Uh, oh, JoJo doesn’t like people acting entitled. She’s probably disappointed in how the Brexit vote turned out. But tonight her concerns are with Jordan’s objectionable behavior, as reported by his objectionable castmates.
“I have this idea of you in my head that I feel is accurate, and then to hear it was Jordan acting entitled and very, like, snobby. . . . I don’t like that,” she informs the brother of a football player whose fame comes from actually playing the game. Jordan is distraught because “character is huge for me.” Integrity is also kind of biggish for him, while bioethics are ginormous.
Considering that accusations of diverging personalities are made on this show more often than in all the movie versions of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde combined, we know the two will quickly make amends and make out. Furthermore, The Inquisitr, with its elusive final vowel, explains that “the weeks leading up to The Bachelorette season finale will be filled with unexpected drama,” just like the moments leading up to the FedEx guy’s arrival at my door are filled with unexpected barking from the dog. In addition, the guys will showcase unexpected washboard abs and drink unexpected amounts of liquor.
As you may recall from last week, if, unlike me, you didn’t pass out from drinking half a box of wine during the first hour, the previews hinted at—okay, shoved in our faces like Cagney with a grapefruit—an emotional confrontation with one of the final contenders, who remained identifiable. On the other hand, it might have been the make-up guy.
“I fell in love with you and I still love you,” JoJo tells the blue-suited sleeve on screen, in a scene we will not see tonight. It’s obviously not Alex because the guy’s shoulder is north of her chin. “But what you did to me, it’s not right. But I wanted you to know. It’s really hard for me to not accept this love.” JoJo obviously availed herself of something more potent than an amusing pinot noir. I’ve read dialogue between Archie and Veronica that was more coherent.
Time to begin. Everyone is all hot and bothered over JoJo, while the audience is cold and disgusted over her remaining choices. Nevertheless, horses , cowboys, and flowers herald the group’s arrival in Buenos Aires. Start crying, Argentina.
JoJo feels this could be the place to find love, especially since all the other places were a failure. In a two-minute scene that pays Chris enough to serve caviar at every meal for a month, she tells the host how nervous she is that Robby’s already admitted his love for her. The last few times a guy did that, she explains, it didn’t work out. Apparently, the right guy should never tell her he loves her.
The guys wear skinny jeans to greet Chris in Argentina. While earning five of my car payments, he explains there will be three dates: a group, a one-on-one, and—wait for it—another two-on-one! That’s never happened on the show before, at least not on camera.
Everyone is nervous as they visit three blocks of the city, then go to the hotel to read off their postings on Yelp, as contracted. The date card arrives, with besame mucho written on it. Who gets it? Wells! Well, well, well. He admits he has not kissed JoJo yet. That changes everything, they all claim. It’s okay, though, because he gave her his PIN number.
After JoJo and Wells leave together, the guys discuss the pressure he is under to follow the director’s blocking in the kissing scene. They think it seems fake to kiss a woman when she actually asks for it. That explains why sexual assault is so prevalent.
The couple go to a show that’s supposed to be sexy and romantic. Alone in a blacked-out room, they stand looking up at sexy people performing in a glass-bottomed pool above their heads. That could prepare them for sex in a room with a mirrored ceiling. But Wells concludes that this dark, quiet, secluded room is no place to kiss JoJo.
A guy comes and offers to train them to do the performances themselves. This involves pulleys and air mattresses, so Wells should be ready for the Fantasy Suite afterwards. As they next frolic in the pool, Wells worries if it’s the the right time to kiss the woman in a bikini he’s embracing. JoJo is waiting impatiently for him to make his move—and then it finally happens. She celebrates as if they were the Curies discovering radium.
Triumphant at their liplock, which was about as passionate as ordering oatmeal for brunch, Wells and JoJo go to a mansion for dinner. Wells explains how he was skeptical at first, but now believes their relationship to be “totally viable.” I read that exact line in a sonnet once. JoJo finds him intriguing and fun, but she wants to know about his last relationship. Why is that always the first thing they want to know? Henry VIII would never have gotten anywhere if his dates asked that.
