Our first scandal of the season is a genuine fish tale. Reliable sources (not the Wall Street Journal) report Victoria F. was denied the opportunity to appear on the cover of the digital version of Cosmopolitan. It’s an even more tragic loss than breaking up with Chase Rice before he got to co-host the CMA awards.
The raven-haired vixen was granted the coveted gig during the group date in Costa Rica, when she and her bikini top proved worthy of being airbrushed for upload. The editor, however, put the kibosh on this dream shared by every vacuous millennial when she learned of a shameful advertising campaign Victoria had appeared in. At least it’s not as lurid as our First Lady’s early modeling work.
While for an admirable, if obscure, cause—saving endangered blue and white marlin, a game fish—Victoria posed in a t-shirt emblazoned with the words “White Lives Matter.” That’s some egregious Marlin Brando-ing. Maybe they thought “Whitefish Lives Matter” would confuse people who enjoy kosher deli food.
It’s hardly a revelation that Victoria F. has the IQ of a googly-eyed sea creature, which explains why Twitter wasn’t as vocal about the story as Mitt Romney’s impeachment trial vote or white lives mattering most at the Oscars. Nevertheless, Bachelor Nation has an obligation to know if its citizens are enabling animal rights groups who make PETA look like Schweitzer.
We’ll see tonight if the show even mentions this ugly episode in its already-checkered history. After all, it’s not petty and meaningless, like Victoria having previously dated a country singer or Alayah returning to the show for 15 minutes, all of it whiny.
In other, equally wowface-worthy news, Sydney has rejected allegations that she lied to Peter during their one-on-one date. Random busybodies are claiming she might not actually have been bullied in high school. It’s not exactly the Pentagon Papers, but look what we have to work with.
Tonight we’re off to Santiago, Chile for repetitive arguments, doubts, and misgivings on foreign soil. Peter informs us in Spanish that we’re here and it’s beautiful. He’s had his stitches removed by Chilean doctors. He’s glad about that, mostly because they have universal healthcare, but he’s concerned that the drama will persist as it does on all those Chicago-based shows on NBC.
Kelley sighs with boredom as Mykenna babbles on about her feelings. I like Kelley. She deserves to be on Jeopardy! Peter arrives to greet the group with hugs and glad cries. He makes a toast to looking for love in all the wrong countries.
There’s no date card as he invites Hannah Ann to explore the city with him. Everyone else is bummed. Natasha feels Hannah Ann is not ready for marriage, unless it’s to a CPA from Peoria.
Hannah Ann and Peter come upon a street band and then, as per usual, dance on the pavement and get a local treat to eat playfully while laughing. It’s like watching the opening credits of That Girl on a loop. A local older couple advise Peter in Spanish that Hannah Ann is young, beautiful, and shallow. The pair then take a ride up a mountainside to observe the view and discuss love the way Bert and Ernie discuss taking a bath.
Red flag: Hannah Ann has never been truly in love before with anyone but a poster of Liam Hemsworth. “It’s about a person’s heart and the direction of their heart and where they’re at,” she informs Peter, invoking the immortal words of Coleridge.
Peter decides her lack of a romantic history may mean she’s not ready for a long-term commitment. He brings to the relationship his extensive experience shtupping flight attendants in motels across the continental US.
She arrives for their evening date clad in white lace and promises. Peter is determined to get to know her on a deeper level, to see if she’s ready for a long-term commitment of about three months, plus any DWTS gigs.
“Today I was really able to envision a future with you,” Hannah Ann reports. She wants to broaden herself, unlike people who stay in the shallow waters of life. No superficiality for a gal whose bio says she still lives at home, and could watch HGTV all day and never get bored.
Yet Peter still questions the depth, or maybe it’s breadth, of her connection with him. When he walks away to brood over her reticence, she starts to cry. “I’m starting to fall in love with you,” she assures him when he rejoins her. Just since dinner? He embraces her. All that’s left is finding out her college major and favorite candy bar, and they can get married.
“I completely put myself out there,” Hannah Ann reports back to the camera. She’s been vulnerable and frank and as open as a 7-11 at two in the morning. Peter is impressed, and not just by her cleavage he can glimpse through the lace. He didn’t expect this breakthrough, which is nothing like the invention of the printing press.
Two dates cards arrive at the hotel. One’s a group date, and the other is a second one-on-one for Victoria F. A devastated Mykenna is about to blow like an unpierced hot dog in a microwave oven.
On the group date, Peter wants to see how passionate the girls are, so they’ll act in some scenes in a telenovella, presumably in English and with even more inane dialogue than the show usually has for them. The girls are cast in various roles for which they don appropriate costumes. Mykenna will play a maid. At least she can show Peter she knows how to mop.
The scenes feature Pedro the Pilot, hopefully not for Malaysian Airlines, being pursued by a variety of one-dimensional characters. It’s like Pepe LePew encountering a whole litter of consenting cats.
As night falls and the party begins, the girls are in a good mood. Even the room is dressed like them, in shiny metallics and bright satins with drapes that look like someone applied Moroccanoil Hydrating Styling Cream to the folds. When Peter arrives, he enthuses about the fictional encounters of the afternoon, but points out that now it’s real, just with fewer retakes.
He sits with Kelsey first. They’re both pleased that the trouble between them has been smoothed over, and things can proceed to making out.
Victoria P. hopes Peter can trust her again. He appears to be fine with her legs splayed across his lap. She wants to put Alayah behind them, but only figuratively. Peter understands how badly she wants “this,” and how ready she is. Then he says he doesn’t want to hurt her. Her ears prick up like a raccoon in the light of a suburban security cam.
