Survivor — Season 29, Finale — Live Blog and Discussion

Jeff, however, thinks this was a great season. It did start out slow compared to others, though. This information comes as a relief to those of us newly introduced to the show, since it proves we haven’t just witnessed a phenomenon wherein millions of Americans have been captivated for 29 seasons by the dullest programming since the last CSPAN2 broadcast of a Senate Public Works Subcommittee meeting.

Jeff explains that the action suffered at the outset because the producers “cast a lot of people who didn’t know how to play.” Maybe it’s a trend, because several recent episodes of Wheel of Fortune had the same issue. Nevertheless, Jeff enjoyed watching the few savvier cast members get frustrated by the neophytes. Fortunately, there was just as much entertainment in watching him transform his face into a Formica countertop via regular encounters with the Restylane needle.

Jeff’s scintillating dialogue with People, which rivals David Sylvester’s 1963 interview with Francis Bacon for its in-depth evaluation of an artistic ouevre, also reveals that a cast member’s record of conniving, backstabbing, and general self-centeredness is considered a “resume.” The Turtle-waxed host further notes that Keith is a favorite to win tonight because he’s got a “great story,” one which essentially amounts to “I’m stupid as a stump, but I still managed to hang on to the last challenge,” spoken like Br’er Rabbit. Survivor merely appears to be about one-dimensional people climbing on painted wooden structures while wearing branded bandannas; in fact, the show creates heroes for our time.

For tonight’s live episode with a studio audience of enthusiastic applauders, Jeff tells us we can tweet him while they watch the results. Include #survivorfinale in your tweet, along with #comeonnataliewon, #shutupjeffyouenbalmedfreak, #getoveryourselvestheyreshootingupschoolsinpakistan. Following the rhapsodic introduction is a recap of the entire season that shows us how much heavier and barbered everyone was at the beginning. One by one, we watch loved ones “ripped” from the game, people confronting each other haughtily, and emotionally fraught moments, although those are mostly during the holiday-themed commercials.

As the new taped episode begins, five bedraggled original cast members remain: Missy and Baylor, the mother/daughter pair described as having stuck together through Missy’s “multiple” divorces, which have been consistently referred to with such shocked disdain that you’d presume she were the Hollywood veteran and the producers were church deacons; Natalie, the nose-ringed operator who gained the courage to make big moves only once her sister was voted off, or gained the insight to tell that story only once she saw it would work in her favor; Jaclyn, who previously dominated the game with boyfriend Jon, but now is on her own and must rely on her wits, agility, and inability to reproduce to carry her to the finish; and Keith, the clueless underdog who outlasted his cloddish son, and claims his positive mental attitude is the key to his survival, while those of us at home were thinking all along that his mental attitude was more along the lines of Ethan Frome.

After the Tribal Council, Jaclyn is understandably upset at the departure of Jon, since no one else is as monosyllabic as she is. She yells at the others for voting him off. She thinks no one would ever say bad things about him in “real life.” Let’s hope she doesn’t read anything online when she gets back to civilization. Natalie worries now about trusting Missy and Baylor, which seems wise since they are both unreliable and annoying. Keith is silent, presumably exhibiting his positive mental attitude.

With four days left, Baylor and Missy plot to arrange for the two of them and Natalie to be the final three. Missy seems less certain about it, though, because of her fractured foot which is now clad with a plaster cast. Three divorces is nothing compared to how itchy it gets under one of those things.

The Reward Challenge dawns. Jeff taunts Missy and her disability, which puts her out of the running to play. They must gather up a coil of rope wrapped around painted wooden structures, then start building a bridge with pegs set along a raised ramp, after which they collect a sack of sandbags and use them to knock a pile of wooden bricks off a table. It’s not exactly Jeopardy! over there.

They’re playing for an advantage that will help land the person in the final four. Missy can’t compete, Jeff acknowledges, but he assures her she’s still in the game. He likes her because she looks older than him.

Keith finishes his bridge first and starts tossing sandbags. The women are not even close behind. He wins handily, having the advantage of being a big, dumb troglodyte.  “Ah’m keeleen ayet,” he pants in victory. Jeff gives him some kind of notice to read in private to find out his advantage. Who will he send to Exile Island? More importantly, is it an actual island, or just some beach a hundred feet down from the one where the rest of the crew is? After Jeff ominously explains the disadvantage of being away from the bickering and infighting for a night, Keith decides he can’t send the hobbling Missy, and chooses Jaclyn, since she is crippled only by infertility.

