The Voice – Where the votes count on the day they’re actually cast.
LET’S GO!
8:01 – “Every single one of our artists charted on iTunes.” Let’s pretend Amber charted higher than #1874.
8:02 – Team Blake tackles “Free Ride,” previously the opening theme to Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: The Movie. The nice thing about absurdly loud instrumental tracks such as these is that no one has to sing in tune.
8:09 – TEAM BLAKE RESULTS! (After a brief recap, and congratulating Blake on his multiple CMA’s, and a shift of the lights because LOOK AT OUR BUDGET).
8:12 – America’s first save from Team Blake is Austin Jenckes. Blake nods pensively, as if this were a timely piece of literature being recited by Maya Angelou sitting on a re-finished oak table.
8:13 – America’s second Team Blake save: Cole Vosbury.
8:14 – Blake’s Coach’s choice, dictated by the cat lady hausfraus who’d picket his house if he chose anyone else, is Ray Boudreaux. Sex sells always.
8:20 – Team CeeLo takes on “Give A Little Bit.” They’re all giving a little bit. Some are giving a little bit of hairography. Others a little bit of flirtation. Several are giving only a little bit of singing on pitch. I briefly switch to the X Factor redo show on Fox. Give a little bit of my time back, please.
8:25 – America’s first save from Team CeeLo: Mamie Gummer Caroline Pennell. She coos herself to the side. She is followed by Jonny Gray because penis.
8:28 – CeeLo spends his deliberation time praising his own ability to be a good friend. But to those interested in the singers, he throws an “Oh….I’ll save Kat Robichaud.
8:33 – Team Christina tackles Maroon 5’s “Love Somebody.” Congratulations, whoever made Adam go last. There is a no% chance he makes his save decision on time.
8:34 – I really wanna love somebody…..but it’s impossible when they all sound this terrible.
8:36 – Christina’s look watching her team’s atrocious group performance is not unlike a mother watching a child go through a public trial for murder.
8:37 – THE TORTURE IS OVER. Carson chimes in with “2 coaches enjoyed that one,” which is inaccurate because all four coaches have working eardrums.
8:40 – America’s first Team Christina save is Jacquie Lee. The second is Matthew Schuler.
8:42 – Christina assures the losers from her team that she “will continue to talk to you….through email.” She then saves Josh Logan because penis.
8:47 – Carson Daly rushes through a contractually mandated interview with Parenthood’s Dax Shepherd (aka Mr. Kristen Bell). They’re going to regret including this when Adam has to talk for seventeen minutes before making a decision.
8:50 – Team Adam takes on “Safe And Sound.” It sounds about how a rice cake would taste if all you had to eat for a week before it was notebook paper.
8:55 – Less than three and a half minutes to get Adam’s results, and this includes a recap.
8:58 – America’s Choices for Team Adam: James Wolpert and Tessanne Chin.
8:59 – Adam wants to “talk to these guys” for a little bit. If you’re watching this on DVR, this is where your recording cuts off. (Credits are rolling. Adam chooses Will Champlin.)
Thanks for watching!
