It’s Fantasy Suite night, always a highly anticipated treat for viewers, fans, and uncreative perverts. But first we must learn if Luke is the one who misses out on the opportunity to have people conjecture about what he’s like between the sheets. Afterwards, everyone goes to Thailand, probably because Chris loves authentic pad thai. There JoJo will decide which two metrosexual lotharios will meet her family. Typical Monday for me, too.
The official episode synopsis muses whether JoJo will “gain some clarity and come closer to finding her true love, or will more uncertainty and doubt surface. . . And will her feelings of love for more than one man get in the way of her happy ending?” Coincidentally, that’s also what’s happening to the nation during tonight’s DNC Convention.
Here’s an interesting conspiracy theory: Why was JoJo so terribly upset after Luke spoke to her before last week’s Rose Ceremony? Normally bachelorettes are always as calm and dispassionate as an EMT dealing with a case of psoriasis. “Viewers could feel the pain emanating in her gut, and we couldn’t help but wonder if there’s part of the story that was not included in the episode’s final cut,” Zap2it wonders breathlessly and ungrammatically. They speculate that during Luke’s hometown date, the couple decided to make his home in Texas their unfilmed Fantasy Suite. Presumably, JoJo, knowing he wasn’t just bragging about being able to go four rounds in an evening, regrets her choice to ditch him. They’re a rural Rachel and Ross.
We open with recaps of the last emotional minutes of the previous show, including views of JoJo’s dress locking onto her behind like a Chinese finger prison. “What’ll I do?” she whimpers from the tarmac. The shoo-in guys are left perplexed, and their confidence shaken. Robby wonders what Luke is asking her. No worries, Robby, he just wanted her recipe for tuna casserole.
JoJo finally returns, fresh as a daisy. The first rose goes to Jordan. The second goes to Robby. The seminal moment has arrived. Chase wins. Luke is crestfallen. What a huge letdown for those of us who dared dream the show might veer from the predictable and inane.
Weepy goodbyes commence. JoJo assures Luke their relationship was growing, but she struggled with where he stood most recently. He was wondering the same about her, since he only had one girlfriend. But he does seems genuinely taken aback. That’s method acting for you.
“I thought the magic was real. . .and you wanted that,” he says to her in dismay. Too bad his annual income wasn’t that enchanting. He stares at her with haunted eyes as they bid goodbye. JoJo sobs at the back of the departing limo. At least they’re already at the airport.
Sad music plays over the scene as Luke explains that he was in love with JoJo, but never got the chance to love her. That’s nearly poetic. Certainly a medium-priced Hallmark card.
“I miss him already,” JoJo wails from the tarmac. Everything on this show is on an abbreviated schedule.
On to Thailand. It’s romantic and magical, which at this point is how JoJo would describe a landfill. We see the standard “walking pensively along the beach at sunset” scene, followed by the “hearty intake of breath in the morning while gazing at the beautiful view” scene. Then JoJo meets Robby in town at “this crazy market.” I doubt the Thai people find it as crazy as this show.
During a thunderstorm, the pair get pedicures while discussing the apparently unresolved issue of The Ex. Robby has been honest with JoJo from Day One, he asserts. She’s glad he told her, largely because they haven’t got anything else to talk about. The goal, says Robby privately, is to propose to the woman of his dreams. By the way, that’s not the ex.
That night, JoJo feels she’s falling in love with Robby–but she still has concerns. She’s so damn fussy. She feels that Robby telling her he loved her so early in the show makes him harder to trust, at least in the Fantasy Suite. Yet his failure to open up is also an issue. Her logic is as reliable as a faulty computer on Star Trek.
Robby produces a reference letter from his dad that explains that his son is “the man.” He tells JoJo to keep it as a reminder that his motives are pure, or at least that his dad can take dictation. Robby is not like Ben, who told JoJo he loved her and then copped out. Interestingly, Ben also said he would run for office and then copped out. All he has to do is write a bad business book, and he’ll be the Donald Trump of The Bachelor.