“Getting beat by a 55-year-old man is not easy to take,” Natalie pronounces, unwisely alienating a large portion of the viewing audience who have plenty of disposable income.

Back at the studio, Jeff shows everyone a half-bowl of rice, which is all the cast members get to eat every day. Then he compares it to a display of what the average U.S. citizen eats every day, a gluttonous food-court extravaganza of french fries, pizza, and cheeseburgers. “This is from the USDA,” he assures us about the purported daily diet of your typical Fatso-American, or at least the ones who aren’t on Jenny Craig. He gives the tiny portion of rice to some little girl in the audience and tells her that’s all she gets for the night. A shame, as she prefers having her sushi with wasabi.

On Exile Island, Missy approaches the Pier 1 vase to find the same clue everyone else got. She cries piteously, explaining that she got “diagnosed with not being able to have kids” early in life and since then has struggled to overcome the setback. She must win for her and Jon, so they can donate the money to finding a cure–whoops.

Baylor resents Keith’s win. She probably also hates losing to a guy old enough to be her mother’s fifth husband. She, Missy, and Natalie plot desultorily to destroy him. Meanwhile, Keith goes off to read his reward note. It tells him that a private table has been delivered for him to practice for the next challenge. A hearty meal with some protein might have been more useful. The table holds a kind of Rube Goldberg contraption with wire metal tubes, cones, and wooden paddles. He’s determined to master the transfer of balls from one end to the other of this latest MOMA installation by the prop department, and “gyit thayet nackluss.” But  it doesn’t seem promising .since it appears he would not be particularly adept at dialing a rotary phone.

Evaluating her choices, Natalie may decide to go with Keith and Jaclyn instead of Missy and Baylor for her alliance. She has an idol, so she’s safe for now, but as for who goes home tonight, well, it’s anyone’s guess except for the producers.

Time for the Immunity Challenge. Missy has used someone’s old sneaker to cover her cast and allow her to stand, so she thinks she can participate. They have to transfer three balls through the tabletop obstacle course. Missy and Baylor are doing well, Keith not so much, so they can build some suspense before we go to commercial. Then Keith is finally moving through, and has one ball in its final spot. I guess he can balance inert masses well since he’s had to carry Wes for years. Jaclyn glares at him, flexing her bust. Keith now has two balls deposited. The women are all terrible at this challenge. Maybe that explains why Missy’s marriages were such failures.

Keith wins. He is guaranteed a spot in the final four. Triumphant music swells, like at the end of Schindler’s List only without the conquering of the Nazis. Back in the studio, the live audience expresses approval. Young Austin, a child whose wishes are pretty banal, is there through the Make-A-Wish foundation. He and his family flew to Nicaragua and endured the bugs and heat before the child made a pitch for a challenge that the cast did last week. “I just wanted to help the show,” he says.

At camp, Keith, Missy and Baylor are convinced Jaclyn is going home. They tell Natalie they aren’t voting for her.  Jaclyn knows her goose is cooked, or her snail is boiled. But she isn’t going down without a fight.  Natalie is concerned about making a big move and possibly voting for Missy or Baylor. Keith is relying on his positive mental attitude.

The Council convenes. Jaclyn worries about having no one to trust. Keith, with his usual charm, describes the “catfight” after the last council. Missy is confident because she knows who has the idol. Jaclyn had no idea anyone had one. Missy thinks smugly that Jaclyn should just give up, it’s over. Actually, I think there’s the explanation for the failed marriages.

After the voting, Natalie steps forward to play her idol–but as she presents it, she says, “It’s for Jaclyn.” Baylor looks shocked. “I knew I liked her,” Jon murmurs. Jaclyn thanks her profusely. The three votes for Jaclyn do not count, so Baylor is out. She and Missy hug tearfully. Missy will cut a bitch later. But Baylor is not mad, she claims. She feels it was a really good move on Natalie’s part. Hate the game, not the player, that’s Baylor’s motto. Also, When in doubt, look vacuous and no one will know.

“That is how you play Survivor,” Jeff exhorts the studio audience as they recover from the stunning move made by Natalie. He talks with devoted fans about the irresistible lure of the painted wooden structures. Children watch the show with their parents; long-distance lovers bond while sharing seasons over the phone; a gay guy has never missed an episode even when he’s changed jobs, boyfriends, and facial hairstyles with the years. The show owns them all. Jeff laughs devilishly.

The return to camp is edged with tension. Natalie explains that it was dangerous to trust two loved ones. “It’s the individual’s game,” she tells Keith. And they say women don’t make good CEOs.

