Since last week was a rare occasion when I was away from the warm bosom of my television, I did due diligence and watched Episode 5 so as to be properly prepared to blog tonight. This exercise merely served to confirm my presumption that every episode of Survivor is EXACTLY THE SAME: equal parts attractive but raggedy-looking people alternately wandering around the beach and speaking earnestly into the camera about feelings; athletic competitions involving burlap sacks, painted wooden structures, and clouds of dust; and toothpaste commercials. Also, everyone in the cast has developed a proclivity for using the term “loved one” as if it were as routine a way to describe a person as “fameho.”
The show tried to mix things up by scrambling the team members so that some “loved ones” ended up playing for the same side, which meant they could just name the episode “Blood vs. Blood,” as opposed to the previous week’s “Blood vs. Water,”and head out early for beers. After some intense analysis of what it meant for Keith be the only non-paired person on his team (“Ayet code bay ah gode thang oh ayet code bay ah bayad thang”), a reunited Reed and Josh smooched a number of times before reminding us of their pledge to remain chaste before marriage and everyone got covered with mud so that they resembled a National Geographic documentary about the Mandé people of Burkina Faso. Finally, Kelley was banished from the island by her Coyopa teammates, largely because no one knew her well enough to spell her name with the second “E.”
To avoid confusion this week, here are the rearranged team rosters:
New Hunahpu
Josh (gay guy from New York who sunburns easily)
Reed (other gay guy from New York who probably waxes)
Wes (firefighter son with hair like Jimmy Neutron)
Alec (the inspiration for Sean Penn’s character in Fast Times at Ridgemont High)
Jeremy (firefighter with G.I. Joe abs)
Julie (Rocker’s bitter, silicon-filled girlfriend)
Natalie (Nadiya’s twin with the nose piercing, which how does she keep it sterile in this environment?)
New Coyopa
Dale (crusty old farmer with a nose off a Roman coin)
Missy (thrice-married mom apparently going through some kind of peri-menopausal crisis)
Baylor (daughter of Missy apparently going through some kind of PMS crisis)
Jaclyn (Jon’s girlfriend who must really miss her eyebrow pencil)
Jon (cloddish frat boy who probably consults with Reed about waxing)
Keith (crusty old firefighter who adds regionalism to the show)
So the first team is mostly singles, like my wallet most days, and the second is mostly pairs of loved ones. There are also three women on one team and two on the other. How fortunate that the blind selection of buffs resulted in such a balanced assignment of genders.
Post-recap, we watch some animals react to a thunderstorm roiling over San Jun del Sur –the frog seems positively bored–and learn that Dale is utterly devastated that Kelley was voted off. I wonder how he reacted when he found out she lost her virginity. He’s also convinced he’s the next to go. He has a fake idol that he shows to Jon, who is worried it will ruin their plans. This is the overriding concern of a man who has been subsisting on plain rice for two weeks.
Over in the blue camp, they’re nervous about the weather putting out their fire and that they’re almost out of food. “Pah,” Jeremy essentially says. “Who needs food? I fight fires in skyscrapers on just a donut and coffee, you pantywaists.” But because they have only a little bit of rice to their names, the others want to try another trade with Jeff.
The host arrives to gloat at their dilemma. Only one other time did a team “need their rice replenished,” he states accusingly, adding “What does it say about this tribe?” Except it’s not the same members who didn’t conserve the food supply, so what does that say about Jeff’s powers of deduction. He asks Josh, who is new to the tribe, what he thinks. He risks controversy by expressing a stance against not having enough to eat.
Jeff hammers home how pathetic the Hunahpus are, first losing their flint and now nearly riceless. Worse, he has to keep saying “pu” when he refers to them. But he notes that they have prevailed in the competitions. He will give them rice–but in exchange for everything they won in the comfort prize and most of their tools. This devil’s contract leaves them only with a machete, a pot, and the flint. Jeff would make a dandy tyrannical despot.
Jeremy is infuriated that everyone’s wussiness over a little starvation has resulted in this massive blow to the team’s arsenal of survival tools. Julie is really going to miss the tarp because she doesn’t like being cold. Maybe she should try putting on some clothes.
