Tonight is the most snippy, bitter, and resentment-filled episode of every season of The Bachelorette—and I thought Scotty on General Hospital held the record. On The Men Tell All, the rejected bachelors gather in the studio to confront each other, and Becca, over their failure to understand how the show works. Chris Harrison luxuriates in it all while taking notes for his next romance novel, tentatively titled The Perfect TV Host Job.
We’ll try desperately to recall anything about Chris R., Christon, Colton, Connor, David, Jason, Jean Blanc, John, Jordan, Leo, Nick, Wills, Christian, Jake, Joe, and Kamil as they reveal their predictable thoughts about their experience with this prolonged exercise in human vacuity, rivaled in inanity only by the breakfast conversations of Gov. and Mrs. Mike Huckabee. I’d call it a freak show, but I don’t want to insult the bearded lady.
This filler represents the off-tasting egg salad between the slices of day-old bread that are the Fantasy Suite and finale episodes. The whole sordid display is only slightly less objectionable than walking your dog in a rainstorm, only because you don’t have to put a plastic bag over your hand to pick up something gushy.
Tonight we’ll review Becca’s journey to find love, which in no way resembles Boswell and Johnson’s tour of the Hebrides, as well as see glimpses of the dramatic finale next week. That’s when she’ll compare Blake and Garrett the same way you would the store brand of oatmeal to the one with the name you’ve never seen before, but which costs 38 cents less. Oatmeal is oatmeal, right? Garrett and Blake are more like Cream of Wheat, though.
There’s also a special surprise guest—hopefully Dr. Ruth—along with a preview of Bachelor in Paradise, because we can’t imagine what might happen this season aside from sand rash and a lot of towels in the dryer. Anyway, why isn’t it called Ex-ABC Reality Show Cast Members in Paradise? Both male and female rejects are on it. The sexism is almost as atrocious as Les Moonves getting to keep his job unless they discover he embezzled money, too.
Chris opens the show to announce that our favorite men of the season (there were popular ones?) are back, and you won’t believe what the writers told them to say. Colton will cry, Jason will express his hurt, the audience will make emoji faces that suggest they’re overcome with emotion, and Jordan will be a monumental doofus. But first, the plug for BIP, where everyone is hooking up with each other in between petty spats, alcohol, and insults. It’s like the House of Representatives, but with young, attractive people. Chris seems excited about all the people who will be crying wretchedly in Mexico.
He introduces the men. Some receive louder cheers depending on how much they’re loved or hated. Jason recalls the first night he arrived, which was overwhelming due to Becca’s stunning appearance and evident lack of underwear. We are subjected to clips of various dates, cocktail parties, and heated conversations that are unlikely to be included in the next edition of 50 Speeches That Made the Modern World. Then come the incidents of drama, rage, and jealousy. Jordan’s Golden Undershorts are featured, as well as his tin-plated ego.
The audience claps appreciatively. Chris H. wants to talk about all the emotion this season, as if last season everyone was catatonic, starting with contestant Chris. From beneath his precipice of a forehead, the man admits he lost control when dealing with his feelings. He is countered by Connor, who wants to know how that happened after a one-on-one date that Chris reported as great. With that penetrating analysis, Connor could replace Charlie Rose. And what about Jean Blanc taking back his claim to Becca that he was falling in love with her? He fumbles with his explanation, citing the heat of the moment, which they wanted 15 minutes for the crew to set up. Jason resents Chris’s abuse of love, a powerful emotion, and also for squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube.
What did Colton not like about Jordan? As he starts to answer, Jordan leaps from his seat to go on the attack. His temper is shorter than a corgi. Leo calls Jordan a “modern-day narcissist,” in that he posts a lot of selfies instead of gazing at his image reflected in a lake. Meanwhile, I’m distracted by an ad for Oreo candy bars. Snacks in Paradise.
Jordan asks Colton why everyone thought he was a clown when he was just having fun. To be fair, that’s what clowns list as a skill on their LinkedIn profiles. David explains he wasn’t scared to share his feelings, which manifested mostly as seething hatred for Jordan, who is told sternly that he should have been there for Becca, not to audition for Survivor. How much you want to bet Jordan has his golden underwear on right now?
Jordan responds by attacking the other guys’ style choices. I have to agree that high-water pants with no socks is says Laura Petrie more than GQ. His last word on the matter is “f**k you,” which is how John Wayne ended a threat to small-town justice by black-clad bandits in the Old West.
Jordan is then invited to talk with Chris on stage. First we review his performance from the first night, including his constant references to being a model, perfect, and liking to have fun, as if everyone else prefers brooding in a dark room on the weekends. These scenes paint a portrait of a seasoned artless clod. Jordan dismisses everyone’s critiques, failing to acknowledge that they are accurate, then compares himself favorably to a Rolls Royce. A rented one.
