The Bachelorette 9 – Week 6 – Recap & Discussion (UPDATED, POLL)

**UPDATED** Welcome to “The James Show – Trumped-Up Drama Edition”!

Sorry to post this as a recap instead of a liveblog – both my modem and my router got fried in the local heat wave, and it took me till Tuesday evening to get their replacements set up and working. It’s never been so hot on July 1 in the history of my city. So I’m blogging off the ABC.com episode video, thus my blog is much longer than usual – hope you enjoy it anyways!

Des: “Barcelona! Here I am!”

Luv me some Barcelona. I hope they highlight its spellbinding architecture. “Appreciation of food, wine, and love!” – well said, Zak/Zack.

Des re Barcelona: “It’s the perfect place to fall in love!”
**I think they play this VO (voiceover) at the start of every episode, regardless of city. This works because Des doesn’t actually name the city in the VO. I imagine there’s a list of about 40 standard-issue phrases that Des records in VO before night 1 of her journey, which then get used and reused in previews, trailers, ads, and even within multiple episodes.

Previews of The James Show make every guy in the house look bad except James. James may be a bit of a playah-realist, but the rest of the guys seem to have had a few too many wedgies in their childhoods. I say playah cuz James’ opportune mea-culpas each episode are straight out of Con Artist 101 – admit to something shameful to establish humility, mere-mortal-ness, and ultimately, trust.

—–
Chris Harrison Intro
—–
1 group date
2 1-on-1 dates
No cocktail party before the RC

—–
First 1-on-1 date: Drew
—–
Des pulls no punches. She gives Drew the kiss of death in BachSpeak right off the bat in her VOs.

BachSpeak: Our relationship has gone a little bit slower.
IRLSpeak: Doomed. Maybe as high as F2, but no ring-on-it for you.

BackSpeak: It did start as a friendship, and that’s a great foundation to build the relationship on.
IRLSpeak: Friend Zone. Backup plan for the Podium.

BachSpeak: There’s something about him that I just trust.
IRLSpeak: F3 Trusty BFF who gets the “you’re perfect on paper” exit.

“Oh, it’s raining” says Drew. The Bach editors spell this out for us by putting water spots on their film camera lens. This is a little like on the HTDs (home town dates) when they put subtitles for people who are speaking completely fluent but accented English.

Looking upon a drinking fountain that is positioned at dog-level and not human-level, Des says that drinking from this fountain means you’ll come back to Spain. Which I guess is proven true by all the people who drink from it every day and continue to live in Barcelona.

BACH FACT: Every season has an episode where an ancient relic at a destination is played off to signify something for the locals or the visitors. Des’s Barcelona water fountain, Em’s Love Clock, etc. Half the time these things are totally scripted by TPTB, not actual local legends at all.

Drew lays forth his sobstory, which is a requirement for being a contestant this season. He is proud of his dad’s turnaround from alcoholism; but, his dad now has leukemia.

Drew impresses with a google-able term: chitarrista. Unlike typical Bach contestants, Drew is multi-syllabic and uses terms not heard before on Bach. Interestingly enough, chitarrista is Italian for “guitarist”. So the American dude from the formerly Mexican state of Arizona knows that Italian guitarists inhabit Spain. The multiple geographies involved in that one is a bit mind-blowing.

Drew imbibes some liquid courage over dinner, and surely enough, the libido, err I mean the romance, starts to take over. “My thoughts and my emotions are running ccrraazzy.” He plays the (cave)man, grabs Des’ hand (should have grabbed her hair, for full effect), and drags her to the wall of shame, with documentary-style un-steadycam chasing after them.

Drew is clearly a Bach fan through and through. He attempts to repeat Bette Em’s Arie’s trademark wall-kiss-in-a-narrow-alley move. But Drew lacks Arie’s hands-in-hair caressing skills. Just as Bach Sean’s failure-to-copy proves, some things just can’t be taught. [Team Arie-for-Bachelor!]