Now the teams gather at the game site, and the other side learns that Kelley was voted out. “Oh, my God,” murmurs Baylor, naturally disturbed by the loss of yet another wide-eyed, bikini-clad ingenue type from the cast. The rules of the game are described. Blindfolds, climbing, ties, sacks, puzzles, whatever the hell. They never get to just play a Scrabble tournament. The prize is a barbecue! Lovely Carol Merrill is here to tell you about it.
Reed is going up against Baylor, which is interesting because those are both colleges. Blindfolded with their branded bandannas, they crawl through the wooden obstacle course to collect some burlap sacks full of puzzle pieces, which they then try to fit together to create a faux-Incan-looking mask that resembles something from the clearance section at Pier I. Reed is great at feeling along with his hands.
Jeff narrates as the two struggle to complete the puzzle: “Reed places a piece. . .Baylor has three pieces left. . .Reed replaces a piece, but is it the right one?” It’s as compelling a television event as Cronkhite reporting developments following JFK’s assasination.
Reed wins. His team rejoices as he bursts into helpless tears. That’ll happen when you remain chaste until marriage. Baylor is tearful, too. “Is it because you feel you let your tribe down?” Jeff suggests, realizing that she is incapable of articulating such a profound concept. Well, she did let them down. Who will go to Exile Island with her? Reed chooses Julie, probably because nobody would miss her, but Natalie volunteers to go instead. He agrees to let her. Missy looks bereft. The blue team gleefully carts off their Weber Grill. The joke will be on them when they discover they did not win charcoal briquets and lighter fluid.
Back at camp, Keith tries some fishing while Jon, Missy, and Julie discuss how the grizzled old geezer has no staying power. On Exile Island, Natalie explains that she hopes her volunteering for this gig will prove something, but to who and why, it’s not clear. Baylor shows her her note about the idol. Natalie feels she can trust Baylor if she can trust Missy, but isn’t this an example of Baylor trusting Natalie? None of this strategy ever makes any sense.
The Hunahpus are enjoying shish kebabs cooked on their grill. When Reed and Josh hug it out over the meat, Jeremy frowns on their lovey-dovey behavior, which he feels, for some reason, is not strategic. Everyone loves the food, though. Continuing his streak of orneriness, Jeremy points out that if they had just waited a day, they would have had the food and all of their gear. Maybe a nice Merlot to go with the dinner, too.
A storm rages that night, soaking the survivors as they huddle under their shelter. Julie is crying bitterly. She’s so overwhelmed by the raging downfall that she might quit. Personally, the snakes and lack of hygienic bathroom facilities would have been my breaking point long ago.
Time for the Immunity Challenge. Natalie and Baylor return to applause, and the game is explained. Again, lots of climbing and jumping and pushing a large wooden structure along the sand before completing a puzzle. They have to grab a number of bags full of things, too, as it appears the show got a good bulk deal on orange and blue burlap sacks of varying sizes.
The blue team is the victor yet again, finishing their puzzle first. Coyopa returns to camp, and everyone starts the mindless discussion of who will be voted off. Ultimately, Dale seems to be the one who will be ousted. He’s got that fake idol, though, which he offers to give away, but it’s not explained why he won’t use it himself. No one knows if it’s real anyway. On the other hand, Jon remarks, they could vote to throw out Missy. Why? This is like listening to a meeting of my local community board. Then there’s talk of alliances, merging, and power couples. Are they on Wall Street now?
At the Tribal Council, Jeff questions Dale about the agony of having a loved one voted off, which is so much more devastating than losing the game, and suggesting that none of these people have ever had their loved ones go on a vacation without them. He then asks Baylor about being on the island. “I mean,” she starts her reply, adding that it felt like being lost in a store without your mom. Missy feels bad that she wasn’t there, since most 20-year-olds need their moms to take care of them. Did Jon feel Dale was offering to do something, who knows what, their garble is so vague. Dale is concerned that he must now put his faith in the same people who voted his daughter off, since the show seems to be asserting the theory that “loved ones” are monolithic entities without individual characteristics, similar to members of the Klan. Jaclyn talks about loyalty. When has there been time, opportunity, or, for that matter, cause to be disloyal?
The march of the voters begins, and Dale and his nose are goners. Missy looks pleased. Jaclyn and Jon giggle together. Dale must head back to the farm, where Kelley and the cows are waiting with swollen udders.
