This week’s episode takes place in Virginia. Famously known as being for lovers, the state is now for people who have a connection and can open up and be vulnerable. Reports are that Jason gets the first one-on-one date, which “ends on a stunning emotional note.” Probably a D flat.
The guys on the group date are challenged to complete an American history quiz that covers the notable period from seasons 1 through 12. Then they take part in a debate called the “Beccalection 2018.” The winner will loom oppressively over his opponents, and yell “WRONG” when accused of not being there for the right reasons.
There’s other news you don’t care about since our democracy sustained more damage in the last week than General Hospital during the Cassadine years. Leo, whom Becca has ignored more often than her bra drawer, gets his first one-on-one date. They’ll probably discuss their favorite hair products while they shuck oysters during a romantic interlude wherein their fingers are covered with slime and the odor of brine wafts through the air.
There will be drama and tears, liquor and fears, sequins and veneers in these two hours that you could have devoted to researching the current SCOTUS candidates so you could identify the best medication to ask your doctor about.
You’ll also want this update on Jordan, the shallow, easily aggravated model with the gold underwear who got sent home last week after a fraught two-on-one date in which he asserted that God favors him and his abs. He joined the cast of Bachelor in Paradise, which is even less surprising than Becca having to shave her legs twice a day during filming. Jordan told his hometown newspaper, the Jordan Journal, that he finds love during that season, which probably means he stalked a GQ editor who was on vacation.
I’m still not sure who is who among the guys, but I’m more concerned about this mole on my neck. Becca is pleased with the remaining inventory, though, and apparently with the manufacturer of her false eyelash supply. They’re in Richmond, which is certainly not like Vegas. Because what happens in Richmond stays boring in Richmond.
Chris Harrison interrogates Becca on her state of mind, which has reached level red (Sincere: Buying Bridal Magazines and Tearing Out Pages to Keep). Jason has high hopes for his relationship with Becca, as does Leo. They can’t both be right, unless they live in Utah. The guys romp through their suite, then prepare for the first date card. Chris is concerned over his difficult experience last week, but Jason gets the date.
The group then discusses whether another two-on-one would be of value to anyone but the network’s ratings. The conversation grows tense and yelly as these final few prospects sense the impending end to big paychecks and free food.
Jason and Becca board a trolley, where they drink champagne and make out, missing all the sites. Their first stop is St. John’s Church where Patrick Henry said, “Give me liberty or give me death,” as do I every Monday night at 8 PM. Next there’s a gothic party “unhappy hour,” with lots of people in black lipstick and multiple piercings. Not sure what the point of this is, other than to give work to people who were refused by Walmart.
Becca is feeling great chemistry with Jason. She has brought some of his friends to meet them for drinks, several of whom we’ll see on season 15. Jason greets them with as much alacrity as if they’d returned from been lost at sea. The men assure Becca that Jason has it all. Becca hopes they mean his sexual prowess. Thrilled with her guy, she jumps into his arms in the parking lot, just like that scene in Tristan and Isolde.
Snow is falling as they head for their evening date. Becca wants to “dig deeper” with Jason, and find out more about him, like his mother’s maiden name and his favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry’s. Jason feels people are shaped by their experiences, along with 20 minutes a day on the treadmill. He tells the story of his grandma suffering from Alzheimer’s, and witnessing the day when his dad discovering she didn’t recognize him. Aw, Jason’s dad.
As a result, Jason learned the importance of expressing your pain, not taking anything for granted, and having an evocative sad story for when you’re on a reality TV show. Becca has noted this admirable quality in Jason. To level up, she relates her experience with her own dying dad. Sad music plays as they connect and are vulnerable before our very eyes, much like those nature documentaries where they install a camera in a fake turtle to film the real ones in their habitat.
Back at the suite, the group date card arrives. They use the same handwriting font every year. Take five minutes to have the bachelorette write her own damn note.
Jason and Becca are pleased with each other. She admires his character, despite him being on the show in the first place, and gives him the rose. They connected on a whole different level tonight by revealing their feelings about lost relatives. The same could have been achieved in a grief support group, however, and without her having to wear a strapless dress.
The group daters are suited up to arrive at Virginia’s capitol building. They are greeted by George Washington and Abe Lincoln, who will teach them some American history. Thomas Jefferson must be on vacation. An irate Chris plans to snub Lincoln–the contestant, not Abe, who is not known to have talked trash about Chris.
The debate begins. Oh, good, their podiums have their names on them. Chris Harrison is moderator, earning twice what he does to speak a somber sentence about the final rose. The first question is from the state’s governor, Ralph Northam. Isn’t there any legislation for him to sign or something? He wants to know what a great date with Becca would be. Colton would take her to a dog park. Hey, big spender. Next question is what was something Blake learned from past relationships. He claims it was to be vulnerable. Apparently, his last relationship was with one of the producers. As Wills babbles on about his feelings, Chris Harrison looks like he’s been injected with a horse tranquilizer.
Then all hell breaks loose as Lincoln takes a swipe at Chris, who attacks in return. Other guys bust in to complain, too. President Abe declares another Civil War. It gets really ugly as Chris launches into a diatribe about the others saying terrible things and being dishonest to Becca. The audience is annoyed, while Becca is bereft at this odious display. Even George Washington is compelled to cut down another cherry tree. The JFK/Nixon debate was much more informative, although these guys were smart enough not to refuse makeup like Nixon did.