Back at the room, the group date card arrives. It leaves Derek and Chase to attend the two-on-one together. They stare malevolently at each other.
Wells values honesty in a relationship, once the initial wild attraction has died down or you run out of the ribbed condoms. “Everyone always says that passion goes away. Is that always true?” JoJo wonders. She believes it doesn’t have to, despite the epidemic divorce rate and the existence of Hugh Hefner. She picks up the rose thoughtfully.
Alas, something didn’t feel right today with Wells, probably his terrible backstroke, so JoJo doesn’t know if he’s the man with whom she’ll spend the rest of her life. It’s even odds that she’ll end up a lesbian, anyway. But of course, she assures him, it’s been amazing getting to know him, a similar feeling to when to she was mastering Google Drive. Tearfully, he agrees she deserves to find true love. He feels he deserves to be the next Bachelor, but that’s equally unlikely.
Checking out BA with JoJo the next day are Robby, Luke, James, Alex, and Jordan. “These are really cool dudes,” James marvels, but he feels he pales compared to their impressive pecs and name-brand hair products. Under music borrowed from an episode of The Flying Nun, the gang dances in the street and plays soccer with some gritty locals. When James makes a goal, he feels much better about himself among all the jocks and weight-trainers. If only kicking a ball between some posts were the measure of a man who is not David Beckham.
They retire to the evening boozefest, where the rose awaits in its little tray. They all toast their fun day. James really likes JoJo by now, not to mention the paycheck, which makes him worry even more about his chances. She goes to make out with Luke, who insists every moment with her is fabulous. She agrees that they have a good thing. “It’s organic and natural,” much like a compost heap or tuberculosis, Luke points out as he feels up her limbs.
Meanwhile, Derek and Chase seethe over the coming two-on-one date card. They’re going into battle together, Chase acknowledges. I’d rather watch Jeopardy!
James get some time with JoJo now. He feels she deserves to know about what goes on in the house—hopefully, not the toenail-clipping in the living room. He then proceeds to tattle about Jordan. “He’s Jordan Rodgers, whatever that means,” James says. JoJo doesn’t know what that means. Neither does the NFL. JoJo says she appreciates his incoherent ranting about a guy she finds more attractive. They kiss, but she does noticeably less clambering all over his torso like it’s a rock wall at Chelsea Piers.
Now Jordan must face JoJo’s vocal fry-driven wrath. She drapes an arm intimately over his neck as she reveals what James has told her. Jordan seems bemused, probably because he only knows how to make two expressions. He explains how it was all just a card game gone wrong. Imagine if it had been Stratego; it may have come to blows. But he’s proud that he has stuck to the character the producers assigned him. Nevertheless, JoJo is scared that Jordan may indeed be even more of a narcissistic, empty-headed clod than she initially thought.
Tension arises as the men sit together afterwards. Jordan gives the death glare to James as the others look on with interest. The camera shivers nervously and Hitchcockian music plays as Jordan asks whether James actually used the word “entitlement,” much as your mother might ask if you used the “f-word” in front of your little brother. The lens zooms in on the rose, which is sad it got cut off for this purpose instead of being part of a princess’s bouquet or in a centerpiece at Le Cirque.
JoJo arrives to choose the rose-receiver, which turns out to be Luke and his active hands. Alex looks disappointed, while Jordan reports on his resentment at James.
Now it’s time for the Derek-Chase date. They’ve done their eyebrows and cultivated their chin scruffs in preparation. Walking resolutely yet grimly, like the cast in the opening credits of Law & Order, they meet up with JoJo and head over to take tango lessons. That’s how you get invited to be on DWTS after you lose.
All three are going to do the dance together. The passion is as intense as a visit to the DMV. watching his competition, Derek feels Chase is in his head, while he himself is in his heart. More likely they are both in their crotches.
That night, the trio go to dinner. JoJo isn’t sure which guy she’ll dispatch this time. “There’s so much riding on this decision,” she muses, but mostly she’s wondering what color nightie to wear in the Fantasy Suite with Chase. She goes off alone with Derek, who looks like a Dylan McDermott stand-in. JoJo worries that he’s not being open. That’s because of his last relationship not going well. If I want to hear bland inanities about relationships repeated every week, I’ll read Mary Worth.
