Sparkles Pre-Caps the Bachelorette!

Yup. We’re going to be covering The Bachelorette this summer in a big way! Sparkles, your pre-capping clown has written a precap and will be adding color commentary! Plus, Rosewise, (you may know her as ReflectsOnLife) will be handling spoilers and show recaps!

The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays 8/7c pm

But without further ado….Sparkles pre-caps The Bachelorette, featuring Desiree Hartsock as your Bachelorette.


Sparkles’ The Bachelorette Precrap

Hello it’s me, Sparkles the Clown and you may know me from my American Idol concert recraps. And no, that’s not a typo. Recrap stands for crappy recap and crappy they surely are. But when I read that MJsBigBlog was going to recap ABC’s The Bachelorette I just had to get involved in this guiltiest of all guilty pleasures. So I came up with this precrap. Now precrap stands for a preview recap of the show and what you can expect this season. You may be wondering, Sparkles, what’s makes you so qualified to precrap this show? Well, I’ll have you know that I’ve seen every season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette. I’ve just never admitted to it before. But as that ancient Chinese proverb states: the truth shall bail you out, just don’t leave town anytime soon because there may be some further interrogations and possible future incarceration (or something like that as my English translation may be just a wee bit off). Also, back in my Carny days I was involved with a very special version of The Bachelor featuring Larry the Lobster Boy. Things were going along swell and Larry had just narrowed it down to the bearded lady and one of those tightrope broads when there was an unfortunate mishap in the hot tub. Looking back on it, you’d think at least one person would have questioned the logic of putting a lobster in what amounts to a vat of boiling water. But hindsight is 20/20 and we can all laugh about it now. Well, all except for Larry, that is (may he rest in peace).


The show is quite simple. It really only has a few ingredients: take one single girl, mix in two dozen or so single men, fold in some fantasy dates from around the world, sprinkle in some raging hormones, add a dash of emotional instability, drop in a few buckets of tears and put it all in a hot tub and beat until creamy. What is this Sparkles, Master Chef? Okay, let me put it in non culinary terms. Basically, it’s one girl who dates 20+ men at once, eliminates some guys every week at a special “Rose Ceremony” until there are only two left and then she hopefully gets engaged on the final show. The lucky guys all live together in a mansion and they travel around the world and go on fantasy dates. Some dates are one on one and some are group dates where guys must compete for the Bachelorette’s attention. There are meltdowns, smack downs and hearts are seemingly broken. Oh, and a hot tub. There must be a swirling cesspool of steaming debauchery in every episode or we might as well be watching PBS. And who the hell watches PBS?


Chris Harrison has hosted the show since day one and he really seems to appreciate what a sweet gig he has. He gets to jet around the world, hang out with good looking people and get paid a pretty penny, I’m sure. Who gives a crap about an Emmy when you can have all that. Chris has been doing the show since 2001 so he’s a real pro. He knows just what his audience wants, dare I say, what they demand, and yet he’s not too annoying or incompetent like some of these other reality show hosts (I’m looking at you Dunkleman & Steve “not the cool guitar player from the Sex Pistols but the lame season one X-Factor host” Jones).


This season’s leading lady is Desiree “Des” Hartsock and like all previous bachelorette’s she was first on a season of The Bachelor. She’s very pretty and looks a lot like Katie Holmes, however without the distant and hollow eyes of someone whose brain has been removed, probed, scrubbed and “audited” by Scientology. She made it all the way to the hometown dates before being dumped by last season’s bachelor Sean Lowe. There was quite the drama when her brother Nate basically told Sean that he thought he was just a player and perhaps wasn’t sincere in finding love on a cheesy dating show. How dare he? Oh well, even though he questioned the authenticity of a show that expects marriage after just a few weeks of dating 25 people at the same time, I’m still hoping that Nate makes an appearance and grills some of the guys who are looking to bang his sister. Because that, my friends, would be riveting TV.


