The Bachelor Season 21 Week 3 Recap and Live Blog

Despite my attempts to introduce legislation to repeal and replace this show, tonight’s two-hour torture session will include the Rose Ceremony that we should have seen last week. That episode closed at the point when Nick sent home Liz for the transgression of mentioning they’d already had sex when he wanted to lie about it a little longer.

Adding insult to injury, tonight The Backstreet Boys have been pulled out of frozen storage to deliver the group date card. Probably because there are too many of them to all appear on Dancing with the Stars at once.

Even more foreboding than Friday’s Inauguration festivities, one of the far-too-many sites still reporting on this show reveals that the heavily bearded software sales executive “incurs the ire of his potential soul-mates by his uber-sensual behavior.” Uber-sensual. Be sure to use a pre-treating stain stick before you scrub off after the credits roll.

Apres recaps and precaps, which cost the producer less than my monthly rent to edit together, the gals are discussing the seminal events of the previous evening as they dress for the cocktail party. Nick explains why he sent Liz away, and mentions Jade and Tanner’s wedding again, which is more often than Jade and Tanner did. He claims the women should ask him questions when they have them, because he’s “an open book.” Probably one of those sex ones by Anonymous.

He discusses Lizgate with each of the women separately. They need to know where he stands on the issue of lying about sex with people they know. It’s the most scintillating conversation any of them have had yet, especially since they regard it with the gravitas of a bioethics quandary. Corinne is annoyed that Nick “had intercourse” with Liz before she got a chance to. She is determined to make that happen now so she’ll have an advantage over the others, setting  feminism back to the fourth season of The Bachelor. She experiments with taking off her clothes while wearing high heels and no underwear.

“I definitely feel a lot more at ease,” Nick proclaims after he offers the same meaningless excuse to all the women. Meanwhile, Corinne brings him a rose, a can of Reddi-Wip, and the potential for a STI. Nick ignores the calories as she smears the whipped cream on her cleavage for him to lick off. But despite how much he’s enjoying himself, he still wants to be “respectful” to the other women. A regular Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. he is. He manfully insists he won’t give in to the moment, even though he likes that she’s so comfortable with both her sexuality and what’s available in the dairy aisle.

Then Jasmine appears suddenly, wearing clothing and carrying something non-creamy. Nick goes off with to be with her. Corinne flees to cry and have her eyeliner reapplied. She feels defeated, while the audience feels disgusted and the producers decide how next to reinforce her role as The Hussy.

Now the women march into the Rose Ceremony, cleavage first. Corinne is not among them, though, as she’s snoozing away her discontent. She might also be coming down from the sugar high of the whipped cream. But she can’t knit up the raveled sleeve of care since she never wears sleeves.

After a brief speech that would make one of the Bowery Boys seem eloquent, Nick raises the first rose. He stops when he notices Corinne is absent. Wherefore art though, Corinne? he asks, only with fewer syllables. The other women mumble derisively.

Worried that her failure to appear violates the rules the show doesn’t have except when convenient for creating drama, Nick nevertheless prepares to present the blooms. The first goes to Astrid, then there’s one for whatshername with the dark hair and accent, then another for someone else who resembles Dawn, the cheap knock-off of Barbie that was all my parents were willing to pay for.

Next come Kristina, Danielle, and Rachel. Vanessa (SPOILER: Reality Steve thinks she wins this thing. Hence, she would become Vanessa Viall, a name more appropriate for a cartoon strip from 1965 about a young reporter who solves mysteries) and Raven follow, then Jami and Dominique. Sarah is next, along with Alexis and somebody else–Chesapeake? Is that the name of one of them?

One rose now remains, which goes to Jasmine. She heaves a huge sigh of relief that makes her bosom thrust forward. Two blonds are left to go home in tears, as this is the year of the brunette who isn’t Corinne.

Chris brings the date card to the mansion next morning. He’s not even bothering to iron his shirts anymore. Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney (there’s a Whitney?), Taylor, Jasmine, and Corinne are going on the group date.

