Blaine and Sam take a road trip to New York City as they plan for a future beyond the halls McKinley High School. Rachel helps Sam put together a modeling portfolio, which he takes to an agency run by a bitchy agent named Bichette (Tyra Banks), who gives him a huge dose of this-is-how-it-is. Meanwhile, Blaine considers a life outside of the world of performance.
As always, I’ll be back with a longer recap later!
I still hate the Lima side of Glee, but at least “Movin’ Out” didn’t make me want to stab my eyeballs out. I can handle a kinder and gentler Sue. And Will at a minimum is just how I like it. Also. Did you see what I see? I think Rachel and Sam have the beginnings of a somethin’ somethin’ going on. Wouldn’t that be…odd.
Oh. It’s career week at McKinley, and Sue has invited representatives from every horrible job you can think of (DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT) to come and talk to students. Will is livid there is no booth for the arts. Sue insists there is no career in the arts, calling the pursuit unrealistic and narcissistic. She has a point. I didn’t know “Fecal Sculpture” was a job! But she does invite Will to set up a booth so he can regale the kids with stories about how his Broadway dreams turned into leading a Glee club full of losers. She also compares his hair to Olympia Dukakis’ merkin.
Back in the choir room, Will explains to the class that a career in the arts holds impossible odds. “But I’ve always believed that you HAVE TO PERSUE WHAT YOU LOVE,” he says. Yes. A life time of unemployment is worth following your dreams! So, Will assigns the class Billy Joel songs, because of the singer-songwriter’s well-known struggles in the music business (had a label, lost a label, got another label, became a worldwide star). Kitty is very disappointed when the goofy looking kid the class will be celebrating is not Marilyn Manson. Close! says Will.
Here comes the part where someone feigns ignorance about the icon the class is about to study (Unique, in this case) and another kid is all WATCHOOTALINGABOUTHE’SONLYTHEBIGGESTSTAREVAH. After which, an expository section of rattling said star’s stats commences (Artie’s in charge this time). Sadly, Blaine and Sam will be missing Billy Joel week, because they are road tripping to New York City. BUDDY MOVIE. Blaine will be auditioning for NYADA while Sam is interviewing with the theater department at Hunter College. And as is typical in Glee world, it’s the end of the school year, and graduating seniors are only now applying to colleges. THAT’S NOT HOW THE REAL WORLD WORKS. Hunter loved Sam’s reel of impressions, and he’s up for some Hunter College stripper grant, or something. Of course, before they go, they join forces to sing “Movin’ Out.” Because that’s what they’ll be doing if this freaking school year EVER ENDS FOR GODS SAKE.
Or, as Sam says, their own very special take on a classic BJ. He nearly gives Blaine a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack when he says it.
Movin’ Out – Blaine and Sam
Just so you know: Blaine is the designated piano man in this episode, playing on 3 of the songs he performs, INCLUDING the classic “Piano Man.” But I’m ahead of myself.
Still singing, Sam and Blaine head out the door, grab their stuff, and before you know it they are rising from the subway in Brooklyn. They grab a bus, and end their song as they open the front door of the loft. And it’s a big surprise! Hugs all around.
Back in Lima, Artie approaches Becky, who is randomly adorned in a bee bonnet. For some reason, he’s hyper-interested in her future. Even though she says college is for suckers, he’s thinking she hasn’t really given the idea a chance. Sue, lurky-lurking as usual, comes by to break up the conversation. As Sue wheels Artie away, she tells him to lay off Becky who is perfectly happy AND SAFE being her “becatery.” Yeah “muppet Steven Hawking” just inserted himself into a situation he knows nothing about. Sue isn’t ready to let go of Becky yet. Obvs.
Marley opens her locker, and a dozen roses fall out. She rolls her eyes and kicks them aside. Jake comes up behind her as she’s leaving and tries to hand her a single rose. He’s sorry. So so sorry for cheating. But Marley is having none of that. Everyone tried to warn her. Once a player, always a player. But she had to learn the hard way when she fell for him, only to have her heart broken when he slept with the evil Bree.
Cut to the spotlight diner, where Rachel and Santana are waiting tables. Rachel has kept her job despite landing a huge Broadway role (would that actually ever happen?). The idea is to stay in touch with Fanny Brice’s working class roots. Or have a reason to appear in scenes with the others. There’s Blaine and Sam having a bite to eat! Kurt rushes over wondering if they liked his tourist recommendations. They loved checking out the deconstructed bathhouse where Tennessee Williams got into a fistfight with Tallulah Bankhead. But nah, they were mostly visiting colleges. Kurt wonders why Blaine is bothering, when his NYADA audition will surely win over Carmen, no worries! Blaine wants a few fall back options (which is actually what a normal person would do.)