Then Derek admits he’s falling for her, which she appreciates because she’s self-absorbed and vacuous. She rewards him with a kiss because she’s slutty and vacuous. He says he enjoys sitting with her and just being them, which admittedly is a task easier than clapping on and clapping off.
Now Chase spends time with JoJo. What’s on his mind, she asks, besides her breasts and his Q score? JoJo tells him she feels he didn’t give enough back. Rinse and repeat. That scares her. Add additional flour if dough is sticky. He claims he wants to give her “words of affirmation.” “But you’re not,” she replies. Only because he forgot his thesaurus.
“With so many guys, how can I feel good about making those leaps?” he beseeches her, cementing the fundamental problem with this hugely popular show franchise that so many viewers take seriously. “I came here to be with you, and to leave with you,” Chase continues succinctly, earning an open-mouthed kiss. He just hopes his bumper-sticker romancing is not too late.
The three gather to find out who gets the rose. JoJo first gives Derek points for opening up and being vulnerable, then turns to Chase and offers him an equivalent review. They ‘re as similar as both Lionel Jeffersons, yet Chase wins the rose. Derek casts down his eyes as JoJo turns to him tearfully, offering to walk him out so the producers can get some B-roll. They hug, and then he climbs silently into the limo while she stands on the street, crying. I bet her feet are killing her in those spike heels.
Yet JoJo recovers quickly and strolls off with Chase to dance to a private string quartert and hear Soledad Pastoretti (or something) sing a selection from Evita. See, he kept his distance, so Derek is crying about Argentina (#subtlety). Adding insult to injury, I hear the airline didn’t keep its promise to serve him a vegetarian meal.
The week was unbelievably emotional for JoJo, she informs us. It reminds her how important her choices are, because she apparently forgot after the last four unbelievably emotional weeks. Worse, she’s conflicted because she doesn’t know what to do tonight, other than what the script demands. How will she recover if she sends home the guy she’s really meant to be with? That’s like when I ordered a blouse in red from Amazon, and then decided I really liked the floral print better.
Jordan is intent on setting the record straight with JoJo by mopping up the spill James made. She is clearly smitten with him, though. After he babbles about his growing attraction to her, which is increasing with each cut-out in her dresses, she says,”Finally, you’re really talking about your feelings.” Does she even know his middle name?
Alex is freaking out. You can tell because his tie is crooked. He’s got to let JoJo know he’s there and waiting for her, kind of like how the doctor’s office will call and threaten to cancel your appointment if you arrive more than 15 minutes late. He wants more time together to figure out things, like whether her bra is front-closing. She reassures him that he’s “not behind,” even though he’s the shortest and most irritable guy there. James is also convinced he’s on the chopping block, but he is falling for JoJo so he has decided to press forward. There’s a hit song in here somewhere. You’re So Plain? The Night The Hick Went Home From Bachelorette? Open and Vulnerable Arms?
Now the Rose Ceremony is about to begin. JoJo consults with Chris first, expressing her fears as she does every week, and in that 45 seconds, he can earn half a house in surburban New Jersey. “This is hands-down he hardest decision I’ve had to make,” she says, aside from whether to go blond or red with the ombre hair. The men gape like freshly caught trout as she lifts the first rose. It goes to Robby. The next rose goes to Jordan. Now one remains. Chris comes to tell them that painfully obvious fact, earning himself a weekend in Barbados.
Tension rises as JoJo hesitates, then turns dramatically and rushes from the room into the Buenos Aires night. She needs some bueno air. The men are confused, but outside, JoJo hands the rose to Chris while he racks up enough to buy several thousand shares of IBM. She is confident in the decision that she will now share with the guys.
Back inside, JoJo tells James and Alex that she just couldn’t hand out that final rose. Now Chris brings in two more, having just placed an order for a pair of Hamilton tickets. Alex gets the first one, followed by James and some twinkly guitar music that indicates peace and harmony among the contestants, and another week of income for the sponsors.
James is grateful, while Alex is bitter at his “pity rose.” We shall see if that attitude pays off here. Surely the Marines didn’t care for it.
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