It’s the second consecutive night of overwrought encounters on The Bachelorette, when finally we will witness the much-ballyhooed scene leading to Kenny’s bloody eye injury. It’s like waiting for the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight to begin on pay-per-view, except the participants will have used more Baxter of California Soft Water Pomade.
In the latest B’ette news, we learn that DeMario, he of the unmentioned girlfriend, claims now that she was fake and, in fact, he did not have sexual relations with that woman. History has shown us that’s not a good tactic. However, he did have sexual relations with that Corinne on BIP, where they bonded over their shared experience of being hated by tweeters across the country.
More importantly, American Ninja Warrior beat The Bachelorette for the top ratings slot last night. People must prefer to watch contestants overcome challenging obstacles without drinking.
Another source elucidates why the experiences of the average reality show dater are “not actually the place I would look for sound dating advice.” A person actually felt the need to point that out. However, the author suggests that in Rachel’s case, her legal training makes her better able to wrangle the problems that come with sacrificing your self-respect for a few weeks of TV exposure. Throughout her season, it is asserted, she has dealt with the panoply of man-meat before her in a way that’s fair-minded, pragmatic, and nothing like Gloria Allred. They should put Rachel’s face on a stamp.
Now Chris claims Kenny and Lee have hated each other since the day they met. I don’t remember that, but then I have trouble remembering if I took my fish oil. Tonight, shrieks Chris, it’s a battle for their survival. At the show’s start, Rachel is confused out there in the Norwegian wilderness where we left her. Who should she believe, Kenny, Lee, or the script?
We return at the point when Kenny is confronting Lee for lying to Rachel. He assures Lee that if he ever got physical with him, the man would know it. He’s already familiar with Kenny being verbally abusive. Then Rachel arrives to offer her assessment of the situation. Trust is really important for her. Therefore, because each man tells a different story, she must decide whom she trusts. To help, she’ll rewatch Rashomon.
It turns out Rachel is sending Lee home because she doesn’t trust him–who would, with that smarmy punim?–but Kenny does not get the rose either. Lee tries to dis Kenny one last time, but Rachel cuts him off. She wants to spend more time with Kenny and learn what a short-stack of Southern trash means. But although the pair are supposed to leave together, she’s forced to observe disgustedly from the helicopter as Kenny returns to argue with Lee one last time.
Back at the suite, the guys observe Lee returning silently for his luggage. How do they go away for weeks and only ever have one suitcase? Meanwhile, Rachel prepares to meet up with Kenny again. Determined to ferret out his motives, she gets down to business right away. Why did he chase after Lee that one last time, leaving her alone in the copter and with that much less camera time?
“I’m verbal,” Kenny explains, which is another way of saying he probably isn’t cordial if you accidentally cut him off on the highway. He doesn’t bottle things up, but that’s not a problem because he has a very long fuse. Even though he blew his top at Lee and called him names that would impress Shakespeare, he insists there will always be love in everything he says to Rachel, including “we’re out of Cheerios.”
Rachel feels he is genuine and sincere. She doesn’t question if he’s there for the right reasons, which we know is the ultimate litmus test, so he gets the rose. Those strawberries look good, too. He declares he’s feeling vindicated and validated, two selections from his Word of the Day calendar. Later, he calls his daughter, sobbing with relief that he’s got her first year of college almost paid for now.
Pre-Rose Ceremony, I still don’t remember a lot of these guys’ names. Rachel has found this week stressful, so she will seriously evaluate whom she can build a future with. It’s week six and she still hasn’t done that?
Wearing a giant Jiffy Pop lid, she prepares to present her roses. The first one goes to Dean, followed by Eric and Peter. No surprises there. Next come Alex and Adam. What happened to the doll? He was the most interesting one on the show. Josiah has been complaining about being superior to all the other men, and how he will be shocked if he is overlooked. So he will be. The final rose goes to Matt.
An angry Josiah cannot articulate Rachel’s decision-making, but he’ll probably have a good time on BIP anyway. Eric says she has to do what’s best for her, which is easy for him to say with a rose in his lapel. Rachel acknowledges that she must make the hard goodbyes to get what she wants, similar to how I must reduce carbs to get to my goal weight.
Next day, Rachel rides a bike through a square in Denmark. Shakespeare was inspired to write Hamlet while staying nearby. These guys are only inspired to live How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.
The first one-on-one date is with Eric. They’ll explore Copenhagen, which I hear is wonderful, wonderful. Eric is intent to make his mark. He’s such a romantic. Getting down to brass tacks, he asks how many kids Rachel wants. Please, first find out what religion she is and how she tales her coffee. Rachel wants four kids, so I hope she has maternity coverage. They then come upon people sitting in hot tubs right in the street, so they somehow don bathing suits and join them. It’s such obviously spontaneous fun!
The group date card arrives at the hotel. It includes Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, Kenny, and Adam. Kenny is frustrated, though, because he hasn’t had the opportunity to move their relationship forward. Last night they must have just talked about the weather.
