The Bachelorette 2016 Premiere Live Blog and Recap

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote, I heard the trailing garments of the Night/Sweep through her marble halls!/I saw her sable skirts all fringed with light/From the celestial walls!

Unfortunately, all we have tonight is the trailing ratings of the Season 12 premiere of The Bachelorette, helmed by JoJo Fletcher and her StyleWe dress all fringed with plastic sequins. Surely you recall the vivacious real estate developer–although I’m unaware of any JoJo Resort and International Casino–who lost out to Lauren B. when Bachelor Ben Higgins found himself torn between the two finalists earlier this year. JoJo soldiered on, and was asked to be the next Bachelorette, a far better deal than Lauren B. got.

The men whom viewer Facebook polls will direct her to choose for her lifelong partner and eventual People cover-mate encompass an array of professions and achievements. Among them are, as ABC puts it, “a hunky firefighter, a former pro quarterback, a courageous veteran who was a platoon leader in the Afghan war and a devoted single dad juggling to [sic] raise three boys while running a chain of erectile dysfunction clinics.”  Maybe she can talk to that last guy about easing up on the spam in my mailbox.

The eager singles are Alex, Ali, Brandon, Chad, Chase, Christian, “Coley,” Daniel, Derek, Evan, Grant, Jake, James F., James S., James Taylor (a singer, but not that one, and why he’s not James T. we will probably never know, even though it would be the most fascinating fact yet associated with the show), Jonathan, Jordan, Luke, Nick B., Nick S., Peter, Robby, Sal (Sal?), Vincent, Wells (WELLS?), and Will. If this were 1942, it would be Henry, John, Alfred, George S., George P., Norman, Ralph, and Franklin Delano.

They can count among their ranks a bartender; a landscape architect; a couple of real estate types; a boxing club owner; a former competitive swimmer; some consultants and sales people, and a damn barber. I advise Jojo to steer clear of Brandon, who only rates the status of  “hipster from Los Angeles,” and Daniel, described simply as a Canadian from Vancouver, B.C. On the other hand, he does get free healthcare. There is one Asian-y-looking guy, three African-Americans, and a man of apparent Middle Eastern ethnicity. Obviously, Donald Trump doesn’t own this franchise. Furthermore, many have scruffy beards, blindingly white teeth, tattoos, and/or stenciled eyebrows. Not a single fair-haired fellow, though, which ought to elicit angry tweets from the #BlondHairMatters crowd.

Before we begin, I must note that this performance of Sounds of Silence on DWTS is the most abysmal I have ever heard. It sounds like Rod McKuen choking on a chicken bone inside a broom closet. I hope Paul Simon is out choosing a new hat while this is on. Nevertheless, Carrie Ann Inaba claims it’s the single best dance she has ever seen on six straight decades of the show.

Finally, we are subjected to the delicate strains of Bachelorette theme song over the vision of JoJo greeting Ben while wearing a horsehead last season. Then we see clips of her being lied to, misled, and her hopes being dashed before an audience of millions. Also, her part was crooked in the final driving-away-in-the-limo scene. Good times!

Now she tells us how confused she was by her experience with Ben. But she learned things about herself, and realized what she deserves, which is neither Ben nor a hairstyle not sported by every other 20-something in the U.S. As she walks pensively down a beach in a bikini, she reflects about how she is ready for love. It also looks like she’s recovered from the breast implant surgery. The gulls laugh derisively.

First JoJo meets with former Bachelorettes to discuss the weeding process and hear their seasoned advice. It’s like professional training for famewhores. They agree it’s important to get to know the guy, and not just rely on hotness to ensure a meaningful relationship. Grateful for the ladies’ insight, JoJo returns to her room to strap on the ol’ sequinned low-cut gown and prepare to review the troops. I can’t believe I’m watching this routine again, but then again, I continually make the mistake of buying just one roll of paper towels at a time when two ends up being cheaper.

