The Bachelor — Season 18, Episode 1811 — Live Blog and Discussion

“We all know by now how awesome he is, but I am super conflicted and I have been for awhile now.”

These are the trenchant words spoken by Sharleen in tonight’s profoundly familiar episode of The Bachelor, wherein the same thing happens that has happened every other week, except maybe instead of Juan Pablo telling the viewers whom the producers have decided is not sufficiently shrieky, slutty, or making enough of a spectacle of herself to remain on the show, one of the girls will announce it herself.

Despite such time-tested exciting-preview-clip-generating tactics making this season debut with the show’s highest ratings ever, more and more nosy people are finding out that Juan Pablo maybe isn’t as awesome as Sharleen insists. Beyond the vacant-eyed Venezuelan taxidermy project’s obvious shortcomings of being incapable of expressing any kind of coherent thought or allowing his dates’ tongues to remain unmolested during any private encounter, it has come to light that he was never even a genuine soccer player, but merely a benchwarmer. So he doesn’t even really use those abs he keeps baring for the camera.

Meanwhile, Renee spoke with People.com and answered the piercing question of Who is your biggest competition?

They are all amazing women, but I’d say Clare. Just the way he looks at her. But he laughs a lot with Chelsea. But at this point he’s got something for everyone.

Since this is a family show, though, we probably won’t get to see it on camera.

We’re in Miami this time. Much lower budget. We’ll find out about why Clare is not okay with being disrespected, and how it’s sad for JP to say good-bye to someone he cares about potentially having sex with.

As we open, JP is going to see Camila. It’s the first time in weeks he’s kissed a girl without using any tongue. The gals arrive at the hotel and do their typical oohing and aahing over the suite, as required by the contract with the sponsor.

Since this is the week that rose-earners will be awarded hometown visits, Sharleen explains that she is not ready to introduce JP to her family. That’s possibly because her parents may frown on a relationship in  which the boyfriend is pawing a whole bunch of other girls in between dates with their daughter.

JP arrives at the girls’ suite and hands the date card directly to Sharleen. Nikki looks non-plussed. There’s another word he probably doesn’t know. As Sharleen prepares for the date, she explains that her doubt arises from a desire for a cerebral connection with JP. There are two obvious resolutions here, I think. Either schedule the world’s first brain transplant for him, or book a flight back to Germany immediately.

None of the other girls understand why JP is so drawn to Sharleen and her particular tongue. She’s not blond or stacked, after all. The two board a yacht and snuggle while she continues to feel conflicted, which she doesn’t let get in the way of making out. His idea of a conventional social encounter is either scaring the woman to death or shoving his tongue past her uvula. The rest of the girls back at the hotel devote more time to discussing the substance, as it were, of their relationship, as it were, than Sharleen and JP do.

They reach a beach, and Sharleen discusses her singing career. “Change is good,” she says vaguely. JP likes that, possibly believing it means she’ll let him stick his tongue somewhere else on her body. As evening falls, Sharleen declares that the day was great. It appears they made out on a yacht, on the beach, in street clothes, while it was sunny, and while it was dark, so we know they have variety in their relationship. JP says he has everything with her, except the minor details of knowing her last name and what religion she is.

But Sharleen continues to voice concern that they’ve never traded more than a dozen inanities during any single encounter before they start slobbering uncontrollably all over each other. “I wish I was a little dumber,” she says, as countless feminists leap off buildings.

The next date card arrives for Nikki, who worries that she will be required to dance or otherwise enjoy herself. The other girls resent her negativity. At least she’s one thing the the terminal people down at the hospital don’t regret missing.

After Sharleen returns from her date, she tells Renee her worries. After these weeks on the show, wherein she spent a few hours largely just sharing saliva with a person who says “ay yi yi” to express his innermost thoughts, she bemoans how difficult it is to decide if he should become her partner for life. Renee appears understanding, but how could she really know Sharleen’s agonizing dilemma, since she’s only scored a few quick liplocks.

