Why did Andi come to see Nick at his hotel room in the dead of night? I mean, come on, just text the guy with a line of vegetable emojis. Has she suddenly realized that he is, indeed, the one? Is she determined to prevent his legacy being merely an uncited mention in the show’s Wikipedia entry? Or did the producers throw in a mindless plot variation to try to distract viewers from the debut of this season’s The Voice?
According to credible sources I refuse to name, Nick’s long-form birth certificate is fake. Also, Andi will share a “bombshell suggestion” about the Fantasy Suite, possibly “go with ribbed for her pleasure this time.” After that mesmerizing encounter, followed by an emotional Rose Ceremony in which someone will be sent back to her nanny’s comforting arms, Nick and the surviving gals will travel to Lapland, Finland, making it a country that President Trump can accurately claim suffered violence caused by outsiders. Whoever Nick rejects will go home with nothing but an authentic sauna experience.
By the end of the hour–baruch Hashem, only an hour–we’ll find out who agreed to visit the petal-strewn suite to get second-degree beard-burn from Nick. Will it be Raven whom he ponders, weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious Serta Sleeper of forgotten memory foam? Or is it Rachel, Rachel whom he boinks, boinks? It’s hard to fathom that he wasn’t interested in giving Corinne a roll in the hay, but then again, he can do that anytime without the presence of cameras operated by other people.
The recaps remind us of last week’s swamp-fondling, pensive balcony walks, and hair blowing menacingly in the wind. Nick invites Andi in and they hug uncomfortably. Nick wants to know why she’s there, and right before the Rose Ceremony when he needs time to shave his chest.
Meanwhile, the other gals prepare for the romantic moment when they will learn if they can agree to have sex with a virtual stranger on national TV. It figures Corinne is half naked as she walks out with Chris into the cold night. At this point, he’s basically an animate handrail.
Tossing back from whiskey, Andi wants to know how it’s goin’. Does she prosecute criminals with that mouth? Nick has his insecurities, he explains. As a result he holds back with his true feelings, at least those that aren’t lust, greed, and apathy. He then suggests that he might not choose any of the women. No one is more pissed than Neil Lane. But Nick’s happy with the final four selected for him by the reality-show version of a death panel.
Then Andi asks outright if he’ll have sex with any of the women. He hasn’t decided for sure. He still wants official bra sizes. Andi advises him that he has every right to get as intimate as he wants with however many broads are handy. All this feminist statement is missing is a pink pussy hat.
They each acknowledge that they hurt each other for ratings, but that’s all in the past seasons. Now Nick feels confident that things will work out, and maybe more than one of the women will not be permanently traumatized by the experience.
Then Raven reveals to America that she has never had an orgasm in her one relationship. Honey, get out of there now. Amazon delivers the Rotating Rabbit even to Arkansas.
It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. The winds whip the gals’ hair as they gaze upon the three roses left to be dispensed. Vanessa is still uncertain about the success of her hometown visit. Raven worries that she didn’t take the opportunity to tell Nick she is falling in love with him. Corinne is convinced their overpriced shopping expedition sealed her and Nick’s love for each other, much as a wagon ride to the mead merchant did for Tristan and Isolde.
Nick feels the week was special and amazing, mostly for all the free porn at the hotels. He assures the potential loser that he appreciated her willingness to humiliate herself for money.
The first rose goes to Raven. The next goes to Rachel, and the third is awarded to a grateful Vanessa. Tears fall from Corinne’s over made-up eyes. Nick walks off with her to say goodbye as melancholy piano music plays. The composer must constantly question his life choices. Nick assures Corinne she did nothing wrong to lose his support, which is what a lot of people said to Bernie Sanders.
“I’m gonna miss the hell out of you,” Nick soothes her turgidly. They’ll always have The Limited.
Driving away, Corinne despairs of trying ever again to show a man that she loves him and wants him to go over the limit on his Amex. From now on on, she will always be herself, a vibrant, bright young woman who vivaciously sells epoxy coverings to the military and swims naked with strangers.
His confidence restored, Nick looks forward to departing for Finland, the next step in their journey and the cheapest hotel deal the producers could score. Lapland is a sparkling, white-covered paradise filled with reindeer, sturdy log homes, and other reindeer. “This is the most northern place I’ve ever been,” Nick marvels inexplicably. The rest of us get a glimpse of what the climate will be like a few years after the EPA is dismantled. Finland is a metaphor for Nick’s icy-old, trackless wasteland of a soul.
His first date is with Raven, who is probably unaccustomed to cold climates. They board a helicopter and fly over a national park with a name reminiscent of a character in a Bergman movie. Raven yearns to tell Nick how she feels, which at the moment is chilly. She could use a pink pussy hat herself.
They claim they’re having a great time playing darts among the locals in a darkened bar. Everyone in Finland must have Seasonal Affective Disorder year-round. Nick claims Raven has “an edgy craziness,” which sounds like the scriptwriter’s description of Glenn Close’s character in Fatal Attraction. They discuss the perils of dating someone who doesn’t love their mother, for example, Norman Bates. These two clearly don’t watch classic movies.
Nick asks if Raven can fold laundry, since he hates doing that. He offers to clean house instead. The greatest love stories include a similar scene, if you replace “folding laundry” with “following our entwined hearts to our ultimate idyllic destiny.”
Raven is nervous about the Fantasy Suite for “multiple reasons,” as The Sensuous Woman advised. She’s only had sex with one person, and never had an orgasm. It appears Chris Harrison wasn’t the best choice for her first sexual encounter.
Night falls over Lapland. Raven and Nick enter a candle-lit cabin and strip off their parkas. Nick blathers on about what a great day it was, reciting from the brochure about all that the setting for The Snow Queen has to offer besides smoked fish and heavy sweaters. He scratches his neck romantically as they review their experience together. Then she prepares to bring up the hot-button topic. Oh, hahahahaha!
She describes her disappointing previous relationship, one that cannot be seen on hulu.com. She worries about her love not being reciprocated. Would she say she loves someone if she’s not sure he feels the same, he asks? Would she be on this show if not, since that happens 29 out of 30 times every season?
She explains that she developed feelings for him during their first one-on-one. He has made it easier and easier for her to love him, she admits. Yes, she does love him, and it would be, um, the worst thing not to tell him that. They kiss without embracing. “It’s one of the most meaningful moments I’ve ever had,” he reports with as much feeling as someone narrating a Power Point presentation.
She accepts the invitation to go to the suite, then tells him about her lack of orgasms. He’s surprised, and does not “know how to approach this.” Maybe listen to a few Dr. Ruth lectures?
We conclude with an exterior shot of the little cabin nestled in the snow, only able to wonder how cold will it be in there for Raven. We’ll learn more next week in a three-hour ordeal with all the bachelorettes returning to abuse and torment the other cast members.
Sic ’em on the producers, I say.
