This evening is when the Women Tell All, although that probably doesn’t include anything about diachronic analysis of classical languages or black-body radiation. All the gals who have already left the show will be there in metallic mini-dresses and fresh highlights to bitch and moan about the other bitches and their moaning.
Arie will also be present to discuss nothing related to macroeconomics or plate tectonics. He does take a moment, most likely right after a slew of Hyundai commercials, to tell Krystal he disapproves of her behavior on the show. As a result, he has recommended her for next season’s Celebrity Big Brother cast.
During the festivities, we’ll be saying “Oh, her” over and over as Tia, Seinne, Bekah M., Chelsea, Bibiana, Caroline, and Jacqueline bare their souls with the same trenchant honesty as they bared their side-boob all season. The show will also review entertaining hashtags harvested from Twitter, because that requires the least amount of time for the paid interns.
As for this week in clickbait headlines, E! News implies it knows who the next Bachelorette will be, but succeeds only in noting that Bekah M. and Tia are the biggest fan favorites. Thanks, giant entertainment site with countless insider sources. I could just as confidently tell people I’m going to be cast because one of my Episode 4 tweets got 27 likes.
I’ll also take this opportunity to explain to Us Weekly that when a person makes an angry accusation in an “emotional and intense” moment on screen, it cannot accurately be characterized as “she quipped.” Finally, Arie frequently fails to properly punctuate his social media posts, but anything else would be a genuine shocker.
Love, heartbreak, and glamshaming are all on the agenda tonight. Was Bekah really too young to appear? Why was Tia left heartbroken? And what will Krystal say to the women who despised her? All these questions are as compelling as they are idiotic. Chris feels it has been a tough journey for Arie, but it’s not over yet. Furthermore, the final episode will be like nothing you’ve ever seen before, similar to a two-headed dog or a bachelorette with a doctorate.
They recap previous seasons’ versions of this absurd, cheesy, time-filling debacle that brings in loads of ad revenue while barely brushing a finger against the touchpad. Among the many unremarkable moments highlighted, the weirdest is the guy from the audience with a tat on his ribs of former contestant Courtney. I bet he drew it on with a Sharpie to cement his single moment in the sun.
The gals are ready to spill: Olivia, Jessica, Jenny, Lauren P., Lauren S., Annaliese, Brittney T., Marikh, Jenna, Ashley, Krystal, Jacqueline, Caroline, Bibiana, Chelsea, Bekah M., Seinne, and Tia wave hello robotically. I thought there was another Brittany? And maybe one more Lauren? Jenna was, like, thrilled that Arie, who’s, like, cool and handsome, was the Bachelor this year. She’ll get lots of likes for that. Seinne was nervous to go into the house and face the competition, but she looked forward to enjoying maid service.
We see recounts of Annaliese’s recollection of her bumper car trauma, and the glamshaming of Marikh, which sounds like the title of a Bollywood movie. Then there’s a montage of Enraging Krystal Moments. Each one is more seething and resentment-filled than the last, similar to recent hearings of the House Intelligence Committee.
The scourge upon our nation that is glamshaming is discussed at length, before they address the recurrent issue of Bekah’s youth. Now a few months older, her earrings look heavier than Marikh’s make-up bag. Bekah asserts that she has worlds of experience in interpersonal relationships, despite having been born the same year that the first planet outside our solar system was identified.
Onto Krystal, whom Chris describes as “beautiful and charismatic,” which would apply if she were a sex doll. With her bosom protruding from a piece of purple fabric that wouldn’t effectively cover a bird cage, Krystal prepares to discuss her Bachelor experience. Part of the problem with her is that she doesn’t open her teeth when she talks. How did Arie get his tongue in there?
We review her annoying habit of refusing to reveal the details of her dates with Arie, and get to eavesdrop on a session in a steam room where she talks trash about everyone. Her bleeped language causes gasps and dropped jaws among the audience and other b’ettes. We at home can only guess at the offending term she uses, likely a word synonymous with the body part the president claimed to have grabbed.
Everyone cheers when they replay the scene of Krystal being rejected by Arie. “How do you feel watching that?” Chris probes. He’s like that one commenter who always shows up on your friend’s political posts to post memes that were popular two weeks ago.
Krystal says she felt ostracized, all because she wanted the dynamics of her relationship with Arie to be private. It appears she bought a thesaurus with her show money. The other girls pile on, accusing her of playing games, being inauthentic, and curating a presence of zen. I’ll have to try using that last one in an argument. Everyone is very angry with Krystal, blurting their resentment and bitterness at her perpetual dishonesty and insulting comments. It’s like the American Idol judges panel after Paula Abdul left.
The audience claps madly as we witness the woman’s further evisceration. In her own defense, Krystal tells Caroline she should have told her how upset she was during the show, when she would have likely curated a presence of slapping Caroline’s face. Krystal further claims that people should have understood when she lashed out in anger or hurt over various developments. In fact, that’s how Kim Jong-Un justifies testing nuclear bombs out in the open.