Maybe she’s more secure about them as a couple than he is, Peter continues. “What are you trying to say?” Victoria asks with alarm. Despite her glasses, she didn’t see this coming. He explains again in single syllables: You no be wife to me. She tries to argue her case, but even Adam Schiff couldn’t convince him. She’s as over as Korvette’s record department.
Peter’s not good at letting a woman down gently. You’d think all the soft landings would have taught him something. But Victoria will hear none of his dreary, insincere apologies. She wants to leave stat, so he walks her to the limo.
Peter rejoins the group to share the news. The other girls try unsuccessfully to look sad, but only manage to not drinking a toast to Victoria P.’s departure. Peter soothes himself on Madison’s mouth. He has brought her a telenovella script to perform together, probably because his vocabulary doesn’t rival that of the See ‘n Say farmer’s.
Inside, the gals are fighting with Tammy again. Natasha believes she is focused solely on eliminating the other girls, much like the GOP not having primaries this year.
Mykenna tattles on Tammy to Peter. She wants him to know that she herself is here for the right reasons. He does not doubt her intentions, and she is reassured. Peter is now ready to give the rose to somebody who has him feeling really excited about the future, which is Madison. Mykenna is bereft again. Maybe she should try dying her hair brunette.
Time for Victoria F.’s date with Peter. They’re going to “embrace the country and see what it’s all about,” he explains, apparently believing it’s more then fields and trees. Victoria says she’s glad to have this time to themselves, immediately before a gaucho appears to teach them about horse relationships. No way Peter can perform better than a stallion, in a windmill or not.
Later, they chat while sitting in an old wagon. Victoria expresses her discomfort with all the other girls being around. Peter seems surprised at this issue, which arises on the show more often than lipstick marks on wine glasses. But what can he do? He signed a contract.
“I really am feeling very strongly about you,” he murmurs, as passionately as the robot warning Will Robinson of danger. But he wants her to be honest with both herself and him if she’s not able to continue as part of his harem. Maybe she needs some time away to model other offensive t-shirts.
That night, Peter acknowledges their intense chemistry, but is worried that Victoria has doubts about the times they’re not joining giblets. This must be resolved, and without the assistance of a Myers–Briggs Type Indicator. He tells Victoria his concerns. Why do her walls go up? Why is she sabotaging her chance to do it multiple times in the Fantasy Suite?
Victoria can’t articulate her feelings. To be fair, she can’t articulate her order at The Cheesecake Factory. She flees from his side, rushing into a restroom to whine at a crew member. I hope that person had a chance to wash her hands first. The mournful cries of the medical sales rep from Virginia Beach echo off the tile.
While the girls at the hotel continue their relentless analysis of who’s ready for a life with Peter, the man himself is mystified.He wants only a chance to be with Victoria, ideally while in their underwear. She soon returns to apologize for her uncertainty and lack of confidence. He vows to continue caring about her. I can hear that anytime from my primary care physician.
He gives her the rose, despite all the angst this chick creates. Maybe they can be interviewed for one of those Can This Marriage Be Saved? pieces in Ladies’ Home Journal. Victoria accepts, happy but still unsure why she is so reluctant to jump head first into the dark, murky lake that is Peter. Come on, it’s right there on page 237 of the script.
Back at the suite, a card arrives for Mykenna and Tammy. “Enough is enough,” it says. Peter wants to meet them before the cocktail party begins, or else he really likes that Donna Summer-Barbra Streisand song. Either way, it can’t be good.
Alone with each other, Mykenna defiantly lectures Tammy about her strength and pride, and how kindness always wins. It’s a scene in at least four Lifetime movie with Valerie Bertinelli. Peter then arrives. He has questions for the two of them, and it’s not about which Becky they prefer on Roseanne.
He goes off with Tammy first. She asserts that she has diligently “collected information” about Mykenna, possibly using an app developed by Shadow. She claims that Mykenna is merely building her brand, and is not interested in love or even Bachelor in Paradise.
Peter wants to know what Tammy herself is expecting. Probably more hits on her blog. “No girl with blond hair from Canada is going to stop me,” she says ominously. At least that’s a better slogan for a t-shirt.
When Mykenna gets to speak, she complains about Tammy attacking her and orchestrating drama. Peter cites Tammy’s accusation that she’s not there for the right reasons, and only seeks lucrative hashtags. “I’m speaking my damn truth,” Mykenna declares. #mydamntruth #mykennafrommykennada
Now for the Weber Report on this investigation. Peter believes Mykenna, so he’s sending Tammy packing. This pleases the other girls. Tammy doesn’t seem to mind much either. She hopes Hannah Ann will get to watch her flipping houses after this.
Peter arrives back to the group. He talks with Natasha, who seeks reassurance. He is not about the drama, he says, and dispatching Tammy was all about ending that. So now they only have to worry about Peter rejecting them for their personalities. Whew!
Victoria F. would now like to confirm that she’s all for knocking down walls, aside from the one at the border. Peter is delighted. That is all he wanted to hear from her. Maybe also if she’s up for reverse cowgirl, but there’s still time to address that.
They are now ready for the Rose Ceremony. Even at this late hour, though, Peter is not sure whom he will send home. Chris will probably give him a hat with all their names written on little pieces of paper inside.
The girls anxiously eye the four roses on the table. The first one goes to Kelsey, followed by Natasha. Vaguely Latino music plays as Peter gives the final rose to Kelley.
Mykenna’s emotional roller-coaster plunges downward in freefall. Sydney regrets that Peter did not get to see all of her, but the fact is, she didn’t let those walls down. Miley Cyrus was right. You need to come in like a wrecking ball.
Next week, it’s Lima, Peru for the same mishigosh, but with llamas.