She’s baaaaaack! Sparkles the Clown files one more HILARIOUS “recrap”. Read it below:
It has been written on this very blog that many of you eagerly await a recap from Sparkles. I could say I had no idea that I had so many fans but humble ain’t Sparkles thing. Believe me, Sparkles is fully aware that with such great adoration and adulation comes a big responsibility, one that Sparkles does not take lightly. And that brings me to my recrap (that be a crappy recap). For the uninitiated, I will give you a bit of warning: Sparkles has a tendency towards verbosity. So if detailed descriptions and long tangents that often go nowhere annoy you, you best quit reading now. Seriously, some of this crap has nothing even remotely to do with American Idol. But for everyone else, my longtime stalker fans as well as new readers with a sense of adventure, strap yourself in because rocket Sparkles is ready for blast off!
You may have been thinking that since I did a recap of the Milwaukee show in July, I’d be going to the Chicago show. But after all the cancellations and rescheduling it seems that the final show was to be in the great Midwest, home to your beloved Sparkles. You didn’t think they could have the big finale within 2 states of Sparkles and not expect her to show up now, did you? I just want to do what those old timey dudes in the funny clothes and white wigs told us to do. In fact they guaranteed it on a piece of yellowed parchment. Yes, I am pursuing my happiness. And that means two words: road trip! And two more words: American Idol! And one more word: concert! I guess I should have said five words. Anyway, lucky for you Sparkles will be keeping track of every single detail in that crazy rainbow wigged noggin of hers. So this, my Idol obsessed friends, is the story of one crazed clown and ten American Idols. Together again, for one last time.
So this was the show where the Idols say their final adios. That means goodbye for those of you who don’t understand German. The final show is always special in that there are always shenanigans and hi-jinks galore. After I read on MJsBigBlog that the final show would be in Indy, I looked for some tix on Ticketmaster & saw some on the floor in the front row. In mere nano seconds it was obvious that them Idols would be seeing a clown dancing and prancing just feet from the stage. So now I must say goodbye to my triplets Trixie, Dixie & Pixie and my twins Apple and Baby Gaga as this was to be an adult only adventure. MamaClown just don’t need no kids distracting her from her obsession. Instead I invited my friends who attended the Milwaukee show with me, once again I’ll call them Collette & Kenny. When I told them about how the final shows are always fun with funny hats and silly string Kenny gave me a look like “I don’t know what’s stupider, the fact that this occurs or the fact that people pay money to see it.” But Collette, who moved here from the Philippines less than a year ago, really likes to see what the USA is all about. And she knows what a great tour guide Sparkles can be. So I told Kenny we’d stop at the University of Notre Dame on our way back to do some sightseeing and that finally sealed the deal.
THE CITY/STATE: Every time I called Collette she told me how many days we had before our trip. She was really excited to visit a new state she hadn’t been to before and was literally counting down the days. I always saw Indiana as America’s hallway, a state that you go through to get to your real destination. Yes, it’s flat & full of corn but the city of Indianapolis is pretty nice. Panhandling is definitely not outlawed as there was a guy on nearly every corner that would shake his cup at you while never looking up from his sandwich or newspaper. There is a cool monument to the Soldiers and Sailors at the city’s center that’s in the middle of a huge roundabout. The thing was huge with weird statues and made for some nice photos among the skyscrapers and buildings.
THE VENUE: I had never been to the Conseco Fieldhouse before. It sounded kind of too sporty for me with the fieldhouse in the name so I didn’t know if it was a good place for a concert. According to what I read online the capacity is 18, 500 but an usher there said he thought it was 17, 000. The place is only about 10 years old and was ranked number one in the NBA 2005 – 2007. We all thought it was pretty cool with some giant basketballs in the lobby, an Indy 500 display etc. The ushers and security were all really nice and polite. I didn’t see anyone yell at anyone for taking photos or videotaping. We stayed at a hotel downtown and walked the block or two to the venue which was very easy. I would gladly go back there in the future and I’m sure I will.
