So many of us have no idea what the hell all the strategizing on Survivor means, how the participants devise their plots to gain allies, or why anyone agrees to side with anyone else, since apparently none of it is based on anything practical like whether the person is good at winning challenges or gutting fish. Fortunately, this analysis of last week’s episode explains the complicated workings of Josh’s plan to prevail and how it all fell apart for him, resulting in his departure after Tribal Council. Unfortunately, now that we understand how it worked, we care even less than we did when we were confused.
According to the interview, “there seemed to be a pretty clear split between the people who were genuine fans of the game and people who didn’t know anything,” suggesting that reality show contestants are so desperate to appear on TV that they apply to be on shows that they have never watched. We are also introduced to the term “alliance maintenance,” which is defined as including people in “strategy talk and other things,” and “treat[ing] everyone with respect.” This is exactly how John Kerry describes his meetings with leaders in the Middle East.
Illuminating the nuances of last week’s events, Josh offered this pithy assessment:
Well, unfortunately there was nothing that Reed or I could have done because before in the original Coyopa, Jaclyn wasn’t even a part of the alliance and then all of a sudden we got down there, after the fourth person got voted out, Drew, once we did the Tribe Swap, Jon and Jaclyn were together and Reed and I weren’t on their tribe, so we had no say in what was going on in that tribe and we won both times, so we never ever went to Tribal, therefore that put Jon and Jaclyn in a position where they were already, because of their earlier positions in the game, they became the middle people at the new Coyopa.
It’s all so simple, see?
Twilight over Huyopa, night 21. The tribe members hug and ask Reed how he’s doing now that Josh has been gone for 45 minutes. Jon explains that he came over to Jeremy’s side after his instincts told him that the other guys treating Jaclyn badly was wrong. He always trusts his instincts, although he probably should have ignored the one that compelled him to chose that nose out of the cosmetic surgeon’s book. As for Keith, he doesn’t know whom to trust and may rely on his idol. “Eight’s crownch tahm nayow,” he observes sagely. Of course, on a show where someone is eliminated every week, crunch time comes as regularly as commercials for ExtenZe on late-night cable, but acknowledging that wouldn’t make the show very exciting.
Time for the first Reward Challenge. Two teams will face off, each member balancing on a wobbly suspended board and trying to knock someone else off into a large mud puddle. What a parable for modern day politics. Also, the production team probably went on a bender the night before and wasn’t up to building a big contraption this time.
The teams are vying to win a cruise on a yacht with sandwiches. “Pastrami,” Jeff utters sonorously, which is the proper tone to adapt when invoking delicious cured deli meats. However, it’s unlikely they can match the quality of Katz’s down there in the jungle.
Wes, Missy, Jon, Jaclyn, and Keith are against everyone else in this challenge. Rain starts to fall, heightening the ick factor of the mud. Reed faces Wes first, with Wes flopping into the muck first. Natalie takes on Jaclyn next. Jaclyn’s breasts heave and jiggle impressively before Natalie pushes her off the board to advance the male viewing audience’s fantasies of naked mud wrestling. Then Jon is up against Jeremy and his tight shorts; the shorts stay on but Jeremy falls off quickly. Baylor must face her mom next, with Missy going off the board fairly quickly.
Keith is now against Alec. Apparently knowledgeable about maintaining your balance on a wobbly board, Reed advises from the sidelines,”Keep your core tight.” Keith wins that round. He seems like a guy whose core is rarely loose.
Now Reed is against Wes again. Reed gets mud in his eye and goes in. Jaclyn and Natalie board the board again; Jaclyn loses again. Her enormous implants must throw off her balance. Jon and Jeremy face off, with Jeremy losing again. I hope he doesn’t fall off ladders this easily. The final match is Baylor against her mom again. Missy lurches for Baylor and falls into the muck, a bitter reminder of how youth and vitality will always prevail over age and wisdom, except in this case, Missy’s really not all that wise.
The yellow team wins the boat ride and the sandwiches. Natalie steps forward and asks to give up her winning position–and her sandwiches–to Jon. She’s rewarding his loyalty, she claims. Or she hates pastrami. Everyone is impressed and suspicious in equal parts. Now, who will be exiled? It’s Jeremy, who because of all the mud all over him and his tight shorts, looks naked as he walks away. I’ll take it.
