In tonight’s Glee, Finn challenges the kids of New Directions to compete in a Diva off. Meanwhile, in New York City, Kurt–fed up with Rachel’s narcissistic ways–challenges his friend to a vocal dual at NYADA. Santana comes back to Ohio when she learns from Tina that her ex, Brittany, is dating Sam. Speaking of Tina, she confesses to Blaine that she’s falling in love with him, despite the fact that he’s gay and can never return her affection.
In Diva, Kurt and Tina become the stars they were always meant to be. Tina declares her love for Blaine. Rachel is brought down a peg. After realizing that things between her and Brittany are really over, Santana ends up on Kurt and Rachel’s Bushwick doorstep. And Finn kisses Emma. Not a typo people!
Our story begins…
Kurt is pissed. Rachel hasn’t stopped showboating “like a third rate Maria Callas” ever since she won the winter showcase. She’s behaving in a thoughtless and rude manner, but the worst of it is that she’s left her best friend behind to play social butterfly to a pair of annoying sycophantic queens. Kurt decides that Rachel needs a reality check.
Meanwhile, back in Ohio, Emma frets over her wedding plans in the teachers’ lounge. Finn (who has finally learned to like coffee!) calms her down. It’s been tough for Emma without Will, but he’ll finally return to Lima at the end of the week, somewhat triumphant. His arts funding committee didn’t eliminate spending cuts, but kept them at a manageable 35%. Progress.
Finn is worried that the current crop of New Directioners don’t have the killer instinct of a Rachel or a Mercedes. Emma suggests Finn hold a singing competition—something Will used to do regularly–to get the kids’ juices flowing. Gee. Why didn’t Finn think of that! Emma agrees to help her ex-student judge the competition. Finn is now Emma’s peer but he can’t bring himself to call her by her first name. It’s still Miss Pillsbury.
Back in the choir room, with the word DIVA scrawled across the white board, it’s time for the kids to find their inner powerhouse. An essential component of Divatude? Trash talk! Best line: Tina to Unique “I have more Diva in my little finger than you have in your whole angry inch…” Sam busts out laughing. Guys can be Divas too, Blaine helpfully offers, but the straight boys aren’t convinced. Blaine, Unique and the girls dress up in glitter and feathers, to strut their stuff along a cat walk as they sing Beyonce’s “Diva.” Back to reality, Emma is finishing a story about how she drives waiters crazy in restaurants with her Diva demands. She may not really get it.
Diva by Beyonce – Unique, Blaine, Brittany, Tina, Marley, Kitty
Back in New York, Kurt reaches the breaking point after Queen Rachel expects him to make her tea before she dashes off to class. He finally confronts her, accusing her of turning into a nightmare ever since she won winter showcase. Rachel thinks Kurt is jealous. Kurt calls her an annoying, self-righteous Lima Rachel ON STEROIDS. They only became friends because she became tolerable. Rachel takes credit for Kurt’s NYADA admittance—Carmen gave him a second chance because he was Rachel’s friend. Rachel may have won the showcase, but his performance was the one everybody buzzed about. Trash talk, indeed.
It’s just like the old days! Hello season ! And to take the homage even further–in order to deflate her ego, Kurt challenges Rachel to a midnight madness Diva off. Rachel reminds Kurt that she crushed him the last time they faced each other in a sing off—back in sophomore year when they sang “Defying Gravity” in front of the Glee club.
Oh my gosh. Rachel had no idea that Kurt threw the competition on purpose! If you’ll remember, Kurt tanked the high F to save Burt the embarrassment of having his son sing a song written for a woman. “I can sing that high F in my sleep,” sneers Kurt. Oh please, somebody gif Kurt’s faces as Rachel wails about how the “Defying Gravity” win is the foundation she built her confidence on for the past three years. Rachel is now horrified, and a little afraid. This time, Kurt has no intention of blowing the note. THIS IS LIKE THE BEST FIGHT EVERRRR.