Ignoring that he just essentially announced that Sharleen is The One, JP tells us how thrilled he is about his date with Nikki. She’s going to meet Camila! And his family! Maybe they’ll all parachute out of a plane! She seems shocked and anxious. It’s worse than spelunking into a 1,000-foot deep cave. And she is not dressed nicely enough for this seminal occasion. JP seems not to care. The kid can’t see some kissing, but she can be exposed to her potential stepmother wearing some loud shmattah and jean shorts to attend a family event.

Next a group date is announced. A rose will be presented to the first person to get a hometown date. This is impetus for Sharleen to worry about whether she can marry JP. Sharleen, there is the option to turn down the proposal, although I understand divorce doesn’t seem wise since he has no income for alimony.

Meanwhile, Camila is featured in a recital with a bunch of other little future bachelorettes. The child’s mom is there, too. What a powder keg! You can just see the producers salivating. “This could be my life,” declares Nikki, forgetting there will be no craft services table or make-up trailer then.

Now they go to Marlin Park, JP’s “office.” It appears to be on the stadium field. Is his job cutting the grass? They toss a baseball back and forth so there’s risk of her low-cut halter top falling in an inappropriate way, then recline on a blanket. He asks her how she felt about meeting his family. She asks him beseechingly where she fits in the dynamic among all of them and Carla, Camila’s mom. You’d be what we call the “meal ticket,” Nikki. Once all that is clarified, which means JP mumbles something about family being important and how Camila is his everything, Nikki breathes that today really solidified her feelings for him. She wants to marry JP, have Camila live with Carla, and send the parents to an assisted living facility in another state.

Back to Sharleen’s continuing agony. It’s only been a couple of weeks; has she considered that this could just be PMS? She knows what she has to do, though. She comes to tell the other girls that she thinks it’s unfair to possibly end up with a rose at this point, so she will be leaving. Maybe spend a few days at the beach, go to the clubs, and do some shopping, but then leaving for sure. Their glee is only thinly veiled.

Then Sharleen goes to his suite and bangs on the door like Clare looking for some early-hours nookie. JP answers and the POV shifts to over his shoulder. Do the camera guys just hang around in his room waiting for someone to show up?  They huddle on the sofa and she whispers her doubts, which we get to read in subtitles like a French movie. Or in their case, Swedish.

“This is a hard situation, this is a hard place to be, this is a hard everything,” JP replies. I’m sure something is hard for him.  She weeps, revealing impressive mascara staying power, and he embraces her, telling her not to be sorry for something she feels. Especially something hard. “Thank you for being honest,” he tells her at the door. JP admires honesty, except in his tax filings. One camera chases her down the hall, another follows him out to the terrace to gaze pensively at the stunning Miami skyline (extra $150 night for ocean view).

Sharleen quickly forgotten, it’s time for the group date. They fly in a seaplane to a private island, where the rose waits ominously. JP and Chelsie go off alone first. She reads him notes from her mom and dad, which include advice like “keep your clothes on.” JP has rejected her by then. Then he takes Andi for a walk. She starts blubbering about how upsetting it all is. The uncertainties! After two weeks, she absolutely must know if he’s viable husband material. How do these women date anyone under normal circumstances if they can’t accommodate the freakishness of this artificial arrangement?

Next it’s Clare. He asks about her family. Nobody has one they’re merely cordial with. She’s the one with the dead dad, though, so there’s a tearful recounting of how he told her before he took his last breath that he wanted her to marry the right man. The man actually made a video to be watched by whoever that man might be, which would be charming in a Lifetime movie but in real life is just creepy. Touched, JP mauls Clare with his mouth.  I doubt the video includes a part where the dad recommends this kind of thing.

Time to present the rose to the gal whose family JP really wants to meet, and whose net worth he researched earlier. The skies lower, rain falls, and Andi gets it. With that and a reputable mutual fund, she should be feeling very secure. That night, the two of them go out with her cleavage pouring out of a dress that’s tighter than the seal on a can of biscuit dough. As some Latin singer croons, he leads her to the stage to dance. They have a meeting of the minds and crotches.

Back at the hotel, as the other girls talk, Nikki suddenly storms out for some reason. Clare resents her attitude, and follows her to the bedroom. The confrontation is not enlightening. “Get out!” “Oh, is this your suite?” “Did you pay for it?” “Why is it always about you?” If I wanted to experience this kind of exchange, I would eat Mexican food and have a nightmare of being back in high school.