What’s funny is that apparently Des has watched Bette Em’s season, too, only she’s a much keener student than Drew. She turns the tables on Drew, smashes Drew up against the self-same wall, and schools Drew on how to pull off the Arie hand-in-hair caresses. Methinks Des is not The Submissive IRL. ;)

20 feet from the makeout session is a dark garbage can with a heart drawn in chalk on it – WTH? TPTB must be on a tight budget this season.

Maybe being forced into The Submissive role has pulled Drew out of his romance-induced haze, because he then does something one never does on Bach or IRL – pull out of a kiss only to tattle on another dude. Yes, Drew kills the romance by telling Des that James is NHFTRR (Not Here for the Right Reasons).

Des attempts to cement her bada$$ness by cursing enough to get her entire ITM bleeped out. But in true nothing-learned-from-previous-seasons style, Des wants to give James “the benefit of the doubt”.

The next day, after the date, the guys quiz Drew, not on the date, but on whether he squealed on James. **I simply don’t get these guys – they seem to be all about competition & justice and not at all about romance or Des.

——–
The Group Date – Brooks, Chris, Casey, Michael, James, Juan Pablo
——–
Juan Pablo is concerned he’s That Guy, the one is keeps getting only group dates, then gets let go because their relationship “hasn’t progressed as quickly as the others”. Yes, Juan Pa, you are Group Date Filler, and yes, you are That Guy.

Brooks thinks Des’s Old-Navy-quality workout wear looks like “workout lingerie”. Des, take note: Brooks will be easy to please.

They go to a soccer stadium and JP makes it clear that this is HIS world. “I’ve been playing soccer since I was 4.”

The guys play a soccer match against a professional Spanish women’s team. The guys actually think they can beat professionals simply because they are men. I guess Drew isn’t the only caveman in this crew.

Despite being the goalie, James doesn’t want to chip a toenail, so he lets the ladies win by not even attempting to block the ball. But for some unknown reason, the guys don’t replace him with someone who’ll make a better goalie (Juan Pablo?).

—–
The James Show, Part Uno
—–
Des: “I almost resent the guys for putting this on me.” Rightly said!

BACH FACT: Every season, around mid-season, the contestants play the strategy of outing on of their own as either being “not right for you” (Tierra, Courtney) or “not here for the right reasons” (Wes, Kalon, and many others).

After the soccer game, Des and her harem gather at a lounge.
Brooks: “Cheers to kicking a soccer ball today and kickin’ it with Des tonight.” Clever, ha!

Des takes Chris aside to whisper upon a bed. This lounge has an adjoining bedroom – WTH? Des reads Chris a poem that she purportedly wrote him, but she reads it word-by-word, like she’s reading someone else’s poem for the first time. Perhaps the producers just handed her this poem to read, without giving her time to rehearse. Chris doesn’t notice: “The Chris & Des love scale is rapidly rising.”

In yet another lounge-adjoining bedroom – was this lounge once a whorehouse? – Des relaxes into Brooks arms as Brooks warns us of what’s going on downstairs. Brooks seems to bring out Des’s feminine side, though she still “leads from behind” rather than totally yielding to the moment IMO.

The guys confront James about overhearing a conversation in which he allegedly said, “If I can make Top 4, I’m in a very good position to become the next Bachelor.” Well, that’s true, Captain Obvious – out of the T4, one will be F1, and one almost always is the next lead – so why are the guys roiled up by this observation?

Oh, how I miss the days of crazy Tierra and punster Lesley. [Team Lesley-for-Bette!] There’s absolutely no comedic value with this season’s crop of frat-boy villains and eagle-scout whistle-blowers.

James does a good job of holding the guys off, calling them out for lacking a sense of humor or perspective, but the guys don’t agree. Casey makes up a new word to describe James’ tactics: Counteraccusate. Nice job, Case – Necessity is the Mother of Invention.

The guys seem protective of Des, like a big brother would be of a little sister. They like Des, but I’m not sure anyone of them will love her. There is not a whiff of romance or jealousy or passion in the air.

Des gathers the guys to announce that she will NOT hand out a Group Rose. She’s dismissing the guys back to the hotel, and she’s taking James aside to let “the $h*t hit the fan”, in DesSpeak.

