All Aboard The Sparklebus, Were Goin To Moline!
a/k/a Team Indifference Takes Another Stand (On Second Thought I Think Well Just Sit)
American Idols live in Moline, IL 8/8/07
Yes, the long national nightmare is over. After the overwhelming demand for another Sparkles recap, I thought Id see another concert & give the people what they want. Actually, I think only one person wanted another recap from me so more accurately, it give that one person what they want. Anyway, once again I was watching the eBay auctions & I saw plenty of tix available for the show in Moline, IL. One pair of floor seats about 20 rows back sold for $1.25 (and yes, the decimal point is in the right place. I tried to do the math & see what that would be per Idol but my calculator didnt go that low). Now since Moline is only about 3 hours from here it would be no problem loading up the Sparklebus & hitting the road. But James could not skip work & if you saw the recap I wrote last year you know I have a bit of a problem taking long road trips by myself. So Ill be honest and say that I didnt actually physically go to the concert in Moline, IL. But I did transcend both time & space to imagine what it would have been like. And methinks it would have gone a little something like this ¦
I wasnt about to tell my Parole Officer that I would be crossing state lines to see performers I despised so that I could write a lame recap about it. No, I needed to keep this on the down low. So I vaselined my ankle, removed my tracking bracelet, attached it to the collar of my faithful hound dog Cooter & hit the road. We left mid afternoon & headed to the far south end of Illinois to what is known as the quad cities.
Now Milwaukee isnt exactly the most sophisticated or cosmopolitan of cities. It sort of like Chicago overweight cousin who has a chronic rash & a learning disability. But compared to Moline, you might as well call it Paris. In the Moline parking lot there were more tractors than BMWs (I think the final tally was 24 to zero). This was small town USA with all its charm, hospitality and missing teeth. The venue is quite a bit smaller than the one in Milwaukee. I went to their website to get some info & all I saw were circus photos with clowns & elephants etc. Even though I was kicked out of clown school for refusing to get into one of those little cars with a dozen other clowns (damn claustrophobia), these are still my kind people & I knew I was in for a good time.
Here are some of my leftover thoughts from the Milwaukee show that I edited out because I was afraid that recap was getting way too long. So Im going to need you to pretend they are from the Moline show. Just like when you watch …Dukes Of Hazzard and the General Lee jumps a bridge & you want to say …there no way a Dodge Charger could fly that far, I need you to suspend your disbelief. Thanks.
Once again the concert reminds me of a high school talent show. Actually, do you remember that episode of The Brady Bunch when the kids formed a singing group & entered a talent show so they could win the money to buy an engraved silver platter for their parents? They had to earn some money because Jan thought the engraving was 85 cents total & not 85 cents a letter. And you thought Cindy was the dumb one. Anyway, it sort of reminded me of that at times but without Alice or that spunky Cousin Oliver. And if there ever a concert that could use a jolt of spunk, it this one. I also thought it was a little anti-climatic having all of the Idols appear in the beginning. When Jordin makes what should be her big entrance near the end, all I kept thinking was didnt I see you 10 minutes ago? And the 10 minutes before that? As corny as Taylor entrance through the crowd was last year, it at least built up some anticipation and excitement.
I was so enamored with the trap door at the Milwaukee show I forgot to mention one of my other fave parts. And that would be the disco balls that made the entire venue awash in reflective & twirling white lights. That was so cool. Most of the performers I see in concert are Rock & Roll Hall Of Famers who are too serious about their music & too hoity toity to have disco balls & trap doors. I mean come on Bob Dylan, would it hurt you to have a couple of twirling orbs hoisted above your head? For one freakin song? I must add that I also liked it when the rings of light were lowered so it looked like spaceships were landing. It reminded me of my home planet. All hail Sparkledonia!
As I watched Gina & Chris S. perform …Thanks For The Memories I began to think that although gracious, it also sounded quite selfish. I mean, how about a little less thanking us for your memories & a little more entertaining us so we can thank you for our memories. Seriously, whoever had the bright idea to perform that song should get a good spanking. And I dont mean the fun kind that Mr. Sparkles & I engage in during …Happy Happy Spanky Time every Tuesday night.
I really wanted to get video of Sanjaya entrance through the floor to the …Thriller music. In Milwaukee I was too transfixed to record it. But lo & behold, I was mesmerized once again like a deer in headlights. Luckily the image is forever burned in my retinas & I only need to close my eyes to see it. I heart Sanjaya!
