Did you ever wonder what it’s like to plan a group date for The Bachelorette? Or were you more concerned about things like whether we’ll have a fascist president in 2017, or why Chris Harrison can get a book contract while the author of A Confederacy of Dunces had to be dead first? While these are all questions for the ages, you can find the answer only to the first one in Glamour magazine’s Celebs section.
In other thought-provoking news, tensions among the men reach a peak tonight when Chad, normally as mild as Underdog’s Shoeshine Boy identity, attacks Jordan over a snippy comment. Chad’s riposte is breathtaking: “You’re a 27-year old-failed football player. You’ve done nothing with your life other than throw a piece of leather.” Zing! On the other hand, what has Chad done besides hog camera time on an overexposed reality show.
Adding insult to injury for the audience, the contentious group date requires the guys to perform stand-up comedy routines about their sex lives. That should be even funnier than any of the first 10 seasons of Saturday Night Live, and also as mortifying as the time Sinead O’Connor tore up a photo of the Pope.
All of this on just the first of two Special Event nights of JoJo and Bozos. Hang onto your hat, and to your bourbon bottle. Jealousy, ego, and threats abound tonight. “Who will survive?” asks Chris, hoping the franchise’s first on-screen death will shoot ratings through the roof.
The guys wake up to express their continued disgust with Chad. Chad, Chad, Chad, they repeat, like a bunch of Jan Bradys with sculpted facial hair. As if delivering a TED talk on how to be a cheap famewhore, Chris stands before the men to talk about this week’s complex dating configurations. There will be three outings, one group and two one-on-ones. The single daters must get a rose to stay in the the game. Wow, they really like to keep us guessing with these change-ups.
The first one-on-one date card is read. It goes to Chase. Chad expresses shock that he hasn’t already had the opportunity to make JoJo pregnant. Meanwhile, JoJo is more optimistic than ever this week. She didn’t expect to have feelings by now for anyone but the guy who manages the payroll.
The couple enters some kind of new-age, body-conscious yoga outfit. A lady in patterned leggings–clearly not someone to be trusted–instructs them to lie down, move their pelvises, and say “hey, hey” before screaming. It’s all as subtle as Chad’s Snidely Whiplash impression. JoJo is afraid Chase will be scared off by her “angergasm.” She is also humiliated by how intimate and physically close the next exercise is, even though she very much enjoys Chase’s ripped bod, giant flank tattoo, and impressive breath control. As they gaze into the third eyes on each other’s foreheads, they suddenly start making out, so I guess she’s not that uncomfortable. In fact, now she wants to gaze into his one-eyed body part.
As night falls on some twee vineyard, Chase and JoJo discuss the fun they had on their date. “You totally, like, went with it,” she praises him coherently. It was very courageous of him to strip to the waist and have a half-dressed woman wrap her legs around him. Then he tells His Story: because his parents got divorced, he feels that marriage should be forever, and it’s important to find the right person for that. He should give a TED talk with these revelatory concepts. Of course he gets the rose, after which they are serenaded by someone semi-famous and probably embarrassed as hell.
The group date card arrives at the house. Why can I never recognize Nick, or is it Brad or Austin or Colby? After the names are read, Chad utters Confrontational Statement #37 in the series. The guys rise as one to snarl disparagingly at him. It must be what a Trump rally looks like when the Sanders protestors’ bus arrives.
Then comes the now-fabled moment when Chad accuses Jordan of being unable to throw a ball that is not leather. The others groan. Alex sneers. Everyone continues to drink. Chad suggests Alex step outside with him, but everyone remains seated as a Reddi-Whip commercial appears on screen.
As the group date with “ten guys and one douchebag” begins, Alex explains that Chad is not here for the right reasons, a concept so staggeringly original that Joe Biden never used it in a speech. Chad resents being there, too. He believes he deserves to be with JoJo alone, possibly in a basement and chained to the wall.
