The Bachelorette 2017 Premiere Live Blog and Recap

It’s the event you’ve been praying for these last few months: Impeachment. Of your character because you’re voluntarily watching Season 13 of The Bachelorette.

Tonight, the lovely Rachel Lindsay, who was rejected earlier this year by Nick Viall—dodging a bullet more lethal than the American Health Care Act—will meet 31 guys interested in raising their Q scores. The Texas-based attorney (I actually remember that, mostly because it’s unusual for anyone on the show to have a job title they’re not embarrassed to put on LinkedIn) also has the distinction of being the first person of color to star in the franchise. Juan-Pablo Galavis, a Venezuelan who led 2013’s Bachelor, was the first Latino to choose a bride and quickly dump her, as well as the first to make even the producers regret being associated with the show.

According to a rare leak that is not from the White House, Rachel is currently engaged, presumably to a man with veneers and last year’s favored haircut. That’s in Bachelorette time, though, which doesn’t relate to our Gregorian calendar, so odds are low for the relationship to last beyond Arbor Day 2018.

In other news, one of this season’s men has already fanned the flames of scandal, which is doubly bad since he’s a firefighter. Apparently unaware of the existence of the internet, Bryce Powers replied to a question about his biggest dating fear by saying, probably while clutching a Bud and grunting, “The chick is actually a dude.” The good news is that now both chicks and dudes know to avoid this doofus.

Before we begin the recap, it’s incumbent upon me to address the elephant in the room, and I don’t mean Steve Bannon. Season 20 Bachelor Ben Higgins has parted with his “fiancé,” Lauren Bushnell. This utterly predictable turn of events is rendered slightly less unremarkable by the fact that, just days after the split was announced, he was seen at a Bryan Adams concert with Ashley Iaconetti, a contestant on both Chris Soules’ season and Bachelor in Paradise.

It’s hard to decide which element of this revelation is most disturbing: that purported nice-guy Ben cheated so blatantly, that it’s yet another example of cast members incestuously dating each other like they all live in Port Charles, or that people still pay to see Bryan Adams. Whatever, please enter this data on your spread sheets.

Oops, I just found out that the show doesn’t start until 9:00 PM Eastern. In the meantime, watch DWTS and order a few RompHims for the men in your life.

Here we go! The season premiere that Chris Harrison breathlessly describes as “exciting.” As we open, Rachel is having her photo taken in the requisite red gown. Then Chris strolls to the front of the mansion to wax philosophical about how much everyone loves her, apparently because she made it clear that this whole thing was a sham last season. This is followed by a report on Rachel’s state of mind as she dances down a street, plays basketball alone, and goes to court to win big damages for people who probably already have a lot of money.

She admits to falling in love with Nick last season, something none of us can understand any better than torts, but alas, it ended in heartbreak. She’s grateful and honored to have this new opportunity to wear a bikini and ogle some man-candy for several weeks again.

“This finger is ready,” she announces, waggling her left ring finger. More likely, the middle one  will be the most active.

Chris reappears to tell us how Rachel has everything she could want in life but a man, and probably also a solution for under-breast sweat. The bachelor introductions begin with Kenny, a single dad who wrestles. Then we meet Jack, a lawyer from Texas whose mom died of cancer, likely also in Texas. Next is Alex from Detroit, who works out a lot and codes for pleasure. Mohit does Bollywood dancing, and has some kind of job that requires striding with a briefcase. Lucas is from California, and apparently enjoys going to the park to frighten squirrels with bizarre shrieks. I guess we have our villain.

Following is Blake, a personal trainer. He works out a lot, too, which means he takes his work home with him. His last relationship was all about sex, he explains, and his penis is amazing. He wants to know about Rachel’s sexual background. I guess we have our cretin.