The losing team goes back to camp to wash off the mud and eat fire-roasted tarantula for dinner instead of corned beef on rye with Gulden’s. Is it really worth a million dollars, I ask you? Natalie discusses how giving her spot to Jon will work in her favor. This broadcasts that it won’t work at all. Wes fears being “hashtag blindsided.” Wes is kind of an idiot.
Meanwhile, on the island, Jeremy reads his clue. He wants to use the idol as security for everyone, somehow. I give up trying to understand this whole thing.
On the boat, the gloating winners are having a ball, socking back drinks and chowing down. Reed is dismissive of Natalie’s motives for ceding her spot to Jon. Jon and Jaclyn just keep smooching and being all lovey-dovey. I’m dismissive of their sense of dignity.
Jeremy hates exile. It’s not fun. That’s what Napoleon said, too. He didn’t find an idol before giving up to sleep on rocks among a lot of bugs, and tries again in the morning. He wonders if Jon found it. Meanwhile, Jon surmises whether Jeremy will figure out that he found it. What will happen when Jeremy returns knowing this? Uh, what will happen? Does anyone actually know, or is every concept rhetorical?
The Immunity Challenge begins, after the return of Jeremy. Ever the charming host, Jeff remarks on how awful he looks after his rough night. Like Jeff is such an oil painting.
They must each unspool a rope that drops a bunch of blocks into a basket, then assemble the blocks into a puzzle–using only their feet! Can Jaclyn even see hers? They’re really testing their core on this one, Jeff explains. Their cores get quite a workout on this episode. Anyway, you’d think this was more of a test of their ankles.
The puzzle consists of stacking the large colored blocks in circular levels by size. That’s why, to be eligible for the show, all contestants must have completed at least one year of kindergarten. Baylor and Reed are neck and neck to finish first. She achieves it, and must now place a flag in the hole in the middle block, no sexual innuendo intended. She manages it, really testing her foot-eye coordination on this one. She wins the hideous immunity necklace, which looks painful to wear.
“That was insane,” says Alec, although he’s probably done weirder things under the influence of shrooms. Reed is bummed, as he thought the foot exercise was custom-made for him. After all, he uses his feet every day.
Despite his misgivings about going through other people’s property, Reed has gone through Keith’s bag and found the note about the immunity idol rules. Keith should have kept that in his shorts to be certain no one would ever find it. Ever. Reed confides in Jaclyn and Missy. They do not express any misgivings about going through other people’s property. Keith knows they know about this idol, and tells Wes that he has misgivings about going through other people’s property. “Darfernt pypul got darfernt veilyouse, Ah gayus,” he concludes.
Jaclyn tells Jon about Reed finding the note. Jeremy tells Natalie that he believes Jon has an idol, and accuses Jon of setting something up based on this situation. He confronts Jon about having the idol. Jon demures, but he suspects Jeremy knows. He reveals to Missy that he found the idol and now fears Jeremy. She’s intrigued, but feels Jaclyn and he can’t be trusted. This is like the plot of Le Nozze di Figaro, only without the beautiful music and dynamic libretto. When do these people have any time to hunt for food?
The first member of the jury is introduced at Council. It’s Josh, who looks smug. Jeff asks Jeremy how important trust is. Is there any circumstance where distrust is preferable? Jaclyn is asked how Natalie’s sacrifice of deli treats affected the balance of relationships. Reed considers it a self-serving move, but admits it has impact. Missy agrees that Jeremy did not have a restorative experience in exile. Jeff asks Jon if somebody has an idol. He is confident someone does. Jaclyn guesses that Wes or Keith have an idol. The four of them bicker about alliances. Keith believes he occasionally talks to the women when he passes them on the beach. These interviews are more mesmerizing than David Frost and Nixon. The most entertaining moment is when Jeff characterizes what is transpiring as a “conversation.”
Finally, it’s time to vote. We’re led to believe it’s down to Keith or Reed. Will Keith play his idol? Everyone holds their breath. He does not. Three votes for Reed, two for Keith, four for Jeremy, and with one left. . .Jeremy is out. Natalie is shocked. Missy is dismayed. Alec is either pleased or brain-damaged.
“Never give up. Anything can happen,” Jeff advises. Words of wisdom for all of us, or at least all of us on reality shows that make no damn sense at all.