Back in Lima, Blaine is barely standing at his locker. He has a terrible cold. Tina, still smitten, stops by with a special “cold buster” kit. Blaine wants to be at his best this week, so he can prove that men can be Divas too. He plans to give the group a full dose of Freddie Mercury and Queen. Cut to Blaine, at the piano, decked out in leather, singing the ebullient “Don’t Stop Me Now.” It’s fantastic–and a perfect Diva moment as he struts around the choir room, trading riffs with the guitarist. All rock stars are Divas, don’t you know.
Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen – Blaine
As if Blaine weren’t Divalicious enough? Guess which graduate is stopping by McKinley to teach a lesson in Divatude. It’s Santana, and she’s got a crew of University of Louisville cheerleaders with her. She sings a version of Tina Turner’s “Nutbush City Limits” that is so ferocious; she’s completely pissing Tina off. When can a girl finally get the spotlight to herself? Also not happy? Santana’s ex, Brittany and her new boyfriend, Sam who wlll now have to deal with a confrontation.
Nutbush City Limits by Ike and Tina Turner – Santana
And it happens almost immediately. “That was the greatest moment in showbiz history,” Brittany declares, without irony, “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming to town?
“Why didn’t you tell me that you were dating Sam,” Santana shoots back. Sam looks like he’s going to puke. Tina relayed the news via phone call. “One word. BRAM” she said. Santana introduces her new lipstick lesbian, After Ellen reading, girlfriend, Elaine. And they kiss, while the guys applaud. Oy. Brittany may be a tad bit jealous.
Back in New York, Brody explains that midnight madness is NYADA’s fight club, but with singing instead of punching. Twice a year, they break into a classroom for a “no holds barred sing-off to the death.” Winner gets to brag forever and ever. Loser will get shamed and humiliated. “I guess I’m going to have to beat Kurt,” says Rachel to Brody, just as her annoying sycophants drop by. “Don’t worry, you will,” sneers queen #1. “We all heard about the latte boy challenging you and it’s a joke.” Queen #2 snarks, “Those outfits of his? Everyone knows the only reason Hummel got in is because he’s Carmen’s pet turtle face.”
And there’s Kurt within earshot. “Signing up for Adam’s Apples?” sniffs Queen #1, “He might as well hang a sign around his neck that says I’m pathetic, please club me to death.” Oh Yay. Rachel isn’t so mad at Kurt that she doesn’t stick up for him. “Kurt earned his place at NYADA, same as you two.”
Kurt strolls over, “It’s OK Rachel, I’ve dealt with a lot worse than bitchy gossips. However I got here, the point is I’m here, AND ME, MY OUTFITS AND MY TURTLE FACE AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE.”
Back at McKinley, Emma lays out a couple of pamphlets. “So she moved in with someone else…ouch,” reads one. And, “You won’t be alone forever…Probably!” Oh noes. That means only one thing. Finn found out that Brody moved in with Rachel and Kurt. Worse, he learned the bad news when Rachel changed her Facebook relationship status to “shacked up.” Finn hasn’t been interested in other women since the end of Finchel. Emma thinks he needs to get out there and start dating. She suggests the 26 year old math sub. But, Finn doesn’t think he has anything to offer an older woman. Emma commiserates. She’s been feeling really lonely since Will left for Washington DC. Emma, says Finn, is the only one lately who can cheer him up.
Before he leaves, Finn helps Emma pick out a centerpiece for the wedding. It’s nay to the blue flowers—the color of sad. But the white flowers are pure. Like Emma. And by the way, Mr. Shue sure is lucky to have a girl like Miss Pillsbury.