THE SEATS: We were front row in that little section along the side. Very close but when the Idols went to front center stage all we saw were their rumps. But the back up singers were on our side and many of the Idols sang part of their sets up by them. And a lot of the time the Idols entered or exited by us so we got to see them up close quite a bit then too. But the best thing about front row is no heads and flailing arms blocking your view (refer to my Milwaukee videos to see what I mean).
THE CROWD: Just like Soylent Green, the crowd was made up of people. PEOPLE! As for those sitting around me, we had a nice couple who were huge Crystal fans. They couldn’t believe how empty the venue was. It was pretty much like most other shows at 50 – 60% full. They weren’t Idol obsessed like most of us on this blog are so I filled them in on the cancellations and low attendance. I also spoke to a college girl whose faves were Tim & Casey. And I met a big Didi fan who was attending his 7th show. All of the Idols got a good reception but I noticed the most noise during Crystal’s set. Just a lot of hootin’ and hollerin’ throughout her set but lots of cheers for all of the Idols too.
DIDI BENAMI: Didi and I have a lot in common. We both play guitar, we both love sparkly jewelry and we’re both very pretty. Didi got a bit emotional as she spoke of this being their last show. She seems very genuine and grateful for the experience. She was a low key opener but she put on a good performance. I appreciate that she did one song with a guitar and one without. That gave her a chance to move around the stage and she made a point of coming over to those of us along the front side. Not all of the Idols did this so it was much appreciated. I didn’t notice anything special that she did for the final show however.
ANDREW GARCIA: Andrew and I have a lot in common. We both play guitar, we both wear big clown size glasses and we both have tattoos on our necks. Andrew performed his two songs on the other side of the stage and he didn’t move around too much. I would have liked it if he had come over and said hi to this sexy clown but he didn’t. Boo to that. Both his songs were similar in pacing and execution. Nothing special for the final show that I noticed.
KATIE STEVENS: Katie and I have a lot in common. We’re both “fighters, ” we both dress sexy and we’re both very pretty. Katie sings the kind of songs I’m not a fan of. I don’t listen to top 40 pop so I didn’t recognize any of her songs. For example, I know who Lady Gaga is & I know some of her song titles but I’ve never heard any of her songs all the way through (and yes I know that no one sang Lady Gaga, I’m just using her as an example of what I don’t listen to). I was impressed with Katie on the second song “Fighter.” She really seemed like a pro up there. I don’t hear any pitchy notes either. I think that she could have a career in music if she wants and I’m guessing young girls and guys would be her biggest fans. Still nothing special for the final show. What, is there a shortage of silly string or something?
TIM URBAN: Tim and I have a lot in common. We’re both very cute, we both have sexy abs and neither one of us can sing. When I saw Tim back in July I was a little disappointed at his song choices & the fact that he just stood there playing guitar while he sang. I thought he would have fared much better to do a ballad & then an upbeat number where he did the slide. He’s just not a singer/songwriter type where he can stand there & play acoustic guitar. That great American philosopher Dirty Harry got it right when he said “a man’s got to know his limitations.” Well, I was happy to see that he only played guitar on the first song & then he worked the stage on the second song. And to quote Dirty Harry one more time, when he finally did the slide that really made my day. He was one of the few Idols who did anything special for the final show of the tour and that’s very cool if you ask me. I noticed that a lot of girls wanted their photos taken with Tim on stage behind them. I took a few for those sitting near me that I e-mailed to them. The ladies love Tim and I think he can make a career for himself as long as he doesn’t just rely on his singing. He should take acting lessons pronto and try to get on Glee or High School Musical. But thanks for the slide Tim. That was cool to do a little something special for the final show.
