Astonishing news from a “tabloid insider” tonight: This season’s beleaguered star Nick either didn’t want to be bothered choosing who got a rose, or couldn’t handle the somber responsibility. It’s similar to how Steve Bannon either doesn’t want to be bothered, or couldn’t handle the somber responsibility of washing his hair before he visits the Oval Office.
Apparently, from the start Nick relinquished all the date-or-dump decisions to the producers and writers. It’s possible, though, that he first consulted with them about his preferred traits, such as strong spirituality, a sense of humor, and nothing smaller than a C-cup. But no wonder his mom is uncertain that the show is the best method of matchmaking. After all, even my dog weighs the pros and cons before sniffing an unfamiliar behind.
In other news almost as dismissive of this country’s ideals as what’s happening at JFK airport, some claim Corinne and Alexis will appear on Bachelor in Paradise. That’s especially fortunate for Alexis, who can practice her dolphin training. Corinne will use the opportunity to refine her clueless-bitch-on-wheels skills to replace Kellyanne Conway once she’s forced to resign under pressure from the American Association of Hairstylists.
The political jokes just write themselves, folks. If only there were any other social or cultural references anyone paid attention to this week.
Corinne is really the star of the show with her sneering, complaints, and Nick-hogging. Gathered at the barn pre-Rose Ceremony, the women squabble and dismiss their own cattiness in equal measure as Taylor further criticizes Corinne’s behavior to her. They both mention “emotional intelligence” several times, which is the only multi-syllabic phrase anyone has used on this show since they called Juan Pablo a sociopathic phony. Raven did not expect the two to get into it so intensely. She must have missed previous seasons where the exact same thing happened between The Evil One and The Know-It-All One.
“I don’t want to force myself where I don’t belong,” Taylor asserts, apparently unaware of what happens in the Fantasy Suite. Corinne believes Nick deserves better than Taylor, so she must tell him that immediately. She describes Taylor as not very nice, deliberately ignores Corinne, and acting rude. Taylor is not there for the right reasons, which apparently is to be Emily Post in booty shorts.
Nick tells the group how open and honest they all are. He formally thanks them for their time, like a CEO at a sexy-lady conference. The ladies stand in formation at the Rose Ceremony to wait for him. Corinne argues that Taylor feels “entitled to whatever she’s entitled to,” just like all those entitled seniors who paid into Social Security and feel entitled to collect on it when they retire.
First rose goes to someone whose name I forget. Danielle follows, then Jasmine and Rachel, after the usual paranoid fears are expressed that she will not get a rose. Jami is next, followed by who the hell? Kelsey? Courtney? Vanessa is next, then Alexis and Corinne. Nick is so emotionally unintelligent, or rather the producers really know their audience.
The final rose goes to Taylor, as predictable a result as a SCOTUS pick who doesn’t like Roe v. Wade. It’s reality TV gold, though, as Godzilla and Mothra never had fights as vicious as Taylor and Corinne, although the weird noises emanating from each creature sound the same.
The non-rose-receivers bid Nick goodbye. Sarah did not think she was going home tonight, especially after the producers took her out to dinner. The rest of them are off to New Orleans, where no one will be able to pronounce “beignet,” but everyone will personify The Big Easy. Nick is excited to be there, mostly because he expects to see some women wearing nothing but beads. The ladies try on some feathered masks before checking into their hotel, as excited as Syrian refugees who’ve been allowed into the country.
Chris announces the three dates this week, which includes one of those two-on-one ones where undoubtedly Taylor and Corinne will face off. One will either go home or get her eyes scratched out.
The one-on-one date is first. Rachel is excited and nervous, because she gets more camera time but has to spend it with Nick. She meets him at a market, where he promises to “buy her a lot of things.” She says he gives her the butterflies, which are free. They eat some local delicacies and make out among the seafood. Rachel is thrilled with Nick, which is not a good sign for anyone hoping to trust her legal skills.
A marching band comes along– spontaneously, of course–and the two dance and make out as the trumpets blare right next to them. I had a neighbor like that once. The other women watch enviously from the hotel window. Are they not allowed to go out by themselves?
The couple then goes to hear some chick sing in a club. Nick dandles his fingers along Rachel’s bare shoulder in a way that terrifies people when it happens on the 2 train during rush hour. But he is “exceeding my expectations,” Rachel reports before they go to make out again on a balcony.
Night falls, and Rachel and Nick arrive at Mardi Gras World, where there are all kinds of floats, creepy costumes, and garish figures in addition to Nick. He says he had an amazing time, and that Rachel surpassed all his expectations. Charts will indicate that their quantitative satisfaction aligned as projected. Nick asks her about her family. Her parents are still married, huzzah!
Nick is insecure because he’s already asked two sets of parents if he could marry their daughters, who then refused him in a humiliating display on national TV. Will the next father feel Nick is not committed to his daughter? The actual problem is they’re not committed to him.
Nick tells Rachel that he’s “super into” her, a line he borrowed from a Byron sonnet. Happily, she accepts the rose. “I don’t believe in fairy tales, but I believe in today, and today was a fairy tale,” she rhapsodizes. Unfortunately, it’s The Red Shoes.
