Welcome to all you Bachelor-ette lovers, as well as all of you who love to hate this show! The Bach franchises lend our tagline “I love this cheesy show” a whole new meaning. But this season’s “Bette” (Bachspeak for “Bachelorette”), Desiree “Des” Hartsock, is a breath of fresh air – creative, outdoorsy, goes-with-the-flow, yet observant with a touch of world-weary and street-wise – so I’m hopeful she’ll bring a little extra to this otherwise predictable paint-by-numbers show.
I hope you’ve caught up on the venerable Sparkles‘ snarkcap intro to all things Bach. I’ll be live-blogging or recapping The Bachelorette 9, as well as bringing you a Spoilers & Rumours Roundup at the tail end of each week. I say “or” because I’m on the West Coast, so this live-blog will turn into a recap if my live-feed craps out on me.
So join me in catching the Premiere episode of The Bachelorette 9, tonight at 8pm (7pm Central) on ABC. In the meantime, Discuss!
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Drinking Game Word-of-the-Week: “Excited”
Each time you hear the Bette or one of her hunks use the word-of-the-week, you know what to do.
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“I’m Cinderella in the Flesh!“, Des proclaims, as she drives up to the mansion in a nondescript grey everyman’s car and drives away in a baby blue high-end convertible. Flashbacks to her “impoverished” childhood – which most of us would recognize as more “lower-middle-class” than “poverty”, but w/e.
The mansion is new this year – a flat-roofed rambler in the Malibu dessert. I could swear that this is the same house & locale that was used for the movie “When Stella Got Her Groove Back” – I’ll have to look that up later.
Des loves companionship AND cuddling, BTW. She wants to weed out the Men from the Boys. And she’ll make the First Move on a Kiss if she Feels Like It. Proof that wanted-on-rape-charges film director Roman Polanski was right when he said last week at the Cannes Film Festival that women don’t know their place anymore.
This wedding-dress-designer’s apprentice looks forward to designing her own wedding gown someday. But she wants her fairytale NOW.
VIGNETTES
1. Bryden – 26, Iraq War veteran, Missoula, MT
1 serious relationship 5 years ago, broke his heart so he joined the military.
About Des: “Is it Desiree? YES!!”
2. Will – 28, banker, Chicago, IL
He’s into Bikram yoga (Hot Yoga). “Not a lot of black guys do Bikram yoga.” As a Hot Yoga afficionado myself, I can attest to that.
About Des: “Wow, she is absolutely stunning… I love this woman!”
So now we know where the “I love this woman!” shout-out in the season promo commercial comes from.
3. Drew – 27, digital marketing analyst, Scottsdale, AZ
Dad is alcoholic, Sister mentally handicapped.
About Des: “the perfect woman… genuine, real.”
4. Nick R – 26, tailor and magician, Chicago, IL
Magician since age 8. Cards apparently jump into his mouth.
About Des: he needs a Magician’s Assistant.
5. Zak W – 31, drilling fluid engineer, Mico, TX
Started out in NYC working for a distressed hedge fund.
Now in a big yellow house in the middle of 15 acres of nowhere. Peaceful but lonely.
About Des: “I’m really pumped that it’s Desiree. That’s the kind of girl I could go for, right there.”
6. Robert – 30, advertising entrepreneur, Los Angeles, CA
Outdoorsy & Active. He makes advertisement signs. He’s “the Man Behind the Signs.”
About Des: gorgeous, very nice, a good mom for his dog.
7. Mike R – 28, dental student, Dallas, TX
(Another dentist in Bach Nation! Another Dallas-ite for Bach Nation!)
His family is British. He realizes he would be 30% more attractive if he had their accent. Whereas I thought a Brit accent rates you up 70%.
8. Brandon – 26, painting contractor, Costa Mesa, CA
Adreneline junkie, wakeboarder. Loves being outside all. day. long.
Daddy abandonment, Mommy addictions, but Grandparents raised him right.
He’s 100% ready to be in love with Desiree, a woman he has never met.
LIMO ENTRANCES
Desiree is wearing a lovely sparkling-silver form-fitting yet modest gown for the limo introductions. Yup, she does look like Katie Holmes, but here she reminds me more of Olive Oyl, Popeye’s gal-pal – tall, lean, gangly, long-limbed, brunette and big-brown-eyed.
As usual, the driveway is wet, for maximum reflective effect.
1. Drew – 27, digital marketing analyst, Scottsdale, AZ
(see Promo piece #3)
Drew has elevator eyes for Des’s… dress?
2. Brooks – 28, marketing consultant, Salt Lake City, UT
They keep talking on top of each other. Like a rom-com.
Plus, 2 hugs, not just 1! Tell-tale signs…
Bach Fact: There’s always a contestant from SLC. And they seem to know all the previous SLC contestants in some way.
3. Brad – 27, accountant, Denver, CO
Alluding to Des’s wish-at-the-fountain intro on Sean’s season, Brad offers instead to wish on a wishbone. Clever. Heh.
4. Bryden – 26, Iraq War veteran, Missoula, MT
(see Promo piece #1)
Doesn’t say much.
