Tonight begins Kaitlyn’s first round of dates with the remaining slate of bachelors. As an added treat, we’ll also get to witness Britt’s reunion with Brady, who yearned so passionately to remain on television.
There will be two group dates for Kaitlyn, a 29-year-old dance instructor from somewhere in the ABC-viewing audience of the United States. Let’s hope her students kept practicing the salsa while she was away.
During one date, the group will be tutored in committing violence by professional heavyweight boxer Laila Ali. She has apparently retired from competitive sports to launch a lucrative new career on reality TV shows. Chopped and DWTS are where old D-list celebrities go to make people say, “Oh, her.” Comedian Amy Schumer, who should have her feminist membership revoked after this, is the sellout for the second date. She coaches the guys in doing stand-up so they can entertain their love interest with witty one-liners. You’d think Kaitlyn would be laughing all the way to the bank already.
In addition, one lucky bastard wins the first one-on-one date. In case you’ve lost track of who’s left to pick from–similar to shopping after the Black Friday sale at Wal-Mart–the men still up for grabs are Ben H., Ben Z., Chris, Clint, Corey, Cory, Daniel, Ian, Jared, JJ, Joe, Jonathan, Joshua, Justin, Kupah, Ryan B., Shawn B., Tanner, and Tony. Odds suggest that Kaitlyn will end up with a guy whose name begins with J, with a C initial running a close second. About as reasonable a way as any to narrow down the choices.
The kissing of everyone and his roommate will commence tonight. Probably some of the guys are kissing each other off-camera, too. Kaitlyn wakes up as the newest Bachelorette, feeling it’s surreal, but she’s thrilled the guys chose her and can’t wait to get started. Discussing it with an implacable Chris, she justifies macking on a bunch of strange guys despite public disapproval. “If you feel that connection, you can’t turn it down,” she explains. She’s right–that’s why my television screen is always covered with lip prints.
The guys celebrate their joy as they toast the show around a giant, multi-tiered basket of breakfast fruit. They admire Brady for leaving, though, when he was convinced Britt was his one and only. Speaking of whom, we next see Britt sobbing into the phone to her mom about not being able to say goodbye to anybody. Then there is a knock on the door. It’s Brady and the rest of the camera crew. He tells her he thought she needed a hug after last night. According to accounts, she needs a shower, too.
Chris tells the guys about the dates–the first group one is today. Who’s going? Daniel, Justin, Jared, Cory (Corey?), Tanner, Kupah, Ben H. and who? Whatever. Off they go to meet Laila and punch each other. They’re acting out my fantasy.
They arrive at a warehouse, mystified by the date activity. “I just want to know which of these guys is willing to fight for me,” Kaitlyn asserts smugly, like when Veronica pits Archie against Reggie to prove who should be allowed to buy her a malted. She then introduces Laila, who lectures them about discipline and commitment. They’re sure to fail, although Jared’s enormous, blocky chin should serve the others well as a target. They all punch some bags and balls, jump rope, and horse around.
Completely absorbed in whamming things with his fists, Kupah fails to flirt, which Kaitlyn notices with disapproval. Bye, Kupah, we hardly knew ye. Now the guys have to get into the ring and fight each other. A couple of them express dismay–they’re lovers, not fighters. Also, they paid a lot for those teeth.
Before an audience of screaming, lusty women, the men come out to joust. Ben Z. is up against Daniel first. It’s an ugly scene, with slapping flesh and guttural grunts. Similar to what we’d witness in the Fantasy Suite. Then it’s Corey v. Justin. Kupah is pretty built and practiced diligently, so Tanner just wants to avoid being killed in his round. This show is such fun! Finally Jared goes up against Ben Z. Dramatic music plays as Jared collapses from a hard punch to the jaw.
Kaitlyn feels terrible. She didn’t want anyone to get hurt. During a boxing match. Meanwhile, those huge shiny shorts are causing pain to my fashion sense.
Finally, the concussed, bruised, and sweaty bachelors walk back in from the ring. Jared is checked by a medic. He must go to the hospital, but all he wants is to see Kaitlyn. He has dismissed all the women out there who would not require him to sustain brain injuries.
