2015 MTV Music Video Awards – Winners List & Live Blog

After only 10 minutes of the pre-show, I’ve seen a rainbow-striped cutaway suit, hotpants, chains, and overly revealing sheer panels, and that was all on just Chrissy Teigen and one other guy. One girl has on the same dress I wore to Robbie Wagner’s bar mitzvah party at the Shackamaxon Country Club in ’74. Kelly Osborne has a tattoo over one ear that you can only see because she shaved that side of her head. Finally, there is a person named Charlamagne interviewing a guy carrying a frightened puppy.

Join us at 9:00 PM central when they will begin actually giving out the Moon Man awards; see below for the list of nominees. We’ll also be treated to some slammin’ (I think that’s the right word) performances by people whose names I cannot spell since frequently vowels are deliberately missing.

It’s nice to see that MTV has an award for Video with a Social Message, which ideally should be to stop watching music videos and go volunteer in a soup kitchen. Or at least leave the puppy at home so it isn’t traumatized by the sight of Nicki Minaj’s outfit.

The whole shebang will be hosted by Miley Cyrus and her barely apparent, yet oft-displayed cleavage, with random appearances by her tongue. There’s an intern who’s sole responsibility is to spritz it at regular intervals so it doesn’t dry out. Irate viewers’ indignant letters to the FCC complaining about Miley’s shockingly inappropriate behavior will be featured later this week on Gawker.

While we wait, you should know that the commercial for Lola’s Hair on Flatbush Avenue tells us that they will sell you three bundles for $180. Seems like a good deal.

Now to begin. We start with some questionably tasteful generic African-native dancer types with immense feather headdresses. Nicki Minaj joins them, looking more like she just stepped away from a luau. There are lots of thrusting of hips and shaking behinds, since contemporary dance is less about expressing emotions through movement than expressing sexiness through hot bodies. Then Taylor Swift appears, dressed like a sexy 20’s flapper with Minnie Mouse eyelashes, but at least shiny red fringe is carried across as a theme. The two hug carefully at the close of the song.

Next is some other guys I do not know doing a a sort of updated West Side Story-gang type of performance. I haven’t seen this much leather moving in a confined space since the last Jennifer Convertibles sale. Then another guy, who looks like a member of Three Dog Night, appears out of a giant silver and gold eagle’s head, which may have something to do with the lyrics if only I could make them out. They are singing a song called Downtown in an actual downtown area. Petula Clark shakes her head at the lack of originality.

The show now officially begins. Here comes Miley in a sequined halter jumpsuit, detachable rainbow flamenco sleeves, blond dreads crowned by fake flowers, and pink plastic dangly earrings. She looks like three shelves in a Claire’s. Behind her are projected repeatedly melting multi-colored Peter Max graphics that should be giving pleasant flashbacks to all the elderly rockers in the audience. She explains that she didn’t do an album this year because she was focusing on Instagram. Cue a short comedy clip about how she chooses her photos, and predictably, it’s not funny, largely because Andy Samberg is in it.

The first award of the night, Best Male Video, will be presented by Britney Spears, who arrives in a gold sparkly mini dress with strategic cutouts. Why do they separate male and female videos? Just give Best Video to one person, or soon there will be categories for cis-genders, hermaphrodites, and pansexual people, and this thing will run until 2 AM. The Moon Man goes to Mark Ronson ft. (which I have learned stands for “featuring,” and that just makes me angry somehow) Bruno Mars for Uptown Funk. Bruno is so short. I don’t know why the Moon Man should represent MTV, though.  I often say, “We can send a man to the moon, but we can’t produce songs with a melody.”

Next up is Jared Leto to announce a performance by The Weeknd. That missing “e” just bugs. Miley introduces hhim while wearing a dress comprised of three strips of silver fabric the width of a yardstick, decorated with five large buttons. At least I think all five are buttons.  Jared’s hair is pinkish-red, a color favored by a landlady I once had who was in her 80’s and wore stretch pants and three-inch heels, and he is wearing a polka dot chemise. At this point, someone in a white shirt and Levis would seem avant-garde. The Weeknd sings Can’t Feel My Face, which I can truly relate to right about now.