5. Michael G – 33, federal prosecutor, Miami Beach, FL
Looks for the penny Des threw in the fountain during Sean’s season,
because Des Deserves a Do-over.
Never mind that this is a different mansion than Sean’s season’s.
6. Kasey – 29, advertising executive, San Luis Obispo, CA
Works in Social Media. Google’d Des. His MO = the HashTag guy.
#marriagematerial #letthejourneybegin
7. Will – 28, banker, Chicago, IL
High-Fives Des.
Des is a Goddess, so he doths her “Athena”, the Goddess of Wisdom.
8. Mikey T – 30, plumbing contractor, Winfield, IL
5-oclock shadow, comes from a close family, he’s an older brother, so he can relate to Des’s relationship with Nate, the famed brother who called out Sean as a playboy. Family knows best!
9. Jonathan – 26, lawyer, Hickory, NC
Brought Des a letter to open and read – a Fantasy suite invitation, complete with key. But Des doesn’t put out on the first night – she is not that kind of girl! #FAIL
10. Zak W – 28, book publisher, Newport Beach, CA
Topless! Beefcake!
“Will you accept these abs?”
“Damn!”, ogles Des.
The Men: “At least he kept his pants on”.
11. James – 27, advertising executive, Chicago, IL
“Loyalty is Love.” “At the end of it all is Loyalty.” James is into Loyalty.
12. Larry – 34, ER doctor, Berkeley, CA
Teaches Des some Ballroom Dancing, dips her. Her dress gets caught on her stiletto heel. Did Des have the First Bette Wardrobe Malfunction? #FAIL
13. Nick R – 26, tailor and magician, Chicago, IL
Torches a napkin, turns it into a yellow rose.
14. Zack K – 28, book publisher, Newport Beach, CA
Tuxedo with Converse sneakers FTW!
15. Diogo – 29, ski resort manager, Lake Tahoe, CA
His MO = Clad as Knight in Shining Armour. Asks Des to be his Princess.
The Men: “Crazylot!” “Welcome to Medieval Times!” “You probably won’t float.”
16. Chris – 27, Mortgage Broker, Seattle
Does the proposal move. Goes down on one knee .
Chris: “Will you… (wipes brow)… mind if I tie my shoe?”
Des (deadpans): “Funny.”
Bach Fact: There’s always someone from Seattle in the Top 4. Unlike the SLC contestants, the Seattle contestants don’t seem to know each other beforehand. But they tend to become best buds post-season.
17. Mike R – 28, dental student, Dallas, TX
“I’ll be your McDreamy for tonight.”
Wearing his white dentist duds. McDentist.
18. Robert – 30, advertising entrepreneur, Los Angeles, CA
He says he’s not much of a tie guy. Takes off his tie.
Des: “Are you taking more off?”
Robert: “Nah, that’s it.”
19. Juan Pablo – 31, former pro soccer player, Miami, FL
Teaches Des how to say his name and gives her some chocolate.
A lesser retread of Roberto, Bette Ali’s F1 and former pro baseball player.
20. Brandon – 26, Painting Contractor, Minneapolis
Shows up on motorcycle wearing a Pinstriped Mafioso suit. This season’s bad boy?
21. Brian – 29, financial advisor, Baltimore, MD
Wants to “do something different”. So he arrives in a velvet smoking jacket and jeans.
22. Micah – 32, law student, Denver, CO
Designed his own suit. Blue jacket with ransom-note lettering. Ransom-note-lettering is not usually equated with marriage material.
Someone should tell Micah that.
Des: “I think I’ll do the sewing.”
23. Nick M – 27, investment advisor, Charlotte, NC
Reads Des a poem. Bored now.
24. Dan – 30, beverage sales director, Las Vegas, NV
No Schtick. Boring. Cannon Fodder.
Drum roll. Surprise – A little boy pops out of the limo with a yellow daisy.
Followed by his dad.
25 (26). Ben (& Brody) – 28, entrepreneur, Dallas, TX
“This is my best friend and my son, Brody.”
Grandma is in the limo to take Brody home. Brody wants to go to the mansion, though.
Holy Name-Repetition, Batman!
Brandon, Brian, Bryden
Micah, Michael, Mike, Mikey
Nick M, Nick R
Zack K, Zak W
Professions, Bachelorette Style
Painters and Plumbers are now Painting Contractors and Plumbing Contractors.
Is “Advertising Executive/Consultant/Contractor/Entrepreneur” this season’s way of saying “Unemployed”?
COCKTAIL MIXER
Chris Harrison give Desiree Sean’s first-night rose deal – she gets to give out as many roses as she wants to before the actual rose ceremony.
Kasey #iwantarose
Nick R the magician makes Des disappear (for 5 minutes, for the first chat).
Brandon the pinstriped contractor cuts in and makes Des disappear too, even though he’s not a magician.
His mom is 7 years sober. He flipped a coin to either go to his Bachelorette candidate interview OR go to his birthday party planned by his grandparents. So he gives Des the coin he flipped, for her to give back to his mom on the hometown dates.
He thinks he just met his future wife.
