To celebrate Memorial Day, 14 of the guys will appear at a Hollywood strip club. It’s for charity, of course. I was unaware there were any philanthropic endeavors to serve needy nymphomaniacs.
For her first one-on-one date, Andi goes out with Eric. A native of Sacramento, he was going to be a dentist and make my grandma so happy, but then he decided seeing the world would be more satisfying. So he became a “sponsored explorer,” which has to really mean he’s a drug courier, or why wouldn’t everyone on earth be doing that for a living? It also appears he has traveled to several continents for the sole purpose of doing back flips.
She also takes out Chris, an adorable soybean and corn farmer from Iowa with very large tractors. There are 12,000 hogs on his spread as well. He’s appearing on the show because there aren’t so many women out there in the sticks, and the hogs are nervous.
Three guys will be denied roses at the end of the two-hour fleshfest tonight. The hogs, and the viewing audience, will just get slop.
The sun rises over Giddy Single Lady Land as Andi marvels at her status as a headlining reality TV star. It’s much better than being just another pair of breasts like when she was on The Bachelor. Now she’s the only pair of them! Meanwhile, all the guys enjoy the amenities at the mansion. There’s an awful lot of fruit in the kitchen, which I hope doesn’t mean the producers have a wry sense of humor.
Chris arrives to explain to the guys how events will transpire this week. His job is vital to the sustenance of the U.S. economy. He brandishes the one-on-one date card, and then the guys can go back to their revelry among the piles of produce.
Eric is pleased to get the first date. He can do a back flip off of Andi. Off the pair drive in her convertible roadster as he describes his exotic adventures around the globe. Man, knowing Eric is dead really harshes my mellow here. His bucket list would only fit in a sardine can. They go to the beach so we can see them in bathing suits, and so the producers don’t have to pay for an extra venue. We watch as they frolic in the surf and build sand castles, questioning our life choices.
Look, here comes a helicopter! They have survived for 21 days and reached the extraction point! Oh, wait, this won’t become Naked and Afraid until Fantasy Suite week.
As the whirlybird lifts off, probably creating a Lawrence of Arabia-level sandstorm for the other beachgoers, Eric excitedly tells us that something even bigger is in store for their date. Something more exciting than making sand angels? Do tell!
They land in the mountains, where there’s snow. Knowing this show, it’s probably artificial snow. A famous snowboarder arrives to teach them his sport. Just what you want to do on a first date, be freezing and fall down a lot while wearing mittens. Eric and Andi reappear wearing attractive ski gear. The wardrobe budget for this series must be through the roof, probably just slightly less than for hair product.
We quickly discover that Andi is a graceless klutz in addition to a shameless famewhore. Eric says he enjoys being close to her as he helps her balance, although he would probably prefer less outerwear in the way. They enjoy some hot cocoa and a ride on a toboggan. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
The date concludes with dinner in a rustic cabin at Big Bear Lake. For a world traveler, Eric is unusually impressed with where’s he been today. Awed by his resume, Andi asks him to name some things he’s not good at. Let’s hope it’s not satisfying a woman. He tells a story of a terrifying moment when he was in a war zone in Syria. How dare this show inject humanity into our consumption of utter drivel? This moving moment inspires Andi to go all Violet Crawley on him, and ask if having a family will stop him from traveling and risking similar dangers. Indeed, he assures her, no more back flips off of camels’ humps and cliff tops once he’s married. He’ll just risk his life by having an elevated cholesterol and acting on his road rage like every other husband. He gets a rose, and they roast marshmallows in the fireplace. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the guys learn who will participate in the large-scale date at the strip club. Meeting the group at the venue, Andi cries out that she is glad to see them all, since she missed them. The whore. Inside, they observe the professional strippers—pardon me, male exotic dancers —demonstrating their craft, and are concerned by the difficulty of the challenge. Tearing off your shirt and wriggling your buttocks are extremely specialized skills. Then they all try it themselves and do just fine. Secretly, every man wants to be a stripper. Pardon me, male exotic dancer.
The first group will appear as sexy firemen, since we ladies just love those. Personally, I prefer a sexy corporate CEO, since I’m attracted to a large portfolio. The guys practice grinding on Andi’s lap. That never happened when she was giving a jury summation. Meanwhile, somewhere in Georgia, Dad Dorfman is reaching for his nitroglycerin pills.
Marcus is nervous as he dons his dress whites to be The Stripping Aviator. He doesn’t go for this whole exhibitionist thing. You know he’s probably a tiger in the sack. Next come sexy cowboys who perform with folding chairs. One of the guys is concerned about standing next to another one in better shape than him. Nice to know men have those insecurities, too, although in this case it would be like Heidi Klum feeling self-conscious next to Giselle Bundchen.
All the women in the audience are overwhelmed with lust, screaming and clamoring for more. Nice to know women can behave like complete morons when confronted with attractive bodies of the opposite sex, too. Andi is proud of the guys for getting nearly naked on stage for charity.
