As if there weren’t enough to worry about, what with the crashing economy, millions filing for unemployment benefits, and the tendency of some people to spell “lose” as “loose,” we already have our first scandal on Listen to Your Heart. We’ve had barely a week to recover from the shock of Jamie ditching Ryan for the far less appealing Trevor, and rumors are that Trevor is a dirty, low-down cheater.
This sordid, but completely plausible, revelation comes via newly arrived contestant Natascha, who already knew of Trevor and his lying ways from her girlfriend. What are the odds of that happening in a reality TV world that comprises fewer residents than your average Motel 6. Natascha feels she must confront him for the sake of decency, as well as a plot line developed through market research.
In the precap, Trevor admits only to “emotional cheating,” which is like saying the Titanic merely brushed against the iceberg. As surely as people refuse to stand six feet apart in the checkout line at my supermarket, we will learn that Trevor’s transgressions are much less innocent than mere thoughts of a store mannequin’s outfit being changed by a pretty salesgirl.
We have also learned that this Natascha, with her blond locks and extraneous “c,” believes “everything sort of happens for a reason.” It’s most concise description of this show ever. With such a philosophical outlook, Natascha should be cast first in Six Bachelorettes in Search of a Producer.
It remains to be seen who will be left standing after tonight’s frolic through deadening vacuity. There seem to be more Ivanka Trump lookalikes than usual this season. Fortunately, only one or two Jareds are represented. Matt notes that there are now eight guys and eight girls, and some couples have already been established. “I want to kick it with all the girls,” one fellow says. You can hear his heart go pitter-pat.
Chris arrives to address the assembled. He explains that newcomers will be arriving to drive more traffic to ABC’s site. This could play havoc with all the deeply formed feelings shared among couples who just met a week ago.
Jamie now gets to go on a date with Trevor, which thrills her. To be fair, she’s equaly thrilled with a fresh mani-pedi. Their destination is Venice Beach, where they will perform alongside various mimes and that skateboarding dog.
Jamie uses the word “like” at least 14 times in the next four minutes. Joni Mitchell could write better lyrics after her stroke. In the course of things, she claims she can imagine nothing going wrong with her and Trevor. Enter Natascha, like a reality show deus ex machina.
First it’s time for Jamie and Trevor’s performance, which is not as compelling as the people nodding at each other amiably while making pasta in the preceding Rexulti ad. Jamie announces that she has never felt so safe and comfortable with a man, which, you will recall, she also said about Ryan last week. She’s probably said it about her body pillow.
Natascha now appears at the house. Clad in bottom-clutching jeans and a midriff-baring, off-the-shoulder top, she greets everyone warmly, telling them she sings in French. She probably kisses in it, too. Learning of Trevor’s presence among the men, she informs the group that she knows his ex, and has heard all “the things” about him. If this gig goes nowhere, she can replace Dr. Phil, but with hair.
Meanwhile, Trevor and Jamie hop into the hot tub and embrace one another. There, as the night sky dazzles them with a million stars, she whines that every guy she’s ever dated has cheated on her. Trevor is thinking this is a better reason to have stayed home than coronavirus.
Jamie is already smitten, even as Natascha vows to intervene to prevent Trevor from breaking the girl’s heart. When she approaches him to talk, he thinks she looks familiar, probably because he leafs through the JC Penney spring catalog every year. She proceeds to lay out her accusations, based on data she collected as a licensed nosy person. Trevor tries to dismiss the charges with that lame “it was only emotional cheating” explanation. We all learned from Jimmy Carter that it’s wrong to lust in your heart. Natascha steamrolls over Trevor like they’re in a Road Runner cartoon.
Now it’s date-card time back at the house. Recipient Bri chooses Chris. He says she makes him feel special. Her eyebrows make me feel Supermarionation. Their date is at a musical instrument store, which seems like a raw deal when other shows send their contestants yachting or on private plane tours.
According to Bekah, Bri has some “trust issues” from disappointing previous relationships, similar to my experience with several mortgage companies. This doesn’t bode well for a future with a guy she met through production assistants collecting replies from Craigslist.
The couple plays music together, which brings them closer. After all, it worked for the von Trapp family. Then Bri tells Chris about her broken engagement. She’d even chosen a dress, but when she texted her fiance about it, he said, “Don’t buy it.” At least he didn’t tell her it was just an emotional fitting.
Chris is scripted to be kindly and supportive, and Bri admits she is falling in love with him. They tenderly sing Elvis’s classic love song Can’t Help Falling in Love to each other, although Heartbreak Hotel will probably end up being more fitting.