Ben the entrepreneur-with-kid has never been married. It was more like 2 friends had a kid (Brody) together. She (Brody’s mom) is still his best friend. I’m sure Des loved to hear that, yeah. Des & Ben both love camping, hunting, fishing, and road trips.
Des gets up and says she will be right back… “He’s husband material!”
First-Rose Alert! Des gives Ben the first rose!
Interesting that Ben sees his son is an ADvantage, but on all the Bachelor seasons, the woman’s kid is seen as a DISadvantage. Double standards and all that.
The guys are threatened – they now sense a Frontrunner on their hands. :O
Roses so far – Ben (Brody)
How to get a rose? Says one suitor: “I’ll take my shirt off and THEN put on armor!”
Zak W – Shirtless dude wants to get her attention again. So he takes off his Pants and jumps in the pool! Everyone walks away…
But wait – Des presents him a rose – “You actually get one for jumping in!”
Bryden – Army guy did a year in Iraq. He rambles about an Iraqi kid who used to clean the base. In that moment, the Iraqi kid was just a kid, and so Bryden used to chat with him. I can’t make out what his point is.
Des’s response? A Rose for being so articulate and easy to understand.
Juan Pablo – per Des, he’s automatically sexy and “a dream of a man” because of his accent. Will he be our “physical chemistry” guy this season? To prove his mettle, he starts a soccer dribbling game. Futbol FTW!
Roses so far – Ben (Brody), Zak W, Bryden
Drew – Desiree makes him feel “calm but crazy butterflies at the same time”. Des gives him a rose… for being nervous. Alrighty then.
Larry – They discuss the almost-wardrobe-malfunction. He apologizes for dipping Des. He watched Sean’s season and Des was his favorite. Awkward pause while he waits for Des to get up and give him a rose, but Des doesn’t budge from her seat.
Jonathan – Since she’s not putting out tonight, Fantasy Suite Guy hopes Des will kiss him “on the mouth” instead. “I was trying to be funny, but you didn’t really get it, so I want to retry.” He’s a lot more outgoing than Sean. “I have no filter.” Des exits the scene, saying she needs to meet the other guys. Not quite into him, is she?
He says his love tank has been depleting. Apparently this guy has been watching too much Real Housewives of the OC. (Didn’t Vicki originate the Love Tank Complaint on that show?)
He’s making Des feel uncomfy with all his FS talk. #fantasysuitefail
Des asks him to go home immediately – she’s not that kind of girl!
Bach Fact: On every Bachelorette season, the lead sends one contestant home pre-RC (RC=Rose Ceremony) on the first episode. This season’s schmuck – Fantasy Suite Guy.
The Men applaud Des’s move. Des is BadA$$. 1 down, 24 to go.
6 Roses so far – Ben (Brody), Zak W, Bryden, Drew, plus 2 more off-camera to Nick M and Michael G.
ROSE CEREMONY
7. Brandon
8. Zack K
9. Will
10. Brooks
11. Juan Pablo
12. Brad
13. Kasey
14. James
15. Robert
16. Brian
17. Dan
18. Chris
Chris Harrison informs us that this is the final rose tonight.
19. Mikey
GOING HOME
1. Larry, the ER Doctor – disappointed, embarassed. You know, he took a risk, tried to dip her, make a big impression, practiced that intro 50 times, of the 50 people that he dipped only 2 had any problems at all.
2. Nick R, the Magician – Des made a mistake. She didn’t get to see who he was. He’s ready to be in love, because life is better like that.
3. Diogo, the Ski Resort Manager – He was willing to put on a suit for her. He shouldn’t have done that, he says. He has an explosion… (uhhh TMI)… of love and feelings and good things to share with someone. He doesn’t need anything else in his life.
4. Jonathan, the Fantasy Suite Guy – let go pre-RC.
5. Mike R – exit not shown.
6. Micah – exit not shown.
Commercial – submit your most bleach-able moment to The Bachelorette. Ummm, OK.
Coming Up This Season on The Bachelorette!
“There will definitely be some confrontation!”
“I’m not here to make enemies!”
“He chose the wrong person to lie to!”
A guy’s ex-girlfriend appears!
A guy is here to be the next Bachelor – he’s not here for the Right Reasons!
Lots of bleeping – these guys are PO’d!!
Des repeats her signature refrain from Sean’s season – “I don’t feel that anyone has loved me as much as I’ve loved them.”
Bach Fact: There is always a signature refrain which defines the struggle – the “journey”, if you will – of the season. Sometimes it shows up in the season itself; other times, it isn’t demonstrated until post-season, during the engagement. So will we find guys not liking Des as much as she likes them? Or are the rumors on the street true, that her F1 doesn’t want to get married anytime in the near future?
Lots of travel to European countries ensues.
Lots of kissing in said European countries ensues.
It’s all coming up, this season on The Bachelorette!
END CREDITS
Bach Fact: Each episode ends with a funny &/or candid scene playing over the end credits. Oftentimes it is the best part of the episode – either very funny or very revealing.
The Magician and The Hashtagger. #nottooimpressed
One of the other guys says he has NEVER believed in magic.
And he still doesn’t. I am glad to hear that he is a grown-up.
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If you want to be a future contestant, apply at http://bachelor.abc.com