We first meet hunky firefighter Grant. He’s fought a lot of rewarding fires, so now it’s time to find love. Then there’s Jordan, the former pro quarterback whose brother is Aaron Rodgers, which I think I’m supposed to be impressed by–me, a person who could think only of Joe Namath if asked at gunpoint to name a famous football player. Alex was lost in life until he enlisted and became one of the few, the proud, the Marines. James S. is a secret Bachelor fan who does push-ups on mountaintops and owns a flat screen TV bigger around than my dining room table. Evan, from Nashville, used to be a pastor and now owns those erectile dysfunction clinics. “It’s a hard business,” he says. I guess that means he’s successful.

Ali plays the piano and has an adorable dog. WINNER. Christian, who is biracial, tells his sad story of being rejected by the white side of his family. His story just got sadder now that we know he agreed to be on this show.

Time for the limos to roll in. The men make a toast to JoJo. Didn’t her parents know that was also the name of a dog-faced boy? She arrives to greet Chris, and he earns a quarter of a million dollars while they enthuse about her potential to find love on the show. They’re both still optimistic after the vast number of such couplings which have failed miserably and on a public stage. Then again, I’m still optimistic that Donald Trump will say something offensive enough that he’ll have to quit the race.

Jordan is the first of the men to arrive. He has one of those hairstyles that looks like a frosted cupcake. Derek is next, without a tie. He seems shy and resembles a Property Brother. Following him is Grant, the firefighter, who promises to only fall in love with JoJo and not Lauren B. Next is one of the three James, who is also reassuring about his good intentions. Robby comes after him, bearing champagne that they drink right from the bottle. What a class act.

Alex strolls up next, delighted at JoJo’s beauty which is remarkable even when her cleavage is concealed. Then Will steps out of the car, drops some index cards, and make a very lame joke before saying “all joking aside.” *Sigh.* Chad is boring and Canadian Daniel is mundane. Ali arrives next, and declares JoJo breathtaking. The singer James Taylor appears with his guitar. He has strangely compacted wavy hair that looks like crumpled tin foil.

Jon arrives in a kilt, because he’s half Scottish and half Chinese. Luckily for him, he tells JoJo,  the half that’s Scottish is under the kilt. I hope the Queen isn’t watching. Inside the house, the guys are very disgusted with this choice of menswear, and advise Jon that he made a mistake to wear it. But surely JoJo can relate to skirts, albeit probably not ones that extend below the knee.

The next guy, one of the Nicks, arrives in a Santa suit and gives her a gift. Inside he downs a bourbon, as St. Nick prefers those over milk and cookies. Jake is an architect who designs hedges. Sal gives her a blue ball to squeeze. Chivalry is not dead, I say. One fellow inside observes that some of the guys have class, while others are weird or trying to hard. He fails to acknowledge that they all signed the contract for this show. “Lots of hair gel and cologne going on,” another notes. Now you know how I feel when I go to a bar mitzvah in Long Island.

Wells claims to JoJo that he brought some friends, which turns out to be an acapella group. He scores major points with that, and the show probably paid the tab, too. JoJo likes Christian’s motorcycle, which I don’t think is a euphemism. Next a horse fitted with a silver unicorn horn is ridden in by Luke, representing the fact that an appealing man on this show cannot be found in nature.

Now it’s time for JoJo to join the party inside, with maybe a break first to replace her double-sided tape. The guys are positively giddy. Some may even have to ice down their crotches. Alex immediately invades, like the landing at Normandy, and takes JoJo aside. There he drops to the floor and does push-ups with her on his back. That’s what Miss Manners recommends you do if you’re no good at small talk. The other guys resent it. They are all nervous and keep checking for script edits.

JoJo likes Jordan’s confidence and sexiness and ease with conversation. He feels there was a connection, too, but didn’t kiss her as he wanted to. Otherwise, as JoJo makes a circuit through the seething mass of testosterone, she doesn’t always feel that instant connection. Will this really work for her? Or should she have gone on that date with her great-aunt’s neighbor’s dry-cleaner’s son after all?