Now here come the Backstreet Boys, complete with neck tats, scruffy beards, and hipster aspirations. They sing a little, but just enough that the producers didn’t have to pay to license the song. The gals pile into a long limo and go to meet Nick in their tightest workout gear. The Boys are rehearsing for their live show, they explain, and need background dancers, especially since no professionals want the job. The girls appear to be mastering the Alley Cat for the performance.

Corinne feels ignored as Nick practices with the other girls. She flees the room in despair. Another girl is directed to follow her and nod compassionately as Corinne tearfully describes her insecurities. The remaining girls complain about her bitterly. Corinne is worried because she can’t dance, but Nick is more likely interested in her talents in another venue.

Showtime. The gals are decked out in red and black, all of it tighter than a Kardashian’s face lift. The audience looks like a combination of middle-aged women, bored college students and production assistants. The Boys start jumping around amid strobe lights and mirrored panels, with Nick doing his best to look only slightly humiliated. Corinne continues to fear for her lack of skill, while Jasmine’s certain she’s got this, which means she doesn’t. The audience screams hysterically, probably because they were promised refreshments.

Danielle is announced the winner of the dance competition. She gets to sway with Nick alone on the stage while the Boys serenade them from ten feet away and everyone is deeply embarrassed. Corinne is resentful, as are the rest of us who would have preferred to watch an old MacGyver on MeTV.

Off everyone goes to the gathering that evening. Nick thanks them for getting out of their comfort zones of not dancing with has-been 90’s boy bands. Corinne demands to sit with him alone. Everyone else rolls their eyes. She needs reassurance that her Reddi-Wip act paid off, as well as her investment in several shares of the company. She apologizes about it, possibly because he would have preferred fudge sauce. He reassures her that he’s happy to be licked at any time, and she goes to take a nap, as one does.

Danielle goes off with Nick next. She thinks their conversations are amazing and they have a connection. That’s the cue to make out, and not have another conversation in case it’s not amazing.

At the mansion, it’s time to see who gets the one-on-one. It’s Vanessa. Watch for evidence that she wins, like her knowing his middle name or where he went to high school.

Corinne returns to the group to report on how tired she is. She either has iron-poor blood or a script writer who’s just given up. The women discuss having babies and boob jobs, although not necessarily in that order. Corinne reports on how her nanny still takes care of her by making her bed and preparing her lunches, which annoys Jasmine and the nannies union.

Time to present the rose. Nick wants to give it to someone he had a great time with without the aid of dessert toppings, so Danielle is recipient. The decision might also have been influenced by the opportunity to feel up her behind while they were dancing.

On their date, Vanessa and Nick get to have a Zero G-Force experience. They will be weightless, just like their personalities. Wearing jumpsuits that do not permit cleavage to show, they board a special plane that will permit them to float in what looks like a padded room at the asylum. What a great way to get to know someone’s deepest desires, hopes, and dreams. All he wants to do is kiss her, though, so it works out fine.

But as they come to earth, Vanessa starts to feel sick. That would be my reaction when I realized who I was with. Will she vomit weightless salad with lite dressing? No, someone hands her a barf bag. She’s horrified by the situation, but Nick doesn’t care, even when she fills a second bag. He likes being protective of her. He always carries Dramamine and a condom for just that reason.

Back at the house, another group-date invite arrives for Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jami, Sarah, Brittany, and Dominique. Whatever happened to names like Susie and Nancy?

Vanessa finds it romantic that Nick was passionate even after she was nauseated. They’ll have that written in their vows. At dinner, she thanks him for “being you,” which is what Andi and Kaitlyn rejected him for. She wants to know more about him, beyond how close he is to his mom and that his massive forehead must require mopping with a full tablespoon of powder every scene.

She recalls being in the limo for her grandpa’s funeral, where there were also red roses. Due to Gramps’ death being so recent, she almost did not appear on the show, but the presence of those roses and an ironclad contract convinced her she should. Freud would have a field day with that one.

Nick tells her that she makes him very excited. Vanessa says they were so open and honest with each other, talking about both live and dead relatives, that it’s worth it if he dumps her. He gives her the rose.

