She’s back! Our intrepid American Idol tour recapper, Sparkles returns with a spot on and HILARIOUS essay on X Factor USA.
As you can tell from the title, our favorite clown isn’t impressed with Simon Cowell’s latest dog and pony show, and she tells us exactly why. A must-read people. Do not miss.
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A couple of my circus friends asked me how I liked the X Factor. I replied it wasn’t nearly as good as American Idol. They seemed to think that this was because I was so used to American Idol, having watched it since Season One. Unless, they said, I could provide them with a detailed explanation. So as we sipped our fruity libations, I launched into a 20 minute diatribe that left them all glassy eyed, speechless, mentally exhausted and having to pee really bad. But that’s what they get for asking Sparkles to back up her opinion. I guess they didn’t realize that nobody puts Sparkles in a corner when it comes to her love for American Idol. Anyway, it all went a little something like this…
THE HOST: Like Brian Dunkelman getting the boot after hosting one season of American Idol, I think that same fate awaits Steve Jones. In fact, I’m so convinced of this that from now on I’ll refer to him as Brian Hunkleman. If Carson Daly on The Voice didn’t increase your appreciation for Ryan Seacrest, then Hunkleman surely will. Seacrest is the master of the live show and in keeping everything running smoothly. He also always seems to be enjoying himself which makes viewers like myself have a good time as well. How that dude from the Survivor wins an Emmy over Seacrest every year is beyond me. That dude narrates a little bit and then tells people what place they’ve finished, all with the luxury of multiple takes and exotic locales. Seacrest, on the other hand, has to do several hours of live TV a week. And he does it with a smile, humor and a great sense of timing. Hunkleman, however, is all grimaces and awkward pleas for an answer from the judges. But damn, he’s good looking. I swear when he’s onscreen the phrase “get off of my TV and get into my bed” is repeated over and over in my rainbow wigged noggin. I’m sure his reply would be “Sparkles, may I do some naughty things to you in no particular order?” And unlike the X Factor judges, he wouldn’t have to plead to me with “hurry, I need your answer.”
THE STAGE: Designed for Generation ADHD, there’s so much going on and the stage is so huge that the singer seems to get lost. There are lights and lasers and video screens. Even the floor of the stage lights up. And I just noticed that the judges table lights up too. Not to mention that every show seems to have at least one performer getting confetti dumped all over them. Until that got too predictable and they busted out the glow sticks. One has to wonder what they’ll do on the finale. Fire someone out of a canon, I hope. Or have a volcano on stage that had lights that looked like oozing lava. That would be so cool. I’ve never been to a concert with that much shizz going on all over the damn place. Which leads me to…
THE BACK UP DANCERS: Not only do we have all of the lights, we also have the back up dancers. Sometimes it looks like there are more people on the stage than in the audience. If one of these singers actually had the X Factor I don’t think they’d need all of this crap going on around them. I’m so glad the only dancing we see on American Idol is from the singers themselves, usually in those cheesy group numbers. That’s good fun, this is just distracting.
THE ENDLESS RECAPS: I cannot stand how they use half of the show to replay what happened the previous show. I just fast forwarded my dvr through all this crap the previous night and now I need to fast forward through it all again. Talk about deja vu (that’s Spanish for the feeling of having previously experienced something that is actually being encountered for the very first time). Just way too much filler.
THE SHOCKING BOOT: By having the judges have the final say between the bottom two instead of the voting public, the shocking boot is pretty much eliminated. Some of the most memorable moments on American Idol have been the shocking eliminations such as Chris Daughtry. Or the shocking non eliminations like Sanjaya, for that matter. But since they can’t have a shocking boot on X-Factor, they have to manufacture one. That’s why Simon had to build up Tiah Tolliver so we’d be “shocked” when he chose to advance Melanie Amaro instead. Of course we were already supposed to be in a state of shock when he eliminated Melanie in the first place only to go to her house and bring her back. People complain about the judges save on American Idol but the X Factor has a judges save every week. While there may be some surprising people in the bottom two from time to time, I don’t expect any surprising eliminations from the judges on the X Factor. And that equals boring in my book.
THE AGE LIMIT: I’ve never been a fan of the young singers on American Idol. And the age limit on the X Factor is even lower. I just find it uncomfortable to watch a kid cry or pout when they are criticized or voted off. And there’s just no way I’m buying a CD from some young punk who should be babysitting my kids or mowing my lawn.
THE FORMAT: I’m not a big fan of the four categories. That means they need four judges when three is probably a better number. I do have to admit that it was pretty hilarious when they went to the judges houses and had to sing in their back yards. All while the judge sat on their lawn furniture. I kept waiting for a squirrel to run by or a bug to fly in someone’s mouth. And imagine the looks on the faces of the kids who ended up in Paula’s backyard only to later see Simon’s kids in Paris posing by the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, the groups totally got screwed. But the worst thing about the format is the control the judges have from choosing their final three to choosing what songs they will sing. Some of the best TV moments on American Idol are when the singers make poor song choices or give a rock song a bizarre reggae arrangement. But now instead of feeling bewilderment at a contestant’s choices, we feel anger about the judge’s choices. And anger is not something you want viewers to feel if you want them to keep watching.
THE JUDGES: I remember when American Idol started and the most famous person on was Paula Abdul. But I quickly became a fan of the unknown (in the USA) Simon and he’s the reason why I decided to check out the X Factor. I was looking forward to the Simon and Paula interactions but it seems that the magic is pretty much gone. There really haven’t been any great TV “moments” between them. As for the other two, LA & Nicole are just okay. There does not seem to be any great chemistry among any of them. And although the show is about the performers, it’s the judges that return every year. So bad or boring judges are not a good thing (as American Idol has already found out).
THE X LOGO: Can I say that the giant X and loud explosion sound they play bugs me or am I just being petty now?
So why am I still watching? It’s not because anyone has this undeniable X Factor. I don’t really have a strong favorite but if I had to choose, I’d say I’m on Team Burrito. I’ll probably stick around for the entire season as long as I can dvr it, with one finger constantly poised over the fast forward button, of course. But I’m not making any promises about Season Two. I will, however, be enjoying the upcoming Season 11 of American Idol. Something tells me I won’t be saying the same thing about the X Factor.