At the evening cocktail hour, Kaitlyn rhapsodically discusses the violent behavior of Ben Z. “He’s a hunk of meat,” she reports with delight. She definitely feels something for him and his savagery. They both like barbecuing, too. He has a son name Aurelius. so he’s brutal in naming children, too.
Daniel is talking about his furniture design company, to Kaitlyn’s clear disinterest, when she receives a mysterious note and tells him she must leave. The note says, “Come downstairs right now, I need to see you.” It’s from Jared. They take a walk, but his nose is sore where he got walloped, and he must get rest and not think of ravishing her. So they kiss. “It was worth every punch I took,” he swoons. Maybe he’s into S&M.
Kaitlyn proceeds to award the rose to Ben Z., and they smooch. She thinks they make a great pair. They can have another kid and name him Claudius.
Clint, who earn has garnered the first one-on-one, and Kaitlyn are off on their date in a red Mercedes sportscar. They’re doing an underwater photo shoot, which seems like a very poor way to get to know someone. These are apparently all the rage now, because our culture has gone completely to hell. Kaitlyn gets made up, with what must be the hardest mascara to remove in history. She also wears a silver sequined dress that does not look waterproof. He’s fully dressed, too. The photographer, whose cleaning bills must be astronomical, leads them in breathing exercises so they can be in the moment and feel the balance and connection to their partner. Also so they don’t drown.
Back at the house, Tony learns of the boxing group date and forcefully tells another bachelor, “The foundation that my forever starts on does not start with my beating your ass.” Somebody should start a Tumblr with his quotes.
Kaitlyn and Clint jump into the pool with the photographer. Kaitlyn ruins the romance of the scene by holding her nose. But each time they go under the water, they’re getting close and closer, she reports, until he kisses her. She’s never had a first kiss under water. “It felt very natural and comfortable,” she enthuses, despite the presence of camera assistants, artificial lighting, and the formal gown she is wearing that is tangled around her legs. He enjoyed it, too. Wait til he sees what the chlorine does to his hair.
Date card number two. Tony MUST be on this date, he seethes, to learn if he and Kaitlyn can co-exist together. The names are read: JJ, Jonathan, Joshua, Chris, Ian, Joe, and Tony. Thank heaven–he may have become violent, in a zen kind of way.
That night, Clint and Kaitlyn are discussing their day. She makes him blush telling him how cool he is. They toast each other. “I was really stoked today,” Kaitlyn sighs, echoing the words of Elizabeth Barrett Browning. She presents him with the rose, and hauls his lapels forward to kiss him. He passes the chemistry test, she is happy to say. This may have been the best first date she has ever had in her life. Certainly it’s the only first date where she had to practice breathing.
Meanwhile, Tony consults Justin about what Kaitlyn is like. He must see openness in her, he insists intensely, and then accidentally calls her Britt. He should also consult the medic about a possible head injury. Justin sneers.
Next day is the second group date. Kaitlyn greets Amy Schumer at a comedy club. They discuss the show, of which Amy is a fan. She loves Kaitlyn and is glad she didn’t end up on the farm with Chris. Or in the audience of DWTS every week for a couple of months.
The men arrive. JJ is determined to win the rose this round. Amy asks for their best joke, and Ian offers the worst one you ever heard. It’s okay, because he went to Princeton. Anyway, Tony has no sense of humor at all.
She brings out some national headliners whom no one ever heard of to help the guys develop material. Nothing funny ever happens when Joshua (Joe?) welds, which is probably for the best. Chris is told it’s funny that his shirt is toothpaste-colored, which is why these headliners are unknown. JJ worries that he’s too smart for 90 percent of the audience. Amy points out that he’s missing only charisma and humility.
Time for the show. “It’s time to cut loose and be Tony,” Tony informs us. Up til now, he was being the Dalai Lama. Amy introduces the show. Ian goes first, and is cute but not funny. Justin says something about his tongue. Chris shows his giant white teeth and unbuttons his shirt. Kaitlyn liked it.