Later, Becca is frustrated and disappointed at the guys’ behavior at the idiotic fake debate, but not as much as I was when Reagan kept saying “There you go again” to Jimmy Carter. She tells them at the after-party that she wants to enjoy the evening, but her disgust is evident. She goes off with Lincoln first, while the other guys bicker over Lincoln and Chris’s sparring.
Lincoln tells Becca how he feels about Chris, which isn’t similar to how Matt Damon feels about Ben Affleck. She tells Chris that the other guys feel threatened by him, and that he is verbally abusive to them. He finds it weird to hear that, but Becca insists on learning what goes on behind her backless dress. Chris is defensive and claims it’s all untrue, like all the defendants on Perry Mason. Becca grows ever more annoyed.
Garrett tries to encourage her to let it all out. She asks him to leave her alone for little while, so she can process all this fascinating data before NASA beats her to the grant funding. Meanwhile, Chris accuses Connor of betraying him by telling Becca he hated being his roommate. Lincoln steps into the argument while Wills is just disgusted by it all. The evening is ruined, and not just by the boring hors d’oeuvres.
At the suite, Leo learns he gets the next one-on-one date. Who else was going to get it? Jason already had one, and everyone is fighting in an historic Richmond mansion. They now fear Becca will cancel the Rose Ceremony. She returns anon, and brings Garrett back to sit with her. He reads her his prepared closing statement from the debate, which is more impressive than Rick Perry’s performance.
She then speaks with Colton, who talks about their first one-on-one. I thought guys were terrified of those “what about us?” conversations, but this show has either proven me wrong or proven that the writers are all women.
Becca gives the rose to someone; I missed it, but certainly it wasn’t Chris or Lincoln. Maybe it was Governor Ralph Northam. He seems nice.
Morning arrives, and Becca reflects on how the events at the party are still affecting her. She wants to enjoy her time with Leo, though, so she downs some Xanax. The couple boards a plane to see Virginia from above. Leo wants to know how Becca feels about him and his propensity toward man-buns. But Becca can’t stop thinking about the other guys and their fershtinkeneh mishigoss.
She tells Leo she’s emotionally drained right now. Leo assures her that he doesn’t want her to pretend to have fun, which includes faking orgasms. They agree they want a relationship to be strong, serious, and meaningful. Leo assures he’s there for the right reasons. Now it’s time to collect and shuck oysters, just as Becca has collected men and will now shuck them. They kiss while standing knee-deep in water with waders on. The romance rivals any Danielle Steele novel.
Their night-time date reveals a restored Becca, who is pleased to have felt a spark with Leo. Now she wants to know more about him and his tousled mane. He didn’t bother to shave for the occasion. He explains that a partner should play the role of comforter and support-provider, as his father did. Yet Leo felt that he failed his father. He did not become a professional baseball player, so he also failed MLB. Becca is impressed with his ability to open up and share.
Back at the suite, Chris is plotting as the other guys worry about his volatility and unpredictability. Suspenseful music plays as Chris sits in the dark of his room, then rises and walks resolutely away. Maybe he’s just going to the minibar.
Leo gets the rose. He and Becca kiss, and then she leads him away to a concert by Morgan Evans. They dance while the crowd screams, possibly because Leo seems intent on grabbing a feel.
Chris is still brooding darkly. He fears that Leo’s date might have moved him closer to Becca and thereby pushed Chris away, because love works much like whack-a-mole. When Leo returns triumphant with his rose, Chris stalks out. He walks through the empty Richmond streets, focused on his destination: to tell Becca where he’s at. When he arrives at her suite, she greets him warmly, but keeps giggling. He tells her he wants to talk about how he feels without all the distractions, which he seems to have forgotten that he is the cause of.
Becca doesn’t seem to be buying his argument. But Chris doesn’t think she has a right to her own feelings, and explains what she should be thinking. He insists she will love him. She kiboshes his last chance, saying they can’t get to that point. We are lleft ooking upon the stunned visage of a man who will never date anyone again.
“What do you mean?” Chris asks. He needs a flow chart or a spreadsheet or something. She tries to explain what went wrong, and he complains that he’s been attacked by his rivals for the last week and a half. Sorry, you’re toast, Becca says in so many words. “A’right,” he replies, then sullenly refuses to let her walk him out. What a morose, surly clod. I think he was my clerk at the DMV last month. Becca accompanies him to the door anyway, at the director’s behest, and wishes Chris the best. He needs all the help he can get.
While she is disappointed, Becca realizes Chris just proved that he is not for her. Or for any sentient woman. He’ll probably end up on Bachelor in Paradise anyway.
As the other guys head for the cocktail party, they are worried that the Chris drama will affect her mood. There’s only a few minutes left in the show, so either they’ll all get 30 seconds with her, or no party at all. Indeed, Chris Harrison arrives to tell them Becca knows what she wants to do, so it’s straight to the Rose Ceremony. Everyone is perturbed except Jason, Leo, and the producers.
Becca tells the group about how packing Chris off put things into perspective with her. In other words, two of them are obvious duds, so they need to GTFO stat. The first rose goes to Garrett. I thought he was Connor. Or Colton? Oh, well. Next comes Blake, leaving the last rose to go to Wills. Lincoln and Connor are out. To be fair, Connor’s hair is Eraserhead levels of idiotic.
Next week, they’re off to the Bahamas. They all suffer from jealousy of the other guys. Becca wears more silver lame. Most of the crew gets high in the evenings.