Missy is bereft. She’s okay, though, because she didn’t want to write her child’s name down on a voting ballot. They do say women don’t make good CEOs. Jaclyn and Natalie discuss the plan to ally with Missy instead of Keith.

Another day, another idiotic Immunity Challenge. They must race down a giant ziggurat-shaped tower, and maneuver back and forth through different obstacles collecting bags of pieces to a puzzle, which will be missing three pieces when completed. Those pieces will have the numbers they need to solve a combination lock and raise the winning flag. Jeff believes Missy can’t participate. His role as host is so critical.

Jaclyn is last as things progress, Natalie holding a slight lead. Splinters must be an issue. The wind gusts, probably from an industrial-grade wind machine, as they complete the obstacle course and begin to solve the puzzle, which is the logo from the show. Everything is branded these days. “You last long enough, Survivor will kick your butt,” Jeff gloats. It certainly has wreaked havoc with his hair.

As they all work on the puzzle, it’s down to hand-eye coordination. Jaclyn is doing well. “I’d written her off,” Jeff marvels as she completes the puzzle first. It’s really more that he gave Keith credit for not being a halfwitted clodhopper. She heads back down the fire pole and falls splat, but recovers. Natalie follows soon after. Jaclyn has her shapes and number right, like in nursery school, and rushes back to spin the combination lock, raising her flag. Natalie embraces her. She is final three.  How will the votes go? Can someone write in Pat Paulsen?

This was Jaclyn’s first win of any challenge.  This is just like American Idol. You can sing like an asthmatic donkey all season and land in the bottom three every single results night, but there you are on the final show, poised to take home the whole thing on the basis of one good rendition of Saving All My Love For You. Keith tries to pitch to her, saying he has a better chance with her and Natalie than with Missy, who will have Baylor’s vote. Won’t he have Wes’s? Natalie still thinks they should get rid of Keith, but then I’ve been advocating for that since the first spit.

Jaclyn asks Missy if she would ever vote for Natalie.  Jaclyn realizes she’s grateful to Natalie for the idol, but since she’s also the best player, she should be stopped. “If your gut’s talking to you, you should listen,” Missy advises, then continues, “What would Jon say?” So Missy is suggesting Jaclyn listen to both her gut and a parasite.

Time for Council. Jeff has the same shirt in several colors, like Ina Garten does. Does Natalie expect reciprocation from Jaclyn for her generous and canny donation of her idol? “It would be a nice gesture,” she replies demurely. Jaclyn remembers that Natalie also blindsided Jon, though. Natalie says Keith is charismatic. “Ah lak thayet,” he says, probably thinking charismatic means smart. The voting begins.

Keith, Missy, Keith, Keith. Guess he wasn’t such a favorite after all. Gurl power!! Baylor and Jon knock fists like the Obamas. Now it’s up to the jury to choose the Sole Survivor tomorrow night. In between, there will be a slumber party with manicures and phony phone calls to cute boys.

Back at the studio, Jeff says Keith was most impressed with his visit to the spa in Nicaragua. Then we meet Dana, Keith’s wife, who says they’ve been together 30 years, and married for 25. Was Wes the reason why they had to get married? Dana didn’t like that Keith told Missy “how to raise her baby.” Jeff tells her people have also asked about all the spitting. “What you see is what you get,” she reports. Poor Dana. She should consult Missy about handling a husband who falls down on the job.

There is celebration among the remaining three women. They receive fruit and champagne for the final breakfast. In a symbolic tribute to the conquered men, they all eat bananas.

Jaclyn feels she was underestimated from the beginning. If she wins, she will use the money to start a family with Jon. But the title means more to her, because it would inspire all the other girls who have her medical condition. If you are infertile and need emotional support, you should spend 39 days on a desert island climbing painted wooden structures and bickering with strangers.

Now it’s time for the jury to make their decision. Let’s hope they’re not like certain grand juries recently in the news. Missy begins to make her case. She compares the group’s role to that of juries on a murder trial, because their decision will affect the rest of her life, the only difference being that no victims are dead, she is not at risk for imprisonment, and society will condemn her only for being a jackass. She explains how she is not a quitter, even with a broken foot and an inability to make appropriate analogies. In fact, only when she gets married does she quit. She played the game with integrity, dignity, and loyalty, that is, when she actually did play, and only when the dignity part wasn’t compromised by that awful bikini top with the fringe.

