The Bachelorette – Season 11, Episode 5 – Live Blog

Oops! Did Kaitlyn Bristowe Reveal ‘Bachelorette’ Winner on Snapchat? screams Extra, revealing a grainy photo that’s reportedly “blowing up on social media today,” along with that picture of the cute kitty. It’s a dual-selfie of Kaitlyn snuggling in bed with Shawn. Ugh, this girl has no taste whatsoever. Those sheets can’t be more than 200-thread count.

E! online covered the story a little differently, by using OMG in their headline and suggesting Kaitlyn “set social media ablaze” with the stupefied shot of the now-bearded and bed-headed Shawn. She quickly deleted the controversial photo, and hopefully also ordered Shawn to shave that Kaczynski-esque bush.

What I did learn for the first time, besides the fact that an incident of this caliber actually rates coverage in Variety, is that earlier reports suggest Kaitlyn ends the season still as single as that guy in your office who always insists he’s the only one who knows how to replace the toner in the copy machine.

More importantly, tonight appears to showcase the big moment when Kaitlyn is shamed before an entire nation for having consensual sex with another unmarried adult. That should be even more disheartening to witness than Chris Soules doing the paso doble. (Note: This didn’t happen yet. Damn teasers.)

On to the show. In New York City, Nick talks about being glad that Kaitlyn wants him there, but he’s nervous about how the guys will take it. The answer is with cold stares and silent resentment. Nick tells them he’s not there to create drama, he just wants to get to know Kaitlyn better. If that creates drama, well, they all benefit from the ratings spike.

Tanner thinks he’s there just to get some more fame. “Why now?” he asks, pointing out that Nick was hanging out with Andi just a little while ago. If Kaitlyn doesn’t work out, will he set next season’s Bachelorette in his sights? That’s not really fair. Nick might be perfectly content to date a Let’s Make a Deal spokesmodel or a Playboy centerfold.

No, insists Nick, his regular life is plenty exciting for him. He just wants to know Kaitlyn better. Joshua resents his use of “cool chick” as a descriptive term for the woman, although I suspect Kaitlyn would consider that very complimentary. Jared wants to know why Nick wants to endure the arduous process that the show requires again. All those weeks of luxury hotels, free liquor, and hot-tubbing are an onerous burden.

“I had to meet her,” Nick insists unconvincingly. The faces looking back at him resemble a multi-headed Mt. Rushmore made up of our least intelligent legislators.  “I just hope you can respect why I’m here,” he concludes lamely.

Joshua does not like it at all. Ben Z. does not know what to think yet. Shawn is putting his guard back up, pumping his brakes, and some other manly metaphors. Ben H. is very nervous about what it means for the Rose Ceremony. Basically, no one wants Nick there except the producers and Nick’s talent agent.

You wonder why all these guys think Nick has such a huge advantage over them, apparently based on the rumor that he and Kaitlyn have merely chatted online. Does that constitute a full relationship for people these days? Or was the conversation really dirty?

Anyway, the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party is at Citifield, the Mets baseball stadium. Kaitlyn is anxious as she arrives, which seems to be a semi-permanent state for her this season. Worried about how it went when Nick moved in, she encourages the men to discuss it because their thoughts and opinions matter to her, and it’s not like there’s anything of substance there to analyze anyway. But mostly she has to trust her heart, and her crotch.

JJ and Kaitlyn go out onto the field together. He picks her up and runs around the bases. He’s wearing pink socks. It’s a very meaningful moment in their relationship, although it’s utterly incomprehensible why. But it should help JJ understand the value of Clorox to his laundry.

Tanner explains to Kaitlyn about how he interrogated Nick about his commitment to her. Joshua feels there’s something not right about Nick that he can’t put his finger on. He can’t? The guy radiates smarminess that dogs can detect five miles away. Kaitlyn is worried that the guys are losing trust in her and questioning her motives, which were highly commendable before this episode.