The group date card arrives at the suite, and the names are read off. Taylor and Corinne are left out for the two-on-one, a revelation as unexpected as me choosing a Kit Kat over kale. The group rides in a big black truck to what looks like Tara. Will the gals spend their time with Nick picking cotton and getting whipped?
Nick explains that the house is haunted, possibly by the souls of tormented former Bachelor producers. The main ghost, they are told, is a little girl named Mae who died of yellow fever. Maybe the women shouldn’t reveal so much cleavage around an undead minor. The tour guide shows them her room, which features several really creepy dolls, although more lifelike than Corinne.
That night, the group has cocktails in the parlor and jokes about the dead child’s restless soul. One woman pulls out a Ouija board, rendering this episode a poor man’s The Exorcist, only without the convincing acting. Then the lights go out. It’s the only time any of the women have been in the dark with Nick and not making out.
He asks for two volunteers to take a candle and investigate the house. Now it’s an episode of Scooby Doo with a less attractive Alan. They approach the busts that are covered with white sheets. A chandelier crashes to the floor, turning the show into The Phantom of the Opera without the great soundtrack.
Back at the hotel, Corinne orders up room service and takes a bubble bath while Taylor performs meditative yoga exercises. Meet Taylor, who’s lived most everywhere/From Zanzibar to Barclay Square/But Corinne’s only seen the sights/A girl can see from Shaker Heights/What a crazy pair!
Next Nick and–Whitney? Kristina? Bobby Brown?–go off to talk in the yard while the others pretend to be scared inside the house. Some books fall over, there are crashing sounds, and they scream. I’d only be afraid if the smoke detector went off in that fire trap of a plantation.
Back at the hotel, the date card officially arrives. Taylor is content with whatever the result is, as she no longer wants to be around Corinne.
At the haunted house, the girls try to connect to the departed spirits, which could happen as they all have more in common with a dead girl from another century than they do with Nick. Meanwhile he and Danielle make out, which she claims deepened their relationship far more than any conversation. Raven sits with him next. She feels she can tell him anything, including about her refusal to use blotting sheets. She tells him about the moment she fell in love with him. I only recall the moment I became 100 percent tired of seeing him.
Finally, it’s rose time. Danielle gets it. Raven worries that Nick doesn’t feel as strongly about her as he does Danielle, which is less something to worry about than just find another show to audition for.
Next day, Taylor and Corinne leave for their date on the Bayou, both wearing jeans as tight as the lid on a jar of olives. The three climb into a little boat and motor off among the Spanish moss and his handsiness. They alight in the deep woods to find scary animals, bugs, and the director. It’s almost as frightening as the prospect of marrying Nick. They approach a voodoo ceremony, which is more interesting than a Rose Ceremony. A tarot reader will reveal the truth to them, which is easy when you’ve read the script earlier.
The reader lady feels tension in the trio, and asks to read Taylor first, alone. Corinne feels this will be enlightening, but more importantly, she can make out with Nick on a log. Taylor learns she is emotional, emotive, and is near a person who is emotionally toxic. It could be the crafts services person, though. Taylor is intrigued by how accurate the reading is, even done by someone who gets paid scale.
Meanwhile, Corinne bitches about Taylor calling her stupid, which she views as being open and honest with Nick. While she gets her reading, Nick talks to Taylor about what Corinne said. He’s concerned that Taylor bullied Corinne, but seems content to make out with a dozen women in the course of three days. The tarot reader explains that Corinne tends to run her mouth off, which is also what this week’s TV Guide said. Corinne asks how to make a voodoo doll in the likeness of either Taylor or Reince Priebus. As the dramatic scene concludes, she is seen poking a large pin into the figure’s agent’s heart.
Taylor and Corinne next meet at a table set up mid-forest. Taylor rants that if Corinne gets the rose, it will mean a relationship built off of whipped cream and lies. I once gave a surprise party with that theme. They accuse each other angrily of not being qualified for their jobs, which Rick Perry can relate to.
Nick arrives, feeling he knows what to do now, beside try to get in some final action before he sends one woman home. He picks up the rose. He appreciates them making the most of a difficult situation, even though it includes a free stay in a luxury hotel. He explains that he needs to make an emotional connection with the woman he spends his life, or at least three months, with.
Corinne gets the rose, indicating that Nick concluded her jeans were tighter. They ride away together in the little boat, making out with the alacrity of Ivanka Trump copying someone else’s shoe design. Corinne is vindicated, while Taylor does not get it. She returns to the voodoo ceremony, insisting that she is not a bully. The dancing chanters sprinkle water on her. Who knows what the hell it’s supposed to mean.
Corinne is so happy to have the rose, and even more to banish the negative energy Taylor brought. She never lets up, like no one in the media will confirm the actual size of her inaugural crowd. She reminds Nick how terrible Taylor is. Meanwhile, the show makes it look like Taylor took public transportation back from the bayou.
Suddenly, she appears beside Corinne and Nick. “I need to talk to you,” she intones.
To be continued . . .