Putting the Fear in Fabulous
As you may recall, last episode ended with the second set of queens returning from their first runway to find the Original Six waiting for them. Courtney does an adorable double-take and there is a short stand-off edited to look like the calm just before an epic battle.
Then Trinity throws her arms open and runs to hug the other queens. Everything is smiles and kisses for a minute or two. Adore greets Courtney by pointing out their association by Idol. Courtney pretends to think Adore was on Season One of American Idol, something Adore pretends to find highly offensive.
But it’s Gia Gunn who fires the first shot in the War of the Hoeses when she comments, “You all look… good?” Her sarcasm is duly noted by Courtney, whose “cough like a man” is noted by Gia. Then Miss Bianca fires a machine-gun barrage of shade, including calling Gia “Miss Kimora Lee Kardashian,” and we’re off to commercial.
The next day, RuPaul mixes it up by making one queen from the Originals pair up with a queen from the Others. It’s not hard because the queens seem to be intermixed and they just grab the one they’re already hugging. The mini-challenge is to make a single beach girl out of two queens. One playing the torso and one playing the legs (or “top” and “bottom”). That hybrid queen then lip-synchs a song.
Laganja and Courtney are up first. The only problem is that Courtney is so used to being a bottom that the word “top” sticks in her throat. But they do fine.
Adore and Milk are declared the winners. That may be because Adore seems to relate to her “legs” in an amazingly funny way. Or it may be because of Milk’s enormous package. I can’t really tell.
The prize is to pick and lead a team in a screen test for a horror film. Milk picks first and ends up choosing every single one of the Others queens. Adore picks second and gets all the Original queens. RuPaul notes that they are sticking with their original sisters. This may turn into a season-long story arc. Like the Heathers vs. Team Talent from Season Three.
The films are Drag Race to Hell, set in the 1960s, and Drag Race to Hell 5, set in the 1980s. Other than the names of the characters, the scripts are almost identical. Adore runs into some casting problems on her team. April is given the role of the butch realtor, but the looks on Ben and Gia’s faces show both skepticism and terror at the decision. Vivacious wants the role of the mother, but Adore gives it to Ben, leaving Vivacious with the role of “Head in a Box.”
That’s the role Darienne Lake is given on Team Milk. She takes the thankless part with good humor and grace. Trinity declares herself an “acting virgin,” and yet she is given the character with the most lines. Her line readings are so flat, Courtney suggests she try playing the character more “ghetto.” Trinity rolls her eyes at the Australian telling the black girl to play ghetto, but she doesn’t have any ideas of her own.
During the filming (which RuPaul and Michelle direct), Trinity does give her character some ghetto sass. Unfortunately, she does it by constantly turning upstage. RuPaul finally has to come on set to show her why it’s a problem not to face the camera. Trinity decides that this is an humiliating new low for a contestant on the show.
So, Trinity is kind of a problem. But Team Adore has problem after problem. Michelle takes issue with April’s butchness. Gia is wooden, and both she and Adore forget their lines. Adore screws up revealing Vivacious’s head in the box, and Vivacious can’t get through her lines. The only bright spot is BenDeLaCreme, who brings life to the role of the dusty old mother. “Everything comes on my back,” Adore whines, bemoaning her leadership role.
At this point in the show, I am seriously worried about April. Not that she’s worse than her team mates, but I have this awful feeling she’s going to be in the bottom with Gia — and I know Gia will turn it out for a lip-synch. Plus, the show is going to want to keep Gia around just for the confessionals.
On elimination day, the queens prepare their best drag looks. As they make up, Vivacious gives a short lecture about the history of club kids. Club kids wore all kinds of crazy costumes. Not like today, where the goal is to be “fishy” (i.e., to be able to pass as a woman). Vivacious mentions Amanda LePore, Lee Bowery, and someone who came to the club once dressed as furnace — complete with flames coming of their mid-section.
On the other end of the spectrum, Trinity’s ultimate goal is to become a Beyonce illusionist in Las Vegas. Bianca points out the difficulty in impersonating Beyonce: you can’t create that illusion just by painting your face. Beyonce’s features aren’t distinct enough. But Trinity’s heart is set on that dream.
RuPaul struts the runway in one of the most Barbie-like outfits ever. She’s wearing a gray wig, with a wide black headband, and a black and red gown to die for. The guest judges are Lena Headey (from Game of Thrones) and Linda Blair (The Exorcist).
Bianca is first on the runway, with a gorgeous old Hollywood look in blue and gold brocade. Courtney is MIss Australia in the Parade of Nations. Joslyn is in disco gold lame. Trinity is wearing a tangerine mermaid gown. Milk is a sexy Pinocchio, with a high-cut leotard and black thigh-stockings. Darienne is wearing Delta Work in a pleated silver cape. April is in yellow, with a yellow umbrella dripping with blue ribbons — obviously she’s an April shower.
Laganja is a chorus member from My Fair Lady in peach pink. Gia has sprung out of the Tron game and sprouted anime tentacles on her head. Adore is yet another mermaid gown. This one comes in black latex with a red wig and black hair bow. Ben is the cutest Kitten ever to escape from Hugh Hefner’s mansion. Finally, Vivacious enters in a red Godzilla costume with huge black spikes all over its body.
