Tonight, the top 12–or the 12 who didn’t get kicked off last week for being lauded with slightly fewer superlatives than these other kids–will compete tonight in their first Mystery Box challenge. For those unfamiliar with the term, that’s like when I open my fridge and try to make dinner for four from the half a lemon, Dijon mustard, leftover General Tso’s chicken, and six jars containing an inch of grape jelly that are there. Figuring out dessert is a bitch.
For their second dish, the kids will be charged with producing a “restaurant-quality” burger. Please, everyone knows it’s all about the toppings. You can slap some cheese and a couple pieces of bacon on a warm tennis ball and that’s a burger you can serve to Jeffrey Steingarten.
Here we go…Gordon congratulates the kids for making it to this round, and tells them there’s a prize beyond the kitschy trophy: $100,000! The winner will be able to afford three months of of culinary school in 2021.
The kids rush to their stations, where they’ll have one hour to create a dish from any combination of the ingredients in their boxes. But Gordon tells them that there’s one ingredient has never been used before in this challenge. They struggle to lift the huge wooden boxes and find…filet mignon, tiger shrimp, puff pastry, bleu cheese, mixed berries, and some other stuff that does not include Vienna sausages or Underwood deviled ham. The fabulous unknown ingredient turns out to be a tablet that they can use to call a friend or family member for advice. It’s like the lifeline on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? I wonder if any of them have Geoffrey Zakarian’s number.
As the kids are frantically chopping, stirring, and sauteing, the judges stroll around harassing them. Graham tells one girl rhapsodically, “You’re 12 years old and this is your first mystery box,” like she just started menstruating, then asks how being so young affects all the kids’ ability. Lay off the age thing already, will you? Do you like people constantly asking how being a big dweeb affects your cooking skills?
The dishes these kids produce are suspiciously professional-looking. One of those news magazine shows needs to do an expose. Chris Hansen hosts To Catch a Food Stylist. Gordon says three of the dishes qualify as the “stand-outs” and those will be the ones the judges try. All the other kids get their blankies out from under the counter and snuggle them.
Alexander is first with a pan-seared filet with garlic mashed potatoes, some very pretty carrots, and a spicy berry sauce. I feel kind of bad that he could play the young Queen Mother in a biopic. Graham asks how old he is, of course. Does he think the producers smuggled in a dwarf he’s supposed to identify?
Jack used both the shrimp and the filet, making a surf and turf with a mushroom cream sauce and a potato puff. Okay, please print the kid’s ages on their aprons or we’re going to be continually hearing this same question from the judges all season. The child is overcome with joy at the compliments, suggesting there may be reason for medication if he doesn’t do well another time.
Troy is next. He made a demi-glace, the smug little bastard, for a dish which another kid says he “presentated” beautifully.
Of those three, the kid who prevails gets an advantage in the next round. Jack wins it and falls to the ground with rapture. You’d never see Morimoto do that. Alexander looks disgruntled, which isn’t too far from his standard expression.
Jack’s advantage is that he is now in control of the Elimination Test. In the back room, the judges show him three cloches, underneath which are their favorite dishes from when they were young. Joe’s was chicken wings in a “tangy” (“Buffalo” must be trademarked) sauce. Graham, who obviously gained weight as an adult, loved hamburgers. Gordon was fond of fish fingers, clearly the pre-breaded sort that come frozen in a box from the supermarket. He must have started yelling at bad cooks when he reached puberty.
Jack does not have to participate in this challenge, which would seem like a punishment if in fact the show were actually about cooking instead of winning. He also gets to decide which favorite judge food everyone else will have to make. He retires to the balcony with a presumably non-alcoholic beverage in a pineapple.
The rest of the kids, as we know, must make a burger. The creator of the two least-praised dishes will leave the competition. The judges discuss what they would prepare for the challenge. Gordon likes a burger with mature cheddar. How old is that cheese, Gordon?
Again the judges torment the kids as they labor over their time-limited preparations. Molly is doing an Asian-style burger, a decision she questions after Gordon appears to talk with her. He has that effect on a lot of people, kid. Tommy is making a “breakfast burger” with orange American cheese, which Gordon sneers at. Jewels has a lamb burger that Graham fears will be dry despite a tzatziki sauce that contains every dairy product short of ice cream. Joe tries psychological threats on Alexander, telling him his nemesis Jack has accused him of overthinking his mini fried onion rings. Sara resents Jack suggesting from his loft above that she’s in trouble with her dish. She WILL remember that come the pate choux round.
Alexander’s up first again with his sliders on brioche buns. He’s made this complicated dish many times before, he explains jovially. It’s perfectly normal for a tween to whip up some black garlic aioli after he finishes his algebra homework.
Next Tommy approaches with his turkey burger and tater tot offering. Gordon despises him for his weakness and his terrible cheese selection.
Gavin brings an Italian burger with grilled onions and a side salad. Joe approves, after describing exactly how Italian he is despite a last name that isn’t.
Sarah made an all-American burger with pineapple, which is received with mild approval; Jewels did end up with dry lamb; and Kaylen made a beef and pork patty with a garlic chip that earns kudos. Molly is nervous about her Korean barbecue burger with kimchi. Gordon loves her tenacity, but criticizes the overcooked beef, like on American Idol when Paula Abdul used to tell contestants they looked beautiful before bashing their singing. Meanwhile, Joe emphasizes mournfully what a disappointment it is when what you planned in your head doesn’t work out. I bet his mother feels the same way about him. The girls are getting slammed in this round.
Gavin gets a win and so does Alexander, as well as Kaylen. The three losers–or the ones who “didn’t quite hit those high notes we were looking for”–are Jewels, Tommy, and Molly. Once again, their ages are given, but also their hometowns, so maybe the judges also plan to fixate on geography as it affects cooking skills. Jewels is asked to step forward. She is told she did just enough to remain safe. The same could be said for Joe and staying out of jail.
It is Tommy and Molly whose journey on MCJ ends tonight. The good news is now they can use all the processed cheese they like. Molly announces she will one day open a restaurant where she serves properly cooked Asian-style burgers that she cooks with tenacity.
Next week it appears there will be a cream-whipping contest. I can hardly wait. See you then!