Here comes Rebel Wilson now, dressed in some kind of police officer’s uniform. She rips it off to reveal a shirt that says something apparently profane, then make some jokes about strippers dressed as police and her grandma. She’s presenting Best Hip Hop Video. The Moon Man goes to Nicki Minaj for Anaconda. Nicki is clad in a gold lame gown that’s clings tighter than the label on an Amazon delivery box, with a neckline that would be even lower if her enormous gazongas didn’t raise it three inches. She and Rebel twerk together like old friends.

Back to Miley, now wearing just a pair of giant felt lips covering her lower half, and two Miss Piggy eyes over her tiny bosoms, accessorized with a pink plastic visor. She and her people must spend months brainstorming these costumes. Either that or dropping acid and leaving a tape recorder on nearby. She and Nicki bicker amiably over Miley’s disapproving comments following Nikki’s churlish complaint on Twitter about something relating to the awards. Meanwhile, starving people in undeveloped nations continue to not win any awards on TV.

For the next segment, Miley’s wearing just a number of circular colored disks over her important parts. Nick Jonas and some guy whom my niece probably owns every song ever recorded by present the award for Best Female Video. It goes to Taylor Swift, of course, for Blank Space. She must have had to build an entire wing to display all her awards. On the other hand, I can easily picture her as Norma Desmond in a couple of decades, perhaps with Justin Bieber as her Max. Tay is wearing Bozo’s bathroom wallpaper from the 70’s.

Now Miley is wearing a costume tribute to I Dream of Jeannie, but a much, much briefer version, more like Wet Dream of Jeannie. Hailee Steinfeld presents the next performer, Demi Lovato. According to press reports, Demi is feeling much better emotionally these days, perhaps more complet. Vocally, she still needs intensive therapy. She is soon joined on stage by some blond chick whose voice cannot be heard at all. Confetti swirls over the audience and beach balls are bounced from hand to hand as Demi, clad in a black and purple bathing costume, is carried forward inside an inflatable pool. Because the theme of the performance is “things related to swimming, except the confetti and those feathery jacket things the dancers had on.”

Now for a performance by the Biebs, something we all hotly anticipated. Is he wearing leggings? He and his dancers hop around and make boxy arm movements while the audience happily wriggles along. With all the colored flashing lights, giant graphics, and regiments of dancers encroaching on him like bodyguards, the actual singing is impossible to discern. Then young Justin, man of unique experience, offers us spoken words of wisdom about journeys and destinations and things bigger than ourselves. Like Nicki’s behind.

Miley is now wearing a silver spiky-fringe-covered caftan to introduce Sia and some guy, what the hell, I can’t follow the way this thing moves so fast. Sia’s got on a lot of white clothesline. The pair appropriately mention current social issues to introduce the Social Message Video award. It goes to Big Sean ft. Kanye West and John Legend, for One Man Can Change the World, which seems like a nice message, even though he could have said “one person” since some of our social issues are that women don’t get a fair shake. And I know one man who can’t even change the toilet paper roll when it’s empty. Also, Big Sean is kind of a Small Sean.

After another inane comedy clip with Snoop Dogg turning into a pigg after Miley eats a suspect brownie, our charming hostess dons a rainbow-striped rectangle to introduce Ne-Yo and Kylie Jenner, who is wearing a macrame hanging plant holder. She is a person who has done less than nothing but has become world-famous before the age of 20, similar to Baby Jessica who fell down the well. They present Tori Kelly to sing in a sparkly catsuit with occasional guitar strums. At least she has a voice of some merit.

Next T-Swift will honor Kanye West with the Video Vanguard Award. Does she have some kind of contract to appear every 15 minutes? We already know he has a deal with the devil to be overexposed until 2023. Yeezy is seen first in an abominably pretentious video that instructs us that the artist aims for perfection and his work transforms us. It’s apparently sincere. Beauty, truth, vision–all are emphasized in the mundane, cliched narration celebrating a person who named his child North West.

Taylor praises the man who now sits with his wife whose bosom is spilling out of her Robin Hood-like laced-front garment. With all the fashion expertise she has access to, no one told her to wear a good bra? For this auspicious occasion, KW himself chose to wear a  giant beige t-shirt such as one might select to clean a very special basement. As he ascends the stage, the audience goes berserk, screaming his name and reaching their arms toward him in supplication.

