Two men will be banished from the open bar at the end of tonight’s program, so they all better have considered which girl is truly their soulmate, or at least which could increase their Q score. As in last week’s episode, two “late arrivals” will be added to the muscle-bound mix, increasing the pressure for the guys to earn a girl’s rose and thereby enjoy another week of fajitas in the hot tub. Here’s a rogue’s gallery of all the upcoming additions for the season. You could read the article, or just go to the zoo and visit the lemmings exhibit.
One of tonight’s notable additions is the infamous Chris Bukowski, who has appeared on so many incarnations of the Bachelor franchise that he will be releasing a branded line of spray tanners for people in failed relationships. Watch for him to expertly demonstrate how to be a Total Jerk??.
The realistic drama continues! And in paradise, you pour out your deepest emotions while styled in sponsor-provided swimwear creations. But first, Chris the Host wants to tell us the shocking details of why Michelle K. left of her own volition last week. The crew filmed Chris trying to confront her the morning after the Rose Ceremony. But she stays locked in her room at the hotel–she wants none of it! Or else the sight of Chris Harrison before you’ve had your coffee is just too difficult to take.
It turns out that no, it was not that she was certain she would not find love among the ruins of former Bachelor participants gathered in Tulum. In fact, she had already found love, or something that starts with”l,” with a crew member named Ryan. But, like that of Tristan and Isolde, Romeo and Juliet, and Samantha and the first Darren, their relationship is doomed. It is against the rules. The producers purport to enforce “ethics.”
Chris then launches into documentary mode to reveal the truth of the events surrounding Michellegate, complete with a dramatic reenactment of Ryan leaping off her balcony to escape another crew member’s detection. He broke both legs for love! Or least for continued free room and board in Mexico. Best of all, his last name is Putz, or maybe they legally renamed him so the faux-documentary segment would have a delightfully ironic conclusion to offset the horror of potential permanent crippling over a one-night stand.
Next we must endure subtitles as two girls whisper about love like they’re in homeroom. Lacy is now glad that Marcus gave her his rose, because the way he looks at her! It’s almost as wonderful as a pair of Louboutins marked down 25 percent! Next, scuttling across the beach with a date card comes Bukowski and a lizard. Chris hasn’t met anyone yet, so he will have to choose based on appearances alone. Not that the others don’t all do that, but at least they can pretend otherwise. There is anger among the guys about him possibly wanting to steal their women. It seems to me these chicks go along without having to be stolen. AshLee wants to know what Chris’s motives are, or at least any that are different from her motives of money and reality show fame.
There are seven guys and six girls now. Robert feels like the odd man out, and not just because he has a face that belongs in an Archie comic. Chris chooses Clare for his date. She wants to “push past” her doubts arising from his reputation as a “douchebag womanizing big-mouth,” and make her own decision about him. Maybe she’ll decide he’s a scumbag narcissistic jackass instead.
Marcus and Lacy make out gleefully as Graham and Robert observe from a distance in a way generally associated with unshaven men in raincoats you move your children away from at playgrounds. Robert thinks Lacy is two-faced, after she and he were so emotionally intimate for a couple of hours last week. A date card arrives for Marcus while he is otherwise occupied. Of course, he asks Lacy. They share their happiness at having secured a third episode to document on their imdb accounts.
Meanwhile, Clare and Chris discuss their respective experiences as part of the franchise. Nobody ever talks about art or literature. Maybe nobody ever knows anything about art or literature. Clare is liking him more and more. She liked Juan Pablo, too, so it clearly takes at least 10 episodes for the light to dawn for this chick.
Dylan and Elise are connecting on so many levels! They do this by taking walks on the beach, lying around on futons, and tanning themselves. Now they discuss their zodiac signs, which means their relationship is practically at the kidney-donation stage. But privately, Dylan says he’s feeling smothered. That is a trait of Scorpios. Elise thinks he’s just scared of their deep connection, and she will do whatever it takes to grow their relationship. Dylan should Google Translate “restraining order.”
Everyone is mystified that Lacy dropped Robert for Marcus faster than you can say “washboard abs.” Was it just physical, they wonder. No, it must be that Marcus shares her love of French cinema and dedication to volunteer work with the homeless. The couple has dinner in some rocky outcropping and discuss their experiences on the show, since you never want to dilute the brand. Marcus saw something special about Lacy on the first night in Tulum, most notably much tighter her dress was in the bust area than the other women’s. They kiss in a room full of candles, giving the lighting director a night off.
Everyone else is getting jiggy on the beach when Sarah notices Chris and Elise flirting. These people have all the loyalty of an auto insurance provider. Dylan seems annoyed by this display. She runs into the ocean with Chris for some kissing, a mandatory practice for Bachelor cast members. What does Clare have to say about this? It certainly reduces the odds of Chris getting her rose this week.
Elise explains to Michelle M. how Dylan made her do it, what with his wanting to see other people and all. Chris tells Lacy and Ben, who is scarfing down tortilla chips, how he had a blast pawing Elise in the sea like a squid attacking its prey. Dylan appears just as Lacy’s tears over him are being wiped away. He asks her what happened last night. It was a slap in the face, he tells her. He said “go hang out with other people,” not “jam your tongue down other people’s throats.” There is a distinction, you know. It’s in the Bachelor rule book. His anger at her betrayal makes him realize they are not going to work out. Similarly, when he gets an erection, he realizes he finds the woman sexually repulsive. They forgot to include Dr. Phil at the tiki hut.