When Des confronts James, he’s all ready with the right comebacks and facial expressions.

ROSEWISE OPINION: See guys, what was the point of BOTH alerting Des AND confronting James? You could have blindsided James like a lamb being led to slaughter by NOT cluing him in on what they’d told her. Instead, they essentially prepped James for Des’ grilling, and James-da-playah knew he’d just been handed a gift by the clueless b:tches, err I mean snitches! Clearly these gents nodded off during their “Strategy 1A – A Beginner’s Guide” freshman course in college.

James puts on his fighting gloves: “I’m not going anywhere. I’m gonna stay and they can watch me walk off into the sunset with her.”

The guys are surprised and dismayed to find James has returned to the hotel instead of the porter guy – you know, the big guy with the ponch, straight out of central casting, who picks up the suitcase of whomever is being sent home. James smirks: “Goodnight, Gentlemen.”

—–
Second 1-on-1 date: Zak, The Engineer Who Drills “Fluids”
—–
Zak is worried that the James-related events of last night will spill over into his date today with Des. But Seattle-Chris consoles him: “Zak, just go have a good time on your date with Des, man!”

Imagine Carrie of SATC typing this up: I will never understand men. What guy says this to another guy who’s going on a date with the woman he wants to marry? Are any of these men into Des at all? To these guys, Is Des Just One of The Boys?

Des & Zak visit an artist studio and sketch a live male model wearing a trenchcoat, scarf, and hat. Des is artistic, but Zak’s not bad either. Then they sketch each other; hilariously, Zak sketches Des with a Bain-de-Soleil-for-the-St-Tropez tan. The next male model poses… nude! Awkward! So Zak lightens the mood by posing for Des himself – in his tightie whities! While he’s flex-posing like a muscle-man, I can’t help but notice the hilarious PG-rated flat circular cup positioned inside the front base of his boxer-briefs, most likely to keep his Size a Secret. But I guess the secret’s out of the bag if his entire pkg can be hidden by a small circular disc. ;)

Zak & Des go to a wine cave to relax on a brown-leather couch with freixenet (sparkling Spanish cave wine) to discuss their hopes and dreams. The words “adventurous” and “curious” get tossed back & forth like a ping pong ball, probably because they have nothing else to say about each other. Then Zak turns on the kissing action big-time, probably because they have nothing else to say to each other.

Zak: “I’m absolutely in love with this woman… At this point in my life you mean everything to me.” Zak is Zen. He lives in the moment.

Des: “He’s adventurous and curious. That’s what I’m looking for in a husband.” Those are great qualities in a Lover, Des, but you might think about having more than just that in a Husband.

Des gives Zak the rose, complimenting him with love in her words but with “what a great colleague” expressions on her face. Des would not make a good poker player.

BACH FACT: When the lead is NOT into you, the lead uses their VOs & ITMs to talk about YOUR qualities. When the lead IS into you, the lead uses VOs/ITMs to talk about how THEY feel when they are with you. Just like IRL, the early stages of love are always about yourself, never about the other person. That’s why they say “Love Is Blind” – because “Ignorance Is Bliss”. You can almost always tell who will make it to F1 (or who the lead wishes had made it to the podium) using this test.

—–
The James Show, Part Dos
—–
Michael tells us that James is “toxic, evil, and quite frankly, sinister”. Laying it on a li’l thick there? Seems comical that James would even rate this badly given the characters Michael must run across as a “federal prosecuting attorney”. Almost makes me wonder if that’s his true & current profession?

Zak debriefs the guys on his date. “It was great going into those cava caves.” Wait a minute – did Zak just say he enjoyed the “cave caves”? Doesn’t “cava” mean “caves” in Spanish? It’s like when the Angelenos speak of “The La Brea Tar Pits”, which translates to “The The Tar Tar Pits”.

Des pulls James outside to basically let him go, and thus to prove to her harem that she trusts them more. As they sit on the cement footsteps beneath a statue, James pulls his trademark fake-full-disclosure and mea-culpa maneuver that he does so well. Des hears only sweetness and is only more confused. Success!

