The Bachelorette – Season 11 – The Finale! – Live Blog

Tonight’s excruciating three-hour episode is being touted as one of the most talked-about finales in The Bachelorette’s 11-season history, or at least the one with the most uses of the word “slut” on network TV. Nick and Shawn will each meet Kaitlyn’s family, and then we’ll find out if she accepts a proposal from one of them. Also if her family thinks she’s a slut, too.

Then, during the “After the Final Rose” special that follows our regular visit to the torture chamber, we’ll find out what everyone thinks about it all. It’s live, if deadening to the soul. How inappropriate will Nick be on this, his second time falling off the horse at the rodeo? How dull and inane will Shawn continue to be? What probing questions will Chris put forward? Is Ben H. finally going to be confirmed as the next Bachelor? Will there be more than half a dozen promos for Bachelors in Paradise? It’ll all fill the space in between commercials, and likely be less substantive in content.

But first, The Finale. It’s the dramatic ending you won’t believe.  We open in the studio with all those excited people and Chris. We’re all going to watch the shocking events together. He tells us with relish that Nick and Shawn really do hate each other. Will all the controversy end in heartbreak or true love? Let’s see!

We open to Nick is packing in Utah. His family loved Kaitlyn, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Shawn feels the same way, except swap out him for Nick. All that remains to be resolved is getting rid of that pesky other guy, and figuring out how to subsist on the salaries of a personal trainer and a dance instructor.

In Malibu, the Bristowe family arrives. Her sister is the only one who didn’t inherit the really high metabolism. Kaitlyn tells them about Nick butting in mid-season, and how he and Shawn hate each other. They all seem unusually astonished by this information. Maybe things really are that boring in Canada.

Kaitlyn discusses Nick with her mom. As an avid viewer of the show, Mom is scandalized that Nick is there in the first place. Kaitlyn then reveals the “mistake” sex with him. Mom seems dubious that there’s anything between them beyond jumping bones. The rest of us are dubious even about that.

Nick arrives. He is taken aback that Kaitlyn blabbed to her family about their shtupping each other. He must be worried about Dad. Sis does not picture Kaitlyn with a guy like Nick. No one else can picture themselves with him either, including Andi. Kaitlyn respects Mom’s opinion, so if she puts the kibosh on Nick, too, it’s all over.

Mom takes Nick aside. She was not impressed with him during Andi’s season, she tells him. He’s nervous, since he’s aware he has his critics. He must have read this blog. Mom says he was possessive,  jealous, and arrogant, and those were his good qualities. He insists he’s there for Kaitlyn, and Mom counters, “Fine, but why would she want you?” Don’t mess with Mom. Nick knows there is a huge emotional attraction between them, and he intends to propose to her. He starts crying. He doesn’t want to be rejected on national TV again. Mom fans herself. She feels she misjudged him.

Now it’s Dad’s turn. Nick proclaims his love for Kaitlyn. Dad gives his blessing. He seems a little slow.

Kaitlyn and Nick walk out together and make out. “It’s really cool that other people see our connection,” he says. He remains concerned, though, that her connection with Shawn is also strong. Suddenly he can understand how polygamists manage to make it work.

Kaitlyn asks her family how they feel about Nick. She repeats the story about telling Shawn about her having sex with Nick. Her dad and stepfather nod sagely. This is delightful.

Shawn arrives next, bearing flowers. He’s also nervous. Everyone hugs in greeting, and Shawn hands out gifts. He is very nearly charming as he describes seeing Kaitlyn on The Bachelor and falling for her. Mom says, “Wow. There’s a man.” I guess Dad fell down on the job.

Disturbingly, Mom wants to discuss the sex-with-Nick crisis with Shawn. She’s got sex on the brain. He hates Nick so much–how will he handle his jealousy? Shawn sucks back a beer as he explains it was hard to accept only because his and Kaitlyn’s connection is so strong. He feels, though, that they will have no trust issues once they are together, and there are no longer any script writers. Mom is satisfied that he handled this interrogation well.

