not because it was wrong! Only because of how it affects her relationships with the other guys, who would be jealous or emasculated or something if they knew. Sobbing, she puts her head in her hands and reveals her crooked part, a metaphor for her journey on the show. “Everybody put so much into this, and I don’t mean to ruin anything,” she continues, wretched at the idea that she might have endangered her chance to be interviewed by the Catholic News Agency.
Next day, Kaitlyn continues to bemoan the error of shtupping Nick. Her heart would break if Shawn left the show. We aren’t privy to Nick’s views about the incident, possibly because it wouldn’t be acceptable for network television. Meanwhile, he delights in telling Ben H. how Shawn is threatened by him.
Kaitlyn resolutely decides to focus on her upcoming date with JJ and Joe. I never saw a two-on-one date before, except in porn. She meets them at a train station. JJ plans to tell Kaitlyn about the biggest regret of his entire life, which must be not having yet gotten a nose job. Joe worries whether he’s done enough to attract Kaitlyn.
They’re off on a boat ride to an island while fiddle music plays. As they sit picnicking, JJ tells Kaitlyn he’s falling for her, which Joe acknowledges as an awkward moment. Country people are so oversensitive. Now the two of them go off in private. Joe tells her that the last group date was a turning point for him. He could feel the passion when he kissed her, and has never felt this way about anyone before, even that cow that one time.
“You’re worth putting everything out there for,” he says somberly, although so far he has said exactly nothing personal. Kaitlyn is thrilled. “He kind of blew me away” with how he opened up, she reports. Then again, all she needs to hear from a guy is how great she is, so Joe did the foundation work.
Next it’s JJ’s turn. He confesses that three years ago, he cheated on his wife. It destroyed his life. Now he wants to be upfront and honest. Kaitlyn thinks he learned a lot from the experience, and would never repeat it. She hasn’t been around much, has she.
Now Kaitlyn must choose to give a rose to one of these two men who opened up and were honest. Does she even know their middle names or the last movie they saw? She picks up the rose. She’s genuinely looking for a husband and that takes time, she explains to the two men. But she hasn’t had enough time with Joe, and since JJ has a daughter, it’s not fair for her to keep him here if she sees no future with him. Goodbye, JJ. Kaitlyn sobs, regretful to lose another devotee, and tells Joe that she will now spend more time with him to make sure he’s properly dedicated to praising her. JJ feels blindsided by a semi, probably similar to his wife’s experience when she found out he cheated on her.
Meanwhile, Joe is more nervous than before. How will he tell her his hometown is even pokier than Chris Soules’? Also, he has suspiciously perfect teeth for a farmer. “Joe lifted my spirits and made me laugh,” Kaitlyn explains. They make out after exhausting the conversation about how attractive she is to him.
Shawn talks about confronting Kaitlyn. He’s still kvetching about how hard this whole process is. And since he claims Kaitlyn told him off-camera that he was the one, that makes it even harder. He’s worried he might be losing her. Cut to her and Joe macking on each other like a pair of fish swallowing the same plankton.
Joe returns to the suite and announces to the guys that he’s falling in love with Kaitlyn. Shawn angrily stalks away. “It’s brutal,” he says, claiming he can’t eat or sleep. He’s mentally exhausted, although to be fair, he was probably not too strong in that department coming in.
Kaitlyn is also exhausted after the emotional day. Her interview is interrupted by a report of Shawn coming over. Kaitlyn is upset and anxious, and wears the biggest watch I’ve ever seen. There’s a knock on the door. “I’m freaking out,” she cries out. This show is so romantic.
Shawn sits with her on the couch after the makeup girl refreshes her mascara and the director sets up the shot. “I just wanted to come up here and explain why I came up here to talk to you,” he says, recalling conversations at the Algonquin Roundtable. “How can you look me in the eye and say ‘I think you’re the one…'” he continues, when she starts the waterworks. Realizing he’s referring to their seminal off-camera episode in Texas, she understands that he’s not there because Nick let the cat out of the bag. It’s a relief to be able to keep lying about it.
Shawn doesn’t believe the other guys feel as strongly about her as he does. But there’s nothing to be done. She insists the show must go on. Love conquers all but reality TV contracts. She implores him to stick with it because “this is going to be for the rest of our lives.” Well, there’s always divorce, as many former cast members have proven. As he leaves, her voiceover notes that there are other guys on her mind. It does make you wonder how polygamists claim the arrangement can work.
Time for the cocktail party at some castle. Wearing what looks like something a Dancing with the Stars professional rejected as too tacky, Kaitlyn admits she shouldn’t have told Shawn he’s the one. What was originally just a friendly pop-in to say “hi” inexplicably transformed into an admission of wanting a lifelong commitment to a man who has obviously fallen for her.
She gives the guys the usual spiel about how she’s had a tough week, and she’s emotional and confused over a mistake she made. “We’re all feeling very unsettled,” Chris says after they witness this discomforting presentation. She walks off with Ben Z. as Nick smarmily comments about having spent “quality time” with her, edging ever closer to the dreaded revelation.
They all discuss what could have happened to make Kaitlyn so distressed, besides the fact that she appears to have had PMS for the entire season. Shawn knows, though, that she’s referring to him when she says she made a mistake. Just what her admission means, he’s not sure. Is he not going to get a rose? Are their contracts voidable? Meanwhile, Ben Z. locks lips with her. His questing fingers make her realize she gave Shawn “way too much reassurance,” or at least this is how the script people are trying to correct the evident capsizing of the show.
