After much liquor and a box or two of Little Debbies, I have recovered sufficiently from last week’s episode to properly dread this week’s. Indeed, there is much to fear tonight, when Kaitlyn and the gang inflict their spray-tans on New York City and continue the theme of vaguely vicious group dates. Kaitlyn brings some of the men to meet Doug E. Fresh, who’s about as cutting-edge as CorelDraw, and stage a rap battle, which many therapists recommend to find out if you click with a potential mate.
Even worse, this episode marks the return of Nick Viall, the second-place finisher and first-place cretin from last season. He appears on the scene to ask Kaitlyn if they can continue the relationship they initiated on social media. It was just a lucky coincidence that he was in town when the producers had a contract with his signature on it lying around. The part where he and Kaitlyn enrage the other guys by having sex had to be added as a rider.
Meanwhile, the “did Clint and JJ become gay virtually overnight, just like Mike Huckabee warns can happen if we don’t enact preemptive legislation?” ruse of last week has some people wagging disapproving fingers at ABC. They point out that making a joke out of LGBT people’s love lives is inexcusable. On the other hand, making a joke out of straight people’s love lives is just good television.
Now it’s time to get out the bourbon and Nutty Bars to hunker down for this evening’s leg of Kaitlyn’s journey to find love and an InTouch Weekly piece about her possible honeymoon destinations. We open with Kaitlyn’s impending confrontation with Clint, prompted by her fury at his unacceptably non-flirtatious behavior last week. She drags him away from his pals, saying, “Let’s sit by the fire because it’s cold.” Like revenge.
When she expresses her disappointment, he insists everyone else is complaining about him because they’re jealous of his relationship with JJ. She says no, it’s about him. Clint is two-faced, and acts differently with the men than he does with her. Isn’t that preferable? I know I ‘d rather my boyfriend reserve his discussions of jock itch and other women’s breasts for his male friends.
Kaitlyn is distressed that Clint’s withholding has caused them to “go backwards” in the random-fifteen-minute-increments-of-time that represent their relationship. But he feels their first one-on-one date was a huge success, and that he’s been honest with her since then, in between her dates with other people. As indicated by the pouty near-smile that communicates all her emotions, she’s upset because she really likes him–but she’s done with him because she doesn’t trust him anymore. She does still trust all the other guys, but they signed non-disclosure agreements.
In the interview, Kaitlyn says Clint’s a smooth talker, something she can’t accept in a potential husband. She should reconsider if she plans to visit a car dealership anytime soon. The two of them come inside, and Kaitlyn announces that she’s asked Clint to say goodbye to everyone. She’s so upset that she’s shaking, but more likely it’s just her excitement over how many hits the trailer for this week’s show got.
Now JJ bellies up to Clint and demands he apologize for creating drama that ruined everything for the other guys tonight. Stunned at this betrayal, Clint storms out of the house. JJ rushes after him, but Clint turns on him, barking that he should get the *bleep* out of his face. Much more is bleeped until Clint orders JJ in steely tones to walk away. It’s as fraught with emotion as any viral commercial for life insurance. JJ hangs his pear-shaped head in despair. He should probably switch to spritzers.
Kaitlyn is satisfied with her decision to end Clint’s journey. Apparently, she prefers a disloyal noodnik like JJ over a Michael York clone with a recognizable job title. But now JJ is crying about the ugly encounter with his former friend, so wretchedly that he must leave the interview. We hear the mocking jollity of the others coming from inside the house as he sobs pitifully, alone in the shadows. I hope you’re satisfied, Time magazine.
When he returns to the house, all the guys jump on him for being a traitor, throwing his friend under the bus, and having a weirdly shaped nose. Okay, only I mentioned the nose. When Kaitlyn arrives, she is clearly uncertain about how to proceed. She must have lost a page of the script. She asks to speak to Chris Harrison before the Rose Ceremony because she has made some boneheaded decision that “feels right” to her. The other guys want JJ to go home, too. Hell hath no fury like a bunch of bachelors scorned.
After consulting with Chris as part of his contract to appear for a full three minutes each episode, Kaitlyn tells the men that there will be no Rose Ceremony tonight. No one else will go home. It has nothing to do with the fact that the producers haven’t given up a week of scheduled programming just because they’re already short a guy.
Chris Harrison then tells them they’re leaving the mansion “forever,” unless there’s another Nick situation written in next year. Everyone cheers, especially the landlord. A chastened JJ sullenly insists that he is truly here for Kaitlyn. Then it’s off to New York, the city that never sleeps with a bachelor from another season.