Sister tells Kaitlyn that she is Team Shawn. She feels Kaitlyn is connected to Shawn in the right way, whereas with Nick it’s mostly physical. Kaitlyn is impressed, especially since she’s all over Shawn’s abs.

Next, Dad, who looks like an emaciated Arte Johnson, nods agreeably as Shawn describes being ready to move forward in life. He invites Mom over to ask their blessing if Kaitlyn accepts his proposal. Mom is on board, and Dad agrees, too. Let’s hope the marriage works out better than this pair’s did.

He and Kaitlyn part company emotionally. Shawn just wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Kaitlyn grins.

Back in the studio, the audience is excited to watch the guys’ last dates with Kaitlyn. She is juggling a lot of emotions at this point. She cares a lot about both guys, but where is her heart, she muses. I’ve often asked that about her brain.

Her first date is with Nick. They go out on a boat, discussing how her family liked him and he them. Kaitlyn feels all those good feelings. He thinks their relationship has grown a lot. The connection is undeniable, but she feels it would be easier if Shawn wasn’t here. Alas, the show makes it so difficult. Maybe Shawn will die in a paragliding accident.

That night, Nick remarks that he feels even better than he did with Andi at this point. Maybe his problem is using relationships on reality shows as his emotional compass. She reminisces about meeting him in New York, and they blather about how great it’s all been. He has a gift for her: a photo of them with his feelings about her written alongside by a script assistant. Why do people want to share this  intimate stuff with a national audience? Especially when he’s written things like that she has magic in her eyes. Kaitlyn is entranced, though. They both marvel at his romantic gesture. At this moment, Kaitlyn feels Nick is the one. They fall back upon the bed and probably have sex by mistake again.

Back in the studio, Chris insists that we can’t deny they have chemistry. But remember, a lot of chemistry results in toxic substances.

Kaitlyn tells us she woke up at 2 AM, wracked with anxiety. Did she find a hole in the condom?  She knows she’s in love with Nick, but she loves the way Shawn makes her feel. What to do, what to do. She meets Shawn for their date on a mountainside. As they snuggle, Kaitlyn hems and haws. Neither will address the elephant named Nick in the room. Nothing has changed for him, he explains, but she seems different to him. What happened? “It’s just a huge deal,” she assures him helpfully. But now he is no longer so certain about proposing.

Shawn is nervous about the nighttime get-together. He’s questioning what Kaitlyn is thinking and feeling. He tells her he hopes today’s awkwardness was due to nerves, and not the camera crew breathing down their necks. They make out to break the tension. She tells him the imminent moment of engagement is now here, and it’s weird. He thinks it could be pretty amazing. Will he be able to watch the show back, she asks earnestly. Always a question you put to a potential spouse.

“I can’t believe you were making out with Joe,” he laughs, pointing out that parts will be hard to watch but others not so much. I would avoid the sumo wrestling segment, and any parts with Chris Harrison talking. He tells her he would be proud to call her his girl, his wife, his thang. He has a gift, too, to represent the best two months of his life. It’s a memory jar full of pictures, notes, golf balls and other bits of ephemera collected by an intern who is now questioning his life goals.  Shawn fully intends to propose tomorrow.

Kaitlyn is feeling relieved after this much improved evening with Shawn. But also, she’s in love with two guys, and two guys are in love with her. How can this not end in tears for someone? It kills her, and also threatens to smear her mascara.

The studio audience is hushed. Chris shakes his head solemnly. Who would have thought that two men who hate each other so much would end up as the final two vying for the hand of a woman who loves them both? Except maybe a Harlequin romance author.

The next morning, Shawn consults the thesaurus for a list of all the feelings he has that are similar to “nervous.” He is confident about tonight, though. He will make Kaitlyn his wife. He is jotting notes about it when Neil Lane shows up to present ring choices. Each one is tackier than the last, yet costs more than my mortgage refinanced at an unholy 8.3 percent.

Nick also woke up realizing that there is a chance he will be engaged by the end of the day. Or at least have signed another contract to appear on next season’s Bachelorette. Neil Lane arrives, thrilled to be flogging two overpriced chatchkes today.