Next the girls parade in their cocktail dresses to the pre-Rose Ceremony gathering. Chelsie insists JP must see her in hometown with her family, or he will never know her. He’ll have to give tongue to all the relatives, since that’s how he introduces himself to people. Nikki comments that she does not want to hang out with her “boyfriend” with Clare around. I bet Clare doesn’t want to either. Do harems have these issues?

Nikki gloats with Andi that JP acts so differently with the other girls than he does with them. Maybe she means he feels up the left boob first with them. She thinks meeting his family gave them a connection no one else has, failing to consider whether the family found her anything to write home about. Clare thinks Nikki’s not mature enough to be a stepmom. They sit together, silently glowering. Clare is in green for her envy, while Nikki wears red as the siren.

After Chris shows up for his weekly unctious pronouncement of the arrival of the Rose Ceremony, JP repeats his spiel about how hard it is to say goodbye. He’s gotten pretty good at it, I’d say. As the moon rises over Miami, the girls line up like so many cheap souvenir chatchkes on your grandma’s curio shelf.

JP steps forward to solemnly utter words like amahzeen and dahseezhun and eempohdund. Nikki’s tongue gets the first rose, then Clare’s. The third rose goes to Renee, leaving Chelsie to go home and hang out with her important family alone. JP looks crestfallen. He probably sneaked a peek at her in the shower after the decision was already in. “Such a mistake. Huge mistake,” murmurs Clare, earning a glare from Nikki that could make a grilled cheese.

Chelsie rides off in the limo, consoled that JP felt so bad that she had to leave the show. He wanders off, a broken man, wishing he could meet her family.  She’s not going off to the gulag, for heaven’s sake. You still want to date her, go ahead, you giant doofus.

The Two-Day Bachelor Event next week will shock us  in even more ways, apparently, than the fact that JP did not feel the need to shave for his visits to the girls’ families.

 

  • Murghala

    How can he kiss his daughter with that overused mouth?

  • fuzzywuzzy

    “it has come to light that he was never even a genuine soccer player, but merely a benchwarmer.”

    lmao! More embellishment? Seriously, other than a debatable physical attractiveness, what does this guy have going for him?

  • lola

    zilch

  • Zapple

    So I’m sitting over on LemonZsus wondering where everyone is, and it hits me….

  • rindarocks

    Miami vice, here we come!

  • Zapple

    Did JP tell his brother about any of the other girls besides Charleen?

  • Murghala

    No, only her. So her imminent departure will be all the more shocking. Also nyah nyah nyah to Clare.

  • Zapple

    And now she’s going to leave. Maybe….

  • lola

    Oh lord. Looks like she’s not gonna leave.

  • Murghala

    “Have they talked about that?” Those two don’t bother talking.

  • Zapple

    I don’t think she can stand the idea of losing. So she wants to quit unless she has a 100 percent guarantee.

  • Murghala

    I wonder if Charleen is an opera singer like JP is a soccer player.

  • Murghala

    I think she realizes that after they do the hoochy-coochy, there’s not much else there.

  • Zapple

    So if she doesn’t sing opera anymore and he doesn’t play soccer anymore will they still be attracted to each other? Or will they just be two unemployed schlubs scratching out a life, hah.

  • Amy Beth

    None of them have talked about anything.

  • lola

    Together these two are the most boring couple I’ve ever seen in a reality show. And I’ve seen ‘em all!

  • Zapple

    I think she can do better, eheh

  • Zapple

    hah! I guess that means they’re perfect for each other!

  • rindarocks

    Is her family in the mafia or something?

  • Murghala

    I’m impressed that she can look down over him, and her face doesn’t get all smooshy like a basset hound’s.

  • Zapple

    She’s too embarrassed to introduce him. Bad sign.

  • lola

    Her parents will see right through him.

  • Murghala

    Totally agreed.

  • Zapple

    hee! Ah youth.

  • Murghala

    He’s too dumb to know that she just told him he’s stupid.

  • lola

    hahaha!