The guys arrive at their hotel, acting like schoolgirls visiting Times Square for the first time since Bloomberg turned it into a strip mall. The date card arrives. Jonathan, Justin, Ben Z., Corey, Ryan, Tanner, JJ, and Shawn are going. Meanwhile, Kaitlyn rides the Circle Line, expressing hope for a week free of drama. There was probably already some drama when the production crew found out what the Circle Line charges for tickets.
On their date, Kaitlyn tells the guys she loves rapping, then informs them that the “world’s greatest entertainer” is there to help them. Since when does Neil Diamond rap? Ryan and Jonathan call Doug E. Fresh an “icon.” Ryan and Jonathan need to check out Spotify. JJ explains that he has never heard rap, and prefers Broadway show tunes. Maybe he actually is gay. As the guys choose whom they will oppose in the rap battle, Kaitlyn explains that their performances will require boasting and hurling insults to prevail over their rivals. It’s like when Sean Hannity has guests on his show.
A crowd is present for the First Bachelor Hip Hop Battle; their enthusiasm is probably for the free refreshments. Ben Z. goes up first against Tanner. They both stink, but then I prefer Broadway show tunes, too. JJ calls the audience members “ho’s” in his rap, both losing points with Kaitlyn and underscoring my unfamiliarity with the craft, as I initially wondered why anyone would be upset at a reference to a hose. Kaitlyn is impressed with Shawn’s abs over any other aspect of his performance.
Finally, the big moment arrives. As Kaitlyn goes to greet her friend Ashley, another bachelorette rejected by Chris Soules earlier this year, she sees Nick nearby. They have never met in person before, she explains, and her mind is “a little blown right now.” They casually suggest that Nick might join the other guys on the show, but are uncertain who gets to decide that, besides the payroll office. He has sweaty palms over the idea of being paid to hang around and drink a lot with other guys who have no reliable source of income.
Kaitlyn is thrilled at the idea of adding Nick to her stable. But she also feels conflicted about how the other guys will react, and how it might affect what she has built with the ones whose last names she can recall. The situation is very difficult and emotional for her. Let’s hope she never has to put a loved one into a home.
That night, on a cruise, Kaitlyn explains to the guys how she accidentally encountered Nick just as the crew was lighting him, and that she wants to “give him a chance.” They react by looking like a basket of Basset hound puppies with veneers. Tanner asks the “full context” of her and Nick’s relationship before the show. Kaitlyn claims they only chatted a handful of times, which on Twitter means about a paragraph’s worth of words. Nick also must be categorized by Bachelor franchise season for anyone to be able to assign him an identity they can comprehend.
Shawn is very concerned. The fact that Nick might be included now makes him question his and Kaitlyn’s relationship, perhaps because the dozen other guys dating her as well owe him money. Ben Z. remembers Nick from Andi’s season, and understandably has no respect for him. You’d think the fact that Kaitlyn doesn’t agree would be the larger issue.
Next Kaitlyn goes to meet Nick on deck in moonlight. He’s Nick at Nite. They embrace, discussing the ethical conundrum of his coming in at this late date. It’s all so thorny and rife with problems. They make out to establish their position on the issue. “It’s authentic and genuine, and it feels right,” Nick says of the decision to join the cast of the same reality show where he was directed to behave like a jackass once before.
Kaitlyn wants to think about it. She leaves him for the night, but he feels good that she has feelings for him, or that the head writer does. The other guys are as distressed as if their spark plugs needed replacing after only a year. Back at the hotel, the date card arrives, and it goes to Jared. He is super excited, although not enough to shave properly.
Kaitlyn returns to the rest of the guys on the boat. She still must award her rose of the evening, but it’s an uncomfortable moment. Justin steps forward to tell her he’s okay with Nick coming on; it will not deter his goal to develop a relationship with her, and possibly score a threesome. She appreciates that, then gives the rose to that very canny fellow. Tanner sneers that it may be the least meaningful rose of the show, given the context of the night. Cynic. The group-daters return to the hotel to share the awful Nick news with their comrades, who evaluate the situation like they’re in the War Room.
Snow falls the next day as we overhear Nick and Kaitlyn also dissecting this complicated dilemma. She wants him to meet her after she gets her hair done and before her date with Jared. Being a bachelorette really crams your calendar. First she just wants to talk to somebody about it all. How about Ashley? What good fortune that she’s the hairstylist.
Kaitlyn tells her pal that she has never experienced the kind of chemistry that she had with Nick on first meeting him. “That’s lust,” explains Ashley knowledgeably. Kaitlyn is dubious. She knows the difference. With chemistry, you wait to fall into bed with the guy until a few days have passed.