There are 25 suitors for Des’ heart this season and among them there may be the typical cast of characters. These include: the guy who gets drunk the first night, the guy who kind of looks like a celebrity, the guy who spells his name in a stupid or annoying way (remember Jef? What the “f” happened to the other “f”?), the guys who have the same name so they have to use the initial of their last names, the guy who has a kid, the guy who doesn’t exit the limo but arrives in a unique way like on a horse, skateboard or a helicopter (what’s next, a pogo stick?), the guy who currently has a girlfriend but went on the show anyway, the guy who doesn’t get along with the other guys and lastly, the guy who’s there for the “wrong reasons” (such as Wes who wanted to further his country singing career and Bentley who wanted a free vacation). Every season has it’s villain and they always stick around for way too long. But, oh how sweet it is when they finally get the boot. Unless, of course, they actually “win” like Vienna or Courtney did but that’s because the lunkhead Bachelor’s were trying to get laid and not engaged. I mean, Courtney the model went skinny dipping with Bachelor Ben and the show was pretty much over at that point. Thankfully the Bachelorette’s do a much better job of not choosing the villains so we probably won’t see any of that this season.


The way the guys first meet the bachelorette is of high importance. They drive up in limos and exit one at a time and only have a few seconds to make a good first impression. Some are charming. Some try to be funny. Some even bring her a gift. Sparkles loves getting gifts. I remember on one first date a guy reached into his pocket and gave Sparkles a cute little kitten and we’ve been together ever since. Me and the kitty, that is. Anyway, these guys had better be on their best behavior because the competition will be fierce. Now if Sparkles were in their shoes and meeting the Bachelor for the first time, it would go a little something like this…Sparkles exits the limo, scratch that, Sparkles exits the tiny clown car sized limo as the faint repetitive tune from an ice cream truck plays in the distance. Sparkles stares at the bachelor for an inappropriate amount of time. She doesn’t walk towards him. No, it’s more of a cross between a hover and a glide, where she advances yet her legs do not appear to be moving. Believe me, it’s not that easy. The last time I tried that move I got a cramp in my ankle. Who the hell gets a cramp in their ankle? Within about 10 seconds the bachelor is smitten and Sparkles is engaged, married and knocked up all within 48 hours. And probably not in that order.


The show could not be produced without the following elements. First of all, if these people could not use the word “amazing” there would be long stretches of silence. Secondly, a hot tub must be fired up and ready to go at all times. Thirdly, there must be at least one episode with an ambulance. And, of course, every season Chris Harrison must threaten us with “the most dramatic Rose Ceremony ever.”


Every episode has a Rose Ceremony. Really? This is a ceremony? Actually it’s just time for the bachelorette to eliminate a few dudes and hand out roses to the “lucky” ones who will become part of her posse. At least until the next ceremony, that is. But seriously, calling this a ceremony seems a bit pretentious. Sort of like on Survivor and it’s “Tribal Council” instead of just saying it’s time to vote someone out. But these TV peeps are always trying to find a way to fancy something up or try to say something in a more PC way. On a recent episode of one of those hoarding shows some shrink said that this crazy lady wasn’t a hoarder but had problems with “excessive acquisitions.” If you’re knee deep in dirty clothes and used tissues and have 3 inches of dog feces on your floor, you just might be a hoarder. But what does a clown like me know. I’m no college graduate. Unless you count Clown School. Anyway, the Rose Ceremony includes my favorite part of the show. It’s when Chris Harrison taps an empty wine glass with a fork to signify that it’s time for the bachelorette to go to some back room to gaze at photos of the men before making her choices. I always wondered how they came up with the idea to tap a wine glass with a fork. Does Chris keep a special fork in his suit pocket or does he just grab one from the kitchen? No doubt he has an assistant whose sole purpose is to present him with the wine glass and fork from a velvet lined wooden box. I’ll have to remember to check the ending credits for fork wrangler or some such designation. But I must admit that for some reason it would excite me immensely to eat my dinner with this fork. Preferably while Chris Harrison was still holding it. But I do wish he’d mix it up a bit more and maybe hit a giant gong once in a while or blink the lights like a kindergarten teacher would do. Oh, who am I kidding? I’d totally miss the ting ting ting of Chris’s fork. It’s like sweet music to this crazy clown’s ears.

So I think that about covers it. Hopefully after reading this precrap you will be suitably intrigued and will be sure to plant your booty on the nearest sofa and set your eyeballs upon that glowing light box of glorious sound and vision every Monday night. And then, of course, read the recaps here on MJsBigBlog. Sparkles, for one, is so excited that she must fight the urge to write in all caps and use excessive exclamation points. Oh what the hell, I surrender. THIS IS GOING TO BE EPIC!!!!!

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