  • Zapple

    She is smart enough to know that you can’t make that kind of decision under these circumstances, in this time frame. But not smart enough to figure that out BEFORE she came on the show.

  • Murghala

    Did she say that? I must have spaced out for a minute or ten.

  • fuzzywuzzy

    It does’t sound like that’s very difficult. lol

  • Murghala

    But all that TV time!!! And all the exposure for her tongue.

  • lola

    Why does she think she’s the chosen one at the end?

  • Zapple

    Her competition is giving her a pep talk?

  • Murghala

    Oooh good, a catfight coming up. Because all of Sharleen’s introspection and waffling is really boring.

  • lola

    I think that’s odd too. they should just mention that he might not pick her so don’t get too invested.

  • Murghala

    That seems to be Renee’s role – psychologist and cheerleader.

  • Zapple

    I was thinking the same thing! Perked me right up.

  • lola

    Yes it is. I changed the cat box before waiting for a commercial.

  • Murghala

    Hahaha! Clumping?

  • lola

    Yes!

  • Murghala

    Why Neekee is meeting Camila, and not Sharleen? Hmmm?

  • Zapple

    Their dorkmeter will be bleeping loud and clear.

  • Murghala

    Uh oh, what if JP’s family calls her “Sharleen” since he told his cousin that Sharleen could be the one.

  • Murghala

    P.S. what a crappy bouquet

  • Zapple

    haha! Any longer with Sharleen and you’d being cleaning out your refrigerator.

  • Zapple

    Like ‘oh, you must be Sharleen, the one he raved about!’.

  • Murghala

    Wait! He didn’t give Sharleen a rose after their date??!! What does that mean?

  • Zapple

    omg, his daughter looks just like him!

  • Murghala

    Please note Mother of Camila is not at the big recital.

  • rindarocks

    so, all this is to get Camila some air time, she can carry a tune

  • Murghala

    Ha! Bachelorette Junior.

  • rindarocks

    I thought the brunette was the mother, no?

  • Murghala

    Ohhhhhh.How awkward.

  • Zapple

    oh yah, what’s up with that?

  • lola

    Didn’t even notice!

  • Zapple

    Too bad they don’t each get 10 minutes to chat with the mother. That could make short work of the whole thing.

  • Zapple

    I’m reading between the lines. She said she wasn’t ‘ready’ to introduce him to her family.

  • Murghala

    Good interpretation.

  • lola

    His office….a joke, right?

  • rindarocks

    ha, for sure

  • lola

    Nikki is so much spunkier than Sharleen. They don’t have anything to say to each other either!! This is so pathetic.

  • Zapple

    Baseball? What happened to soccer?

  • Murghala

    Maybe he sells hotdogs there.

  • lola

    So the show is a little different this season. Instead of whittling it down to 4 for the “hometown” dates he just picks some out of the ones that are left.

  • rindarocks

    he gets sports memorabilia for Venezualian baseball players for their hall of fame or something

  • lola

    Steals them?

  • http://mj Shnugs

    That’s a job?

  • Zapple

    It would be a clear message if you didn’t get picked. Pack you bags!

  • rindarocks

    seems the same to me, 4 roses for 4 hometowns

  • lola

    If she leaves I’m starting to like her more. In fact I could see her as the next Bachelorette. Would be interesting to see the quality of men who might apply. Although the show might be a little tedious!

  • Zapple

    Wow, she’s going to do it! Gotta respect that if she’s not sure.

  • Murghala

    “I’m going to be leaving tonight.” Sad faces all around. Inside YAY!!!

  • Zapple

    ohh you are SO RIGHT. Next Bachelorette!

  • lola

    LOL he’s not talking her into staying. That should tell her something.

  • rindarocks

    I think Renee’ for some reason

  • Zapple

    I’m a little surprised! I thought he’d at least give it half hearted shot.

  • Murghala

    One last tongue wrestle before leaving?

  • Zapple

    No more kissing!

  • rindarocks

    Did we all fall asleep?

  • Murghala

    This Andi is a whiner. She’s Sharleen Lite.

  • Murghala

    Pretty much. Where’s our catfight??