Shawn gets dressed, reveling in how great it is that he finally let his guard down and welcomed love into his heart. Nick also gets dressed, wondering if Kaitlyn is as in love with him as he is with her, or as he is with himself. The men ride over in separate limos, agonizing over which one will find a bride tonight, and whether Jimmy Kimmel will have cool other guests on the night they appear.

Kaitlyn shows up in a nude-colored gown with sequins and sheer panels. She must have bought in bulk from the Sheer Panels and Sequins Shop. The rose glows menacingly beside her. Her existential angst is apparent. Never before have her rubbery lips trembled so much.

In the studio, Chris asks how it’s all going to end.

Kaitlyn thinks she’ll be happy tonight, but it’s so painful to say goodbye to someone she loves and cares about. She really got close to the assistant director.

Nick emerges from the limo and greets Chris, then enters the pool area where Kaitlyn awaits. They are both quivering uncomfortably. He reviews how quickly what they had grew. What he felt about her is a feeling he always wanted to feel about someone. He has confidence in her and them and–she steps forward, takes his hand, and stops him, but not for the reason we want him to shut up already.

“Oh, my God,” she breathes. “I’m sorry.”

The only explanation she has is that her heart is with someone else. Gee, who? There isn’t anything she could say that would make him less confused, he responds, or less likely to climb into a tower with a gun. He is bitter, insisting she does not love him. But everything was real to her, she asserts, including the sex. He doesn’t want to hear it, pal.

“You took things from me,” he says bluntly. “What we had was greater than a moment.” That was kind of poetic. He probably stole it off Twitter. He is resentful, immune to her tears, her pleas that what she feels for him is genuine. “You don’t love me,” he insists.

“I’m not trying to sugarcoat anything, ” she tries one more time as they pause before the limo and plunky string music plays. He climbs inside and slams the door. Fingering the Neil Lane rock, he imagines what he can get for it at on eBay.

Driving away, he doesn’t know what to think. Surely by now, he has a following of lusty young things who want him. “It’s like a joke,” he sneers.

The studio audience murmurs sadly. “It’s absolute stunned silence here,” Chris tells us somberly, which is what the applause sign says also. They are clapping when we come back from commercial, though. Will Shawn propose, Chris asks. If not, he must be bi-polar.

Back standing by the rose, Kaitlyn is filled with grief at the previous emotional scene. But tearing apart a man’s heart and crushing his soul will be worth it when she sees Shawn. Here he is now.

He approaches Kaitlyn, breathing heavily. They kiss, so you know when she only hugged Nick, it was all over for him. “From the moment I saw you that first night, I knew my life was never going to be the same,” he begins. For example, his Q score has increased astronomically. He blabbers a few more Hallmark comments, and she responds in kind. “I’ve made some mistakes,” she says, and he replies, “Hmph.”

She continues, “The truth is …” DRAMATIC PAUSE. Everyone in America screams “Reality Steve was right!”  But then she goes on, “I am completely yours and will always be faithful to you.” He gets down on one knee as she squeals and covers her mouth, as if she had no idea this might happen. Triumphant music swells as they embrace. She offers him the rose. They skip off to the limo as Chris’s voiceover tells us to stay tuned for “After the Final Rose.” Wait, I have to catch my breath.

Out come Shawn and Kaitlyn to the studio, then immediately slobber all over each other. Chris asks Shawn what it felt like when she said he was the one, and actually meant it. All that they went through just made them stronger, he asserts. But it wasn’t just since he got the First Impression Rose that he knew she was the one.  In fact, when she got ousted by Chris Soules on The Bachelor, he took a screencap, drew a heart around her face, and sent it out with the message, “Don’t worry, Kaitlyn, I’m coming for you.” Aw, what a romantic stalker.

When we come back, the couple is gone, and it’s time to dissect Nick’s anguished rejection in public. “You didn’t see it coming?” Chris begins heartily. Nick felt he had a choice to keep his guard up and remain cynical, or trust and be confident in a relationship. Well, that backfired.

