Come on down to the 13th week of AGT here on NBC at 9 PM EST. With the remaining performers facing the first week of live semi-finals, they’ll have to start upping the ante if they want to spend any more time in the Snapple All-Natural Talent Suite.
Meanwhile, respected feminist journal Hollywood Life provided actual photo documentation of the pivotal moments when Heidi and Mel went without make-up backstage as they got gel eye treatments. “We barely recognize them right now! The ladies look so different minus their usual sparkle, but the celeb moms look great! We can’t wait to see the results of their luxurious home spa treatment on the show!” shrieked the tabloid, which only rarely is not reduced to hysterics when celebrities participate in mundane activities.
Here we go. According to the opening footage, the contestants appear to spend a lot of time staring moodily into the distance in front of major landmarks throughout the five boroughs. Nick is in black tonight, with a sparkly metallic jacket that looks like something my aunt would wear to go to dinner on a cruise. But at the captain’s table, so Nick looks really nice.
One of the KriStef Brothers was injured during rehearsal, so the boys can’t perform tonight. Naturally, we must see the slow-motion tape of him falling eight feet onto his head, and then of him gazing mournfully from his hospital gurney. This tragic accident means someone must be brought back to replace the act tonight. We don’t find out what it means for the future health of the KriStef brother, though. Howie tells us that Red Panda, who had to drop out due to a family emergency (running out of bowls?), is back in the game.
The evening leads off disappointingly with Tone the Chiefrocca, Mel’s wild card choice. He’s the annoying B-O-O-T-Y guy. Why couldn’t he have fallen eight feet onto his head? This time a heavenly choir opens for him, but then it all devolves into the standard mindless screaming and bouncing around the stage while barely-clad girls march by and flames burst from the floor. Sounds like Tone is getting hoarse. We can only hope chronic laryngitis sets in. The judges arguing over the performance’s quality is like listening to people discuss the relative merits of different types of auto exhaust.
Tone The Chiefrocca, 1st Semi-Final performs… by HumanSlinky
Now it’s Red Panda‘s comeback moment. She is thrilled to be there, and no doubt, since she just flew in this morning in what was undoubtedly economy class with that cramped seating. Wearing stars and stripes and unicycling to a peppy, vaguely Middle-Eastern-sounding tune, she prepares to kick those bowls like she never left us. Tension mounts before the final big kick. Alas, one bowl misses the stack and crashes to the floor. Howie still believes he did the right thing bringing her back, because he’s a humanitarian that way. Mel says she feels like she’s seen it before. This from the woman who thought the B-O-O-T-Y guy rated another look-see.
Red Panda, 1st Semi-Final performs ~ AGT 2013 Live by HumanSlinky
Comedian Angela Hoover is next, she of the ineffectual impressions. Tonight she does Arianna Huffington–which sounds more like Eva Gabor–interviewing a Kardashian, Sharon Osbourne, and Sofia Vergara. To call the act boring would be an insult to awls. Howard liked it, even though she elicited “chuckles and not big laughs,” which is like saying an assassin was successful for inflicting a flesh wound. Howie thinks her impressions were great. Maybe his condition doesn’t let him get close enough to people to actually hear what they sound like.
Angela Hoover, 1st Semi-Final performs ~ AGT… by HumanSlinky
Duo Resonance, Heidi’s wild card pick, follow. The name of the act sounds like an ointment. Soothe baby’s diaper rash fast with Duo Resonance. We see the happy couple walking arm-in-arm under the Brooklyn Bridge to prove they’re in love. Tonight they perform with a clear-sided box, climbing out of it and writhing on top of it. Their act is outside the box! I find them dull, though. Maybe if the box were filled with water! Or they kicked bowls onto their heads.
Duo Resonance, 1st Semi-Final performs ~ AGT… by HumanSlinky
Next up, the annoying teen magician Collins Key. He wants everyone to view magic in a new way, but doesn’t explain what that way is other than that he wants to be famous for it. His trick tonight is again a version of him knowing words the judges pick seemingly randomly. What’s more, the ultimate goal is obviously designed to score young Collins some tail. Mel wonders if the magic is real. This explains why the woman thought the B-O-O-T-Y guy rated another look-see. Howard was deeply disappointed (again) in the kid’s lack of showmanship. It’s true, a bunch of words written on ping-pong balls are no disappearing elephant.
Collins Key, 1st Semi-Final performs ~ AGT 2013… by HumanSlinky
Ugh, here comes Innovative Force, the enormous team of extreme gymnastics-type girls. Their home town, East Whoknowswhere, has gone berserk for them. I would be thrilled to have an ice cream named after me, too, but only if I got a free supply for life, in which case I could not wear the Spandex leggings and bra-tops these kids have on. They take to the stage and fling each other around rather dourly and with some hesitation. Heidi loves it, but Mel thought it was messy and out of time with the music. Why is she such a Debbie Downer tonight? Did she have an allergic reaction to that gel eye treatment?
Innovative Force, 1st Semi-Final performs ~ AGT… by HumanSlinky
Our first singer of the evening is scruffy Dave Fenley. He’s going to give us something we’re not expecting tonight. Uh, oh. It’s the Spice Girls’ Say You’ll Be There, complete with beat-boxing. Panderer. Mel loved it, of course, but Howard despised it. Dave declares defiantly that nothing anyone says or does will take this moment away. Except the DVR delete button, my friend.
Dave Fenley, 1st Semi-Final performs ~ AGT 2013… by HumanSlinky
Another of the comedians, Taylor Williamson, comes next. He’s officially a teen heart-throb now, he reports, but so was Vincent from Beauty and the Beast. He’s funnier than Angela, but that’s like saying Illinois is more mountainous than Lousiana. Howie thought he was brilliant. So much for the old saying that those who can’t do, judge AGT.
Taylor Williamson, 1st Semi-Final performs… by HumanSlinky
Next singer is Jonathan Allen, the once-dorky rejected gay boy. Now he has Bieber hair and self-confidence. Tonight he is singing Bring Him Home from Les Miserables. It’s too understated. America wants towering notes, outspread arms, and tear-stained faces with its Broadway tunes. Furthermore, in his case, nerd glasses actually look nerdy and not hip. A wrench for Allen.
Jonathan Allen, 1st Semi-Final performs ~ AGT… by HumanSlinky
Here comes Catapult, the shadow-dance troupe that’s as beloved as the Never-Ending Pasta Bowl at Olive Garden. The director is worried that they may have planned too complicated a dance tonight. He was right. What the hell are half those amorphous black blobs supposed to represent? Mel was confused by the story, surprise. She only understands shadows puppets made by one hand.
Catapult Entertainment, 1st Semi-Final performs… by HumanSlinky
Cami Bradley, pixie girl emo church singer, is next. She’s like a living maxi-pad commercial. Singing I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You all trembly and tender and slow, she appears to lose herself in the music in a way that suggests rampant drug use. Howard, Heidi, and Howie love it, but of course Mel is not impressed. Maybe that weird sparkly finger sheath she has on is too tight.
Cami Bradley, 1st Semi-Final performs ~ AGT… by HumanSlinky
We finish with Forte. One of the guys is a music director at a church–can you make a living at that?–one’s got a rock band, and one’s a Mr. Mom. They perform a soaring Unchained Melody even though Simon Cowell is not there. See, that’s how you get America to love you, along with laser lights. Howie says they just sent “Justin” Allen home. That poor guy cannot get enough rejection.
Forte, 1st Semi-Final performs ~ AGT 2013 Live by HumanSlinky
Results tomorrow night, with One Direction!! I can hardly wait.