  • rindarocks

    We do have the teased drama between Clare and Nikki to look forward to

  • http://mj Shnugs

    How all of a sudden is every one of them deeply in love with him?

  • Murghala

    Do they get money if they are the last girl standing?

  • rindarocks

    This is the show format. Shocking every time it happens.

  • rindarocks

    Clare bugs me so much. It is not a rational dislike. It just is a girl dislike.

  • lola

    I am sick of him kissing.

  • Zapple

    I don’t know who’s crazier, Clare or Nikki.

  • Murghala

    Clare. She makes me want to scratch her eyes out.

  • Zapple

    It’s gettin’ icky isn’t it. hah When he doesn’t know what to say he wants to make out.

  • Zapple

    She just want to WIN! Like most popular girl in her yearbook. JP is an afterthought.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    She’s so smug.

  • lola

    She’s the mean girl. (knew so many of them). Clare I mean.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    The variety of bacteria thriving in his mouth is terrifying to contemplate.

  • Amy Beth

    I’m kind of bummed we’re not gonna see Sharleen’s family. We’re getting cheated out of the most awkward dinner EVER!

  • Murghala

    You do get the impression that they are all professors and pulitzer prize winners.

  • lola

    I agree. Now if she’s the next Bachlorette we will! Have a feeling, though, she wasn’t popular with the viewers so it won’t be her..

  • Murghala

    She’s beautiful, she’s sexy, she’s amazing, she pulls in six figures.

  • Zapple

    hah! Good point! DARN!

  • Zapple

    He wants SO BAD to be with a smart girl. Now that Sharleen is gone, he has to double up his efforts on Andi the lawyer.

  • Murghala

    Clare is a hairdresser. Not such a good paycheck.

  • Zapple

    If I was Nikki, I’d go sit on Clare’s bed now.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    What the hell just happened? And why was it in the dark?

  • rindarocks

    That was the most non-fight fight I have ever seen.

  • lola

    I keep switching over to “america’s worst cooks”. Am back now.

  • rindarocks

    Did Renee’ get a spray tan?

  • Zapple

    Probably more cooking over there anyway!

  • Zapple

    Clare with 5 older bitchy sisters? That explains a lot of her behavior.

  • Zapple

    Well, they are in Miami…..

  • rindarocks

    Crickets, lol

  • lola

    I think I am team Renee now.

  • Murghala

    Where is Andi and Renee?

  • Zapple

    Dead air!

  • rindarocks

    She has definitely stayed above the fray, and wears little makeup, she is my favorite…but me wonders why she always counsels the others

  • Murghala

    She’s very sweet and far too good for JP.

  • lola

    I’m thinking she just “gets” it. She knows she may not make it until the end so she tries to be her best nice self even if it means pumping up the other girls. No drama for her.

  • lola

    Half this season has been this!

  • lola

    Whew!

  • Murghala

    Another blonde bites the dust.

  • Zapple

    I guess she over shared her mail with him.

  • lola

    2 nights…Might have to tape one of them.

  • Murghala

    What is the fantasy suite?

  • rindarocks

    over night dates, no cameras

  • lola

    You don’t want to know.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    No cameras? WHAT IS THE POINT?

  • http://mj Shnugs

    And what about Camila?

  • rindarocks

    the most funny thing is Chris Harrison’s canned printed invite that reads.the.same.every.time

  • lola

    who? :-)

  • rindarocks

    since there are no cameras, they often say the still want to go to “get to know one another better without all of the cameras around”

  • lola

    Has them printed in bulk. Cheaper that way.

  • Zapple

    They’ll stretch out 30 minutes worth of material to 2 nights. It’ll be thin.

  • Zapple

    And Andi leaves in tears? hmmm, what could have disappointed her so?

  • Guest

    LMAO!!! SHARLEEN LEFT THAT FREAKING DON JUAN!!! ILOVE IT I CAN’T STAND LAUGHING!!!!!

  • breakdown

    He cried when he eliminated what’s her name but he didn’t have a word to say to her on the way out! He’s really turned into quite a creepy guy.

  • Lynn Di Resto

    Juan Pablo is a phony and just want to be famous. All the women should walk out on him.