Casey: “James can sell ice to an eskimo.”

As expected, James cajoles his way back into Des’ good graces. And again, the guys are dismayed to see James return. Chris’ jaw drops when James calls anyone becoming the next Bachelor “a win-win situation – someone didn’t find love, that’s ok… Someone in this room will become the next Bachelor, and that’s the truth”.

ROSEWISE OPINION: James talks as if he’s never been in love before, like he doesn’t understand the single-minded desperation of it; he’s entirely too logical about all this, and his responses are digging his own grave with the fellas. Plus I don’t see James with a low-maintenance outdoorsy gal like Des; rather, I see him with more of a citified clotheshorse-and-nightlife Bette Emily type. This coupling seems so forced to me. Maybe James sees Des as Wife Material – the kind of girl he thinks he “should” eventually end up with.

Love how Casey sums it all up: “If you are dating a girl, you wouldn’t go up to her and say ‘Hey I’m looking forward to the girls I’ll be dating when we break up’.” **Good point! Except none of you is actually “dating” Des. None of you is in a relationship with Des. You are just auditioning to be her fiancee and foregoing the relationship-dating part.

James gets fed up with all the circular arguments and leaves.
James, walking out: “I’m done!”
Huzaah to Michael’s sharp-witted response: “I suspect you are!”

Brooks makes the only sane comment one would make in this situation: “I have a lot of questions for Des if she keeps James around.”

—–
The Rose Ceremony
—–
Fashion Moment – Des’ RC ensemble: an elegant stretch LBD with a beautifully scalloped neckline and lacey 3/4-length sleeves. But the hemline is a little low for such a higher-necked mini-dress. As a complete look, the high neck, the low hemline, the black tights and pumps, and the conservative hairstyle together make the ensemble look entirely too funereal.

As the guys march towards Des in their penguin suits, James stands out as the one underdressed bloke in a sportscoat & khakis. WTH? Is he channeling Graham on his F4 exit on Bette Deanna’s season?

Plus, not one guy VO’s or ITM’s about Des – all their thought bubbles are on James.
Drew: “Des will have a mutiny on her hands if she doesn’t make the right decision.”
Chris: “The chemistry of the house has completely changed since confronting James.”

Enter Chris Harrison: “This has *easily* been the most emotional, dramatically, and volatile week so far.”

Already Rose’d: Drew, Zak
both from their 1-on-1 dates

3 roses left to hand out, and 3 will go home.

Getting Rose’d (in order): Chris, Brooks
[Note to Self: Curious… Must double check if Brooks has always been middle-rose’d. Has he ever received the First Rose or the Final Rose at any RC? Is this the “F1 Hidden Edit” at play?]

Final Rose’d: Michael

Going Home: Casey, Juan Pablo, James

Michael: “He was found Guilty. People vs James. Case dismissed.”

James: “I got bullied here, right out the door…I feel like a just became the next Ben, and it’s just uggh!” Ben???

Wait! Rewind Tape!: Hey Des, did you just KEEP permanently-sweaty-faced Michael and LET GO of fine-as-f*ck Juan Pablo? Seriously? You do realize that Michael will be the kind of husband that is *Always Right*, don’t you? SMH AND facepalm – Youth is wasted on the Young.

—–
Next Week on The Bachelorette!
—–
Des and her F5 – (in alpha order) Brooks, Chris, Drew, Michael, Zak – are off to the island of Madeira, off the coast of Portugal.

Trailer: Making out on beaches… declarations of love… but then… tears and heartbreak… Des: “Honestly for me it’s over. I just want to go home.” And we end with ominous music and the tease that Des’ journey might end in heartbreak.

—–
End Credits
—–

Flashback to the soccer group date as Carlos the Coach has the guys dance on the field to warm up for their soccer match.

See you all next time – Monday July 8 @ 8pm on ABC and here online for Week 7 of Desiree’s Journey (TM)!

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M 7/1 – Rosewise had some internet issues tonight. She’ll be filling this space in with a recap later. in the meantime. DISCUSS.

What did you think about the guys throwing James under the bus? Are you glad he went home?
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