Kurt brushes away that nuisance thought like a pesky fly, and suggests Blaine sing for the crowd. Yep, a random guy could just get up and play at one of those singing diner places! He sits at the piano with a jar for his bread, and sings “Piano Man.” Sam pulls out a harmonica. There’s even an old man making love with…well, not a tonic and gin. But you get the idea. Kurt stands back, looking so proud of his man! Ya’ll are going to know him when his name is in lights, says Kurt. NO WAY YOU’RE NOT GETTING INTO NYADA! You all have to be stopped, says Santana. I love her.
Piano Man – Blaine
Artie isn’t giving up. He approaches Becky with a stack of college brochures from schools that have inclusive programs for kids like Becky with Down syndrome. “What do you want?” she demands, “A threesome with Kitty?” Uhm. No. When Artie explains himself, Becky tells him to mind his own business, and stomps off.
In the weight room, Ryder demands to know what the hell is wrong with Jake that he’d do such a stupid thing as mess up the greatest thing he ever had in his life. We’re back to Jake 1.0, before he met Marley and got a talking to by big brother Noah. Jake’s message is basically “I’m an asshole. Get involved at your own risk.” Either learn to like the real Jake Puckerman, or leave him the hell alone. MAN.
That little exchange is a cue to launch into an angry rendition of “My Life” that takes the action from the weight room to the choir room, where Jake throws in a back flip or two, in between staring down Marley. Oh. The makeup people didn’t forget that Jake got a Star of David tattoo over Christmas with big brother. There it is on his shoulder. I’ll take any continuity when it comes on Glee. On his way, he twirls with Bree and stops by the girls locker room to dance with a few towel-clad beauties.
My Life – Jake
Back in New York City, Sam sits in an interview at Hunter College and it’s awkward as hell. He claims to have improved his grades by doing an impression of a good student. Also, he wants to go to Hunter because it would be really cool, and stuff, to go to school in New York. And he’s noticed there are more girls than boys at Hunter. He likes that because of he’s totally into feminist issues. Like, if a guy can go shirtless on the beach why can’t chicks, erm girls. And hey, lady I’m interviewing with, I just noticed you are black. Do you happen to know Mercedes Jones? Pretty much a disaster.
Back at the loft, Sam admits to Rachel that he really doesn’t want to go to college, but feels obligated. It’s all those United Negro College Fund commercials he watched as a kid. Rachel says in life, it’s knowing what to cross off your list that you don’t want. It’s perfectly fine to be college free. Sam confesses that ever since he was a little kid, he’s dreamed about being a male model He’s fantasized about sitting at a bus stop and seeing himself emblazoned across the side, wearing nothing but underwear, his junk as big as a car! He just looks at it, and it’s awesome. Then some random guy comes by and says to him in Spanish “Your junk is as big as a car.” Rachel, is a little freaked out, but pledges to help him get some modeling shots to take around to agencies.
Back in Lima, Artie has called Becky into the auditorium so he can hopefully change her mind about college with a song. He sings a perfectly lovely rendition of “Honesty” which makes me wonder why Kevin McHale doesn’t sing more. Damn you Darren Criss! After, Becky is all confused, thinking the song is a love confession and Artie about to show her his purple mushroom. Eep. Nope. It is just Artie’s way of telling Becky that she needs to be honest with him, and herself. Artie is convinced she wants to go to college (So. Artie is a mind reader?) but she’s scared. He’s scared too. Remember just weeks ago (MONTHS AGO UGH) when Kitty forced Artie to face his own fears? Becky admits that wants college, but is afraid she’ll be made fun of again. Artie promises that he’s her friend and will always have her back. They hug it out.
Honesty – Artie
Cut to the cafeteria, where Marley is helping her lunch lady mom peel some potatoes. She reveals that even though she knows better, she still has some feelings for Jake. Mom commiserates. She has her own history with bad boys. How do you think she ended up a single mom? Marley’s just glad they didn’t have sex, which mom calls “the humpty hump,” demonstrating with weird shoulder rolls that are supposed to simulate sex, or something. I’ll never unsee that. Mom reminds Marley that she’ll never get back her first time, and it should be with someone she can trust.