SIOBHAN MAGNUS: Siobhan and I have a lot in common. We’re both natural born performers, we both have a great sense of style and we both like to scream at the top of our lungs in public. The only difference is that Siobhan screams while she’s performing and I scream randomly, like while in the grocery store or in a crowded elevator. The first thing I thought when I saw Siobhan was “Oh my, I almost wore that.” Now wouldn’t that have been embarrassing. For Siobhan that is. When Siobhan came out I could hear giggles and it seemed everyone in the audience was either smiling or staring with their mouths wide open. They just couldn’t believe what they were seeing after the first four more traditional American Idol performers. Indy ain’t seen nothin’ like this before. I didn’t notice the blood that she had at the end of her set. There didn’t seem too much of it so I hope next time she uses more blood. But I did notice that her outfit was decorated with monster masks, a detached Barbie doll head etc. I thought it looked very cool. Special props go out to Siobhan who really got into it. I wish everyone performed with such enthusiasm. The door will always be open at the circus for you Siobhan. And she was the only one who treated this show with the respect and enthusiasm that the final show of a tour deserves. Siobhan totally gets it. And Siobhan had the perfect set. She started with a classic that she had performed on the show, then she did a high energy song and then concluded with a dramatic performance. Yes, Siobhan totally gets it.
At intermission, the Crystal fans behind me raved about Siobhan’s performance. The guy said he would see her in Vegas. Is there no higher praise? Collette is a huge Aaron fan but she said she loved Siobhan the most because she “jumped like a frog” when she danced. Days later she was still laughing about it. When we watched my videos Collette commented that Siobhan is “dramatic” and that she’s a great performer so I promised her that we’d see Siobhan if she tours nearby. All of the Siobhan fans should be happy to hear that she definitely made a lot of fans on this tour. And yes, consider me a converted believer. I wasn’t a huge fan on the show but now I love Siobhan!
AARON KELLY: Aaron and I have a lot in common. We’re both cute, we both love fast tiny clown cars and freedom and did I mention that we’re both cute? Aaron seems like a pro already. He was very comfortable on stage and his voice is very strong. It sounds deeper and more mature than it did on the show. Collette is a big fan and she said that our seats were so close that she could see his teenage acne. I was a bit surprised that I found Aaron very sexy. He had some subtle stage moves that were very hot to this cougar clown. I mentioned to Collette & Kenny that I might need to go to confession at Notre Dame because I was lusting after a teenager. This was a mistake because then Kenny kept on repeating “Aaron made Sparkles horny.” Anyway, Aaron is one of the better performers of the season and at such a young age I can only imagine that he will have a long career ahead of him.
GROUP NUMBER (First Half): I’m not saying I was bored but after a minute I was making balloon animals and handing them out to the other concert goers sitting near me, most of whom were looking at me, a clown in full clown makeup, to entertain them. I must say, last season’s first group number was excellent with the dueling pianos and the guys acting all rat packy. Even Lil Round’s attempt at rapping couldn’t ruin that number. But no, now we have the idols sitting on stools singing a lame Miley Cyrus song. And once again Tim is hiding his sexy abs behind a guitar. Such a waste. They did harmonize pretty well together though. I would have just preferred something a little more toe tappy.
INTERMISSION: I hate standing in line to use the bathroom so once again I was sporting adult diapers. I would just rather sit in my own filth than deal with all that standing and waiting and standing and waiting and waiting some more. Hey, what can I say? I just really hate standing in line.
MICHAEL LYNCHE: Big Mike and I have a lot in common. We both look great in hats, we both have immense strength and we both like sandwiches. I’m not a big fan of the style of music Mike sings but I will say that he’s a good performer. He mixed it up, playing guitar while sitting on a stool on one song & walking around the stage on another. He also got down on one knee and I almost thought he was going to propose to this pretty clown until I remembered he was married. Anyway, I’m glad he had the duet with Casey, the only one of the night. He’s got a nice stage presence and I hope he can make a living in music.
