Twelve more acts perform tonight at 9 PM EST on NBC. They can’t be any worse than the 36 we’ve seen so far, can they? Oh, wait, Tummy Talk is on tonight.
Among the other acts are the animal-murdering child singer; the ice skaters who MacGyvered a rink with just a plastic tarpaulin and some tap water; the juggler who so thrives on danger that this week’s act may consist of him filing an application with the IRS to be declared a tax-exempt organization; the family of unicyclers that is so large, it’s likely the parents apply birth control methods with the same madcap abandon with which they perform; and Nebbishy Self-Deprecating Comedian #4,567,902. In a refreshing change from the other Heartland-based performers who invariably make their living tilling the rich soil that graces our fruited plains, this week’s country singer is a coal miner.
Meanwhile, Nick apparently has time in his schedule to appear on that new show, Hollywood Game Night, which is on at 8 p.m. Dem Babies must be latchkey kids.
Remember, Howie said that last week we saw the best acts ever in the history of performing. Poor SensEtion can’t catch a break.
The first act is 3Penny Chorus and Orchestra, performing a Taylor Swift tune. They’re an enormous group, so all of them singing We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together is just confusing. The conductor has a lighted baton, though. Howard complains that they keep doing the same thing. Would he rather they carve wood on stage? I don’t hear him complaining about hearing essentially identical twangy, forlorn love songs from all the country dudes.
3Penny Chorus and Orchestra, Top 60 performs… by HumanSlinky
Following is Chloe Channell, the 11-year-old fishing, hunting, small-town, not-girly-girl singer for whom singing is a passion. I’m sure the moose she blasts to kingdom-come appreciate the tender side of her. She’ll sing one of her favorite country songs tonight, Done, the lyrics of which include “It’s gonna hit you hard ’til you see stars/It’s gonna put you through a world of hurt.” She really is a violent little kid. Howie points out that she lost her breath in the middle of performance, possibly because she was worn out from spending the previous day gutting an elk.
Chloe Channell, Top 60 performs ~ AGT 2013 by HumanSlinky
Champions Forever, a family of 12 children, are unicycle-riding acrobats. They’re ordinary people striving to do extraordinary things, explains the dad. I got news for you, pal, ordinary people don’t have more kids than can fit in a stretch limo. The most exciting part of their act is waiting to see if the five kids on the really tall unicycles can stay upright during the judging period. The depressing part is realizing that the million dollar prize would only put about two-thirds of them through college.
Champions Forever, Top 60 performs ~ AGT 2013 by HumanSlinky
Next we are treated to the “video mapping” stylings of SensEtion. It’s like being inside a video game, they explain, with the images projected onto them, although they can’t see them. Much like my ex projected his issues onto me, only I could see that just fine. This technique is reminiscent of slumber parties where someone would wave a flashlight rapidly as we jumped around in the dark, so it looked like an old-fashioned movie. No one wanted to see us in Vegas, either. Howard, who just asked the unicycling family if they were “a religious thing,” says he always wants to be constructive, and proclaims this act pointless.
Sensetion, Top 60 performs ~ AGT 2013 by HumanSlinky
Now we have a rock band called The Robotix, whose oldest member is just 16. Everyone told them they couldn’t form a band because they were too young–but they defied the naysayers and found a way to sing and play together after doing their homework. The drummer looks like Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch, and the lead singer’s bat mitzvah is next year. Your rock band is in trouble when The Archies are grittier.
The Robotix, Top 60 performs ~ AGT 2013 by HumanSlinky
Timber Brown got into acrobatics as a kid. His parents had substance abuse problems, but now his mom is sober. She’ll be at risk to drink again when she watches him do his act without safety harnesses or a net. He’s hanging from this twirly gyroscope thing, as it goes up and down and spins around faster and faster. It’ll truly be a glorious act when he vomits and sprays the judges. Howard was on his feet for this one. It was “a real danger act,” he enthuses, forgetting the sword swallower who tore his esophagus open so he couldn’t eat Mexican food. Heidi says Timber’s her favorite act of the night, possibly because he was the first shirtless one.
Timber Brown, Top 60 performs ~ AGT 2013 by HumanSlinky
Singer Cami Bradley is a music director at a church who looks like a Walter Keane painting. She also rides a motorcycle. She also hates being front and center on a stage. What a seething mass of contradictions this chick is. At the piano, she emotes a slow and moody version of Believe while wearing a flowy lace garment with tendrils of hair hanging in her face and the smoke machine belching like there’s a manhole full of men at work underneath her. Heidi refers to “this song of Cher.” Everyone loves it and her look and the giant glowing red X’s that some psychotic production designer scattered around her piano for atmosphere.
Ugh, now it’s Tummy Talk, which Nick calls an “extraordinary” act. I do not think that word means what Nick thinks it means. They take their musical skill and “put it onto a human body,” which I understand is illegal in several jurisdictions. Tonight their corpulent instrument is wearing a blue romper with white stars on it. The judges all look disgusted. Join the club.
Tummy Talk, Top 60 performs ~ AGT 2013 by HumanSlinky
They’re followed by the comedian Taylor Williamson. His kitchen needs updating; maybe he could be on HGTV if this gig doesn’t pan out. He does a bit about New York City that’s as tired as the prostitute who works my corner, followed by random dating and I’m-s0-unattractive jokes. Once again confirming why he never made it very far in the industry, Howie rhapsodizes about how funny this guy is.
Taylor Williamson, Top 60 performs ~ AGT 2013 by HumanSlinky
Up now is Aerial Ice, the skaters who use synthetic ice, and from the look of them, a few synthetic face parts. They combine traditional skating tricks with aerial acts, mainly spinning from long sheets hanging from the ceiling. Laundry day must be a riot for these guys. The act is fun because everyone likes to see a guy swinging a girl around by her ankles at top speed. Mel felt it wasn’t exciting enough, but who takes advice on excitement from a woman who willingly slept with Eddie Murphy.
Aerial Ice, Top 60 performs ~ AGT 2013 by HumanSlinky
Next is David Ferman, the extreme juggler. He decided to do this with the rest of his life after seeing a performer as a child. His parents wanted him to go to law school, but there’s still a good chance for him to be involved in liability cases in this field. Tonight he will be suspended upside down over a vat of gasoline while juggling fire. Yeah, well, I once parked my car in a no-loading zone while I ran upstairs to get something. David’s act lasts all of 20 seconds. Afterwards, to show us how he might have been incinerated alive had he slipped up, he tosses one of the fiery balls into the vat. But since the flames only reach a few feet high, it’s likely he only would have only ended up looking like Howie.
David Ferman, Top 60 performs ~ AGT 2013 by HumanSlinky
And finally, it’s our country singer Jimmy Rose, from Pineville, Somewhere Southern, USA. Before becoming a coal miner, he was in the military. Apparently, he liked the haircut enough to keep it. He sits on a stool on a dimly lit stage with his guitar, swathed in denim, and sings Heaven with more authentic twangy nasality than Willie Nelson with hay fever. The judges have mixed reactions. Perhaps because despite his being a veteran, a coal miner, a Southerner, and a cute young guy with a guitar, the lack of a cowboy hat renders him inauthentic.
Jimmy Rose, Top 60 performs ~ AGT 2013 by HumanSlinky
We’ll find out tomorrow night which four of these clown acts goes forward. Hope to see you there!