After the runway walk, the judges review the screen tests. Surprisingly, almost everyone comes off pretty good. Trinity’s awkward moments are edited out. Gia’s lines are tightened up, and Adore’s flubs are gone. April isn’t nearly as bad as Michelle’s reaction indicated. None of them, of course, can compare to Courtney and Bianca, who are stellar in their short scene.
But at the end of Team Adore’s video, there is a blank silence. Only Lena Headey laughs and applauds. Maybe she didn’t get the memo about hating it.
In the critiques, RuPaul comes down very hard on the younger queens. She chides Gia for not remembering her dialogue and for having “no technique.” Which is true — but it’s also true for a good half of the queens ever to appear on the show. RuPaul calls Adore out for not being prepared. “You owe it to your talent to do your homework,” she thunders. And damned if that isn’t Danny Noriega/Adore Delano in a nutshell. It’s ten thousand times better than anything Simon Cowell ever said in his life.
And, because I can’t resist, Ben makes the cutest joke, saying she’s scared for Linda Blair sitting so close to Michelle’s gigantic crucifix earrings.
In the end, Vivacious is put into the bottom Adore escapes by the skin of her teeth, leaving April to lip-synch. The song is “Shake It Up” (Selena Gomez). April immediately strips to her skivvies, and they both tear up the stage. Joslyn comments that it’s too close to call, but RuPaul decides to send Vivacious home.
Dressed as a red dinosaur, Vivacious admits that her type of drag may be a dying art form. But she came to represent the club kids, and she did it with honor.
Her mirror message: Girls you will be missed. Take the world by storm. Educate the masses. Get it. Rearrange it. Internalize it. Turn it.
Untucked
Team Milk chants their name on the way to the Lounge Formerly Known As the Interior Illusions Lounge. Actually, I just call it the Silver Lounge, since there are two rooms. Darienne is congratulated for winning the challenge. I forget what her prize was — I’m not sure RuPaul mentioned it. Geez. The product placements are half the fun on this show.
Darienne is delighted to have won. She talks about getting eliminated from this show and then making the rounds of reality shows — starting with The Biggest Loser, so she could slim down and get a nice man. Courtney assures her she could find a nice man right now. They all talk a little about their critiques, but quickly move on to guess that Vivacious will have to lip-synch again because she forgot her lines. Which was not edited out of the screen test. Unlike every other queen who forgot their lines. There is a flashback to the filming, showing Vivacious messing up as sad tuba music plays.
Darienne asks Bianca to critique the make-up on Team Adore’s screen test, since Bianca lived through the 1980’s. “Bitch, you’re older than I am!” Bianca laughs.
RuPaul directs them to the Gold Lounge, where there are several Big Pink Furry Boxes set up. A card instructs them to reach into the boxes and guess what’s inside by feel. Darienne finds a turkey leg in her box. Milk’s box is filled with prunes. Joslyn guesses her box has anthrax, since it contains a latex glove filled with a harmless white powder. I hope that’s what it is, because Joslyn mentions that she’s allergic to wheat.
Bianca’s box turns out to have creamed corn in a diaper. All the queens make noises of disgust and Joslyn struggles not to throw up. “Who knew she had a gag reflex?” Courtney marvels.
The queens discuss their favorites from the other team. Their favorites being Ben. Darienne throws a bit of shade about Ben not being her real self on the runway. Gia gets clocked by everyone for her wonky eye. April is admired for her boy look as well as her girl look. Trinity particularly likes her “fat ass.” Courtney and Trinity flirt, causing Darienne to react in disgust. Even though she enjoys having sex with men while she’s in drag, the thought of kai-kai (two queens having sex in drag) horrible. Joslyn makes her pick someone to kai-kai. “Gun to my head?” Darienne asks. “I chose…. bullet!”
Meanwhile, Team Adore enters the Silver Lounge to sad music. Vivacious is feeling solemn, because RuPaul asked each queen to say who they thought deserved to be eliminated. All of them named Vivacious.
Gia reminds Vivacious that it’s not personal. It’s a competition and they didn’t think that Vivacious was energetic enough. Vivacious explains that she isn’t used to vocalizing her fierceness — she’s used to being it under the spotlight. I think she’s referring to the challenge at this point — and her inability to deliver the lines. In any case, the others try to reassure her that they love and respect her.
Vivacious nods, but in the confessional, she blames them for throwing her under the bus and calls them “shady apes!”
They discuss working together as a team. Adore declares that the only queen she wouldn’t want to work with is Bianca. And, on cue, Team Milk arrives in the Silver Lounge for some last-minute fighting. Adore freely admits her distaste for Bianca’s energy, calling it fierce competition. Team Adore tells Team Milk about having to call out Vivacious on the runway for her low energy.
Bianca notes that, for all the loud, fierce energy of the younger queens, they couldn’t even win a [bleeping] acting challenge. Adore’s face is all kinds of annoyed at that line.
Courtney, meanwhile, tries to encourage Vivacious to turn it out for the lip-synch, which everyone predicts will be against April. “Send her back Puerto Rico,” Courtney advises. It’s so cute and sweet that even April joins in the laugh.