Kanye discusses how his daughter has made him change his attitude. Yet he still plans to give his son a stupid name, too. He explains he fought for artists, but ended up being disrespectful to them. Yet he saw Justin Bieber cry when he didn’t win Album of the Year, and that hurt. “How can you explain that?” he pleads. Kanye doesn’t understand awards shows, where bestselling artists who seem incapable of comprehending that more than one candidate may be considered for a prize must therefore confront the prospect of losing. Surely this is the most important social message of the year.

“We the Millennials, bro!” Kanye enthuses. They’re going to teach their kids to believe in themselves, even to the point of worshipping themselves as he does. He announces he will run for president in 2020. Hillary is really fed up by now.

Next Miley wears a relatively modest– in that both her bosoms and the fronts of her legs are not visible from space–mirrored outfit to present John Legend. He tells us about artists that got us through tough times, like Paul Robeson and Mahalia Jackson. Now let’s listen to Pharrell, who has taken up that solemn mantle.  Robeson would certainly have underscored his musical plea for freedom and justice by performing with dancers in mini skirts that reveal stars on their asses.

Rita Ora and Emily Icannotspellittosavemylife are next to present the Artist to Watch award. The winner is Fetty Wap. That’s more like an artist to giggle at.

Following them are Miguel and some very tall woman to present a group wearing funny red hats. Why can’t they put chyrons with the names for people who are trying to type while watching? The group members seem very young. The drummer has red makeup around his eyes so he looks like something out of a vampire movie. Anyway, they rap or something that requires accompanying hopping around and angled-mic holding.

Ice Cube will now present Video of the Year. I’m so excited. With Mr. Cube is O’Shea Jackson, Jr. who may or may not be his son because I’m not sure if he’s saying it literally or symbolically. The Moon Man goes to Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar for Bad Blood. Quelle surprise. No wonder Kanye is bitter.

T-Swift tugs up her waistband as she thanks Kendrick Lamar for being amazing, after thanking Ice Cube for Straight Out of Compton because he is amazing. It must be challenging to write so many songs with such a limited vocabulary.

Miley promises a huge finale to close out the show, which better be good because we’re six minutes over as it is. A whole bunch of random people come out , then yabber on in turn about making a good impression on kids. So then Miley performs, defeating the whole point.

She’s wearing more fabric lips, an eye over one breast, and has half a buttock exposed. At this point, I’ve seen her naked parts more often than my own, and I bet I shower more often she does. There are a couple of dozen dancers in freaky cartoon-eye-and-lip-emblazoned skin-tight outfits, and a giant screen showing film of Miley’s open mouth in close-up behind them. It’s worse than the nightmares I had that time I ate Mexican food before falling asleep with the TV on C-SPAN.

The end. And we’re all better people for it.

*Winners List*

VIDEO OF THE YEAR

Beyoncé – “7/11”
Ed Sheeran – “Thinking Out Loud”
Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar – “Bad Blood” –  WINNER
Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars – “Uptown Funk”
Kendrick Lamar – “Alright”

BEST MALE VIDEO

Ed Sheeran – “Thinking Out Loud”
Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars – “Uptown Funk” – WINNER
Kendrick Lamar – “Alright”
The Weeknd – “Earned It”
Nick Jonas – “Chains”

BEST FEMALE VIDEO

Beyoncé – “7/11”
Taylor Swift – “Blank Space” – WINNER
Nicki Minaj – “Anaconda”
Sia – “Elastic Heart”
Ellie Goulding – “Love Me Like You Do”

BEST HIP HOP VIDEO

Fetty Wap – “Trap Queen”
Nicki Minaj – “Anaconda” – WINNER
Kendrick Lamar – “Alright”
Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth – “See You Again”
Big Sean ft. E-40 – “IDFWU”

BEST POP VIDEO

Beyoncé – “7/11”
Ed Sheeran – “Thinking Out Loud”
Taylor Swift – “Blank Space” – WINNER
Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars – “Uptown Funk”
Maroon 5 – “Sugar”

BEST ROCK VIDEO

Hozier – “Take Me To Church”
Fall Out Boy – “Uma Thurman” – WINNER
Florence + the Machine – “Ship To Wreck”
Walk the Moon – “Shut Up and Dance”
Arctic Monkeys – “Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High?”