Her hair done, and rather poorly since Ashley was probably paid a day rate, Kaitlyn meets privately with Nick. It’s like an ex parte meeting with a judge on Law & Order. “I’m not here to be the villain,” he says, citing the script’s description of his character. She notes how strongly she feels about him, but also how bad she feels about the other guys’ reactions. “I have to be selfish,” she decides, apparently not an uncommon route for her to go. Nick is pleased. He hopes the other guys respect why he is there.
Time now, terrible as it is, for Jared’s date, which is at the Metropolitan Museum. He’s wearing a tuxedo, and Kaitlyn’s showing more skin than the statue of Aphrodite. They wander among the exhibits, but Kaitlyn is too stressed out to concentrate on 16th-century Renaissance painting, not that she’s that familiar with 21st-century house painting. Jared wants her to know that he has no regrets, no matter what happens, and it will not change how he feels about her. She will always have been good for raising his Q score.
Meanwhile, they’re still hashing it out back at the hotel. Nick, Nick, Nick! The next group-date card arrives as they review that Kaitlyn says she believes her husband is in that room, but what does that mean if Nick can be thrust into the mix now? It means you can like every pair of shoes in your closet, but still enjoy shopping for new ones.
As Jared and Kaitlyn don’t eat dinner, she praises his unique qualities. Every minute gets better with him, she feels. Also, he wrote a poem for her, good enough to be published in Highlights for Children. They kiss, and she gives him the rose. They’re back on track, she sighs happily. A limo is waiting outside to take them to a helicopter. Who wants to ride in one of those in a formal gown?
“That’s the night I fell in love with Kaitlyn,” Jared swoons as they circle Lady Liberty’s torch, reminding us of everything immigrants came to this country for, namely that this show’s budget is gargantuan since they’re paying for another helicopter to film the first one.
Next morning, Kaitlyn is still second-guessing the Nick add. But she must tell the guys her decision. When she tells them he is moving in, dramatic music swells and the guys’ faces darken forebodingly. “I do not like the energy in the room right now,” Kaitlyn mutters. Ryan sneers, “There’s tons of guys out there–when does it stop?” as if she’s wearing a sandwich board on Fifth Avenue to recruit new men for the show.
Then the group-date gang is off with Kaitlyn to a Broadway theater, where the cast is singing an Aladdin tune. She loves that show, which tells you all you need to know about her. Each guy must do an audition–dance, sing, and act. Joe is horrified. They don’t have culture in Kentucky. The winner will star with Kaitlyn at tonight’s show.
They start rehearsing. They’re going to pop out of the stage on lifts and launch into their dance with jazz hands. It’s all gayer than the Clint and JJ romance. Joshua is worried about the singing part, and with good reason. Ben and Joe also suck. Ian thinks he can sing, but he is mistaken. Princeton makes you a little narcissistic. Chris can’t wait to sing to Kaitlyn, but he should stick with cleaning teeth. Even Simon Cowell would tell them they sound like cruise ship singers.
The winner is Chris. He looks the most like a Broadway actor, and probably will add The Bachelorette to his Playbill credits. The other guys sulk in the audience seats as the director shows the couple the ropes.
Nick is still the topic at the hotel. How will the guys react when he walks in the door? How will it feel to have him there? Isn’t there a crossword puzzle or something they can do?
At the theater that night, Kaitlyn and Chris are dressed in their Aladdin gear. Kaitlyn’s tattoos add to the authenticity of her character. The two wait in the wings excitedly. Chris knows this is her dream, and is thrilled to be there for it. Too bad the audience has to be as well. Fortunately, perhaps due to the actors’ union, we are spared an actual singing performance, and the two walk on and off the stage without speaking.
Trepidation swells in the suite as the Countdown to Nick continues. How can anyone be intimidated by a guy who wears Converse low-tops? Meanwhile, Chris and Kaitlyn chatter animatedly about their moment in the lights. Afterwards, they climb a lot of stairs in a building to reach the Times Square New Year’s Eve ball on the roof, which seems like a letdown compared to having the entire Met to yourself. She gives him the rose and they kiss. “He would be a great husband,” she shares, especially considering that her veneers would be maintained for free.
Now Nick approaches the elevator in the hotel, ominously pulling his wheely suitcase behind him. The door opens on the guys’ floor, and suspenseful music carries him to the suite door. He opens it, and we hear “S’up, guys?” from within as he enters, before Chris Harrison introduces next week’s clips.
Looks like there might be some drama.
