Tonight’s show was a silly bit of holiday fluff. When Blaine tries to impose his ideas on the Glee club, they resist. Miffed, he informs the crowd that he’s won more show choir competitions than anyone in the room. When the kids are still not impressed, he threatens to pick up his ball and go home.”Someone’s manstrating,” huffs Kitty. And thus begins Blaine’s trip into fantasy land. Only in our imaginations do the people in our lives behave exactly as we want them to.
Meanwhile, in New York City, Kurt excitedly announces to the rest of Pamela Lansbury–Rachel, Santana, Dani (Demi Lovato) and Elliott (Adam Lambert) that he’s booked their first gig at Callbacks. The group is less than thrilled with the college/showtune lovers hangout. They think the first gig should be a hipper venue. You may remember Callbacks as the club in “The Breakup” when Blaine cried his way through “Teenage Dream” before Kurt broke up with him for cheating.
Anyway, Kurt is disappointed that the group isn’t on board with his idea. He indulges in a little fantasy himself. In an attempt to sell his friends on his idea, he paints a scene of a jam-packed club grooving to their version of Madonna’s “Into The Groove.” (They’re a Madonna cover band again, to the chagrin of the rest of the band.) Chris Colfer and Adam Lambert make the number super fun as they gyrate to the beat. I loved when the gang snaked out into the excited throng, singing and dancing as they went. Slinky, sexy, fun.
Into The Groove – Kurt, Elliot, Rachel, Santana, Dani
When Blaine calls his fiancé to bitch, Kurt’s reaction is to shrug and remind him that everyone in the club gets a vote. If Blaine comes on too aggressively, says Kurt, they’ll think he’s a puppet master. Blaine’s eyes roll REAL BIG here. Kurt breaks his big news and, even though Blaine was JUST THERE, Kurt wants to send him a Jet Blue voucher and the gig deets. Blaine will be there of course, but he’s still stuck on the puppet master thing. He moans, “I can’t believe anyone would see me as controlling!” Believe it, dude.
Meanwhile, the school board will be making a site visit to McKinley to decide whether to make Sue’s job as principal permanent. Former principal Figgins, demoted to janitor, is still scrubbing floors as Sue brags to him about the improvements she made. So, lie to the school board in the aftermath of a gun incident, and that gets you promoted to principal. Alrighty then. Any plot involving Sue Sylvester makes my eyes glaze over.
The school board members drop by Sue’s office and are impressed by her gung-ho take no prisoners attitude. They tell her that barring something crazy, she’ll pass the official evaluation later in the week without a problem. As the superintendent leaves, he seems to be flirting with her. He invites her out for a beer and Sue is flattered until she realizes he thinks she’s a dude, and all he’s really looking for is a bro. That’s right, the superintendent either thinks Sue is a boy’s name, or he doesn’t know the first name of an educator he’s about to promote. Like I said, these Sue storylines. UGH.
Sue drowns her disappointment in ice cream at a party of two with Becky. Here, we learn the reason why she butched up her look. in a flashback to 80’s McKinley where she was a new, young teacher. Dressed as a lady, Sue got no respect. But once she donned the tracksuit and chopped off her locks, she had students quaking in their boots. The 80’s outfits and hair totally made the scene worth it. Becky convinces Sue that she intimidates everyone at McKinley. It wouldn’t hurt to girl it up a bit.
Blaine walks into the choir room and is frightened when Brad the piano player speaks! I might have been a little frightened too. Cause he never speaks. Like ever. Blaine asks for some warning first. While Blaine bitches about his first world problems, and how the Glee club doesn’t appreciate his ideas, Brad rattles off a list of bad things that are happening to him. Gambling, debt, foreclosure. Blaine isn’t getting over the puppet master accusation from Kurt. Brad just stares at him like he has 3 heads. If everyone just wants me to sit down and shut up, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.” Kinda like what people expect of Brad! “And that will send a message!” sniffs Blaine.
As he whines on, a mysterious substance floats out of the heat duct, and suddenly, Blaine shifts into an alternate universe, imagining his fellow glee clubbers as puppets. He sings “You’re My Best Friend.” It’s a world where his peers think he’s brilliant and perfect, and Blaine is tooth achingly sweet in return. The entire scene is muppet cute. Who can’t adore the Glee cast as puppets?
You’re My Best Friend – Blaine
And here is where the first commercial break finally arrives. What. Are they trying to keep people from switching over to football?
Jake, still in full douchebag mode, is leading the cheerleaders in some dance moves. Bree gets pissed when he makes eyes at one of the girls. “Her too?” she snaps. “All of them,” says Jake. Gotta love when a girl sleeps with someone’s boyfriend and then is surprised when he cheats.