CASEY JAMES: Casey and I have a lot in common. We both play guitar, we both have great hair and we’re both gorgeous. I love Casey’s opening song “I Got Mine.” The highlight of the concert for me is the dueling guitar solos between Casey & Tim Stewart. Wow, that was pure bliss. I’m weeping, laughing hysterically and wetting myself all at the same time. A trifecta of pure emotion. Along with Siobhan, Casey had the perfect set. He started with a rocking song that although unfamiliar to most, it had some great guitar solos. Then he did a slow, sweet song that he performed on the show, then the only duet of the night, and finally a high energy song from the show. He gave his fans everything they wanted and more. Yes, he’s cute but it’s his guitar playing that gets me. Great stuff. Casey didn’t do anything special for the final night but the stage hands did come out wearing cheeseheads which reminded me of home sweet home. And as Casey was leaving the stage he threw a guitar pick out and a cougar a few rows behind me grabbed it and squealed with delight. You can hear me on my video say “oh, man” in disappointment as I was so close yet so far.
ADAM LAMBERT: You wish.
CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: Crystal and I have a lot in common. We both play guitar, we both love sunflowers and we both have cute kids. Everybody say awwwwwww. Crystal sounded as good as she did at the other show I saw. Her voice is clear and strong. And she came over to us quite a bit because her son Tony was behind us. She played “You Are My Sunshine” on her harmonica and waved to him but like most kids his age he seemed more interested in his bottle. Crystal got a little emotional but I didn’t notice anything special for the final show. The stage hand though wore a Viking helmet and she said “thanks Viking.” The Crystal fans behind me were smiling through Crystal’s set and as I mentioned before a lot of people were yelling out her name etc. She has a lot of fans in Indy for sure.
DAVID COOK: I wish.
LEE DEWYZE: Lee and I have a lot in common. We both play guitar, we’re both from the Midwest and we’re both winners (he of American Idol and me of American Clown). I said in my Milwaukee recrap that I never really got Lee. I think that I may like some songs on the CD he releases so simmer down fanatical Lee uberfans. I will definitely check it out. I just don’t find him to be a great live performer. I mean he was wearing sandals. Rock stars don’t meander around the stage in sandals! There’s no crying in baseball and there are no sandals in rock music. I think he should have gotten some tips on proper stage attire from Siobhan because she gets it. And although her Herman Munster boots are probably a bit much for Lee I’m sure she could find him something better than a pair of freakin’ sandals.
And now for a lame bit about “Rocket Man”…I’m not a huge fan of that song “Rocket Man.” Mainly it’s because of that dang title that keeps getting repeated over & over. Who calls themselves a “rocket man” anyway? Do you think Buzz Aldrin lists his occupation as retired Rocket Man? No, he says astronaut like everyone else. I’m surprised Elton John & Bernie Taupin didn’t call their song “Take Me To The Airplane Man.” I must say that even though Lee’s addition of a snippet from Pink Floyd’s “Welcome To The Machine” makes absolutely no sense, I embrace it because it means he stops singing “Rocket Man, ” if only all too briefly. Yeah, I think it’s gonna be a long, long time before I willingly listen to that song again…now back to our regularly scheduled recrap…
What, no bagpipe? I would have thought for the final show Lee would have busted out the bagpipe. Wow, no one got into the final show shenanigans except Siobhan and the stage hands who wore cheeseheads (go Wisconsin!) and Viking helmets (go Minnesota?). Kind of sad. And why no lame inspirational coronation song about rainbows and waterfalls? How dare they take this source of mockery away from us. That’s really not fair. There have got to be some boundaries left to sing about. Surely there remains some time of someone’s life to make someone proud after some kind of moment like this. No Paula, no Simon and now no lame song? This ain’t the American Idol I know and love. Let’s hope they bring back the lame coronation song in 2011. And since Kara is gone maybe they’ll let me write it. You know Sparkles wouldn’t let you down.