They all arrive with JoJo at a theater where some peculiar-haired woman appears on the stage and proceeds to act out having an orgasm. “I’ve never heard anything like that,” muses one bachelor, who obviously didn’t sleep with anyone to get the role.
The guys are now required to tell “embarrassing, crazy” sex stories on stage. They make notes in preparation, which is surprising because I would peg several of them as being illiterate. Daniel doesn’t want to talk about “weird stuff and bodily fluids,” so we can infer that he prefers the missionary position in the dark and under a blanket. Chad bridles at the idea of JoJo hearing this deeply private information. “That’s not her business,” he rants. It’s between him and his Real Live Doll.
The other guys all seem to have been 16 when they last had entertaining sex. They offer tasteless details in their descriptions of various encounters with hapless women who are probably at this very moment writing JoJo cautionary letters. Meanwhile, JoJo claims she thought these guys were “kind and genuine Mama’s boys.” Only now does she realize that people who answer Craigslist ads to be part of a televised meat market might have a kinky side.
Evan, the erectile dysfunction-fixing guy, decides during his turn on stage to discuss the dangers of using steroids, which can shrink important organs. The overly muscled Chad’s resentment is evident as he glowers from the audience like Bill Bixby after the make-up person inserted the yellow contact lenses. When his turn arrives, he refuses to participate fully. Everyone is thrilled that JoJo shows her disapproval by turning away from his kiss in front of the others. His masculinity questioned, not to mention his choice of shirt, Chad stalks out and punches a metal door. His knuckles are bleeding, as are my eyes during most of this show. The other guys fear that he is a danger to himself and their Q scores.
That evening, JoJo enthuses about the guys’ rollicking performances. But Vinny explains that they’re all drained by the intense encounter between Evan and Chad. What a bunch of pansies.
Jordan tells JoJo about his insecurities during his past relationship. JoJo understands about having a hard time opening up. Jordan is scared by his feelings, but also knows they’re a great thing. Love is an important word for him, he explains, as are “I,” “me,” and “low-carb.” Now JoJo is able to better understand him and how his past affected him. There are “Cathy” comics with more compelling dialogue.
Time for Chad to seethe malevolently nearby while JoJo chats with. . .Nick? Vinny? James S.? Whoever. They skulk away to escape the deadly radiation emanating from his pores. The other guys then question Chad’s retaliatory attitude. “I don’t want to come off as a complete jerk or something,” he insists in a completely jerky way. Then he warns Evan to stay away from him, claiming there comes a point when all you can do is get physical, but apparently not in the way Olivia Newton-John was singing about.
Back at the house, Luke covets the next date card, but it goes to James T. He is happy and honored. Luke is distraught. Rewind and repeat.
Chad complains that the guys represent a parade of losers, similar to how he views his real estate clients, family members, and the entire cast of Hamilton. He lurks around as JoJo and Christian talk, until he can swoop in for his opportunity. She asks about the Evan situation. Chad describes Evan as “the little kid trying to beat up the bully.” JoJo reasonably suggests he not be the bully. Another memorable TED talk in the making.
Evan interrupts now. He talks of being a part of the process, and how he fears losing the potential to love JoJo. Nevertheless, he will leave the show if Chad remains. Dramatic music plays as JoJo agonizes over this Hobson’s Choice for famewhores. It’s hard to decide because there are things she likes about both of the men, much as you compare shoes when shopping and have trouble choosing between the cute strappy sandals and the hobnailed boots.
JoJo rejoins the guys to present the rose, but before that, she explains she needs to talk to somebody. It’s Evan! I thought she’d take Jordan aside to accuse him of piling his hair too high. The rest of the guys conjecture about how this will all play out.
She tells Evan she likes him, that he has a kind heart and is a great father. OMG, he’s so much a goner. Evan looks nervous as she tells him she can’t make a decision, and then she does give him the rose. Go figure. So is Chad staying or going? Apparently not. “Love is worth getting shoved in the face for,” Evan rhapsodizes, echoing the words of Byron and Keats.