The group date comes next. The girls arrive at a running track. Nick tells them he competed in track and field in high school and college so he could run away from commitment. Some famous athletes I don’t know arrive to join them and direct operations. The girls will all participate in the Nickathalon, which probably involves a lot of slapping hands away and racing to the bathroom to cry.

The long jump is first, which is mostly a comparison of the ability to jiggle prior to landing in the sand. That event is followed by leaping over a hurdle onto a picture of Nick with open arms. After that, they throw a javelin into a giant heart. There’s a theme developing here, and it’s more about violence than love.

Only three did well enough to go to the next round: Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid. The winner gets “special time” with Nick in the hot tub, and possibly a fungal infection. But Dominique is crestfallen. She feels she is always overlooked as she vies for his attention. If only she could have gone to the Stop & Shop with Corinne.

The three have to run across a finish line to grab for a giant ring that is slightly less tacky than anything Neil Lane carries. Rachel is first to reach it, but knocks the thing over. It smashes, but then Astrid grabs the plastic bit that’s left and is pronounced winner. She and Nick drink champagne and make out in the hot tub. I would rather have Carl Lewis’ autograph.

That evening, the gals gather for the cocktail party. Dominique is determined to get alone-time with Nick, but he asks Astrid right off the bat. She has an admirable Cher-like, laid-back confidence that we should recall was only was good for landing Sonny. Meanwhile, Dominique breaks down in the bathroom, sharing her distress with Rachel. “Get out of your head,” Rachel advises. “You’re already out of your head,” the audience thinks.

He talks with Jami next, followed by Rachel, whom Nick calls “very much yourself,” presumably meaning not Margaret Thatcher, Dora the Explorer or Dominique. That’s the cue for them to make out. Dominique lurks nearby, and then approaches the embracing couple. Alone with him finally, she accuses Nick of not giving her a fair chance today, as if he were a geography teacher who gave everyone else’s map of the Asian continent an A. She’s upset there was no actual conversation at the group date. There sure isn’t one now. Alas, the fact is that Nick is not interested in her. He blames it on his heart not being there, as opposed to her chest not being there.

After sending Dominique packing, Nick goes back to the others. I’m grateful she left because they didn’t seem to connect, and also because I keep mistyping “Dominique.” Rachel gets the rose, and without utilizing any supermarket products.

Sarah is aware that Nick just sends people off whenever he feels like it, so she wants to be sure to connect with him at the cocktail party. Then Chris arrives and says it will be a pool party instead, which means all that matters is that one’s bikini is a string one. Apparently, Nick wants to see some buttocks before he makes his next choices. The girls hang all over him and his bare chest. They want advice on how he keeps his skin so baby-soft.

Corinne is plotting again. She invites Mick into a convenient bouncy house, where she plans to bounce in significant areas. The others are concerned as they watch her climb on top of him like a succubus and start macking on his face like a dog with a squeaky toy. She thinks they’re just jealous of how connected she and Nick are, mostly below the waist. Her narcolepsy kicks in again after he leaves her side. What’s the deal with that? Any doctors in the comments?

Raven wants to tell him how she feels, which is that he should avoid Corinne. She’s 24 and still has a nanny, Raven reports. Nick probably wonders if the nanny is hot and he can have a threesome. Jasmine and Taylor also complain about Corinne.

Vanessa wants to know what his intentions are after seeing him with Corinne post-bouncing in the bouncy house. She doesn’t want a rose if he’s not there for the right reasons. Bouncy houses are not for reverse cowgirl.

We will find out next week if she accepts one. There will be a lot of profanity bleeped as well.








About E.M. Rosenberg 240 Articles
Favorite 40-volume series issued by Time-Life Music: Sounds of the Seventies. Favorite backsplash material: Subway tile. Favorite screen legend I pretend wasn’t gay: Cary Grant. Favorite issue you should not even get me started about: Venal, bloodsucking insurance industry. Favorite character from the comic strip “Nancy”: Sluggo, or maybe Rollo. Favorite Little Debbie snack: Nutty Bars. Favorite Monkee: Mike.