Let’s join Jeff and Eva in the challenging desert landscape of Madagascar, where they’ll battle boa constrictors, black widow spiders, and snippy production assistants to survive.
Eva, a tattoo artist–an essential survival skill to have in the desert–says she prepared for her stint in the brutal conditions by eliminating junk food “to avoid caffeine withdrawals and sugar cravings,” built up calluses by operating a hand drill she uses to build fires, and sunbathed so she wouldn’t burn. Somehow I think jonesing for a Hershey bar is going to be the least of her worries. Also, very few dermatologists recommend sun exposure as a means to avoid its negative effect on your skin.
“You are reminded time and time again that you are mortal,” Eva says of her experience in the Madagascar wilderness. Which is funny, as I’m reminded of that everytime I watch the show. On the other hand, I have learned to be respectful of electric eels I intend to stab in the brain.
This episode may represent the first time we see the naked people praying for their lives, as if they were really alone, starving, and without any chance to be rescued from the deadly conditions. That’s reality TV writ large!
Eighty different species of snake are hanging out waiting to kill this pair, along with the spiders, scorpions, and other creepy crawlers. Jeff, a Mormon, feels excited when he kills an animal for his personal use, as God and Louis Vuitton have ordained. Meanwhile, Eva never kills anything frivolously and apparently expects to subsist by licking shrubbery. Herein lies the conflict of tonight’s episode.
They have their awkward naked meeting. Jeff says he is from Idaho, so the desert sun is a concern for him, while she’s from Arizona, so she only has to fear Jan Brewer’s next piece of legislation. They are armed with the standard knife and fire-starter.
“Arid gullies and sparse vegetation” define the mesa they must travel now to reach their camping site. Jeff has a large dimple on his behind, pretty scary terrain right there. He quickly points out that they must find water. He’s a member of Mensa for survivalists. Eva is reluctant to interfere with nature, so no one knows what the hell she’s doing there. She mostly eats vegetables, she says, which isn’t interfering with nature unless you count the part where you violently rip the food from the earth and throw it into boiling water.
It’s 108 degrees outside at mid-afternoon. Jeff is ready to rape and pillage the landscape to survive. Eva is distressed at that attitude. I don’t know about raping and pillaging, but I would definitely advocate for a pogram on scorpions.
They come upon a cave and are as happy as any couple on House Hunters who find a kitchen with both stainless steel appliances and granite countertops. The water source is problematic, though, because of all the bacteria. The narrator intones something about diarrhea, then goes home and throws back a bourbon, thinking about the career he hoped for doing PBS documentaries. They also find black widow spider eggs covering the place like sequins on a drag queen. This cave reminds me of a motel I stayed in in Fresno once.
Night approaches, and time is running out to build shelter. They must risk the cave. A fire will help, as the smoke will scare off the spiders. As in every episode, getting the fire going proves difficult. It’s just like on Love It or List It, where every homeowner’s place always has some dire structural deficiency that eats up a huge chunk of the designer’s budget. How about just setting flame to all the spiders’ nests and killing two birds with one stone? Except Eva doesn’t like killing birds.
All of a sudden, the two are covered with dirt and looking like a bad production of The Jazz Singer. Jeff talks somberly about feeling Eva’s body heat during the freezing night outdoors, and wanting to move close to her nakedness for warmth. But he and his wife had discussed how it would be wrong to stay alive with another woman. He prays for strength to resist his carnal urges to prevent hypothermia, when he really should be praying for the damn fire-starter to work for once. God rolls his eyes, thinking, “Then why’d you go on this show, you doofus?” and switches to Walking Dead.
They finally manage to purify some water so it’s safe to drink, and have a grand old time sipping it from a big rock. Back in the cave, Eva remarks that as long as the black widow spiders leave them alone, there’s no need to kill them. Spiders are reasonable that way. But in the night, when a scorpion appears, Eva flips out and wants something to smash it with. She renounced her PETA membership pretty quick there. They proceed to immolate the place to turn those spiders into a caveful of Hindu political protestors.
