This past Sunday, watching the American Music Awards, something was finally crystallized– female artists are ruling the roost right now. Never before in Billboard chart history have females outnumbered males to such a degree. While this Spice Girls-esque ‘Girl Power’ phenomenon is definitely welcome, it’s also troubling. Why, if female artists in diverse genres are experiencing massive mainstream success in an unprecedented way, does it seem impossible for a female to win a TV singing competition like the X Factor or American Idol? I have to pull a Scotty McCreery and say, the trouble with girls is… moms.
First off, I know many would like to blame teenage girl hormones for the losing streak that female contestants have been on for the past few years. When five girls went home in a row on American Idol’s most recent season, there were articles everywhere deriding teen girls for only voting in cute boys and getting rid of sexy girls. However, if you look closely at the evidence, this theory makes little sense. First, I’d like to venture that teen girls don’t spend that much time, as a whole, voting for reality television singing shows. There are exceptions of course, but I think teens watch shows like American Idol and X Factor more casually than one might think. The voting pretty much confirms this. The men who are considered the ‘heartthrobs’ of their respective seasons are generally booted midway through the season. Now tell me, if teen girls spent all night powervoting for dudes with six-packs, wouldn’t people like Chris Richardson and Stefano Langone have made it further in the competition than they did? Additionally, the argument that teen girls don’t like attractive females on shows like these is ludicrous. When teens spend millions of dollars a year supporting artists like Rihanna and Britney Spears, whose whole careers are essentially based upon their sex appeal, why would they feel threatened by someone like Pia Toscano?
No, after much examination, it’s clear that the trouble with girls on talent shows isn’t teen girls– it’s their MOMS. In fact, I would venture that moms are entirely the reason why we’ve had such mediocre winners on American Idol the last few years. Now, moms (or any one demographic) are not solely responsible for this. After all, voters don’t enter the picture until the final stages of the competition, when contestants have already been given storylines and arcs by producers. And nothing is absolute. Every contestant has supporters and detractors, and not every individual feels the same, irrespective of whether they’re a mom or not.
But let’s examine this piece by piece. The boys who have been thriving recently are of a very specific type, one that surely has appeal for stay-at-home moms. Young guys who are average in both looks and talent. Guys like Lee DeWyze, Kris Allen, and Scotty McCreery could never be classified as movie-star handsome, but they possess an ‘aw-shucks’ charm that somehow wins over matriarchs nationwide. After all, even though Lee barely has the ability to sing in tune, he might remind them of their sons who are off at college, or their husbands back in the good old days. They’re always cute, lovable, and ever so lacking in confidence, awakening the nurturing instinct in America’s moms, causing them to lift the phone and vote their pearls off.
So how does this apply to girls competing against these good-old small town boys? They have to go down, one by one, like dominos. It seems like a girl on a singing show can never win moms over. If a girl is too attractive, then she’s a shark. She’s the type of girl who would get their little Timmy drunk on wine coolers and lead him down a bad path. She has to be eliminated. What about a girl who isn’t conventionally attractive like a pop-star? Well, she’s weird. She has tattoos and freaky hair- gosh, maybe she’s even into that Wiccan stuff that they talked about on ‘The View’ last week! If a girl is too quiet, it can’t be because she’s shy. She’s dull as dishwater. She has absolutely no personality. Lee DeWyze being unable to string together coherent sentences during interviews means that he’s modest and a little scared around those big-time Hollyweird folks. How precious! But if a girl is introverted, she’s got to be mind-numbingly boring with no personality to speak of. On the flip side, what if a girl to too talkative? Then she’s annoying. She is poorly mannered with no filter. Imagine if little Timmy brought a girl like this home for Thanksgiving- it would be painful to hear her blabber on for hours. It can’t be that she’s vivacious or upbeat, she’s lacking in social skills and decorum. What if a girl exhibits a healthy amount of confidence? Well, she thinks she’s the second coming of Mariah Carey. She needs to be brought down a peg, no matter how technically proficient her vocals actually are. She needs to eat a piece of humble pie, because that kind of behavior would NEVER fly. Pop stars usually look coyly at the ground and burst into grateful tears whenever they receive a positive critique. Now not all moms deserve the flack here, and the truth is, American Idol doesn’t provide any voting demographics for us to verify this.
Finally, however, after years of experimentation, I think the powers that be have finally hit upon a successful formula. Finding girls who are objectively attractive (but not overly so, since pretty girls will fake pregnancies and ruin your son’s future!), objectively good singers (but lacking in confidence, since good singers should never KNOW that they’re good singers), and straddle the line between being adorably perky and coquettishly shy (since one or the other makes you either boring or dull). Girls like Lauren Alaina and X Factor’s Drew seem to fit this profile completely, and even though Lauren couldn’t best Scotty (despite having about 4 times his vocal range in a singing competition), I’m confident that a girl like Drew could win it all on X Factor.
I love my own mom as much as the next guy, but I’m actually kind of glad that she can barely figure out how to switch channels on the TV, let alone get on Twitter and vote for X Factor. The girls actually have a shot in hell this year, and I don’t want my mom, or any others, to screw it up.
Everyone, moms or otherwise, feel free to tweet me @alifazal or add me on Facebook (www.facebook.com/AliZFazal) and give me a piece of your mind. Or let your voice be heard in the comments. If you disagree with my analysis, why do you think females have a hard time connecting with the public in these types of shows? I’ll be doing a column weekly, so let me know if there’s something you think I should explore… Have a great holiday weekend everyone!