Showdown in the McKinley auditorium between Santana and Sam . She believes Brittany is only with Sam as revenge for breaking up with her—as Trouty Mouth is the one person that could send Santana’s brain “straight to Lima Heights.” Sam insists that Brittany doesn’t understand revenge. Brittany is love! The bottom line is that Santana does NOT WANT BRITTANY TO DATE SAM. But Sam won’t let her go without a fight. They have a sing off, but their duet of Barbara Streisand’s “Make No Mistake, She’s Mine” is more of an ode to how much they both love her. As Santana walks away, Sam says, “I know you still love her, but she’s with me now. “ And because of the long distance thing, it’s the best thing for her. “Never,” says Santana. Meanwhile, Brittany watches from the wings. Who will she choose?
Make No Mistake, She’s Mine by by Barbara Streisand – Santana and Sam
Tina spots Blaine sniffling by his locker. “He’s like a precious Tiger Beat shrink dink with his dark pound puppy eyes…,” she says in dreamy voice over. Tina is determined to go after what she wants! Even if her object of affection doesn’t play for her team…and has a locker still decorated with his ex-boyfriend’s photos.
Tina hands Blaine a jar of vapor rub. “Thanks lady, you’re so sweet,” says Blaine. Tina balks. She doesn’t want to be sweet. She wants to be the woman who kicks doors down and gets what she wants. Blaine offers to help her become a bad-ass Asian diva. He invites her to his house after school to help her find the right Diva song.
Cut to Blaine’s bedroom. Oh look, he hasn’t taken down his photos of Kurt there either! Just wait until he finds out his ex is dating someone else… As Tina gazes at–what is literally a photo shrine to Kurt—she asks Blaine if he’s ever been with a girl. Other than kissing Rachel that one time? Nope. Perfect gold star gay! He loves girls! They are kind and beautiful, but loving them “that way” is not who he is. “We’re young. We still have time to find ourselves,” she says. Tina is NOT getting it.
Blaine has made a playlist of the classic Diva songs for Tina to consider. Blaine went old school Diva—Cher, Aretha, Madonna. He is certain Tina can pull it off, even if she isn’t. Blaine lies down on his bed, woozy from cold medicine. Tina chooses that moment to confess–in the name of being a brutally honest Diva– that she’s falling in love with him. Even a totally sexless relationship would be worth it. What? How is that finding her inner Diva? Girl friend, you deserve a man who loves you…in that way. Where is Mike Chang when you need him? Sadly, by the time Tina got to her confession, Blaine had conked out and heard none of it. Sighing, Tina straddles him, unbuttons his shirt… and rubs vapor rub on his chest. Physically? That’s about as good as it’s going to get. She tears up, before she falls asleep on his shoulder. Sads.
Oh. It’s time for midnight madness. The Nyada gang break into a classroom. There’s Adam to cheer on Kurt! HOORAY. Brody is officiating. One song, “Bring Him Home” from Les Miz. Two singers. If you go flat? YOU LOSE. American Idol contestants would be in SO MUCH TROUBLE here. After the song, the audience will stand with whomever they think won. And only silent applause. Like deaf people. “This is not a performance,” intones Brody solemnly, “This is a blood sport.”
Because Kurt called out Rachel, he goes first. But it’s done in exactly the style “Defying Gravity” was 3 years ago when the competitors were pups. It is one performance cut seamlessly between the two. I get a little goosebumpy as Kurt shoots Rachel a look as he sings. A season 1 moment! Like I said, the gifs are going to be good. Both performances are gorgeous, although I have to say, for me, Kurt’s rendition is more vulnerable, emotional. Rachel gets the big note at the end. Kurt does not, in any way, blow it. It ends. Too soon. AGAIN AGAIN, I say to myself. I love Hummelberry so, so much.
It’s the moment of truth. Rachel and Kurt stand facing each other, waiting for the audience members to make their choice. Oh dear. Rachel’s sycophantic “friends” choose Kurt! And the winner, by the closest margin in midnight madness history is….Kurt Hummel! He’s delighted. Rachel…not so much.