Chris respects that Krystal expressed herself here tonight, but he would. She apologizes to the other girls, then starts sobbing as she tells the story of her homeless brother transitioning from being on the street while watching the show. That alone made suffering all the cruel agony of The Bachelor worth it (Isaiah 43:2).
Seinne comes up next. She was a Bachelor Nation favorite, so how did everything go wrong in Tuscany? Maybe it was Yale education vs. barely-graduated-from-high-school. She deserves better than a hot dog bun in a Target cardigan. Watching it back, however, Seinne realizes that some of Arie’s other relationships were progressing more swiftly and strongly than hers, and likely with more mindless giggling.
Chris mentions how Seinne spoke of not having examples of people who look like her falling in love. She hopes her experience shows other young girls that a romantic love story can indeed be for them. Ideally, they’ll also see that The Bachelor is not the way to have one.
Now we’ll hear from slightly older Bekah, who is wearing a skirt that’s short enough to reveal buttock shadow. They review all her tormented moments on the show that were not caused by an acne flare-up. She wasn’t shocked to be sent home, however, and appreciated all the positive moments they had even when Arie’s tongue was still in his mouth. However, everyone’s judgments about her youth and inexperience were upsetting and unfair. I guess she hadn’t spent much time on the internet before this.
Chris brings up the famous missing-person report on her, and puts up an image of it on the big screen. The picture the cops used makes her look 15. After everyone laughs gaily at the tale of Bekah’s terrified mom reporting her missing, Chris forces the girl to call her and torment her on air. Mom learns that Bekah will be appearing on Bachelor in Paradise, and now will likely never go to business school.
Tia is invited to the hot seat next. Chris found her and Arie’s parting scene among the most heartbreaking ever, even more upsetting than the last time he tried to renegotiate his salary. She thought Arie was a step up from anyone she’d dated before. Where was she finding these guys, the rehab center? Despite this glorious revelation, she was rejected in favor of the reticent Kendall.
Teary-eyed as the footage of her heartbreak ends, Tia reveals that she was ready to take the chance of having her heart broken as long as it was with Arie, and on national TV for pay. She was bothered, however, that he could not explain why she didn’t make the final cut, though it likely came down to blond vs. brunette. Chris assures her that Arie told him he wasn’t sure if he’d made a mistake sending her home. But then they consulted the script, and confirmed the dialogue is correct.
Finally, Arie appears on stage to the wan smiles of the panel of rejects. He claims it’s really nice to see everyone, even if he can’t remember more the four of their names. Chris reminds him about Tia’s last night on the show, and how rough it was for both of them, as well as the make-up person. Arie tries to explain the decision, which was about “my emotion toward Kendall,” not to mention her cup size compared to Tia’s. For her part, Jacqueline is glad that he appreciated that her career goals had to take precedence, especially when her career won’t be in reality TV.
Arie shares that his heart was really with Bekah at the beginning, but he let her youth, and possibly law enforcement officials jumping to the wrong conclusions, scare him off. He says if he could turn back time, if he could find a way, he would have done some things differently.
Now comes the drama of Caroline’s accusation. A cold silence falls over the audience as she asserts something vague about how he claimed to be looking for a wife on the show, but she knows what he did, and she can’t understand why he did it. It’s all so mysterious. Cher doesn’t even have a song about it.
Krystal wants to talk to Arie on the couch. She flips her hair and bats her eyes at him while she complains that his goodbye to her felt cold. “Looking back, that was appropriate,” he tells her snidely. He explains that she made hurtful comments about everyone, and if he had known, he wouldn’t have let it go on as long as it did. It also would’ve helped if she’d used a breath mint once in a while. Referring again to the time her winning team did not get exclusive access to the after-party, Krystal counters that she was angry that he dangled a carrot in front of their faces, and then pulled it back. At least that’s a more flattering analogy than Tia’s little weiner.
Next come bloopers, which include insect attacks, flat-butt accusations, math struggles, and Arie attempting to sound sincere. When we return, John Cena is there to plug some lame movie with his unrecognizable co-stars. The audience claps obediently, but obviously prefers to know what the hell Caroline was talking about.
The next bit is about B’ettes blocking each other from getting time with Arie. This show continues to set feminism back to the Hoover Administration. Chris asks Cena if he’s nervous about the finale of The Bachelor. Next he’ll appear on Don Lemon’s show to analyze the repercussions of the latest Mueller indictments.
We’re down to three woman on the show now, Chris explains helpfully. The finale will be more “real and different” than anything we’ve seen on the show before, although it’ll be hard to beat Juan Pablo. Will Arie convert to Mormonism and marry all three? Did the House Intelligence Committee subpoena them to testify? Will Chris decide to join the priesthood?
Arie can’t believe he’s come this far, but still doesn’t know which woman is the one. It doesn’t seem too implausible since it’s happened every single other season. He will consult with his parents, be confronted by somebody’s ex-boyfriend., and overhear someone crying. At one point in the finale, Arie will open a door dramatically. It’s the most compelling door-opening scene since Dick Van Dyke arrived home in the opening credits.
Chris claims all of Bachelor Nation will be in shock at the end of that episode, but only because the White House is holding its second press conference in a month after the show.
See you tomorrow! Be drunk.