At the gathering later, Andi, who must stock more double-stick tape than the nearest Michael’s, goes off with Brian. She praises his moves at the show. He’s a teacher, although after that display, maybe not much longer. Josh, the former pro baseball player, worries that Andi might stereotype him for being an athlete. She admits she was going to do that, after her recent romantic experience with a self-absorbed lunkhead of a soccer player. On the other hand, Juan Pablo was only a benchwarmer, so maybe they’re worse. It’s appropriate, however, to stereotype Josh for being on this show.
The next date card arrives at the house, inviting Chris the farmer out. Meanwhile, the opera singer sings for Andi, which, if he hasn’t got anything else, is going to get old fast. Next, Craig gets drunk and slobbers all over her, always a winning strategy. Later he is pulled into the pool fully dressed, and there’s a lot of shouting involved. Andi disapproves because the activity is distracting her from all the attractive guys vying for her attention. It turns out that Craig is so drunk, the producers have to take him home. Andi is mystified by these events, asking forlornly, “What happened tonight?” I suggest she study the effects of alcohol on the nervous system.
Marcus is next to meet with Andi. She presents the rose to him afterwards, mostly, it seems, for his entertaining solo stripper act. This is not a reason without merits.
Now it’s time for Chris’s date. He expresses concern that the aftermath of Craig debacle doesn’t affect things. If it does, he’ll know that Andi is a little too sensitive to live the farm life. For their date, they’re going to the horse races. She’s all dressed up, while he’s wearing what he would to clean out the barn. They’ve got formal invitations with coy messaging, but nobody tells them what to wear? How did Eric know to bring a bathing suit to the beach?
Noting Chris’s too-casual hayseed gear, Andi brings him, My Fair Lady-like, to a nearby room where he can glam up. Unfortunately, he chooses a bowtie that only reinforces his resemblance to L’il Abner. They sip mint juleps and gaze at the track through binoculars. A picturesque old couple sitting nearby asks how long they’ve been together, and whether they always travel with camera crews. Chris is certainly good-looking, but awkward and goofy. Maybe he got lost in the corn a few times too many.
Night falls over the racetrack. As the horses sleep standing up, and probably the cameramen, too, Andi tells us she thinks Chris is sweet, although he could really use some powder on that forehead. He relates the story of when he was in college—probably majoring in husking—and got engaged, but it didn’t work out. It wasn’t “in his gut,” Chris explains. He wants to feel love throughout his entire digestive system. Andy frowns. She should tell the story of how she got her JD and became a prosecutor, but it didn’t work out. Or rather, SHE GAVE UP A MEANINGFUL CAREER TO BE ON A STUPID REALITY SHOW FOR ONE SEASON.
Andi attaches the rose boutonnierre to his jacket. She probably had to explain why overalls don’t have lapels. There’s another treat in store, too. Some weird-looking band called This Wild Life is there to sing for them. What show did they win? Chris and Andi lock lips as the group plays in front of the racetrack’s scoreboard. No innuendo intended.
Next gathering, Andi chats first with the other Chris. They discover they both want true love, imagine that. Marquel is next. He’s got on an abstract-print tie with a checked shirt, and also striped socks. Reason enough to put the kibosh on him. Andi makes Josh the ball player nervous, but they make out anyway. She breaks plates on the patio and laughs at sock puppets. Next she goes off with Craig. He hopes to make things right by singing her a song. After the first note, it’s evident that he’s not only toast here, he can’t even increase his Q score by appearing on The Voice.
Time for the Rose Ceremony, which means it’s time to not shave. Andi’s neckline now reaches her pubic area, and her gown is covered with more sequins than an entire age division on Toddlers and Tiaras.
Ron is first to get a rose. We’ve heard nothing from him so far, but he’s really good-looking, so what else matters. Dylan is next, then JJ, followed by Marquel and his Mario Buatta-inspired fashion sense. After him is Andrew–there’s an Andrew? Tasos is next, then Josh, then Cody. Next is one of the Nicks, followed by Patrick and Brian. Then comes Brett and finally, Bradley. He pushes past the grim-faced three left behind like so many dented cans on the clearance shelf at the Shop Rite. Again, the guys says goodbye to each other first. They’ll miss those many precious moments spent sunning themselves in front of the pool, and toasting each other with their morning OJ.
As he departs, Carl discusses going back to the drawing board to find love. First order of business there should be to ditch the giant geek glasses. Nick S. is trying not to break down. Surely there’s a production assistant who can soothe his broken heart. Then, of course, Craig has been ousted. He regrets getting plastered and ruining his chance to remain a few more weeks as an incidental personality on a national TV show. Maybe he can go on Intervention.
Next week is a two-night “event” we can’t miss! Starting Sunday, there will be singing, ball-playing, bare chests, fights, mopping of brows, crying, and some kind of betrayal. “Every day on this show is real to me,” Andi will emotionally beseech someone or ones. Especially the day the ratings are released.