Bring Him Home from Les Misérables – Rachel and Kurt
Back in Lima, with Santana sitting in her office, Sue indulges in a little meta. “What is it with you Glee club ex-pats? Don’t any of you have jobs? You have to have some source of income so you can pay the staff of scientists who service your teleporters that you all clearly own since you are constantly showing up here.” So true.
Sue is a little miffed, because she was the one who got Santana the scholarship and she knows that Santana dropped out of college a month ago. Oops. Turns out, Santana hated it there. She claims it was because everyone thought she was a bitch, but it’s more like she was homesick. Sue is willing to forgive, and not tell Santana’s mom, because she needs “an heir apparent.” She offers Santana a job as her assistant. The idea of being closer to Brittany makes the offer really tempting. Sue wants to know by the end of the week. She has Paula Abdul coming in to interview as a backup. “Whenever I cancel too late with her, she tends to hit the pills.” Ha.
Tina, meanwhile, rips down the photo of Blaine she has hanging in her locker. She’s irrationally angry. She took care of Blaine, and he does not even appreciate it! In other words, SHE’S NOT GETTING WHAT SHE WANTS FROM HIM. Blaine is completely confused. Why is she so crazy. BECAUSE SHE’S A DIVA DAMN IT. And she deserves some respect. Hey girl, just because you make yourself 100% available to Blaine, doesn’t mean he owes you anything. He’s not leading you on, girlie. But I can’t get too mad at Tina. This is typical teenage stuff. She launches into Madonna’s “Hung Up” and she brings it in a way that Tina Cohen Chang has never brought it before. Dancing and singing in the courtyard, the students of McKinley are introduced to a newly fierce Tina! My only question is: It’s January in Ohio. Isn’t she freezing outside in that pink leotard? After, as Finn and Emma rave over her performance, Tina wipes her brow with a towel. Don’t even worry about it she says, with a toss. DIVA.
Hung Up by Madonna – Tina
Back in New York City, Kurt explains to Adam that he learned the entire Les Miz score when he was 7. It was just dumb luck that was the song that was chosen for the sing off. “I know you feel conflicted about winning,” says Adam, “but you won because you are an incredible singer.” Although I look forward to the day that Klaine reunite, in the meantime, I’m completely on board with the dalliance that is Kadam.
Argh. The two sycophantic queens approach. After comparing Kurt to Judy Garland, they invite him to the Funny Girl open call. But our boy is having none of it. “I don’t think so,” he says icily, “I think you both are shallow and obnoxious. And I think the only reason you run around together kissing everyone’s ass is because you know you’ll never make it on your own. “
“And another thing. If you say one more nasty thing about the Adam’s Apples, I will challenge you to the next midnight madness. And we all know how that ends. “Kurt finishes his speech with a smile and an adorable blink. Adam is duly impressed.
Kurt spots Rachel down the hall. He approaches her with an invite to an open call for Funny Girl auditions. “You should try out Kurt,” says Rachel, “You’d be an amazing Fanny Brice.” Well, no he wouldn’t. But still. She walks away, still sore from her comeuppance. The thing is, it was important for Kurt to win the competition. Kurt’s triumph brought Rachel back down to earth. But, more importantly, Kurt is no longer living in Rachel’s shadow. The win proves he’s her equal and establishes his place at NYADA as a worthy competitor. Kurt finally wins at life. Hooray.
It’s time to announce the winner of the first annual McKinley High School Diva Award! Finn supplies the drum roll. It’s….Tina Cohen Chang! She wins a dinner for two at the Red Rooster Dinner Express Suits. What! No Breadstix? “SHE NEVER WINS ANYTHING,” exclaims Brittany. It’s true! And just like Kurt in New York City, Tina finally gets her turn in the spotlight. I like it!