Diggy (Diggy?) has 575 pairs of sneakers and a cute dog. Josiah is a prosecutor who is hardworking and loves his family. When he was a child, his brother killed himself after being bullied at school. The music reflects Josiah’s unspeakable pain, which drove him to a life of crime until he was redeemed with the help of a kindly policeman. To hell with Rachel, this guy should get a Lifetime movie.

Rachel is excited to meet everyone, but she’s also apprehensive. Love is so unpredictable, even when the guys are all chosen in advance by a casting director. For support, she meets up with some other gals from Nick’s season. One advises that she get her feelings out, while another tells her not to judge if a guy arrives in a costume or brags about his genitals. Another suggests she allow herself to be open and vulnerable. Rachel is grateful for the perspective her gal pals have provided, despite the fact that she would have received more useful advice consulting a Magic 8-Ball.

The limos begin approaching the mansion as Rachel talks with Chris, her silver and white halter dress sparkling like the previous Bachelorette’s gown against a night sky. Chris wants to know if she really thinks this could work, as if it ever has for anybody else. She’s optimistic, and ready to meet the guys.

First up is Peter, a Wisconsin “business owner” in a blue plaid jacket, so obviously he’s not in the haberdashery business. Next is Josiah, who tells her she will have no reasonable doubt about choosing him. Har har. Next is tall, chiseled Bryan, who greets her in Spanish. He comes from Colombia, not from an hour of listening to Rosetta Stone. Inside, they’re already drinking.

Kenny does a shoulder roll thing with her. Next comes geeky Rob, a law student with nerd glasses. He’s followed by Iggy—with a Diggy? What are the odds, when every other guy is named Blake?—and then Bryce, who’s wearing his firefighter uniform. Next is a red-shoed guy, who slips on the pavement and runs back to the limo for a do-over. Diggy follows, then Kyle, who brings Rachel a basket of buns. I like a man who bears baked goods. Blake K., a Marine vet, tells her his grandparents have been married for 60 years, for 13 of which they refused to watch The Bachelorette.

Here comes the guy who told her at the After the Final Rose special that if he tried black, he’d never go back. She liked it, to his relief. He’s followed by Eric in a tan suit, which got President Obama in trouble. Another guy in a bow-tie is very polite and sweet. Is this over yet?

Next we hear a marching band playing, introducing Blake E. He wanted a more memorable entrance than when he was on After the Final Rose. Next time try a shark outfit.

Inside, the guys discuss how hot Rachel is. “You can definitely bring her home to mom,” states one, while wiping the drool from his chin. The next guy, Fred, shows her pictures of both of them from elementary school, which they attended together. Good move unless he ever cheated off her test paper. Jonathan asks Rachel to close her eyes, and then tickles her, just like the most romantic moment in The English Patient.

Lee appears playing a guitar and wearing a chinstrap beard. Neither is flattering. Alex vacuums his way to Rachel’s side. If he does dishes, too, he’s a keeper. Adam brings a doll version of himself, something which many effective horror movies have been based on. Next is a guy in a penguin suit. He points out that the Arctic birds mate for life. He forgets to add that they also waddle and survive on live fish.

Anthony pledges to understand her. Okay. Jamey and Jack get cut off quickly. Mohit arrives with a weak joke, followed by Jedidiah. With Jamey, Jack, Jedidiah, and Josiah, they can remake Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Michael is a former pro-basketball player, while Lucas tells Rachel that his testicles are mismatched. That’s from a 17th-century sonnet, I believe. He’s the one who shakes all over and yells gibberish, not unlike Regan in The Exorcist. To be fair, though, you’d have to be possessed by a demonic force to agree to do this show.

Finally, Rachel joins the crowd of coiffured sirloin steaks inside. She declares them all handsome, charming, and drunk. Her motto is to keep it real, and she requests they do the same. First to swoop in and grab her is Josiah, who delivers the elevator pitch of his life story. Dean, who has a David Cassidy Meets Dobie Gillis vibe, presents her with a sand castle box. They’re really running out of ideas. Anthony discusses marriage and family. To Rachel, love is sacrifice, commitment, and an unexplained energy that might be coming from her vibrator.