JoJo craves a moment, or several moments, where they can be comfortable and alone, and it’s not in the Bangkok Starbucks. Robby eagerly accepts the invitation to the Fantasy Suite. “Now I don’t get to just dream about JoJo,” he says, striking fear in the censors. “I get to dream with her.” Sure, he wants to dream.
Now JoJo knows she loves Robby. I guess his slavering desire to see her naked proves that.
Next morning, they cuddle in bed with perfectly groomed hair. JoJo pledges, though, not to tell anyone she loves them until she is certain, or the script requires it. Next, vaguely Asian music plays over Jordan riding a boat to meet JoJo on a beach. They will hike together, which is exciting to JoJo because they have never done that before. They’ve also never played Scrabble or ordered Chinese food together, but those don’t mean free passes from the tourism board.
Jordan is impressed by how well JoJo sweats and breathes heavily as they climb. It’s definitely a good sign for her not being inactive in the Fantasy Suite. They visit some metaphorical caves on their way to a temple, where JoJo must cover herself for modesty, something she’s forgotten exists since she started the show.
“Temples are very sacred here,” she points out to those of us who don’t mind if our houses of worship are vandalized. Then they discuss her annoying, intrusive brothers, and his concern that her dad won’t identify him as a a good catch. That’s very likely if her dad can google with any effectiveness. “Is he too good to be true?” JoJo worries about Jordan. Only if you don’t have high standards for doofuses.
One night falls over Bangkok as Jordan and JoJo go to dinner. She feels so connected him, but she still has lots of questions. Can she trust him? Will he break her heart? To be honest, that suggests a rather tenuous connection. Jordan is still excited about talking to her dad, because what ment hink is all that matters.
“What does the next year look like for you?” JoJo asks. He doesn’t know, and that makes her nervous. He should have prepared a marketing strategy to present. She worries that their lifestyles are so different, it could cause issues. For example, if he wants 1 percent milk and she prefers skim. Will there be enough shelf space in the fridge for both?
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” Jordan declares. But Ben said that same thing! Ben is now the gold standard for distrusted guys, ahead of Bernie Madoff and the guy who invented Pokemon Go. Jordan believes JoJo is the one, but this chick doesn’t convince easy. She’s still on the fence that 9-11 wasn’t an inside job. Nevertheless, she feels he gave the right answers, and deserves to boff her tonight. Certainly he didn’t say he loved her just to see if she’s willing to do Reverse Cowgirl.
Off they go to the suite. It’s fabulous, they cry, as if they have never been to a Ramada Inn before. Even though JoJo’s not ready to tell Jordan she loves him, he has satisfied her by saying it numerous times on demand, just to set her mind at ease. I predict a very conflicted marriage. Next morning, JoJo points out that they’re eating their first breakfast together. Maybe because he couldn’t give her her first orgasm.
However, by loving two guys at the same time, JoJo fears she will create the same heartbreak she experienced with Ben. I’m just worried that she’ll be compelled to look for answers by listening to Torn Between Two Lovers. She hasn’t even thrown Chase into the mix yet. I bet she buys every sweater she likes in three colors.
Chase meets her on a motorcycle and they greet enthusiastically. Chase is ready for a day with JoJo in Thailand. She goes berserk when he lifts a dead fish and some water drips on his t-shirt. The locals glare at their white privilege, and also the idiotic dialogue. Next the couple rides a boat to the beach, feeling each other up in ways the observing monkeys are embarrassed to do.
Chase titters delightedly at the concept of falling in love with JoJo. “We’re in this magical place with monkeys and fisherman,” he quotes from the immortal sonnet. She tells him he blew her away on the hometown date. Was it in Sandy Hook?
Chase wants to ask the tough questions now, but first a toast to each other. JoJo doesn’t want the day to end, but of course, she’s scared. Imagine how many stupid questions she asks her doctor at her annual check-up. Anyway, Chase is certain he wants to be on his knees soon, or at least he wants her to be.
Meanwhile, Robby pays a surprise visit to JoJo. He can barely stand that she has other dates, which is to say other sexual partners. He thinks about her all the time, and has never felt more connected to her. He’s ready to get down on one knee, too, but she points out that she’s in the middle of a date with someone else right now. Awkward!
