Press your stethoscope against your TV screen for the finale of Listen to Your Heart. Unfortunately, only a defibrillator can save this show.
Tonight, everyone is in Nashville, home of the Grand Ole Opry, Country Music Hall of Fame, and that delicious hot chicken that Elvis probably took out his Cadillac to pick up. Which of the three remaining couples will stagger away with a three-minute bit on Fallon filmed from their living rooms, and a consult with a cosmetic dentist?
Bri and Chris, Jamie and Trevor, and Rudi and Matt will perform before an audience of dozens, some maybe even familiar with music. Each pair will sing two songs, and have three emotional breakdowns, before the winners are identified. This format went so well that ABC is casting Listen to Your Mother, in which six couples let their moms decide who gets engaged. The next-to-last episode, After the Final Shopping Trip, follows the couples as they register for gifts.
Tonight’s pairs will also have the opportunity to spend a night in a Fantasy Suite, where the joyful sounds they produce will be broadcast only on pay channels. Listen to My Orgasm didn’t get by the censors.
Before there’s any uglies-bumping, though, Jamie wants to know that she and Trevor are on the same page, ideally one that appears in a chapter of The Guide to Getting It On. Rudi and Matt are known as Mudi, which admittedly is the only option after you eliminate Ratt. Bri and Chris probably come in second, since Bris would be an awful couple name even if they were Jewish.
Aw, the lady on Wheel of Fortune won a car. It’s a contrast to the lady on Listen to Your Heart, who will win a lemon.
Let us begin. The kids board a plane to Nashville. Chris is amazed at how quickly he fell for Bri, especially since he thought the show had eight episodes. Rudi acknowledges she and Matt have had their problems, mostly beard-burn, but is encouraged that things went well for them last week. Jamie and Trevor are thrilled to have reached this point in their relationship, which is at a stage where most couples are just learning the other person’s favorite limited Oreo flavor.
Chris Harrison welcomes the group to the final performance stage, where the couples will each perform two songs. Before that, they will have one final date. It will be very important, Chris tells them, as Fantasy Suite cards are involved, not to mention complimentary mints.
Matt tells us that he and Rudi have made great progress. In fact, she now remembers how to spell his last name, although no way will she ever call herself Rudi Ranaudo. Nevertheless, he is freaked out about their standing on the show. Have they reached the same point as their competitors? Does either one know the others’ favorite character on Friends, or whether they like to sleep with the window open?
Rudi is concerned about the song they’ve been assigned, the classic Dylan tune Make You Feel My Love. That’s a difficult number for two people who still don’t know if the other one is allergic to cats.
Trevor and Jamie practice their number. They both plan to move to Nashville so Trevor can be nearby when Jamie has an emotional breakdown over losing the remote control right before a new episode of Penny Dreadful: City of Angels.
Bri and Chris are just delighted with each other all the time. It seems promising until we recall where that kind of attitude led Ali Landry and Mario Lopez.
Rudi confronts Matt about their relationship. He likes singing with her, calling it the “best musical experience of my life,” although there was one Celine Dion special he liked a lot. As to their romantic relationship, he just “can’t get there.” Try Waze, Matt. Rudi tries to soothe him, explaining that what they have on stage is real, unlike in the case of RuPaul.
Matt doesn’t agree. Rudi is angry at him for not revealing his feelings sooner, and also for shaving his head like a French poodle’s flanks. Try as he might, he cannot comfort her. She leaves the room in tears as he frowns into his lap, as helpless as Chris Harrison without a writers room. Her sobbing echoes over the Nashville skyline like someone blasting Merle Haggard from a roof deck.
We return from commercial to Rudi’s vocal anguish manating from the bedroom. Matt asserts manfully that he cannot fake it with her, although he did a fine job up til now. “I care for you so deeply,” he reports, like a used-car salesman intent on offloading a 2010 Mitsubishi Raider. She endures his pronouncements stoically, much like I do the Reader’s Digest Drama in Real Life.
It’s officially over. Rudi and Matt bid farewell to the other couples. It’s a tearful moment, but only for those who are emotionally stunted. They depart hand-in-hand, heading into an uncertain future where The Voice might consider them damaged goods
Chris, Bri, Trevor, and Jamie are sad to see these two leave, but not as sad as at the series finale of Babylon 5. Jamie quickly pivots to wondering if the Fantasy Suite is the right choice for her and Trevor tonight. She wants to feel fully comfortable moving forward. A pair of Aerosoles might help.
The two discuss their emotions during past failed relationships. Nobody ever discusses previous successful relationships that maybe ended amicably. that show would be Listen to Your Common Sense. Trevor admits he fears heartbreak, but feels sure when he’s singing with Jamie. She agrees he is the only thing she sees on stage with her, besides the drummer.