Jaclyn’s feels her case is made most strongly from a point of whining. She tells the jury she felt really alone and targeted from day one, and bitches about everything that went wrong. Her journey through the game is like a metaphor for her life, which has been distinguished by her tragic diagnosis. She has triumphed from turning a negative to a positive, apparently endorsing the exploitation of one’s medical condition for  fame and monetary gain.

Meanwhile, Natalie tells the group that she should win because she has outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted everyone else. Baylor is mesmerized. I think she’s in love. Natalie is proud and honored to be there, pleading her case, since she feels she was the right person to go home instead of Keith. There’s a right person? Or just the person who’s the least conniving?

Jon starts the interrogation segment. He giggles to Jaclyn, “What was a big decision you made that had big impact?” Aside from getting the the implants, of course. She says it was her vote for Josh. Jon likes that answer, or maybe he just likes seeing her cleavage again after a few days alone.

Apparently still unaware of how the game is played, Keith asks Natalie how she feels that her last words to him were a lie. She was very rational that she had to play the game to win, which required deceit and trickery. He wants Survivor to not demand lying and alliances of its contestants, which would be like asking Iron Chef America to eliminate any cooking.

Alec asks Natalie what her big move was, because he couldn’t come up with a question that hadn’t been asked two minutes earlier. She says it was voting him off. He’s impressed. He then turns his Morley Safer-style interviewing skills on Missy: “You claim to be the mother in this game,” he says, and wants to know how that affected the outcome. She says she feels she could control people’s actions that way. Paging Dr. Freud.

Baylor is thrilled for everyone. She reminds her mom that their lives together have been like a giant game of Survivor, as they’ve hobbled together through crises, been blindsided, and had men, probably half-dressed, too, coming in and out of their lives. But this is the most incredible thing her mom has ever done. Triumphant music swells as Baylor resolves to emulate her mom, and never accomplish anything of actual value.

Josh is envious of the final three. He asks if Jaclyn feels she deserves to be there by merit or was it a result of the decisions of others. Josh has been watching. Jaclyn bridles. She believes it was merit. He wants to know one move that was hers alone. “Voting you out,” she seethes, failing to note that others had to vote for him, too.

Wes wants to know what it was like playing with their loved ones. Missy wouldn’t have it any other way, especially since she divorced all her other loved ones. Jaclyn thinks of it as “a communication thing” for her and Jon, since they rarely had so many opportunities to squabble, be petty, and misunderstand each other as they did during their time on San Juan Del Sur. Natalie has been separated from her sister for longer than ever before, but she is proud of reaching this goal by herself, and expects to have more endorsement deals as a result.

Jeremy insists the best player is going to win, and apparently it wasn’t him. He thinks Natalie deserves the credit. “Don’t be mad,” he advises the others reasonably.

Reed tells Natalie he loved watching her game play. He also liked Jaclyn, kind of. Then, in an admirable effort to create a viral clip for tomorrow’s internet rounds, he accuses Missy of being, not the benevolent maternal figure she claims, but the wicked stepmother. She spoiled her own child at the expense the others, took things she wasn’t entitled to, didn’t pull her weight, and abused the help, meaning the minority alliances–who now have the power to punish her. He really hates her. He also practiced this speech, probably with his acting coach on Skype. The coldly delivered diatribe makes Baylor cry, but then what doesn’t.

The jury now can cast their votes for Sole Survivor and the million-dollar check that probably nets the person $350,000. Jon votes for Jaclyn, Jeremy for Natalie, and Baylor for Missy, while Alec probably votes for Jeff. Reed just contracted a hitman for Missy. Jeff announces he will see them all back in the U.S. for the reading of the votes, and walks off among the tiki torches.

Back at the studio, he carries the ballot jug to the center of the set while everyone applauds. The women, dressed to the nines, hold hands in anticipation of the ruling.  First vote is for Jaclyn, Natalie, Jaclyn, Missy, Natalie, Natalie. The audience seems to want her. And she wins. She and her twin run to hug their family in the audience, who ask if that’s enough already with the reality shows and will they now get jobs. Jeff announces how in the next segment, they’ll discuss the season, including how Josh and Reed, an “openly gay Christian couple,” have changed lives. Reed sure has had an impact on somebody. And don’t forget that imuch-needed regionalism that Keith and Wes showed the parts of America that aren’t regional.

Sorry, I can’t watch the reunion.  I can only take doses of these people when they’re broken up with shots of monkeys, snakes, and surf breaking on the beach. Until next season! Thanks for chatting.