It’s “The Women Tell All” night, when 17 of the banished bachelorettes return to reveal the depths of their disgust with Juan Pablo, their resentment towards each other, and what dresses they chose to wear while sitting for an hour and a half with their legs crossed. Best of all, Molly the Dog joins them. No animals were harmed in the making of this special. Egos are another story.
In other news, Renee is engaged to some guy she’s known for a long time. She certainly had no policy against him seeing her kiss JP on TV. Let’s hope he has better taste in lamps than her family does.
Let the games begin! Chris just loves playing the role of interviewer. He heard this is how Morley Safer got started. This season has been one of the most controversial ever, he informs a rapt audience of paid extras. Everyone has been yelling about what an abysmal creep JP is. So not really controversial, if America agrees he sucks. A good sign for the nation, as we’ve rarely come together on any issue since New Coke and Ishtar.
First we welcome Sean and Catherine, the virgin Bachelor and the woman who I’m not sure if she ever had sex, who got married. Chris briefly reviews their televised wedding and the reception, which produced no advertising revenue, then leeringly asks about their wedding night. Catherine describes it as “quick fireworks.” Well, so much for that marriage. Then Sean tells about how he was bitten on the crotch by a stingray during their honeymoon. At this rate, these two will remain childless forever. Sometimes nature takes care of things all by itself.
Next Chris talks to Miss Piggy. No, not Clare–the Muppet Miss Piggy. She’s going to marry Kermit the Frog. See, the conservatives were right–all these gay marriage rights have led to the sanctioning of interspecies puppet weddings. In fact, Arizona is passing legislation to permit florists and bakeries to refuse service to any stuffed animal couples planning weddings. The pointless gimmick here is that JP is their best man. Wait, Kermit is an imposter with a strange accent! I just thought he sounded that way since Jim Henson died. The real Kermit then appears to conclude the introduction to the movie promotion segment, and that four and half minutes is bought and paid for.
Into the studio come all the bitter bachelorettes and Molly, who probably just wishes she had a rawhide. The crowd, which consists almost exclusively of women, cheer Andi the loudest when she’s introduced. Her bitching will be the most entertaining.
When asked, Renee remembers that JP was handsome. Molly ignored him at their first meeting, which should have been a sign for Kelly. Dogs always know. There’s a montage of all the girls describing how sexy JP is, how they love his accent, and all the other great qualities he had that they now realize were just written into the script. Except maybe his kissing ability. Everyone who got to try it did seem pleased with his tongue.
“Why wasn’t that enough?” asks Chris, genuinely stumped that JP’s washboard abs couldn’t cement lasting relationships with all 27 women.
The girls attack Renee for being satisfied only to talk about Camila and her son Ben. There needs to be more in a relationship than just what you have in common, you know. Of course, the fact that JP hasn’t produced anything except the fruit of his loins kind of makes it challenging to discuss anything else. “You want to know what their favorite color is,” points out Cassandra sagely.
Kelly accuses Lauren of being upset, when they were all at the house, that JP wasn’t interested in her, when now she thinks he’s a boring, self-absorbed loser. Well, back then she wanted more camera time, and Sharleen already had the “he’s not good enough for me” narrative cornered. Andi believes JP just wanted to score some tail (I’m paraphrasing), while all the girls were there in search of a husband. A husband with top-drawer veneers and a waxed chest.
Another girl complains how JP changed the rules all the time, invoking Camila whenever it suited him as an excuse to keep his distance. Chris asks how Renee felt about that, since she was the one he kept his tongue from longest. She was disappointed in the Camila Defense, because she wants her kid to see love as it is manifested by Frenching a stranger on national TV. Cassandra was confused–exactly who was JP not respecting when he would kiss her and not kiss Renee? Is respect really a factor any more once you’ve signed up for a reality show wherein you vie with 26 other women for a man’s affections? And why is his kissing or not kissing someone the standard of proof that he respects anybody? He’d stick that tongue in a waste pipe as long as it didn’t ask him complicated questions in an interview.
As to Oceangate, Sharleen resents his flip-flopping about the issue the next day. She wanted him to be consistent in his assholishness. Andi would have done the same thing despite the disapproval she felt toward Clare. Enough with the introspection and analysis–all anybody really wants to know is if those two actually jumped each other’s bones in the sea. And by the way, that shade of hospital-ward green is doing Andi no favors.
Time to get some answers from Sharleen, the first of the two girls who dumped JP for being exactly what he appeared to be. Chris thinks she was really intriguing, because she was not absolutely sure how she felt about JP at any given moment, instead of being overwrought and wretched with fear of failure like all the other girls. He must never have to return things he buys on Amazon. We are treated to a montage of Sharleen and JP’s tongues. As the sad music plays off her weepy departure scene, the camera shows her now, grinning contentedly. She must not be questioning her decision anymore.