Night falls upon Chase and JoJo’s uneaten dinner. She tells him that today, he was the most playful he’s ever been before, then asks what he’s most scared of. More terror looms over this set than on American Horror Story. Chase doesn’t want to be scared when he’s with her–that’s what love is, he believes. He also doesn’t want to smear her lipstick. Plenty of time to do that later. He reads Chris’s card, and they agree to share the suite. “Just JoJo and me,” Chase says tenderly. Don’t forget the condoms.
Finally, the moment arrives, and he tells her he loves her, which he has never been the first to do with a woman . Usually you don’t with prostitutes. “Thank you for telling me that,” she says as if he were a waiter listing the day’s specials.
Alas, she does not feel the way she thought she would at this critical juncture. Doubt overwhelms her, and she leaves the suite to brood. No, Chase is not Mr. Right, but her heart breaks at the idea of telling him goodbye. Hon, accept that you can’t have all three guys. That show is on pay TV. She decides to tell Chase the truth.
“When you said that to me. . .I don’t think I felt what I thought I was gonna feel,” she informs Chase incoherently. She thinks sex wouldn’t change that feeling, although it might create some better ones. Chase is deeply upset that he opened himself up only to be both skewered and shattered, not to mention shaken and stirred.
He demands to know what was missing from their relationship, aside from monogamy and sincerity. But clearly even the scriptwriter has no idea where this is going. JoJo cannot offer an answer, and tells him only that she didn’t want to hurt him. He replies, “You kind of just did that.” I saw this in a romance comic, only the guy had better hair.
She repeats dialogue from Seasons 5, 8, and 11 to try to explain while he gapes at her with disgust. This is so trite. Try a Mrs. Rochester defense or something. Then she starts blubbering, and he has to comfort her before he stalks away into the night. She runs after him, begging him to not leave angry.
“None of this makes sense,” Chase says, echoing 98 percent of the people who watched Demi Lovato address the DNC. Riding off in the limo, he suggests what just happened was like being kicked in the nuts. That might have happened for real if he stayed the night.
Next morning, a trained monkey lumbers in to remove one of three roses on display. Sorry, that’s not a nice way to refer to Chris. Jordan and Robby then appear for the ceremony. Chris first asks Robby how the time “off camera” was. That’s like my elderly gynecologist asking me about my “women problems.”
Next JoJo reports to Chris about her emotional week, and the resulting clarity that comes from utterly destroying a man in the space of minutes. She then joins Jordan and Robby, cognizant, and of course scared, of the decision she has to make between them soon. She tells the men that she sent Chase home, and how really, really, really upset he was.
At that moment, Chase appears behind them on the stairs. “What? Hi!” JoJo reacts realistically. He takes her aside as dramatic music swells and the camera focuses on the two roses that remain. The monkey probably ate the other one.
The other men fidget as they wait. “I care too much to let our relationship end as it did that night,” Chase begins. In his shock, he resorted to lashing out, which is the excuse many police officers give these days. He’s here now to tell her he’s not angry, to assure her she’s fabulous, and to remove all the interesting possibilities from this show.
They part more amicably this time, and JoJo breathes a heavy sigh. “My feelings are all over the place,” she tells us. “Why didn’t I fall in love with Chase?” She seems to think emotions operate like an appliance. “Why didn’t my DVR record the latest episode of Food Network Star?”
Back to the Rose Ceremony. JoJo assures the two others that her feelings for them are so strong. Chase never stood a chance with such comparatively low-piled hair. She presents the roses, although why bother, and it’s hugs all around. JoJo says Jordan and Robby are both so confident, which they wouldn’t be if they knew that she still can’t make up her mind which one she loves more. Maybe her brothers will beat one of them up to help solve the problem. The three toast to finding what JoJo calls “my happy-ever-after,” which apparently doesn’t rely on either of them.
Tomorrow night is the Men Tell All special, with everyone bitching and complaining and accusing, just like we’ll all be doing constantly until November.
Meanwhile, I hope JoJo sees her mom as a cautionary tale about Botox.
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