Next Trevor comes to Jamie and tells her he spoke with Natascha. He explains that he hurt his former girlfriend by staying in the relationship too long, or at least long enough for the girlfriend to find out he was cheating. Jamie takes it fairly well, but that might be the complimentary Rexulti. She decides to forgive him because it was so long ago, even as far back as the last season of The Bachelorette. They remain together.
Another date card arrives at the house. Sheridan is the lucky guy who gets to choose, and Julia is the one. You have to wonder how they’ll maneuver around those two giant sets of teeth. Julia says she’s never dated a guy like Sheridan, or even a guy named after a different mid-priced hotel.
They visit a radio show where the host delves into their budding relationship. They are asked about kissing incidents. Sheridan admits his uncertainty about how Julia feels about him, and his hair, which is nicer than hers. They will sing together to see if they should expect to suffer the same fate as Peters and Lee.
Rudi is worried that she may have messed things up with Matt by being tough on him. Fortunately, he accepts her apology, and they can move forward into eventual oblivion. However, she’s yet another one with a trail of failed relationships in her wake. They must cast for this show at a shrink’s office.
Julia and Sheridan will sing together now. He hopes the experience will cement their relationship. I usually first learn if we can sustain a conversation longer than three minutes, but that’s just me.
Then two more new girls arrive, sultry Mariana and affable Ruby. Everyone is shaken up, mostly because there might not be enough liquor to go around. Mel, who is uncertain about herself, grows concerned that she isn’t being displayed at the front of the store with the weekly deals. She has her eye on Brandon, though, and holds out hope to be his pick.
Yet another date card is presented, this time to Savannah. Who will she pick? Brandon, of course. As I told my mom when she first watched Jaws, they can’t just close the beaches because then there’s no movie. Brandon and Savannah go to a jazz club, where they observe a long-time couple performing. Savannah admires their endearing relationship, as most musical couples don’t last much longer than Sonny and Cher.
Meanwhile, Julia would still like to see what Brandon has to offer. Why do they all see dating as the breakfast buffet at a Las Vegas casino?
Brandon and Savannah enjoy performing together. He describes it as sharing an electricity more powerful than my toaster oven. As they kiss outside the club, both express confidence in the relationship and in getting both creme brulee and a cupcake for dessert. By the way, Samsung assures us we’ll get through this together.
Next day, as Sheridan is feeling confident about his and Julia’s relationship, she comes to see him. “I just want to be so transparent,” she tells him, adding that she has the hots for Brandon. That’s a Lucite end-table kind of transparency, but at least Sheridan gets the message. He will soldier on, hoping Brandon gets laryngeal polyps.
Chris comes by the house to explain what the rose means for everyone tonight, which is the same thing it means for every damn show since the concept was introduced. He advises them to step up their games so they can stay in the competition. Wear low-cut blouses or stuff your pants, people. For her part, Mel proactively makes out with Brandon. He then expressing his doubts to Julia, based on the fact that “I have another woman that I care about.” Quick, Julia,raise your bidding panel and counter her offer.
Ryan flirts with Natascha, who finds nerds sexy. They make out with some odd clicking noises. Rudi likes Ryan as well, perhaps because his pompadour puts Liberace to shame. They also make the clicking sound when locking lips, so it must be coming from him. Maybe he’s trying to train the women like dogs. Then Rudi tells Matt she’s interested in him. She can’t decide between chihuahuas and sheepdogs either.
Finally, the Rose Ceremony is nigh. Three women will be going home tonight. As the moment approaches, everyone is assessing their chances like it’s Yonkers Raceway.
Chris steps up first to present a rose, which goes, of course, to Bri; they leave the area giggling in satisfaction. Clearly, a dramatic break-up is in their future. Trevor is up next. He chooses Jamie, making Natascha sneer like a Bond villain. Now it’s Matt to choose Rudi. Following is Brian, who selects, I think, Bekah. None of it makes any sense, so evs.
Next is Brandon’s turn. He settles on Savannah. Gabe steps up and chooses Ruby, the new girl. Finally, Sheridan and his chest hair will present the final rose. He gives it to Julia, who accepts it the way I accept Pepsi when they’re out of Coke.
Mel leaves in tears, her self-esteem lower than the Dow. Brandon tells Julia he’s glad she’s still there, so they can figure things out. Is he suggesting a three-way with Savannah?
Next week, the serious singing competition begins. The couples will be judged on both performance and romance. Kind of like we all did with John and Yoko.