Chris reminds her that she said she wished she were dumber, and asks what that means. I wish he were smarter. Sharleen finally admits that the appeal of JP was all about sex. She does insist he asked about her, though, possibly even about things besides the contents of her brokerage account and her real estate holdings. Cue shot of Andi looking morose. Does Sharleen have regrets? She should regret the eyebrow stencil she uses.
Now to look more closely at Renee. What was their special connection, asks Chris, although calling it “special” when he tossed her out at number four seems generous. THEY BOTH HAVE KIDS, WE KNOW, WE KNOW. Since Chris always wants to find out if there’s regret, he asks if Renee thinks it would have made a difference if she had been able to tell JP she loved him. Twist the knife, why don’t you. How did she feel when JP was kissing the other women and not her? Chris would make a good guard at Guantanamo. Has she dated at all since the show, Chris probes further, suggesting that she is now a lonely spinster ruined for men forever by JP’s hesitation to jam his tongue down her throat 30 seconds after every encounter began. Yes, she is in a “situation,” reveals Renee coyly. Is that the new euphemism for “knocked up”?
Now we’ll talk to Andi. What went wrong in the Fantasy Suite that fateful night, beside the fact that it was called the Fantasy Suite? First let’s find out why Andi was falling in love with JP in the first place, because that’s the real stumper. Essentially, Andi offers, he was really good-looking. Chris helpfully explains that the cameras and crew leave when the couple is in the suite, since this isn’t pay TV. Andi says they had a few laughs, but then the conversation became all about him, and he also became negative . Smirking that he thinks he’s a “great Bachelor,” she recalls him telling her that she was “barely there.” And when he told her he’d been with Clare already, she was so shocked and appalled, she pretended to go to sleep. So…was that before or instead of sex? Did he, uh, take care of himself? Did they order breakfast?
Everyone’s had a date like that, laughs Chris. Ha ha, yeah, Chris, in ’07, I remember I went out with a guy who was also dating several other women on TV, and when we were finally in the Fantasy Suite, I just snubbed that rude jerk! Andi insists that while JP made her feel cheap, he was never mean to her. Well, except for all the means things he said. How are you now, asks Chris kindly. Sadly, she is not in a situation. Despite everything, though, she thinks it still could have worked. Maybe if she had been dumber.
And now it’s time to hear what JP has to say. That will be either “it’s okay” or “ai yi yi.” He’s happy to see all the girls again, he claims, as they eye him icily like the jury in the Bernie Madoff case. Confronted with everyone’s palpable disgust, which is the international language, he asserts that “I’ve been honest since day one.” He has no regrets, either, about how he treated any of the women. Somewhere, Camila’s mother is watching and laughing bitterly.
Lauren speaks first. She wanted him to tell her he wasn’t “feeling it” from the start. But that’s Camila’s fault! “I’m not here to kiss 27 women,” he proclaims, to which Chris points out that he kissed at least 18 of them.
Cassandra says if he cared so much about Renee’s son Ben’s feelings, he shouldn’t have done the hometown visit and met the kid. Good point, Cassie! But JP does not understand why. I think it’s not so much a language barrier here, as some form of brain deficiency.
He’s getting aggressive. Why are these women questioning him? They should be making sandwiches. Further, he announces, when he was on The Bachelorette, it was okay to leave Camila behind because she had her mom to stay with her. He sent home the moms on this show because they were abandoning their children to slut it up with him (I’m paraphrasing).
Chris asks Andi if there’s something she would like JP to understand. She accuses him of not taking the time to get to know any of them. “I got to know some of the girls as I wanted to get to know them,” he says dismissively, meaning his tongue got to know their tongues. Lucy says all anybody wanted was to be seen as an equal. That’s why she ran around naked all the time.
Kelly brings up the gay remarks, taking particular offense at his use of the term “pervert.” He tries the ol’ “taken out of context” defense, although it’s difficult to imagine a context in which “pervert” could be used in a positive way. JP loves gay people! He refuses to explain himself because it would take an hour, largely due to his need to consult Google Translate. Sharleen rushes to point out that he’s in fact very open-minded, that they discussed equality during their dates. Clearly, she wants another session with the bare abs before she flies home.
To alleviate the tension, a blooper reel follows. I think the gay remarks were the biggest blooper. It includes a series of “it’s okay’s” from him, an incident wherein the use of the term “my package” to describe his daughter must be explained to him as being inappropriate (and an excellent way to define “context” for the man), and a shot of Molly peeing in the hot tub. At its close, JP is packed off to simmer in his dressing room about the news that DWTS has confirmed they want nothing to do with him.
Next week, it’s down to Nikki and Clare, Chris reminds us. What does everyone think? Why would we care? A sneak peek at the finale shows how beautiful St. Lucia is, how Cracker-Jack-prize tacky the ring is, and that Nikki needs to get her roots touched up. Both she and Clare spend time sobbing alone on various pieces of hotel furniture, likely because they can’t get appointments with the manicurist before brunch. I can barely contain myself to see what happens! Hint: Clare’s sister Laura will be pleased with the outcome.