Back in NYC, Rachel has set up a shoot with the Funny Girl photographer. Sam poses in various outfits as the female photog eggs him on. Cowboy, businessman, nerd. How about you’re so hot you had to take your clothes off? asks the photog. Strip it off! says Rachel. And he does, down to his underwear. When Rachel approaches him with some oil, they totally have a moment. Like TOTALLY. Would Ryan Murphy go there? Would he?
Uh oh. Back at McKinley, Sue calls Artie to her office. She pulls out a sledge hammer and one of those ear bulbs used to clear out wax. She forgets about the hammer, but threatens his ear with the bulb. Because surely, he could not hear when she warned him to stay the hell away from Becky. As if a principal could tell a student how to conduct his personal relationships with his peers. Yuck to Sue as principal, bullying people around. We’ve been there and done that. It’s neither fun nor funny. Thankfully, it doesn’t last long, because Artie stands up to her, and gets her to back down pretty quickly. When Sue insists that Becky isn’t ready, Artie forces her to face that SHE’S not ready.
Artie has found a “really good” program for students at the University of Cincinnati, and he’s going to take her there for a tour, whether Sue likes it OR NOT. She softens, wanting a full report when Artie gets back.
Ryder stops Marley in the hall to ask her out on a date. You know, other than that catfish thing, he’s been pining for her since he met her. Marley turns him down. What she’s been through was really painful, and she needs a little break from men. Actually, she still has feelings for Jake, but she does not say that. Ryder promises that he’s a really good guy who would never hurt her. And of course she’s thinking BORING. But she promises to consider his offer.
That’s Ryder’s cue to stare into a nearby mirror to sing “Innocent Man.” The song eventually takes him to the choir room where he serenades Marley right in front of Jake. DON’T BE AFRAID TO LOVE MEEEE. I’LL SAVE YOUUU. When he asks her again if she’ll go out with him, she’s charmed and says yes. Jake bolts, angrily.
An Innocent Man – Ryder
Back in New York, Kurt is helping Blaine prepare for his NYADA audition. While he’s picking out clothes for his betrothed to wear, Blaine fidgets nervously and says, “I have to tell you something.” And Kurt’s like OH HELL NO. YOU DIDN’T CHEAT ON ME AGAIN. I WILL NOT ACCEPT SEX ADDICTION AS AN EXCUSE. Cause, Blaine is acting all nervous the way he did at Callbacks. He’s not crying while singing “Teenage Dream,” at least.
But no. The bad news this time is that he’s decided not to audition for NYADA. He’s thinking he should go to a college that offers other courses of study. Like, Blaine loves kids and he might want to teach. And he’s always had a secret passion to be a doctor. And Kurt’s like, “Yes, we’ve had so many conversations about you wanting to study medicine NOT.” Ooh. Blaine’s first guy crush was on ER’s George Clooney. And then we see an adorable baby Blainers playing the classic Milton Bradley game, Operation [PRODUCT PLACEMENT].
Blaine is sooo relieved to get this off his chest, but Kurt is laughing, cause he knows Blaine. THEY’RE ENGAGED FOR CRIPES SAKE. And he’s scared. So was Kurt when he first moved to NYC. He is convinced Blaine will get into NYADA. But even if he doesn’t, he’s going to find the spotlight because he’s a performer. “You can’t shy away from your greatness, just because you don’t think you’re great enough,” says Kurt. “You have a gift and it wouldn’t be right to let you hide that away.”
Blaine is touched. “Thanks for knowing me,” he says. “I LOVE YOU.” Aw. “I LOVE YOU TOO,” says Kurt. And a big Klaine hug. “We’re in this together,” says Kurt. “I can’t stop you from failing, but I can promise to make it safe if you do.” SNIFF.
Artie and Becky roam the University of Cincinnati campus with a tour guide. They end up in a class of Down Syndrome students who are learning living skills like bill paying bills and budgeting money. Right away, one of the boys gives her the eye. When one of the students asks if Artie is her boyfriend, she says “No. He has herpes.” Gee. Becky says the darndest things! She sits in on the class.
Back in NYC, Sam sits in the offices of the House of Bichette modeling agency. Supermodel, Tyra Banks, plays the company’s namesake, and, as the name implies, she’s all bitchy hard edges. Bichette, or BITCHETTE as Sam pronounces it, is there to toss some truth bombs at Sam. Like, he’ll make no money at first, and less than his female counterparts. He’s one pretty boy out of thousands and will hear the word NO a lot. His mouth is so unusual..it’s so…. “Trouty” Sam finishes for her. “Your Midwestern eyes have the vacant stare of a cow’s. I don’t have any of those on the roster,” Bichette purrs. When Sam appears undaunted by the rigors of posing for the camera, Bichette tells him she’s willing to give him a try. But he’s got to lose 10 pounds. The camera loves starvation.