What was their relationship before the show? They got to know each other really well without actually meeting, Nick reports, like people on the Yahoo news forums. It was a friendship that the producers exploited for ratings, a common occurrence. The biggest frustration for him was that the sex wasn’t some cheap one night stand like he usually prefers. It was the result of an emotional connection. Those damn Tweeters don’t understand people who have sex on TV.

“Why does Shawn hate you so much?” Chris wants to know next. Ask any of us. “It’s a tough situation,” Nick muses. “We weren’t always our best selves.” Often, they were directed to be their worst selves. As we go to commercial, Nick’s mom rises to embrace him. How many times must she watch her son be humiliated on national TV?

Now it’s time to bring out Shawn. Chris asks what rubbed Shawn the wrong way about Nick, besides his brown shoes with a blue suit. He says he’s not a fake person, and can’t be nice to a person he doesn’t like. “I had a bad feeling,” he explains vaguely. Nick mentioned that Shawn didn’t like Nick’s reputation from the previous season. He hopes people don’t judge him solely from what they see of him on TV. Heaven forfend. You do notice, in this side by side contrast, that Nick is  more articulate than Shawn, but that’s kind of like saying Fred Flintstone is sexier than Barney Rubble.

Jealousy? “Never!” counters Shawn, then proceeding to describe feelings of jealousy he experienced as he watched Kaitlyn with the other men. Was it tough for Nick to come in late to the situation? “I didn’t want to put Kaitlyn in a difficult position,” he claims, but figured that since guys don’t give details about their dates, it would be okay. Shawn accuses him of giving plenty of details, and lurid ones. To be fair, Shawn would have, too, but he didn’t know what some of the words were to describe it.

Chris asks if they want to hug it out. Rather than exactly that, Nick concedes that they were both immature. Shawn feels bad they wasted time being at loggerheads instead of concentrating on Kaitlyn. With that, detente has been achieved. Send Chris to the Middle East now.

Now Kaitlyn comes out to join them for the kind of awkward moment audiences love. Nick’s tie bar is too high. “The toughest part for me is the time we said ‘I love you’ to each other,” he tells her. “What were you thinking when you said that?” Maybe she loved his technique.

She defends herself by saying she felt that she was in love even with Ben sometimes–even Ben, for God’s sake!–but the love she felt for Shawn was strongest. Or the lust. Chris brings up their previous relationship. That had something to do with it, she agrees. She trusted Nick and felt things were easy and natural as a result. But once she saw Shawn naked, all bets were off.

“Do you think it was more important to you than Kaitlyn?” presses Chris about their previous relationship. Nick evades the question since he’s already been ground into the dirt once tonight.

Chris wants to know about Kaitlyn’s final agony of decision-making about Nick vs. Shawn. “How do you hurt somebody? In the morning or…” she asks rhetorically. They replay the scene we just saw, where Nick chastises her for insisting her feelings were real while they were together.

Nick did not like that she let him give a heartfelt speech before she interrupted him to tell him he wasn’t the one. He would have wanted to be able to give that speech to some other bachelorette in her season, and now it’s already been heard. Someone will have to write a new one now. She hasn’t got a good answer for that.  Maybe they were short for time that episode.

Finally, Nick is banished, and Shawn is back in the studio with Kaitlyn. What’s next for these two crazy kids? They want to be out in public, eating donuts at Tim Horton and shopping at Walmart. Shawn wants to stand up for his girl to all the mean tweeters and cyberbullies. Uh, oh. Chris wishes them all the best until they break up around September or so.

Much love to you all, and see you next season for Ben H. as The Bachelor! I’m not Chris Harrison. Good night, everybody.





About E.M. Rosenberg 240 Articles
Favorite 40-volume series issued by Time-Life Music: Sounds of the Seventies. Favorite backsplash material: Subway tile. Favorite screen legend I pretend wasn’t gay: Cary Grant. Favorite issue you should not even get me started about: Venal, bloodsucking insurance industry. Favorite character from the comic strip “Nancy”: Sluggo, or maybe Rollo. Favorite Little Debbie snack: Nutty Bars. Favorite Monkee: Mike.