Chad is stricken when the pair returns together, the rose mocking him from Evan’s hipster jacket lapel. He reacts angrily, to the surprise of no one sentient, but JoJo does not like that he is being disrespectful. The whole scene is awkward, or least awkwardly scripted. “No one ever chooses Evan for anything,” Chad rages, overlooking the fact that many men suffering from erectile dysfunction apparently choose him over ExtenZe.
Now Wells feels vulnerable sharing a room with Chad. He might snap while Wells is asleep, exacerbating the existing disagreement over who will shower first every morning. Luke agrees that Chad is a danger to the other over-built young men living in a house full of crew members and cameras.
For their date, James T. and JoJo are dressed in retro garb, if people in the 40’s wore necklines that exposed side boob. They arrive at a dance studio where an elderly lady will teach them swing-dancing. JoJo is inspired since she wants to grow old with her partner as this woman did, the only difference being that she didn’t meet her husband through a casting director.
Back at the house, a chubby security guard, who looks like JoJo could take him down with one swat, patrols the grounds. Chad sneers at the wussiness of the other guys needing this protection from him. I bet he admires Kim Jong-un’s manliness.
JoJo and James enjoyed their dance lesson. JoJo loves his energy and enthusiasm, which are also good qualities in the sack. They go outside to find a bunch of other dancers in the street, and join them in swinging to a band. It’s just like a scene from a old movie, James claims, except the only people with five o’clock shadow in those films were the bad guys.
Stuffing his piehole again, Chad discusses with Daniel about how the other guys feel about him. Daniel suggests that if Chad were Hitler, it would make Daniel look bad to hang around with him. It certainly didn’t do much for Goebbels’ reputation. Daniel suggests taking it down a notch to something more like Mussolini or George W. Bush. Personally, I’d take it a little lower, perhaps to a Koch Brother.
JoJo and James are together that night. JoJo wonders if there is a real connection there, though. She tells him about the kind of guy she wants, which is basically a description of Cary Grant if he were merged with Schweitzer and Einstein. James explains how he was made fun of as a kid because of his big ears and long neck. The experience made him feel insecure about girls he likes even today. JoJo reassures him that he’s the whole package, especially since she knows what big ears mean beside enhanced hearing. If he got a decent haircut, it would help, too. James gets the rose. He brings out his guitar–not a euphemism–and sings to her. He’ll either be on The Voice next season, or serenading the next Bachelor and his one-on-one date.
As Chad grunts through yet another work-out with giant weights, the guys muse about warning JoJo yet again about the big galoot. Then Chris comes by to tell them that there will not be a cocktail party tonight, per JoJo’s request. The men are concerned. They depend on that time to drink excessively and bitch at each other. But no worries: instead, JoJo will share time with them at an all-day pool party. They all approve heartily save Chad, who does not want the others to see JoJo in a bikini. He doesn’t need to himself because he’s already undressed her with his eyes, and applied electrodes with his imagination.
But what’s this? Evan has left to catch up with Chris as he exits the house. He describes the violence visited upon him by Chad, intercut with images of the troglodyte flexing his massive biceps. Evan feels relieved that he informed Chris, who was in his dressing room when those scenes were shot.
Chris returns to the house to talk privately with Chad about this disturbing turn of events. He smiles as he tells Chad of the accusations against him. Chad bridles, explaining that all he’s done is stand up for himself, much as Henry VIII did with his annoying wives. Chris points out that Chad never considers himself the instigator in ay of the unpleasant encounters.
“Something has to be done,” Chris suggests. However, that is not simply eliminating the hair-trigger homonculus from the competition in order to prevent an inevitable incident likely to be made into a Lifetime movie. Instead, Chad is asked to return to the house to “work it out” with the guys, which he apparently feels should be a recreation of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
It all happens tomorrow night on The Bachelorette, and possibly later in an Anne Rule book.
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