Clare now questions whether she can find love in paradise. She actually had to live the experience to discover it’s not a promising strategy. Now that Zack has arrived, though, Chris is concerned about getting a rose. His tactic of making out with everyone is not working as well as planned. Zack has a date card, so he asks Clare. Robert is getting increasingly worried about his limited options for a rose. He better get into that ocean with a girl already.
Now Clare is optimistic again. The bi-polar meds need some adjusting. She and Zack got to a beach, where she feels a romantic connection with him and her bikini bottom makes her behind look really wide. I think she’s confused “romantic connection” with “desperate need to avoid returning to continued obscurity.”
Now Dylan and Marcus are rehashing the Dylan-Elise dilemma. Their assessment of the cogent issues has not developed much beyond “not cool, dude.” Chris tries to talk up Elise in another effort to ensure himself a rose. It’s impressive to watch a pro at work. The date card arrives and is for Dylan, which concerns Chris. What if Dylan takes Elise? Her rose will go to him, and then Chris has no other options. It’s like a game of Clue, only you want everyone to be killed with all the weapons.
But Dylan invites Sarah on his date. She is understandably hesitant, and asks why he won’t take Elise. He is still bitter about the Chris thing–this guy holds a grudge like a Mafiaso–oh, and he wants to get to know Sarah. But Elise and Sarah are best friends. It’s a painful situation. Even though she is surprised he did not ask her, Elise is glad Dylan asked Sarah, because she can trust her friend. It also means he’s still thinking about her! The logic is flawless. So Sarah tells Dylan she will go with him. Poor Sarah. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride with one arm.
After commercial, we return to more babbling from Elise to some other girl about why Dylan can’t understand what a great relationship they have. Meanwhile, he and Sarah go on their date. He explains that he saw something in her that he was attracted to, perhaps that she might be especially adept at handjobs. She wants to get to know him better because everyone loves him. Especially Elise. His leg twitches as they toast to a possible rose in his future.
Back at the beach, Ben organizes a party. He is pleased that there has not been a whole bunch of tension and stress. He must be drinking a lot. Inside the house, Marcus claims to have “accidentally” discovered something incriminating inside Ben’s backpack. He and Marquel discuss the love letter, which Marquel claims “fell out” of the backpack. It apparently also forced them at gunpoint to read it. So Ben has girlfriend! Did she jump off a balcony, too?
The two must now confront Ben, since that kind of thing worked out so well with Marquel and Andrew. Ben admits it’s true. He met her three weeks ago and things moved fast, kind of like they’re supposed to work here but presumably believably in Ben’s case. A snoopy Clare finds out and reports back to the others, like on Gilligan’s Island. “A letter?” shrieks Michelle, as if Clare had described parts of a corpse falling out of Ben’s backpack.
The others are enraged. They left behind their lives, their children, their opportunities to maybe be on Amazing Race with its cash prize instead to find love here at this all expenses-paid luxury resort area! He demeans that effort! It is offensive!
“You shouldn’t have come!” shouts Clare. “You have to know that your actions affect everyone here,” sobs Michelle. It’s like a Chekhov play, only stupid. Bereft and chastened, Ben puts on a backwards baseball cap and leaves the show, hopefully to join the person whose private correspondence to him was read on national television. Should last a couple of weeks at least.
Finally, we are delivered unto the cocktail party pre-Rose Ceremony. Since Ben was hounded out, only one guy is going home. Chris the Host marvels that the two people who weren’t here for the right reasons were revealed as shams and charlatans, and promptly dispensed with, never to appear on Kimmel again.
Marquel tells Michelle that he likes her, but thinks she drinks too much. She is appalled. Stick to the cookies, Marquel. But Robert can benefit from this bonehead move. She puts the drinking question to him and he wisely looks puzzled. Or maybe he just looks puzzled all the time.
Dylan and Sarah discuss the Elisephant in the room. He says, “You didn’t come here to meet your best friend.” Except that she may want to keep her while they’re here together. Dylan then tells Elise to go for Chris. What a pal. Elise says, “So you’re saying. . . what?” Maybe try a megaphone, Dylan.
Chris the Host thinks that now everyone here is sincerely looking for love. Except Marquel, who wants a teetotaler. Lacy is up first. Her rose goes to Marcus. Graham gets AshLee’s and Clare gives hers to Zack. Michelle decides to go with Marquel. She is either very forgiving or about to join AA. Now it’s Elise’s turn. What will she do? She offers the rose to Dylan, who refuses it. She pushes him away when he tries to hug her. Then she gives a mindless speech about deserving a man who gives his one-hundred percent. Then she gives her rose to Chris. The final rose is from Sarah. She gives it to Robert, woo hoo. Dylan hedged his bets and lost. He bitches about not getting a fair opportunity to meet other people. There’s always match.com, Dylan.
Looks like Chris does turn out to be a scumbag douchbag big-mouth jackass next week! It’s nice when something is dependable in this crazy world of ours.