As talented as Melinda and LaKisha are, I wish theyd go a little more contemporary. Melinda solo …Natural Woman was released 40 years ago. And the last time …I Will Always Love You was a huge hit was 15 years ago. I would have liked to hear Melinda Bon Jovi song but maybe they thought that was Jersey overload with Blake & Jordin picks. Maybe it was Melinda not wanting to get out of her comfort zone but I would have preferred to hear her rock out. The lights would have been so cool.
I have to mention that Phil gave his usual 110 percent. Anyone who enters the stage in a long black leather coat while doing pseudo karate moves, all while keeping a straight face by the way, is alright by me. My mind momentarily wandered during his song while I envisioned myself in that same leather coat, although it would totally be covered in sparkles & sequins. Although some people would look like a human disco ball, Im pretty sure I could pull it off.
This time I really noticed the huge amount of group songs, trios & duets. There Cake (Chris & Blake), there Oreo (LaKisha, Chris & Melinda) & there Trainwreck (any combo that includes Haley or Sanjaya). The 3 Stooges comedy act with Phil, Sanjaya & Chris S. was one of the most bizarre things Ive ever seen. I mean really, did they forget that we had paid for our seats? But the worst transgression was the girls song with the couch on stage. How cruel to show us a couch during a snoozefest such as this. That was just plain mean.
What I did love is the Bon Jovi songs because they rock & I can sing along. When Jordin sang …Livin On A Prayer I took the advice of whoever came up with that saying …dance like no one is watching. But it wasnt exactly true because a lot of people were watching me. I dont know if it was because my dancing was so great or because what was going on onstage was so boring. Id like to think it was the former but I have to admit it was probably the latter. No matter, Sparkles loves the attention.
Once again, James loved Cake. If I didnt know better Id think he was going all Brokeback on me. But seriously, he feels that Chris R. & Blake will be the most successful of the bunch. His job prevents him from watching every episode of the TV show so his opinion isnt biased or tainted by all the bs that goes on there. I guess time will tell if they sell a lot of CDs. But Im sure their CD sales will be dissected for years & years to come so I wont go on & on about that now.
Near the end of the show, I wanted to rush the stage & try to get a high five from one of the Idols. But it was as if the stage was the US, I was Mexico & the security guards were the Great Wall of China (see Sparkles aint stoopid & knows her some geography). I normally hate high fives because it so over done in our culture & it has lost its powerful meaning of a job well done. I mean, nowadays people will high five just about anything. Woke up this morning ‘ high five. Ate some cereal ‘ high five. Abuses of the high five like this make me sick. But even though I am anti high five, I was willing to make an exception this time because, well frankly because Im such a giver. But it was not to be & my hand remained naked, alone & unhighfived. As sad as that sounds, that could describe my life: Naked, Alone & Unhighfived. No wonder Sparkles drinks.
The show was over & it was time to drive back home. Once we made our way through the corn field to where the Sparklebus was parked, I slipped in my fave 8 track tape & cranked up …Dreaming by Blondie. This was fitting because I really wasnt there at all. No, I was back at home & only dreaming this whole thing up. Or more likely, I was drunk & having one hell of a hallucination. Either way, …Dreaming is one f*cking great song!
Now I suspect that some of you are thinking that Im a …jellus h8tr because the Idols are all richer & more famous than I will ever be. But not so fast Fanjayas, Glocksenites & Cakeronis. I happen to have at least a dozen mayo jars filled with shiny coins buried in my backyard. And never doubt the far reach of the Sparkles legend. Or at least Im a legend in my own mind. No, I wrote this because many people seem to feel that most of the negative reviews are written by writers who dont even attend the concerts. So why cant I do the same? But seriously, dont hate me Season 6 fans, because as my Grandma always told me, if you cant laugh at yourself then make fun of others and laugh at them. Or something like that.
Now it time for me to return to lurkdom. I would love to post more often but my many admirer are always demanding a little …Sparkle Time. Not to mention the responsibilities of raising my imaginary triplets Trixie, Dixie & Pixie. Or more accurately, I will probably either be in prison, in rehab or attending scrapbook making classes (Sparkles feels that everyone should have a hobby) ¦Sparkles out!
Because I didnt really go to the show, here are my Milwaukee pics again. I did add a few more pics & some wise ass comments though so you may want to take a second look.