Out in the hall, Blaine thanks Jake for sticking up for his bossy ways (he halfheartedly suggested trying out Blaine’s a’cappella idea) and confides that there’s something hinky going on in the back of the choir room. The entire conversation only serves to get a curious Jake to check it out for himself. But instead of puppets representing his fantasy of control, Jake channels the queen of control herself, Janet Jackson in a performance of Nasty/Rhythm nation. Parts of the performance are shot in black and white, like the original video. And while Jake mostly bores me, he’s got some pretty impressive dance moves. Marley joins him to sing “I’m not a prude, I just want some respect.”
Nasty/Rhythm Nation – Jake & Marley
In arts and crafts class, Blaine convinces his hippie dippy teacher to allow him to include felt and buttons into his artistic pallet. He makes the most an absolutely adorable Kurt puppet, because he misses his man and wants to see him NOW, not tomorrow and not next week. More likely, it’s that Blaine’s conversations with Puppet Kurt are all one sided, with Blaine accepting Kurt’s apology for God knows what. Puppet fiance’s have their advantages. Blaine runs into Sue who is hobbling down the hall in a pair of pumps. When he helps her up after she trips, she notices his puppet, and takes it away. She can’t have schizo students wandering the halls talking to puppets when the school board arrives to evaluate her. And let the gay fisting jokes begin. “If I catch you with your hand up the butt of anything that isn’t human, you’re in a world of trouble.” Alrighty then.
Still looking for help in her quest to become more feminine, Sue catches Mr. Schue mid-pirouette in the choir room. She marvels at how Will can still look manly while engaging in stereotypically chick activities. She confesses her crush on the superintendent and his mistaking her identity. Will launches into a metaphor about Ginger Rogers doing everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards in high heels. She managed to find a way to be feminine and strong. Will seems to think he has the key to unlocking Sue’s girly side and offers to help her if she’s willing to fork over $600 for Nationals costumes. She’s not giving away any money until Will tells her how he paid for that 18 foot inflatable Lady Gaga airbag that propelled the “crippled kid’s” wheelchair. Ha meta. We all wondered about that too.
Suit yourself, says Will. As he walks out, Sue gets a good whiff of the mystery vapors and imagines herself and Will dancing in black and white to “Cheek To Cheek.” And in her wildest dreams, Sue has no problem dancing backwards in high heels.
Sue & Will – Cheek to Cheek
Jake and Bree are arguing in the hall. “Let it go,” says Jake, “I don’t want a girlfriend.” She doesn’t want to be his girlfriend either. She’s pulled him aside because she’s got some news. She’s pregnant, and wants him to go to the “doctor” with her. Would Ryan actually go there? The word abortion is never uttered. Bree wants no parents involved. It will just be a secret between the two of them.
After that heavy scene, some levity is required. Blaine, dressed as the cape crusader (shades of last year’s Thanksgiving episode, Dynamic Duos) breaks into Sue’s office to get his Kurt puppet back. Just as Blaine finds it and puts it triumphantly back on his arm. Sue bursts in. Because she’s always lurking. Always. “Kindly remove your fist from puppet Hummel’s butt,” commands Sue. And oh by the way. He has detention for the rest of the week. Meaning he can’t make it to Kurt’s big debut in NYC. He’s just going to have to cancel that magical bullet train or whatever the kids use for their weekly trips back and forth to NYC. Another thing we all wonder about. Before Sue leaves, she sees Puppet Hummel turn to look at her out of the corner of her eye. CHUCKY!
Blaine calls Kurt, who is already backstage at Callbacks waiting to go on with the band. Whoops. Blaine has put off calling. Kurt is pissed to learn Blaine is still in Lima and morphs into Puppet Kurt to tell him off. It’s nice to see Kurt finally get really pissed off at Blaine. A similar convo would have been nice after Blaine cheated on him. When Blaine confesses that he got detention, Puppet Kurt screams, “YOU WEREN’T GOING TO CALL ME.” Blaine drops the self-serving “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings” excuse. When Blaine blurts out he made a Kurt puppet, Kurt is insulted that his fiancé views him as something that has no feelings, can be played with, manipulated, and then discarded when he is bored. “I’M A PERSON BLAINE I’M FLESH AND BLOOD AND BONE.” Kurt says this, still as Puppet Kurt. “This was a really big night and I needed you to be here.” Click.
As if Kurt’s world wasn’t rocked enough, Rachel takes him out to the stage to reveal only one person sitting in the audience. And he thinks Angela Lansbury is performing. Yes. Thursdays are quite dead at Callbacks. The band is not happy.
