PROJECT RUNWAY – SEASON 12 – EPISODE 03
An old roommate once told me a story about a beautiful blonde supermodel who woke him up in the morning, in a silk robe and whispered “in a foxy way” that she wanted to take him “places.” To him, it was just one more in a long line of ridiculous wet dreams.
I imagine that, if he were watching Project Runway tonight (spoiler alert: he is not), he might have recalled that particular dream as it was recreated, frame for frame, by Heidi Klum (sans the silk robe) waking up the remaining designers and inviting them like the minx she is to go have some family-friendly fun in Coney Island.
On the iconic Coney Island Boardwalk, the fourteen remaining contestants are greeted by Saint Tim Gunn, Our Fashionable Lord And Savior, and also by a mousy man who we learn is the CEO (or something) of Yoplait. In a stretch of logic not seen since Tyra Banks eliminated a contestant for not being enough of a cactus over on Top Model, Tim explains that designers will be put into pairs, and then forced to royally annoy families on the boardwalk by pushing free frozen yogurt down their throats and them asking them to describe the experience in words (Descriptive words probably cut from the broadcast: “moist,” “sticky,” “sorry, I’m vegan,” and “get that spoon away from my child’s mouth or I’m calling the police.”)
To make this already uncomfortable challenge basically impossible, Tim also informs the contestants that all of their materials must be won at various carnival games – meaning this week’s garments will be cut out of blow-up aliens and giant stuffed SpongeBob Squarepants. (Remember when your parents said “Don’t waste your time on Whack-A-Mole, that’s not a skill you can use”? Go show them this for some major “I told you so.”)
But wait! There’s more! Through some
producer manipulation bizarre twist of fate, archrivals (for no discernible reason that we’ve been told) Miranda and Timothy get paired together. Because Captain Tim Gunn Of The Fierce Army totally wasn’t holding their buttons at the bottom of his “absolutely random” button bag. As you can imagine, it worked out great: they agreed for a while, then they rode a unicorn, then Tim arbitrarily redesigned their entire concept and actively ignored Miranda’s influence which sent her into a toxic spiral of tears and smack talk. Hooray, teamwork!
SPECIAL GUEST STAR ALERT: Turns out that mute redhead from the first two episodes was Special Guest Star Drew Barrymore!
TIMSULTATIONS! Wherein His Majesty, Lord Tim Of Gunn casually informs the plebe they are inadequate at life. “You’re leading my imagination,” he says of Bradon and Karen Barrymore’s blue plastic couture construction. Alexander and Justin’s Katy Perry-esque pink rubber bodice is met with surprising apathy, until Alexander himself begins Timsulting his own work (FYI: Only Tim can Timsult.) Sandro and Sue (no, that is not a folk band) come to a boil when he openly insults her ideas in front of Tim and causes several contestants to comment behind his back that he’s being rash and unprofessional. (Which he is, but I have to thank him for providing me with the way in which I will complain about things from now on: “FOOTOOREESTIC GAGA SHEEET!” It’s like I almost liked him…..)
…and then I didnt. When Sue gave up hope of getting Sandro to agree with her vision of what their garment should be, she resigned herself to a supporting role and said “I will be your assistant,” which Sandro took as a sign of obedience and responded with a vow of respect. He might have been able to pass that remark off as misguided, or even blame it on culture shock, were it not for the awkward and inappropriate confessional just moments later where he stated: “yesterday I been bossy with Sue. […] This was genius. When a woman listens to the man…it’s so cool.” Congrats on displaying your blatant misogyny on the Lifetime Women’s Network! Know what happens to misogynists in Lifetime movies? THEY DIE.
But it’s Tim’s comment about Timothy and Miranda’s ensemble (“it’s a little hospital gown-y”) that sends the entire group into a tizzy when a disheartened Miranda begins openly putting down her teammate/unrequited crush object in a very direct and cruel way, which causes Timothy to burst into tears and stage a walkout. This is one of those rare reality TV fights where both people are kind of being assholes and you wish they’d just evaporate so you didn’t have to deal with the resolution. Unfortunately, this is on Lifetime, so a sappy conclusion is inevitable. Oh, footooreestic Gaga sheet.
Lots of extremes tonight: from Kate and Helen‘s inspired, well-crafted sombrero sundress which guest judge Kelly Osbourne called “f**king brilliant,” to Alexander and Justin‘s cheap motel wallpaper print ClipArt aberration that could have been made by a five year old in Vacation Bible School. I particularly enjoyed the kitsch appeal of Dom and Alexandria‘s cartoonish snuggie thing, even if it had very few practical uses. None of this matters, really, because the bulk of the runway was taken by Timothy throwing Miranda under the bus like a petulant child, dismissing her efforts to apologize for her outbursts, and ultimately being FINALLY sent home despite the fact I don’t think his garment this week was the actual worst (Alexander and Justin’s was really godawfully bad). Who am I to complain, though? We’re rid of the untrained megalomaniac with unicorn horn fetish, and for that I could kiss Nina’s sour lemony lips.
NEXT WEEK: A bow-tie challenge, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, and the much-discussed Sandro meltdown from the previews. See you then!