ARTIST TO WATCH presented by Taco Bell®

Fetty Wap – “Trap Queen” – WINNER
Vance Joy – “Riptide”
George Ezra – “Budapest”
James Bay – “Hold Back The River”
FKA Twigs – “Pendulum”

BEST COLLABORATION

Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar – “Bad Blood” – WINNER
Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars – “Uptown Funk”
Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth – “See You Again”
Ariana Grande & The Weeknd – “Love Me Harder”
Jessie J, Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj – “Bang Bang”

VIDEO WITH A SOCIAL MESSAGE

Jennifer Hudson – “I Still Love You”
Colbie Caillat – “Try”
Big Sean ft. Kanye West and John Legend – “One Man Can Change the World” – WINNER
Rihanna – “American Oxygen”
Wale – “The White Shoes”

SONG OF THE SUMMER

5 Seconds of Summer – “She’s Kinda Hot” – #ShesKindaHotVMA – WINNER
Fifth Harmony – “Worth It” – #WorthItVMA
Major Lazer – “Lean On” – #LeanOnVMA
OMI – “Cheerleader” – #CheerleaderVMA
Taylor Swift – “Bad Blood” – #BadBloodVMA
David Guetta ft. Nicki Minaj – “Hey Mama” – #HeyMamaVMA
Fetty Wap – “My Way” – #MyWayVMA
Jack U ft. Justin Bieber – “Where Are U Now” – #WhereAreUNowVMA
Silento – “Watch Me” – #WatchMeVMA
Demi Lovato – “Cool For the Summer” – #CoolForTheSummerVMA
The Weeknd – “Can’t Feel My Face” – #CantFeelMyFaceVMA
Selena Gomez ft. A$AP Rocky – “Good For You” – #GoodForYouVMA

PROFESSIONAL CATEGORIES

BEST ART DIRECTION

Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar – “Bad Blood” (Charles Infante)
Snoop Dogg – “So Many Pros” (Jason Fijal) – WINNER
Jack White – “Would You Fight For My Love” (Jeff Peterson)
The Chemical Brothers – “Go” (Michel Gondry)
Skrillex & Diplo – “Where Are U Now” with Justin Bieber (Brewer)

BEST CHOREOGRAPHY

Beyoncé – “7/11” (Beyoncé, Chris Grant, Additional choreography: Gabriel Valenciano)
OK Go – “I Won’t Let You Down” (OK Go, air:man and Mori Harano) – WINNER
Chet Faker – “Gold” (Ryan Heffington)
Ed Sheeran – “Don’t” (Nappy Tabs)
Flying Lotus ft. Kendrick Lamar – “Never Catch Me” (Keone and Mari Madrid)

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

Flying Lotus ft. Kendrick Lamar – “Never Catch Me” (Larkin Sieple) – WINNER
Ed Sheeran – “Thinking Out Loud” (Daniel Pearl)
Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar – “Bad Blood” (Christopher Probst)
FKA Twigs – “Two Weeks” (Justin Brown)
Alt-J – “Left Hand Free” (Mike Simpson)

BEST DIRECTION

Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar – “Bad Blood” (Joseph Kahn)
Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars – “Uptown Funk” (Bruno Mars & Cameron Duddy)
Kendrick Lamar – “Alright” (Colin Tilley & The Little Homies) – WINNER
Hozier – “Take Me To Church” (Brendan Canty and Conal Thomson of Feel Good Lost)
Childish Gambino – “Sober” (Hiro Murai)

BEST EDITING

Beyoncé – “7/11” (Beyoncé, Ed Burke, Jonathan Wing) – WINNER
Ed Sheeran – “Don’t” (Jacquelyn London)
Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar – “Bad Blood” (Chancler Haynes at Cosmo Street)
A$AP Rocky – “L$D” (Dexter Navy)
Skrillex & Diplo – “Where Are U Now” with Justin Bieber (Brewer)

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS

Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar – “Bad Blood” (Ingenuity Studios)
FKA Twigs – “Two Weeks” (Gloria FX, Tomash Kuzmytskyi, and Max Chyzhevskyy)
Childish Gambino – “Telegraph Ave.” (Gloria FX)
Skrillex & Diplo – “Where Are U Now” with Justin Bieber (Brewer) – WINNER
Tyler, The Creator – “F****** Young/Death Camp” (Gloria FX)