Just then, Jordan comes back and grabs that kiss he wanted. To JoJo, it feels perfect and right. “His butt, his butt,” she murmurs rhapsodically as they part.

The First Impression Rose taunts the others from its silver tray. They consider whether the one to receive it gets a leg up, or a hand inside her dress. Everyone is drinking too much. JoJo is so perfect, they can’t handle it. Especially the hipster, who is expecting a participation trophy just for being there.

Wells reappears with the acapella guys. Maybe one of them is JoJo’s true love; she ought to keep her eyes peeled. Chad is surprisingly vulnerable, JoJo reports. In fact, he often texts while driving. Daniel is just hopeless, and his tie doesn’t extend beyond his midsection. Naturally, he’s drunk, so he gets undressed and leaps into the pool. There’s one in every season, just like there’s always an animal cracker missing its lower half.

Ali is so handsome and charming, JoJo should just choose him now. So she’ll wait a little longer at the airport. For God’s sake, he’s playing the piano and gazing soulfully into her eyes. Cancel the show and call a justice of the peace. But, no, she sits on Santa’s lap and pulls his beard off. She says James Taylor has a really kind soul, so she’s ditching him tonight. Luke gives her some cowboy boots since they’re both from Texas and she can’t find them there.

JoJo goes to collect the rose as the guys’ ears prick up and more drinks are downed. She is following her gut and going with the guy she felt most connected to, meaning at the lips. As she readies to present the flower to Jordan, a hank of hair falls out of his pompadour, making him look like a mad scientist, only without the brains. “It feels amazing to get that validation,” he reports about the rose, choosing terms from pages 17 and 32 in the official Bachelorette Handbook. Everyone else is a nervous wreck as she addresses the group pre-Rose Ceremony. “It’s not personal” if you don’t get a rose, she assures them. The producers are utterly indifferent to all of your feelings.

But what’s that? A mysterious limo pulls up outside, and an ugly pair of brown shoes approaches the house. Who is this threatening presence, this strange intruder, this monkey wrench in the proceedings? Thank God it’s not Nick Viall, mostly because we already have two Nicks, but also because I can’t believe he has that much dirt on the director.

Oh, it’s Jake Pavelka, a former bachelor who is still single, and apparently still desperate to be on TV. He’s making a career out of appearing momentarily on these shows. But it turns out he’s a close family friend of JoJo’s who wants only to wish her the best of luck. A text with a few smiley emojis would have been sufficient. They make it appear he plans to talk her out of doing the show because he loves her himself, but he just wanted to keep his Guild card current. His appearance also proves  to the audience that everyone is selected for this show for who they know, usually a good cosmetic surgeon.

The ceremony commences. Luke gets the first rose. Next is Wells, then James Taylor. Grant is acrimonious that he might be passed over, but then he gets the next rose. Derek follows, then Christian, and, after he broods and expresses resentment, Chad. Jake is next, then Alex and Robby. Following is Brandon, for some incomprehensible reason, then James F. and Ali. St. Nick collects his rose after that, as Vinny glowers. Will comes next, followed by James S. and Vinny.

Two roses are left. Evan gets one, and finally, after Chris earns $350,000 for uttering seven words, the last rose goes to Daniel. JoJo is certifiable. Kilt Guy was much better, or else I thought so until he described being sent home as a “kick in the balls.” Ugh, Kilt Guy.

The remainders toast each other and the start of their journey together, which we must stay tuned to see exciting highlights of. Probably there will be some crying, boat rides, and definitely naked flesh. See you then.

 

About E.M. Rosenberg 240 Articles
Favorite 40-volume series issued by Time-Life Music: Sounds of the Seventies. Favorite backsplash material: Subway tile. Favorite screen legend I pretend wasn’t gay: Cary Grant. Favorite issue you should not even get me started about: Venal, bloodsucking insurance industry. Favorite character from the comic strip “Nancy”: Sluggo, or maybe Rollo. Favorite Little Debbie snack: Nutty Bars. Favorite Monkee: Mike.