So now that the fanatical uber Lee fans have skipped to the comments section to write something nasty about Sparkles I shall commence with some concluding thoughts. The crowd loved Lee. He was a lot less full of the angst that he had at the Milwaukee show. He needs to work a bit on his banter as all he really said was “I feel you, for real” but that will come with experience. He also didn’t do anything special for the final show. It would have been cool if he brought Crystal out to sing “Falling Slowly” but that would have been too awesome I guess. At the final show in Season 5 Daughtry came out in the first half to duet with Bucky and Kellie joined the guys for their group song among other things. If only this group got into the spirit of a final show like Siobhan did. Now that would have been a great finale to the tour.
GROUP NUMBER (Second Half): It seems that the only thing these two songs have in common are the words “my life.” Why else would they combine “It’s My Life” and “My Life Would Suck Without You.” What’s next, combining Queen’s “Somebody To Love” with the Bee Gees “To Love Somebody” just because they have the same three words in the title? But at least this group number was better than the first one. And since it was the final show there were hugs all around. Big Mike even picked up Crystal and held her for a bit. Then they said their final goodbyes and left the stage. No, that’s not a tear, there’s something in my eye. Really there is. And as the lights come on and the roadies start to pack up the stage, a clown with a pocket full of unused balloons and a rainbow wigged head full of memories walks slowly to the exit for one last time. The tour is over. Sparkles has left the building.
And now a numerical summary of the trip…
Number of Days: 2
Number of States: 3 (Wisconsin, Illinois & Indiana)
Number of Idols: 10
Number of Clowns: 1
Temperature at show time: hot, in the low 90’s
Miles from my house to the venue: holy crap almost 295
Total miles for the entire trip: 680.8
Cost of my ticket: $82.50
Cost per Idol: $8.50 (but after factoring in gas, hotel etc. it’s probably more like $35 haha)
Cost of my Diet Mountain Dew: $4 courtesy of Kenny
Favorite Jonas Brother: Gordon, the one with the lazy eye that they keep hidden from the public. Apparently only the genetically superior Jonas spawn are allowed out in order to protect their precious little image. That’s so wrong Jonas family. So very wrong.
Favorite Justin Bieber song: “Eenie Meenie” Seriously, that’s really the title to one of his songs.
Let’s play the “I’d rather be” game: I’d rather be a hammer than a nail, I’d rather be a shoe than a sock, I’d rather be a finger than a toe, I’d rather be a mermaid than a centaur.
Worst Idol CD cover: I doubted that anyone could steal this dubious honor from “Audio Day Dream” by Blake Lewis because it’s just so damn fugly. But I must say Adam Lambert’s “For Your Entertainment” is our new winner. Congrats Mr. Lambert. And now I must duck & hide from the Claymates 2.0 a/k/a the fanatical contingent of the Glamberts.
Things I Like: kittens, rainbows, rainbow wigs, sailors, (random parenthesis, also, inappropriate, commas, , ) & toast
Things I Don’t Like: unlikable things, repetition, standing in line, mucus, feeling itchy & repetition
Season 9 Idol CDs I will buy: The only guarantee I am willing to make is that I will buy anything the AI guitarist Tim Stewart releases. The rest I’ll have to hear samples of first.
So that’s it. Not only did I pursue my happiness but I knocked it on it’s ass and gave it a big old sloppy kiss. So what now? Well now it’s your turn to say whatever you want to Sparkles. I especially need at least one person who has never left a comment before to register and profess great love for Sparkles. Or hatred. I actually don’t care because my ego is as large as my oversized clown shoes and no comment from some clown hatin’ yahoo is gonna change that. So if you actually took the time to read this entire recrap you now owe it to Sparkles to say something, be it good or bad, witty or lame, stupid or wise. And if I get a lot of comments I just may pee my pants. If I were wearing any, that is. So do a clown a favor and throw a verbal pie in my face. That be a pie made of words, if you ain’t hip to the Sparkle slang. And Sparkles shall devour every morsel. Sparkles out & see you at the tour next summer.