Next Kaitlyn sits with Ben H. He needs to talk to her, he announces seriously. He liked their date last week, but the cocktail party went so badly. Then, when he and Shawn were alone with her off-camera–a term used by people so accustomed to being taped that they can’t adequately describe a setting wherein their actions are not being directed by a third party–and Ben returned to the room after showering, something was different. He doesn’t know what. He feels Shawn got “some kind of validation” in that time, which may be a new term the young people are using for “blow job.”
“I don’t want to know details. I just want to know if we’re going to continue, and it’s not just me spinning my wheels,” he tells her. She starts to cry, either because the Midol hasn’t kicked in or because she’s the most manipulative person since Machiavelli. All she wanted to do was say hi to a couple of the guys, but she ended up declaring her undying love for Shawn, and now everyone’s acting like it affects their relationships or something. So annoying.
She and Ben make out contentedly. Despite this issue having been smoothed over with some tears and tongue, there’s conveniently still no mention of her horizontal hoochie with Nick.
Meanwhile, Nick claims he came into the night without a worry, but when Kaitlyn arrived at the party so rattled, even he was thrown. Was it something to do with his failure to find her G-spot? He asks her about it. She tells him she’s worried he’ll blab to the guys about their night together. She wants to tell them herself. How about just posting the sex tape to YouTube and sending them the link?
She tells Nick she’s concerned about his big, stupid mouth and utter lack of discretion. He defensively insists he’s said nothing about it. Then he gets all fidgety and twitchy, saying he’s terrified because he wants to be with her for the rest of their lives, not just til next season. She’s drawn to this emotional side of him, whereas for anybody else, it’s like watching a ping pong game between two Parkinson’s patients.
Next she decides to reassure Shawn. “I feel I am to blame,” she says, for his being so torn up. She apologizes for that night–not the night she shtupped Nick, the other night she screwed up. Shawn looks sad. “I don’t want to dismiss other relationships,” she tells him, especially sexual ones. “We need to take a step back and decide if this is something we can get back.” Poor Shawn is in despair. Bet he wishes he voted for Britt now.
Now Chris Harrison arrives to earn my outstanding mortgage balance by murmuring phrases like “you had a rough week” and “how are you feeling?’ before the Rose Ceremony. There are two people going home, and Kaitlyn can’t believe it–only six guys left to make out with next week. The first rose goes to Ben H. The next goes to Chris, surprisingly. Maybe she needs dental work. Shawn is a mess. The final rose goes to him, though. He looks sweaty, rumpled, and drained. Maybe she should rethink this guy, since he seems kind of high-maintenance.
It’s goodbye to Tanner and Ben Z., which is good because I can barely tell those two apart. Ben Z. was sure they really had something good. With everyone opening up all over the place, you’d think he’d be more clued in to what was actually going on. Tanner wants that forever love–in fact, he needs it. He’ll continue to look for it. Maybe a Jan or Fran or Roseanne will fall for Tanner.
Now everyone is going to Killarny on a bus, but Jared gets to drive with Kaitlyn in a mini-Cooper, possibly because he is the shortest. He declares the countryside beautiful, but it would be less so without her beside him. It probably would be more so without a camera crew trailing them. They arrive at Blarney Castle, home of the famous Stone, which they kiss for luck. Then they kiss each other for ratings. Off to the hotel, where they recline on the bed with some champagne and kiss for the hell of it.
The other guys arrive in town. “Wow, it’s clearly old,” says Chris knowledgeably. Meanwhile, Jared must leave her, but Kaitlyn feels she can see him as her husband, especially since he let her drive. With hometown dates coming up, things are getting serious. Up to now, it’s all been lighthearted fun.
Next, Chris Harrison knocks on the door. Is she going to make out with him, too? He asks whether she’s ready to visit four families. She mentions the San Antonio Mistake and how it changed everything. Then she admits what happened with Nick. “It’s a sign of your character” that she knows she’s a strumpet and a hussy, Chris points out soothingly.
He explains that under revised arrangements to boost ratings, now she will have had “off-camera time” with everyone before she meets their families. So stock up on Irish condoms. Chris’s advice following this experience: If you know a guy is not the one, send him home. He is so wise.
He then joins the guys. “Everything is about to change,” he announces. Everyone who gets a date gets to stay overnight with Kaitlyn here in Ireland! The guys are awestruck. He leaves a date card, which is for Chris. He respects her decision to up the stakes. And possibly something else.
Kaitlyn is now looking at each relationship more seriously, since before now she was unsure what the goal of the show was. A helicopter arrives to take her and Chris on a tour of the countryside. You can really get to know someone with headphones on. “This may be the biggest day of my life,” Chris says, not having seen the preview footage of him sobbing wretchedly.
“What do you think our lives would look like if we were to be together?” Kaitlyn asks, in the first example of a normal potential-husband question ever presented on this show. He lives in Nashville and thinks they would be very close. He likes going on adventures down people’s cavities.
They discuss how emotional the week was, and Kaitlyn starts crying again. He gazes intensely at her. She likes being with him. He hits all the points on her checklist of husband material. But her heart is elsewhere right now. “If this is our last chance, just tell me,” he begs her. He’s given the kibosh, but she can’t explain why he isn’t in the running any longer. He’s no Nick, that’s for sure.
They rise to their feet, and he kisses her tenderly before she walks away. He thinks she’s wrong about him, and doesn’t know what she wants, but he’d rather know it now then further down the line. “She’s a mess, and I get it,” he says. Standing at the edge of the cliff, he breaks down, falling to his knees and crying like a medical professional who has lost a number of patients by appearing on a mindless reality show. A crew member hovers nervously nearby.
Kaitlyn has left in the helicopter. Apparently, people always find it easy to say no to Chris. That’s the curse of being a dentist.