For Shawn, though, it is in fact a turning point in their relationship. He tells her he’s trying to figure out all his thoughts and emotions. To be fair, he’s not used to having thoughts and emotions. She tells him she has always felt their connection is strong, and Nick is not taking away from that. Just like when you’ve ordered something off the menu that sounds really delicious, but someone else’s order looks really delicious, too. It doesn’t mean you send back your order–you just taste theirs and order that next time instead. Shawn says sharply that Nick is full of bleep, and he wonders if Kaitlyn’s actions match what she’s saying. Sounds to me like he figured out the thoughts part.

At the Rose Ceremony, Kaitlyn asserts, “At the end of the day, I trust my feelings,” possibly confusing them with hormones. Ben H. is first to receive a bloom, then Ben Z. and Shawn. Tanner also gets a rose, as do Joe, Ian, JJ, and Joshua. Now one rose is left. It’s cold outside on the field, and everyone has a red nose except for Jonathan. Kaitlyn is upset about this decision, but she has to think about her heart and her orgasms. The last rose goes to Nick.

The guys are visibly angry. Nick, however, is smug, ready to take them on. “I’m here, deal with it,” he challenges. So now they’re off to San Antonio, Texas to set the mood for a real rootin’-tootin’, bust-em-up competition.

Arriving at the “awesome” hotel, which is how it’s described in the brochure, the guys continue to question Nick’s motives. The theme is getting a little tiresome at this point. Then the date card arrives, inviting Ben H. on a one-on-one. The two ride off in a vintage truck. Meanwhile, guess what the guys are jabbering about back at the hotel. They just used the word “connection” for the 387th time in 30 minutes.

Anyway, then my computer crashed, I yelled a bunch of terrible words, and now we’re at an old-timey dance hall with Ben H. and Kaitlyn. They’re learning the two-step with a bunch of charming locals, which for once seems like a fun, sweet date on this sewer of a show. Ben is having a great time, and feels comfortable in the town. He is finding his inner rube. He and Kaitlyn have connected on a level that’s hard to explain, perhaps because it’s so low. Kaitlyn says he’s a handsome, handsome man who can open up and talk about who he is, which is a guy who likes to learn the two-step along with a bunch of old people while a white-haired Elvis lookalike leads the band. He’s a keeper, alright.

Tanner suggests that if Nick gets the next one-on-one date, there will be anarchy in the suite. The group date includes Justin, Jeremy (what?), Ian, Justin, Ben Z. Shawn, Joshua, and Nick.  Ben and Kaitlyn go to dinner on a rooftop somewhere, and he tells her about a failed relationship of his. She felt they took steps forward today. She likes stepping forward. Maybe because she’s a dancer. Ben explains his fears about relationships, but he’s ready to be with Kaitlyn. She feels he’s opened up to her, so he gets a rose. They both feel lucky to be with each other.

“He’s exactly who I want to be with at this moment,” she reports. Later, alone in her room, she’ll want to be with Ryan Gosling.

Kaitlyn is excited to see Nick on the group date. She wouldn’t be if she knew what the other guys think. They meet a mariachi band, led by a 12-yeard-old who will likely appear next on America’s Got Talent. The guys must write their own mariachi songs declaring their love for Kaitlyn. Joshua is determined to do it better than Nick. Too bad it’s not a welding contest.

They don their official outfits, complete with sombreros. Justin is up first. It’s weird. Joe tries the line “Kaitlyn, will you mariachi me?” Ian is completely tone-deaf. He is deeply humiliated, indicating he is rather high-strung. Joshua is cute. He’s growing on me. Nick makes a fool out of himself and is proud. He didn’t perform mariachi for the right reasons.

The evening party is at some–surprise–old Western ranch-style place. Joshua talks to Kaitlyn first. He’s a real big believer in trust, he points out, so he asks Kaitlyn to cut his hair while he’s blindfolded to prove his trust in her. Clearly, this was an error, as she ends up shaving one side of his head. He looks like a burn victim.

JJ thinks the haircut is sending Joshua around the bend. He simmers until he decides to confront Nick. He’ll never trust him, he says. Nick says he only need trust Kaitlyn. He tries to explain why the other guys shouldn’t be concerned about him by claiming he was glad Josh was there in Andi’s season, since that meant he knew he wasn’t right for her. What? Does he not realize the group of men she chose from was put together by a bunch of undergraduate interns?