Back at the loft, the kids are chilling. Blaine bought a PIANO for the loft, as a gift for letting him and Sam stay there. What about flowers, or maybe a box of chocolates? Blaine’s family must really have some money. Santana bitches that there’s no room for it. She’s so annoyed that Kurt and his hag Berry will be “tickling those ivories belting out gay hits from Rent and Showboat.”
When Sam reveals he’s on a “mentoes and flavored air diet,” Rachel says it’s ridiculous. Kurt agrees he doesn’t need to be prison camp skinny to model and should find a new agency. Sam’s all no no. House of Bichette is the best agency in town. Blaine thinks they need to sing it out, as he takes a seat at the piano. Santana rolls her eyes. She’s not into the spontaneous sing alongs. It’s bad enough that they’re all singing waiters.
As Santana walks off, the rest sing “I Love You Just the Way You Are” as a message to Sam. But of course, Santana can’t resist, and she’s back, singing enthusiastically into a hair brush. Kurt and Santana, Rachel and Sam pair up to dance. The latter look kind of cozy, and definitely share a glance when it’s all over. Hm. Samchel? Ram? Bevens? I suck at ship names. And what happened to that skeevy nurse Sam was dating? The performance, with just the 5 voices and piano is lovely, sophisticated. If this is the future of Glee SIGN ME UP.
Just The Way You Are – Rachel, Kurt, Santana, Blaine, Sam
Back in Lima, Sue wants to know why Becky hasn’t told her all about her college visit. Becky is afraid to hurt Sue’s feelings, but she admits that it was awesome. She’s outgrown the high school bitches. She’s ready for college. Sue is sad to be losing the best secretary since the pre-collagen injected Melanie Griffith in Working Girl, but she’s more proud than sad. Aw. This is a Sue Sylvester I can handle. She helps Becky with her application, informing her that she can’t use the words “crap” and “douche” even if she’s talking about Greydon Carter. Oh you sneaky, Ryan Murphy. I see you sticking up for your BFF Gwyneth Paltrow.
Back at McKinley, Ryder shares a photo on instagram that he took with Marley on their date. As she walks beside him. looking uncomfortable, Jakes sneaks up from behind, putting his arms around both. Are you guys really a thing? He asks. “It’s none of your business anymore,” sniffs Ryder. “Cool,” says Jake as he backs away. And that was pretty much all it took for Marley to clarify with Ryder that just because they went out once, doesn’t mean they’re a thing. She still needs time “for me” aka “I’m still in love with Jake.”
Sue and Becky work on a new Career Fair booth. It’s for the arts. She caved! Sue wants to drench it in glitter and hoist 3 dozen rainbow flags. Becky is all cute in her “I love Cincinnati” and “Bearcats” buttons. Will comes by, wanting to know why Sue is finally coming around. She figures everyone deserves a shot at their dreams, even if they are hopelessly misguided. Of course, her allowing Becky to chase her dream of college, softened her up. The booth becomes a shrine to the only celebrity to come from Lima. Phyllis Diller. No really. It does. And I had no idea Phyllis Diller was from Lima.
When Tina overhears Sue say that the New Directions will be, in a few decades, on unemployment or sexually pleasing some horny casting director so they can be extras on season 33 of The Bachelorette, she bursts into the hallway, declaring they ALL will be stars. Just then, Blam returns! And then we learn that Blaine CRUSHED his NYADA audition. (AND WE DIDN’T GET TO SEE IT WHAT THE HELL). Sam informs everyone that Billy Joel never went to college. Then he calls out Will for not telling the class. So he’s skipping college too to follow his male modeling dreams. “You’re too fat,” says Sue. NO I’M NOT says Sam who doesn’t care what MISS BITCHette or anyone has to say about it.
When Will makes a move, like he’s going to break into song, Sue goes all meta and says, “Over my dead body will you inexplicably shoe horn another Billy Joel song just to punctuate one of your weekly lessons that inevitably veers off into a saccharine barrage of angst and affirmation.” And of course, that’s exactly what they do. The entire club and half the school end up on the auditorium stage happy dancing while singing “You May Be Crazy” at the top of their lungs. The end.
You May Be Right – The New Directions