Now to hunt for food, since Fresh Direct doesn’t deliver in this zip code. Armed with spears, they wander the barren landscape and finally find a single lizard. Jeff lunges and captures its tail. Well, it’s an amuse bouche. Next Eva spies a snake slithering under a rock, much like an attorney I once retained. They stalk it, and Jeff flips the rock. The snake leaps forward. Aiiieee! Wouldn’t it be ironic if now that they eliminated the deadly black widow spiders, Jeff’s wife becomes a widow?
Eva triumphantly grabs the snake by the scruff of its neck, and quickly slashes its throat. She’s like the Aileen Wuornos for reptile life. Jeff, who resents feminists for the heat their bodies give off, suggests patronizingly that she may gut the snake her own self, which really just means he’s asking her to make a sandwich. But they proceed to cook the serpent until it’s deprived of any nutritional value, much like the process for producing Twinkies. “Also, yours was not a composed dish, so we had to chop you,” explains Scott Conant. The snake gets the last laugh.
The next day, they are woozy and wobbly, as are most of the viewing audience. Eva wonders if Jeff is starting to lose it, which is what I thought back when he was praying not to get warm by sitting near her. They move zombie-like over the unforgiving plain. It’s similar to how I look traveling from the Target to the JC Penney at at my local mall. Eva cries out for something to drink, perhaps a crisp Chardonnay. The narrator explains that she suffers from a dangerous combination of malnourishment and dehydration, exacerbated by Jeff’s assholishness. You can only suffer a safe combination of malnourishment and dehydration when you’re a Vogue cover model.
The two decide to go back to the Human Cave to rehydrate before Jeff resumes hunting. Look for another snake and maybe it’ll lead you to an apple tree, pal. He finds another lizard–the same one whose tail they ate! It cleverly disappears down a hole. Jeff threatens it impotently (insert snake joke here). You can hear it giggling from underground. He finally extracts the creature, then bites its head off like Ozzy Osbourne as he screams to the sky. Be sure to avoid Jeff if you see him in the butcher section at the Fairway. The lizard provides them with the equivalent bulk of a cocktail weiner, without the mustard or the flavor.
Once again, Jeff prays that he won’t be so stupid as to sign up for this gig a second time. The same God who created the lethal spiders, snakes, and weather conditions just shrugs. They find another snake, who hopefully comes with a recipe for snake sushi attached. Jeff screams as he lops off its head. I hope a psychiatrist is evaluating this.
If they overcook their protein again, they won’t make it to the dessert round. This time they’re going to smoke their boa meat. As Jeff builds a teepee of dampened branches for this purpose, he proclaims the hideous creature a gift from God. Meanwhile, when it was alive, it was the handservant of the devil. Then their smoker contraption catches fire, threatening to burn down the cave and incinerate their meal. Maybe Jeff should look into Buddhism.
They desperately examine what remains of the snake–entrails, essentially–to see if they can eat any of it. I read that Reptile Stomach Au Gratin served with Snake Eyes Gelee was on the menu of the last State Dinner at the White House. They joyously discover eggs among the slimy glop, and cook those up for a delicious boa brunch.
Now they’re ready to head to the extraction point. Snakes everywhere heave a sigh of relief. Weakened and dizzy, they must hike three miles, then climb a razor-ship sandstone cliff in the blazing heat to reach the summit. Why is this rewarding for a person? Why not expend your energies toward, say, getting your PhD or starting a petition against crappy reality TV shows?
The camera swoops up underneath Jeff’s filthy bare behind as he heaves himself up the rocks. Thanks, Camera Guy, we owe you one. They reach the top, whooping with triumph, then immediately build a fire that sends all the local snakes fleeing for safety. The rescue truck appears in the distance and heads toward them. As they ride away, they commend each other for their achievement. The spiders aren’t feeling so congratulatory.
Over the 21 days, Jeff lost 31 pounds, while Eva lost 23. They have both returned home, where they will continue to hone their survival skills. For example, Eva will harness her newly awakened bloodlust, and Jeff will learn how to share body heat without breaking any commandments.
Experts determined that both Eva and Jeff allowed their personal beliefs to compromise their performances, while the lizard needed to work on his burrowing skills. Nevertheless, Jeff increased his PSR from 7.0 to 7.3, and Eva’s rose from 7.2 to 7.4. The cave has been sold to a developer and luxury condos will be built on the site.