Sue hasn’t given up on her quest for femininity. And since Porcelain, the Sassy Toothless Elf isn’t available (did she REALLY?) she calls on the fabulous Unique for some tips. She immediately pulls out her makeup kit.
Blaine shares detention with Jake and Becky. Inexplicably, janitor Figgins is in charge. When he leaves, the scene turns into a homage to The Breakfast Club. “Maybe we could use this time to get to know each other a little better,” says Blaine. “We could sit in a circle on the floor and tell each other about our core wounds.” When he’s rebuffed, he daydreams Jake and Becky into puppets, who happily take part in his sharing circle. When he confesses to feeling guilty about Kurt’s show, the puppets convince him he has nothing to feel guilty about. Because he’s awesome and America’s Gay Sweetheart. And just so you know, there’s a recording, or maybe even a performance, of the trio singing “Don’t You Forget About Me” that was cut from the scene.
Jake wakes Blaine from his reverie to tell him he’s leaving. He joins Bree in the hallway, expecting to go to the “doctor,” when she informs him that the “crimson tide is rolling again.” Jake is totes relieved. Bree, irritated by his self involvement, charges that he’ll remain a douchebag boyfriend, getting into one mess after another, knocking up woman after woman. He’ll be a terrible father, unless he changes. “Stay away from me,” Bree tells him when he tries to apologize, “You’re toxic.” And that little plot twist didn’t even make it out of the episode.
The school board arrives, and Sue is a vision of loveliness, thanks to Unique. The group is really impressed with her work. The superintendent apologizes to Sue for overlooking her more “feminine side.” When the tour gets to the choir room, Figgins is there to tattle about the gas leak. Sue says there WAS a gas leak, but after her hallucinatory fox trot with Mr. Shue, she realized something was amiss and fixed it. And since maintenance is his responsibility, she’s cutting Figgins pay in half.
The group, totally impressed, offers her the job on the spot. When the superintendent congratulates her, Sue asks him out on a date. He recoils, and the entire group goes stony face and walks out of the room. It looks like Sue blew it.
Blaine stares at himself in the mirror. He’s unraveling, he says. He feels like Mel Gibson in “The Beaver.” His arm pops up, this time, with Puppet Tina on his fist. Blaine pretends he’s Tina, complimenting his abs in a sing song voice and imagining Tina drooling over him in leather as she recalls rubbing him with vapo-rub. Yes, Blaine is losing it. And just as Puppet Tina is coming on to him (“I’m engaged!”) Tina walks in and busts him. Blaine tries to deny the puppet is her, but it has Asian eyes and is wearing the same dress. Tina is dropping by the auditorium to tell Blaine that the Glee club felt bad for ganging up on him. They decided that he’s earned some control (what about YOU Tina? Have your earned some?) and they are granting it to him. He gets a solo to perform any way he would like. All it took was Blaine getting his way, and now he’s done being a Puppet Master. He’s going to miss having a Kurt puppet. “He did anything I said.”
Out in the hall, Jake tries to get back with Marley, but she’s not interested. Jake needs Marley to help him not be a jerk. Marley says she can’t fix him, and besides, she doesn’t feel the same way about him after he cheated. He begs. She leaves. Now she’s free to be 1/2 of the new Monchel (she’s totally getting with Ryder, who is played by her real life boyfriend).
Back in New York. We did NOT spend enough time in New York this week. Sigh. Kurt has called a meeting. Elliot is there, but Dani is not. I guess Demi Lovato couldn’t clear her busy schedule. Rachel fusses that Kurt is probably “retiring” the band. She says not to rub it in and say I told you so. Elliot sticks up for Kurt, saying he’s the leader of the band, and as an artist, he has the right to fail. Enter Kurt, with a box of cronuts and some good news. He’s booked a gig for the band at the trendy Williamsburg Music Hall. That Angela Lansbury fan in the Callbacks audience liked what he saw, and passed a bootleg CD he recorded on to his nephew who works at the venue. See? There’s no such thing as a bad gig.
Just at that moment, Kurt receives a package from Blaine. It’s a box of puppet doppelgangers, a peace offering for missing the performance the other night. Oh Blainers and his inappropriate gifts! They can store them next to the piano he bought them last week as a thank you for letting him and Sam stay there for like, two days. “That is creepy as hell,” says Santana as she looks in the box.
Back in Lima, Blaine makes the same gesture to the Glee club. His controlling ways were not cool. He’s learned that sometimes you just need to let go. When Kitty scoffs, he says he hopes to be more of a leader than just bossy. The kids in Lima are not creeped out. They grab their puppets, and before you know it, they’re in the auditorium performing the goofy meme, “What Does the Fox Say.” Cross cut to the New York peeps who join in. “Will we ever know?”
Full Cast – What Does the Fox Say