Chris wants to know why David reacted so strongly to his rival. It’s useless to try to explain anything to Jordan, though, as he insists he can do anything he wants anytime no art director is present. He cites eating Cap’n Crunch with orange juice as an example. Not exactly Thomas Edison-level innovation. Worse, he is wearing the golden underwear, which he is happy to show us. I wonder how you launder those. Is there a detergent that keeps them golder than gold?
Grocery Joe made quite an impact on fans, and he doesn’t even run a Wegman’s. Despite only lasting one episode, Bachelor Nation adores him. “Nuttin’ I could do about it, I dunno,” he mourned passionately at his exit post-Rose Ceremony. Nevertheless, the silver-tongued supermarket scion compelled many women to dream of filling a cart in his aisle. As a result, he will again abandon the produce section and the double-bagging to join Bachelor in Paradise.
Wills joins Chris next, wearing red boots and a loud windowpane-check jacket in Christmas hues. He was smitten with Becca on sight, he relates, and she liked that he was a goofy nerd like her. I don’t think goofy nerds are ripped. He recalls that Becca made him believe in love again. He wasn’t completely convinced after seeing Wuthering Heights. Then Becca dumped him in favor of Jason.
Chris can see the emotion in Wills’ eyes after he watches the footage that ended with him stopping the car and inexplicably staring at an ivy-covered lattice on a side street. Wills describes his pain at hearing Becca assure him that he’d find someone else. The audience looks sad, but it may be they just learned their swag bags won’t include mini-cupcakes.
By the way, I’m looking forward to the bloopers, which can’t possibly be more awkward than the scenes that were broadcast.
Colton is next to be evaluated like a bug on a pin. An ex-athlete who was also a virgin and once dated Tia, he is declared by Chris to be a “complicated figure” this season. That’s what it takes to be complicated on this show. Not exactly A Beautiful Mind material. Apparently, Blake and Garrett reminded Becca of Gumby and Pokey. But Colton had fallen in love with her by then. Tia was but a hazy memory wearing fake eyelashes. He didn’t even know she had those feelings for him since it wasn’t on TV.
As to his being a virgin, Colton understands that Becca needed that moment alone after learning this information about him. He shares how ashamed he was about his status, and how he has been demeaned and mocked for it. This charms every women on Planet Earth, so he’s certain to get plenty of nookie ASAP. Chris thanks Colton for baring his soul before Bachelor Nation and all his old high school teachers. Next show in the franchise: He loses his virginity in Colton in Paradise.
Next is Jason. He’s from Buffalo, if you recall. Chris points out that his chemistry with Becca was undeniable. “Man, Jason can kiss,” she declared numerous times, quoting Keats. Jason took that and ran with it, until Becca had a dark, apparently random moment when she couldn’t imagine a future with Jason. Why give up so easily? Digital aging technology is readily available.
The audience coos gently when the footage of Jason mourning the loss of his true love ends. He still has trouble comprehending why the producers tossed him out. Chris wants to know why he didn’t get a shot at the Fantasy Suite. Jason has no idea, since he’s such a good kisser.
It’s lovely that they address Jason’s gay brother and his husband, whom we met during the hometown visit, and how much Jason loves his brother and admires his strong relationship. Maybe the brother is a good kisser, too. Now if only Jeff Sessions watched this show.
Now Becca arrives on stage. She says she’s nervous, and Jason blows her a sweet kiss. Damn, she should have chosen him. He asks her how he could bridge the gap that sent him home. Her answer is that it was her heart that needed infrastructure improvements. He gets a hug and hopefully closure.
Colton notes that Becca is glowing with happiness, which may just be the wine she tossed back in the green room. She is still friends with Tia, who got a lot of backlash for reading her lines correctly. As for the virgin business, she would never judge anyone for that. Priests everywhere sigh in relief.
After hearing from Wills, Becca talks with Jean Blanc, who will be forever known as the guy who said he was falling in love with her, then took it back. He gives her a bottle of perfume he developed. He stops just short of advancing his brand by adding, “A hint of Becca. Available at fine stores everywhere.”
Back to Jordan. Becca says she loved him; he’s unique and kept her laughing. He tells her her energy is inspiring. He feels he lost out by not showing himself sooner, possibly naked. Becca is then asked about Joe, America’s Sweetheart Grocer. She has not forgotten about him. In fact, he still sends her coupons.
Finally, Chris R. apologizes for everything, noting what a jerk he was. A choir comes out to sing about how sorry he is about it. This act won’t get far on AGT.
Bloopers are fun, but the really big mistake will be next week. See you for the grueling three hour finale!
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