Out in the hall, as Tina walks, admiring her trophy, Blaine interrupts her bearing a gift. It’s a single rose. . (WHAT IS HE DOING!) Blaine has been waiting for people to finally see the epic Diva that is Miss Tina Cohen Chang. “I’m sorry if I’ve been ungrateful this week,” apologizes Blaine. He admits that he wouldn’t have survived the week without her. She literally cured his cold! “I haven’t felt this close to anyone in a long time,” Blaine confesses. What about Blam? No more crush on Sam? It’s not as if that situation was ever really resolved. Tina is ecstatic. She has waited so long to hear him say that. He asks her to be his date at Will and Emma’s wedding. (BAD IDEA!) It’s going to be really interesting when Kurt turns up at the event, alone.
Back in New York City, Rachel is still in mourning, wrapped up in a shawl. “Shiva is officially over!” declares Kurt. “You have an audition for Funny Girl 3 weeks from today.” He went down to the open call and got them the last slots. She doesn’t want to try out. Kurt insists that losing midnight madness means nothing, except that they are even. Funny Girl is Rachel’s favorite musical. She has to try out! “But what if, by some crazy chance I get it,” she says, “Then what…I become even more of a Diva nightmare than I already am now?”
Kurt reminds her that she is a Diva. And she has been a nightmare. But her divatude is all about her talent and ambition. No one else in the world can do what she can do! She’s an original, one of a kind he reminds her. Aw this is just like the pep talk Kurt gave Rachel when he talked her out of getting a nose job. “Hold the nightmare, bring the Diva,” advises Kurt. “You don’t need any of that. Your work speaks for itself.”
“I love you,” says Rachel. “I’m sorry” as she goes in for the hug. Hummelberry is back!
Emma is freaking out in her office. She’s surrounded by a ton of flowers. Will said the white centerpiece they chose was “fine” which, in Emma’s cracked out world, means he didn’t like them. Whoa logic. Emma needs things to better than fine. They need to be PERFECT. The girl’s OCD is totally kicking in now. With her first husband, Carl, Emma tells Finn, she let go and things fell apart. Completely unhinged, Emma begins crying and repeating that she can’t get married if it’s not right, if it’s not perfect. Finn tries to calm her down. He takes her by the shoulders. “We make a great team,” he says, “We can figure it out together. “ He calls her Emma for the first time. And then…
And then he KISSES HER. Yep. Finn kisses Emma. His metamorphosis into Will Schuester is complete. Holy crap.
Stunned, Finn leaves a shocked Emma standing wordlessly, trembling, in her office.
Brittany and Santana meet backstage at the auditorium. “I’m not breaking up with Sam,” says Brittany, dashing Santana’s hopes. “I really like him. He makes me feel really smart and think about things like where air comes from and how come in every movie about Jesus he dies in the end. ” Those two kids are perfect for each other.
Also, Santana’s new girlfriend is a fake, Brittany learns—bribed with scratch tickets and an Ani DiFranco T shirt to play along. She also knows that Santana dropped out of school, and is still hung up on her. Brittany is not impressed with Sue’s job offer. Santana needs to be somewhere that is as big and hot as she is. “It’s OK to follow your dreams,” she says. Santana can’t imagine striking out in a world where nobody gives a damn about her. But if Rachel and Kurt could find new lives for themselves, why can’t Santana? Why shouldn’t she get the chance to be around like minded people who will appreciate her? Be a part of a community—have a real girlfriend–but not a best friend, because that part is already taken. They hug and kiss goodbye. “You really are a genius Brittany,” says Santana.
As she leaves the auditorium, Santana sings “Girl on Fire.” She passes Brittany, Sue and Sam in the hall. She opens the doors of the school and walks out. In the next shot, she’s rising out of a New York subway station with a suitcase. She finishes the song, standing on Rachel and Kurt’s threshold. Boy are they surprised to see her. Even more so when Santana declares that she’s moving in. It’s about to get mighty crowded at the loft in Bushwick.
Girl On Fire by Alicia Keys – Santana
Glee Diva Photo Gallery
Who won the NYADA Diva off? Kurt or Rachel?
Who won the McKinley Diva off? Santana, Tina or Blaine?
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