Adam’s doll speaks to her in French with subtitles, like a Jacques Cousteau documentary about really creepy fish. She has some issues with Fred because she recalls what a misbehaving child he was. I feel the same about the guy who was my lab partner in 7th-grade biology.

Dark, mysterious Bryan is a mature 37, which she likes, and a chiropractor, which is useful. He means business. After growling compliments to her in Spanish, he seizes her in his strong embrace and plants a passionate kiss on her mouth, like the warrior hero of a bodice-ripper with veneers. Hubba, hubba, Bryan for the win!

The First Impression Rose waits on the table. The guys hover nervously over it as several declare Rachel as their future wife. Demario meets with her next. Rachel likes his confidence and where his head space is, which we presume is not up his ass. Other guys keep butting in to try to divert Rachel’s attention. She’s a little uncomfortable with it. It’s like when the barista is backed up on orders at the Starbucks, and the customers behind you get antsy.

Meanwhile, Lucas demonstrates again that he needs a Xanax scrip. Blake E. believes Lucas is not here for the right reasons, but Rachel meets with him next. The other guys are also disturbed that Rachel is laughing while she’s with Lucas. Blake E. asserts that he will call the man out as a phony who only wants to be on TV, unlike him, who earnestly wants to be on TV. Finally, some drama! We’ve been waiting almost an hour and a half.

Rachel sees potential in some of the men, but she hasn’t picked  a front-runner yet. Blake E. challenges Lucas face to face with no results because Lucas is an artless clod. The rest of the guys discuss what the recipient of the First Impression rose will indicate to them about what Rachel is seeking in a man. So much for keeping it real. Meanwhile, Kenny tells Rachel about his daughter. His wrestling name is Pit Bull. I think that’s been taken.

Rachel is now ready to present the rose. She takes it very seriously, even though she got one from Nick and it meant virtually nothing. She calls Bryan over as the other guys bemoan their loss. She tells him she loves how he took control of the conversation and told her what he wants in life. So she’s one of those, eh? He accepts the rose and chews on her lips like a strawberry Sno-Cone.

The Rose Ceremony is up next. Tension embraces the room. Anyone would be devastated to be sent home first, when the paycheck is lowest. Rachel consults with Chris about her decision, properly using the standard platitudes for this moment. In the room, she assures the losers that she appreciated their time even if she’s forgotten their names already.

The first rose goes to Peter, followed by Will and Chuck (Is that right? Who’s named Chuck anymore?). Then comes Jamey, Iggy, Eric, and Demario. After them are Jonathan, Bryce, and Alex. The others grouse and fret for as long as the editors needed to fill out the hour. Next are Kenny, Dean, and Matt in his penguin suit, followed by Anthony, Brady, Josiah, and Lee. Then it’s Diggy, Fred, and Adam without his doll. Maybe it gets a silk rose. Blake E. comes up next, followed by the last person to survive. Everyone is terrified it will be Lucas, so of course it is. She chooses him over Grant, an ER doctor, and that adorable Marine vet, Other Blake? It’s a shanda.

And so another premiere has ended with no one the better for it but the sponsors. The Accepted Ones gather round to celebrate their victory. “Let the journey begin,” Rachel proclaims. Every journey begins with a single champagne flute.

Next week: drama, confrontation, crying, accusations, lies, bitterness, resentment, and Chris.

About E.M. Rosenberg 240 Articles
Favorite 40-volume series issued by Time-Life Music: Sounds of the Seventies. Favorite backsplash material: Subway tile. Favorite screen legend I pretend wasn’t gay: Cary Grant. Favorite issue you should not even get me started about: Venal, bloodsucking insurance industry. Favorite character from the comic strip “Nancy”: Sluggo, or maybe Rollo. Favorite Little Debbie snack: Nutty Bars. Favorite Monkee: Mike.