Eric and Rachel ride bumper cars and play whack-a-mole, both of which seem like a good test of a relationship. At dinner, Eric becomes somber as he describes his childhood. It was without love, so every time love would come, he would run. It sounds like one of Lee’s country songs. Rachel is pleased she could help make him ready for love, so he gets the rose. He cheers like he won a stuffy at the shooting gallery. I suspect he is not really ready for love.
The group date is in Roskilde, where they will board a Viking ship. Everyone must row, so it must have been less of a discount from the Danish tourism board. They arrive on land to meet a couple of Viking fighting instructors. I wonder what that pays. And why does every date force the guys to dress in funny outfits and compete aggressively? Although to be fair, it’s similar to dating in the 70’s.
Finally we see the blood. Adam and Kenny wham into each other and their shields hit them both in the face. Curse you, show! I wanted to see a pending lawsuit, or at least, a guest role on Botched.
At the after-party, Rachel wants to see who’s rising above the rest. Maybe she should just administer Meyers-Brigg and take it from there. They toast to all the violence of the day’s theme. First Bryan goes off with Rachel and immediately gloms onto her mouth. It can only be more special for them, he enthuses. She’s not sure. They live in two different cities, after all, and that’s never happened to anyone before. Also, will his family accept her? He says if he loves her, they will. That didn’t work for my dog and my mailman.
With Peter, Rachel goes over the same ground about her being unable to vocalize her feelings. Yet she has no issue making out with everyone and his uncle Joe. Meanwhile, breaking news: Josiah liked my tweet about him. He really is all about Josiah.
Rachel feels the guys have all embodied the Viking spirit, which is odd since raping and pillaging are generally not considered positive attributes. She next meets with Kenny, who finds the process more and more difficult, he admits. He’s worried about the effects of his absence on his daughter. Rachel appreciates that, but she’s not sure where they are right now, so she says he should go home. Kenny can spend more time with his daughter while being rejected via e-harmony.com.
Rachel returns to the guys to let them know about Kenny’s departure. She adds that all their conversations tonight were productive and meaningful, then presents the rose to Peter. She realizes she must be open and vulnerable if she is to find love. Why start now?
She meets up with Will the next day, and announces they’re going to Sweden. They’ll immerse themselves in the culture, which includes enjoying lots of Swedish Fish and meatballs. They play a game in the park with the locals, horse around while having beer, and meet several blond people, including a couple who’ve been married even longer than ABC has been broadcasting the show.
But there’s something missing from her relationship with Will. The most he does is hold her hand, and she wants more from him, perhaps an arm around the shoulders or a quick motor-boating. She feels she should talk to him about resolving this issue. If it doesn’t work out, she’ll have nixed guy #3 in a single episode. That’s more than I dated in all of 1987.
Back in Copenhagen for dinner. It’s so madcap and sophisticated, I keep expecting Cary Grant to walk in and ask if Will is there for the right reasons. The couple toasts to moving forward before Rachel ventures into the critical territory. She wants to know more about the kind of girl he likes and what he looks for in a relationship. He’s mostly dated white girls, he says, so that’s not a promising start.
At the hotel, the other guys sit around in their t-shirts and discuss Will’s dating history. I had no idea guys talked this way. If they were all wearing fluffy slippers and eating Duncan Hines brownies, they could be me and my gal pals in high school.
What kind of boyfriend is he, questions Rachel of Will. He says he’s caring and passionate, but may have emphasized hot, mindless sex over bringing her flowers. However, recently he experienced a deeper relationship, and enjoyed the aspects of it that did not require lubricant. Rachel is concerned that she’s not getting that physical intimacy from him.
Seizing the rose, she tells him of her concerns. He is tongue-tied when he should have had it in her mouth. Maybe he just doesn’t like making out in front of a bunch of Swedes. As a result, she doesn’t give him the rose. They bid each other goodbye in the rainy, cobblestoned streets of Copenhagen. They stole this scene from Hans Christian Andersen.
Next day, Rachel walks on a windswept rocky beach while musing moodily about all the men she’s rejected. At Rose Ceremony time, the guys feel anxious and uncertain. Except Bryan, of course. Rachel enters the room, where only four roses await dispensation to the worthy. She quotes Hamlet: “To thine own self be true.” Better they should be in Spain so she could quote Miguel de Cervantes: “The knowledge of yourself will preserve you from vanity.”
Suddenly, Rachel wells up with tears and leaves the room, which explains the dramatic train on her gown. The guys just stand there until she returns. Tonight’s goodbyes are the hardest she’s had to say, she tells them, acknowledging that she has finally figured out all these people’s names.
The first rose is for Bryan. They’re not even trying to fool us about him. Next is Matt, which is just weird. She’s barely talked with him. He’s followed by Dean and then. . .swelling music. . . Adam. Alex is going home, probably in economy class.
Next week, Rachel cries some more, Peter blames himself for something, and they ride another boat. Chris recommends we don’t miss a second of this unbelievable journey, although we could experience basically the same events watching any episode from the previous 12 seasons online.