Now it’s Tony’s turn. Base don his performance, he is either on the autism spectrum or playing an outstanding caricature of himself. JJ is overwhelmed with horror at the awkwardness of it all. Kaitlyn declares it the best date she ever had, consigning Clint to second place after less than 24 hours.
Cocktail time. Kaitlyn enthuses about the guys putting themselves out there and how they all bring something to the table, except Tony. Joshua (Joe?) tells her he’s never been in love before. except for his dogs. Tony tells her he initially had a connection to Britt, but today Kaitlyn showed a side of herself today that changed his fear of her. She figured out the combination to his wonderfulness. Understandably, she seems dubious, or possibly is just trying not to laugh.
JJ and Kaitlyn talk next. He discusses his little girl, with whom he Facetimes warmly. No one ever asks where the mother is–is she an ex-wife? Ex-girlfriend? Sperm purchaser? Kaitlyn is attracted to him for talking about his child. They kiss.
She also kisses Kentucky guy (oh, he’s Joe), who blurts “Wahl, Ah’ll be,” which delights her. She’s pretty easy to please.
Time for the rose. She reviews everything she likes about the guys. JJ wins. He loves watching everyone else “suffering and stressed out.” I’m sure the other parents look forward to the days when he’ll be attending his daughter’s soccer games.
Next is the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony. “Everybody wants a rose really bad,” says Justin. Kaitlyn arrives clad in sequins with unflattering cut-outs and makes the usual banal speech. Then JJ swoops in and grabs her. Everybody else is caught off guard, which makes them angry and resentful. JJ already has a rose, so what the hell?
Last night was amazing, he tells her. Kaitlyn pushed him outside his comfort zone, which is to remain humorless and utterly lacking in charm. He returns to the stony glares of the other men.
Next Ian and Kaitlyn wander off. His eyebrows are beautifully done. He was raised by a single mom and was involved in sports. Oh, that’s how he got into Princeton, so never mind. Then he tells about his tragic car accident, recounting all the bones he broke. Better reassure her about the condition of the groin area. “You’re a sweet guy,” she tells him, which we all know is not a good sign. She can’t figure out how he makes her feel, she worries, but she kisses him anyway.
The other guys are still bitching about JJ. Laughing like a Bond villain, he refuses to apologize for going after what he wants. Tony is outraged. For a guy who makes a living meditating, he’s awfully excitable.
Kupah sits with Kaitlyn next. He is impateint to find out if he should be sticking around. Her lips are pursed as he questions her–why hasn’t she spent more time getting to know him? She thought he didn’t notice her, when he had the chance to come forward on the group date. He claims the boxing was uncomfortable for him, and she counters that he should have told her. They’re having a fight before they even know each other.
He seems to suggest that she kept him around as a token, which surely the producers did, but she informs him that she gave him a rose the first time because she enjoyed taking about music with him. Really, what does he want? She has to keep a certain number of guys every ceremony, and at this point, the decision is pretty much based on whether they wore a nice tie. She reveals that she actually did feel a connection until now, when he’s basically complaining that she hasn’t already picked him over everyone else. Stunned, he tries to recover, but she has obviously given up on him. No kiss for Kupah.
Feeling desperate, he reports back to the guys. Ryan B. thinks he’s intense and doesn’t have a filter. Ryan B. is correct. Kaitlyn, who has gone off to think this all over in front of the fireplace with a glass of wine, overhears Kupah blathering and marches over to take him outside.
He slugs back some liquor. “I don’t want to go home,” he announces bluntly. “You’re hot, you’re sexy–”
She interrupts sharply, “There’s more to me than that.”
He clumsily attempts to correct. “I like those parts, too.”
“You can go now, I’m sorry,” she tells him. He sees his Q score plummeting before his eyes. He proceeds to have a meltdown in the interview in the yard.
Overhearing the bleeped-out fuss, a disgusted Kaitlyn hauls open the door and goes to confront him.
TO BE CONTINUED….
Also, next week will be more about Brady and Britt, who maybe is not a virgin anymore? They stopped mentioning it. Maybe she just got herself a Rotating Rabbit.