Now Joshua is back talking to Kaitlyn, telling her he called Nick out on his intentions. He describes how Nick talks about last season, and his strategy, all the time. She needs to know that no one likes him. She’s taken aback. Now Joshua feels bad, since no one has apparently said that to her before. But Kaitlyn is more shocked that no one was being honest with her. She must address this issue.

Everyone plays dumb. All is fine, they’re doing great, they don’t know what Joshua means. Everyone looks sullen when he accuses them of withholding the truth. Don’t they know this is all on tape? Kaitlyn is frustrated, pursing her lips over her bunny teeth. She’s looking for a husband; there’s no room to make mistakes, although there is room for divorce. She grabs the rose and gives it to Nick. Joshua realizes he looks like a desperate, weaselly liar. Meanwhile, Nick is pleased that Kaitlyn stood up for him. I’m disgusted with everybody and everything, especially what Kaitlyn did to Joshua’s hair.

Shawn has the one-on-one next. He’s looking forward to it now. She loves his voice and his smell, but apparently nothing having to do with his personality. They’re going kayaking in separate boats to get to know each other better. She says, “We needed alone-time together, no interruptions,” except for lunch breaks, lighting adjustments, and third and fourth takes of the scene. Shawn feels better afterwards, and kisses her on a bridge. He’s ready to open up to her. There’s more opening up on this show than in a surgical suite.

That night, he tells her he was in a really bad car accident. Was it worse than Ian’s? Kaitlyn seems to find it amusing that he was in the hospital for a few months. He’s so happy where he is right now, famewhoring on national TV instead of dead from smashing through a windshield. He needs to let her know that she is taking this wall down, although the car that crashed into him probably did a good job of that, too. “I am falling in love with you,” he murmurs to Kaitlyn between kisses. She squees that it’s like she heard her husband tell her that for the first time. Later she’ll hear her husband tell her to shut up for the firs time. He gets the rose. Then they go canoeing while watching fireworks. It’s not Freudian at all.

Meanwhile, in a rare moment of prolonged screen time, Ian bemoans being overlooked, an unusual experience for him as a Princeton graduate, former model, survivor of death, and world traveler, not to mention braggart. The problem is not him, it’s her, he asserts to Nick, of all people. He wants to go home where he can be rejected off camera.

At the cocktail party, Kaitlyn expresses her unhappiness about how the group date ended. She’s thinking about a lifetime of honesty and happiness and appearances on talk shows, and there’s no room here for anything that will counteract that. Ian is convinced she can’t handle the truth, despite her having made out with a few good men.

She spends some time with Jared, whose puppy-dog eagerness to please is starting to get nauseating. He thinks the great thing they have together is they started with trust, and he promises to always be open and honest with her. Especially when he finally comes out.

Ian marvels again that against all logic, Kaitlyn doesn’t want someone like him. He is a gift that you unwrap for life, he tells us, kind of like herpes. Now he realizes that Kaitlyn is here just to make out and have a good time, while he auditioned on the chance it would lead to a recurring role on a TNT series. He gets plenty of sex himself, he assures us, but that’s not why he’s here. It’s time to make that clear.

He tells her he heard what she said about being honest and sharing feelings. “I came here for love, and to find a wife,” he states loftily, while at the house, all the other guys are making fart jokes, trading sex stories, and maintaining their three-day-old beard growth. Then he glares at her and says, “I wonder if you’re really that shallow, because I don’t see anything beyond the surface.”

It doesn’t matter that he’s right, it’s still a pretty mean thing to say. And even meaner to withhold her reaction from us until next week.

 

About E.M. Rosenberg 216 Articles
Favorite 40-volume series issued by Time-Life Music: Sounds of the Seventies. Favorite backsplash material: Subway tile. Favorite screen legend I pretend wasn’t gay: Cary Grant. Favorite issue you should not even get me started about: Venal, bloodsucking insurance industry. Favorite character from the comic strip “Nancy”: Sluggo, or maybe Rollo. Favorite Little Debbie snack: Nutty Bars. Favorite Monkee: Mike.