They confirm they are both falling in love, and eager to hit the sheets pronto. They go into the suite. Jamie cries out at the strawberries and champagne waiting on the bed. Trevor hopes she amps up the volume when he takes their place.
Meanwhile, Bri prepares for her date with Chris. She feels the two of them are a strong pair, but she still wants to take things slowly. Physical intimacy must be viewed seriously, she confirms, which is why she chose to meet a potential life partner via a casting agent.
The date card is opened. Will Bri and Chris choose to forgo their individual suites and perhaps just send each other dirty texts? Bri wants to wait until the “right time” to be intimate,perhaps after watching one of the Twilight movies. Chris agrees that moving too fast can be damaging to a relationship. It certainly didn’t work for MJ and Lisa Marie Presley.
Next morning, Jamie and Trevor awaken tangled in the blankets. They are thrilled with the situation, so they’ll lose the show.
Time to perform. Chris and Bri start on the wrong foot. Even the music director feels they aren’t doing their best. Bri can’t focus and feels uninspired, but suddenly seems to think if they’d boffed each other, it would have helped. It’s not to late for them to head to the supply room and improve the mood. Instead they both feel desultory as they head to the actual performance.
Meanwhile, Jamie and Trevor are all contented and confident. Sex can have that effect, especially when you’re also getting free wardrobe and make-up. The show is clearly concerned about this disparity in the couples’ relationships. Bri and Chris are acting like two people who actually know each other. It’s unheard of!
It’s almost time to perform outside the sheets. The audience cheers as Jamie displays cleavage like two Jean-Luc Picards tucked inside her neckline. Chris Harrison welcomes the audience, who cheer mindlessly. “These couples have actually fallen in love,” Host Chris reminds everyone in awe. It’s easier to believe that Ethel Merman married Ernest Borgnine.
Some big names are in the audience. Kaitlyn and Jason are the Bachelor representatives, apparent experts on love with a virtual stranger, while Taye Diggs and Jewel are the celebs. He sings? Rita Wilson is also there as a judge. She sings? Add in the president taking hydroxychloroquine when he doesn’t have COVID-19, and nothing makes sense anymore.
Rita recommends stripping naked emotionally for this performance. Jewel likes that music makes us feel closer. Jamie’s dress indicates that she has followed Rita’s advice to the letter. She and Trevor are first with Unchained Melody. Once you hear Elvis do this, no one else can measure up, even if they haven’t gotten fat and sweaty. As hard as they try, though, these two look like they’re shopping for budget electronics.
Bri and Chris fear they cannot match the other couple’s passion, polish, and and artfully tweezed brows. At least Bri is more physically comfortable without her boobs propped under her chin like a cervical collar.
Next Trevor and Jamie will sing Speechless by some people I never heard of. Trevor doffs his skinny jacket for this round, which is the only notable thing about him. All I can think about is why anyone would name their child Jewel or Taye.
The performance is met with hearty applause. Jamie is very proud of herself—oh, and she’s also glad to be there with Trevor. Rita liked the performance. Taye thinks they’re adorable, but their nerves got to them. Kaitlyn senses they’re hot for each other.
The extensive praise for their rivals is rough on Bri and Chris, who are up next. They know they have to take it to the next level, which isn’t too hard when the previous act was in the underground parking garage.
They surge onto the stage and launch into Make You Feel My Love. They’ve already won, according to the editor. Rita clutches her heart as the audience swoons vocally and Kaitlyn and Jason kiss in apparent support. The crowd screams its approval as Bri and Chris launch into the next song. The audience is also gulping this performance like a refreshing sorbet. Are they going to introduce a scandal now so we’ll be unsure who wins for the next few minutes?
Rita loves them, Taye wants to buy their album, and Jewel feels their connection is genuine. Nobody cares what the other two judges think. The couple leave the stage triumphantly. Now they can have sex in peace.
The judges are ready to review their notes, largely just a series of emojis, then pick the winners. Trevor wants so much to tour with Jamie, but without having to pay the airfare. Chris points out that the final rose means everything, which suggests he’s never seen the show before.
The two couples come on stage to learn their fate. Jamie again appears to be vying for most bountiful cleavage. We’re reminded of the prize that will now be on hold. It’s like getting admitted to Harvard in March, then having to take online classes from your rumpus room in the fall.
The winners are Chris and Bri. She is allergic to gluten, while his favorite wedding party song is Stand By Me. The judges rush the stage to congratulate them.
Despite losing, Trevor feels he gained something, most likely a ball and chain. Chris and Bri leave in triumph, after she sensibly removes her heels. They return to their trailer, where two roses await. They award them to each other before driving off in their bus. Maybe Bris is a good name after all.
A final screen card tells us that they are still deeply in love, and will release their album soon, or soon after they can sing without masks.